probably the week of 4/17/22
In the midst of such gigantic things, the day-to-day drama seems trivial. They hurt my feelings by being insensitive! Yes, yes, they did. What would you like to do about it?
I am afraid of my world being turned upside down! Yes, yes you are, and yet the world turns. So what would you like to do about it?
Some are better at asking for help, some ask for things they don’t need. Some refuse the help that is offered. And none of that is within my control.
I need to let go. I am not sure how. It pains me to see how things dissolve. On the podcast they talked about how the evidence supports the belief, I must take responsibility, or it will fall apart. Maybe its supposed to. Maybe it can be rebuilt better? I have to trust that, believe it into existence, I can’t take responsibility only for the fall.
How do a bunch of untrained people train each other up?
Blind leading blind in circles of despair. Outside our purview.
4/27/22
Dear Michael,
It is a Wednesday and you are trying hard not to jump and save or control. Allowing the new therapist to play her role, hoping for the best. There are a number of kids that you are worried about, and disappointing their families is an awful feeling. And a number of staff. And the whole damn program on some level. And all of this is outside of your ability to control. And it sucks. Today, you are taking the time to connect where you can, reassure where you can, but also put it back in their hands. How would you like to address that? What could you go about that? Brainstorm some ideas of how things could go differently…
But are these tools and the compassion in which they are offered enough? No. No they never will be.
Alan Watts video from yesterday, he says the more you slice a thing and analyze the more complex it will become, infinitely, deeper and deeper, until you lose sense of the wholeness and perfection of the simplicity. A trick of the mind… if I could just understand more! But no. Enjoy the thinking and analyzing -but know that it will not make the work easier, nor the process smoother, nor the thing less what it is. It is what it is. Its perfect that way. These kids are just kids growing up. Their “mental health disorders” are a more a function of their circumstances than of their person, but even if they weren’t, who is to say they should be “cured?” I asked one this morning, why shouldn’t you be sad? Because its uncomfortable, yup. Healing and growing is uncomfortable. The heaviness is because it matters. Acknowledge it, hug it, wrap a blanket around it, give it praise. Its all beautiful. Your sorrow is a gift to unwrap deeper joy. Congratulations, you are growing beyond the scope of what you once knew.
And yet I am scared. I am scared people will come to me and I will not have pleasing answers. I will not have the capacity to placate or sooth or reassure that they have the answers they need. I will not have the time or energy or position to challenge, to hold, to reinforce. I will not get to create with, or laugh with, or celebrate, or mourn with these beautiful humans soon. And I am sad. And I am scared that it won’t matter, or worse, that I will be the undoing. And I can challenge that notion, and I can reframe it, and I can critique the thinker who thinks it… but the worry is present. Do I have faith in them? Do I have faith in the G-d or universe that makes things perfect in their imperfection/vulnerability/ sorrow? Do I have faith in the efforts and of my good character, and of the staff who will carry on the legacy if there is one at all? Sometimes… but I am grieving, and it is a process of acknowledging what will be different.
I am reminded of how desperately I wanted to cling and was also distant/repulsed from LNAS after leaving. How I would have given my curriculum away to the next, but also wanted to withhold so as to ensure the next would put in the effort. I want to make it easy to be passionate. But passion, fire breath, comes from a yearning deeper than I can support with my attempts to shallowly carve an easy path.
“Theres nothing I can do, not much I can change, so I give it up to you, I surrender.” As Mitski puts it. I have to stop believing that only the outcomes I prefer are good. Each and every infinite avenue as the dream says, is a reflection of the perfection of G-d. Let them carve their paths, let their hearts be heavy, swell and burst, let them acknowledge their own route forward so that it isn’t truly a “Michael told me to….” But a “Michael supported me in …” But ultimately, the most important thing for my heart, is that I be true to it. I am ready to move on. Moving on allows a thing to breathe, to change, to grow beyond what I had imagined. And if that is “bad,” then my efforts to hold back the waterfall probably weren’t worth it, and better that I leave. And if that change is “good,” then I contributed what I could, while I could and left doing my best. Letting go is the ultimate act of faith and love sometimes. And despite my worries, I am that.
4/29/22
I am feeling an urgency, a desire to save, rescue, fix. To reassure and validate when more than that is needed… when processing and problem solving, reconciling, and accepting is what is needed. There are forces of creation and destruction in play, that cosmic swirling dance that sets us a drift. I thought there was a floor there, but there is none, and so I am falling again, again, again. How do I enjoy the freefall rather than fear its ultimate and inevitable end? All things fall apart, creation and destruction, confusion and learning, splitting and healing, dividing and multiplying in growth. All things fall apart to reveal their simplicity, and also all things build into complexity. Goodbye my friend. Hello my love. Goodbye my dearest, hello my adversary. Change, loss and renewal.
And if I save them from the depths of their despair, console, meet them where they are, and say goodbye tomorrow, will it have mattered? Yes. Yes I tell myself. But I do not control their story. What will they do with their wild soul contract of a life? I sit in awe and wonder (and suffering and grief) as it is revealed, for my attachments and expectations are sky high. I presume to know what G-d knows, as he has offered me a portion of his heart, and with it I see you. And in seeing you, I am made more aware of the beauty and the tragedy of it all.
SO what should I do with this life, this soul contract of mine. Grow close and pull away? Risk and run?
I step closer and perchance mar the heart which I care so much about, and then in trepidation retreat at the power of my own displacement. I withhold my judgment, fail to act and by doing so, allow a greater tragedy to unfold.
5/6/22
It is 10:30 on a Friday. The week before all hell breaks loose? The week before I loosen the weight on my shoulders. A video on Instagram told me that when things make you anxious, you should visualize a good outcome, so that you can be excited instead of anxious/dreading. I woke up dreading. Dreading all the little conversations I needed to have, that would disappoint or hurt, or frustrate.
I feel like I am letting folks down but it is beyond my control to work through. I have to release the burden, put it back on them, and it makes me realize that I have been holding too much of their stuff. Not pushing it back as much as I should have. I am human, the heart is pulled, and at times I respond to emotional reasoning, and hurt, by holding and validating, rather than reminding them there is a boundary. I can’t do for the whole staff. I see E trying to do it as well. It won’t be effective.
There are some students we can’t support, because they aren’t ready, aren’t willing, aren’t able to handle the things and we cannot do it for them -though many of us may want to.
I am cognizant of the areas I have made mistakes/failed, tried a new approach, tried again, OR avoided out of my anxiety. I am aware especially of the difficult conversations that I postponed hoping that there would be a better moment, keeping the peace because I didn’t want to lay the bricks upon someone who was already expressing their feelings of hopelessness or defeat.
I am also cognizant of the twisting, the way things are being relayed, and how when feelings are involved it is so easy to lose track of reality. We all have some emotional reasoning, and when our feelings are big, it is easy to say “This thing I feel must be true, you must make it true, regardless of the reality.” But emotions are temporary things. My constant worrying, ruminating, prognosticating won’t change anything. Goodbyes are hard. I need some space to sort out my feelings and thoughts, but also have a billion things to do. I need more help than is offered, or rather, I am unwilling to let go and accept the help sometimes.
The people I want to honor, the intentions, the relationships, the attachment...
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