The way I responded to the news, beyond being worried about E and worried that she would feel abandoned, but also that she needed space from me... was apparently to buy a bunch of fucking Japanese food and candy (hedonism). Her sisters recommended we go to Taylors falls and we spent a sunny afternoon sweating and not quite prepared for a hike. We watched comedies that weren't as funny as we'd hoped, and Brene Brown's third episode. We talked about work a lot. We talked about politics. We talked about the future and the plans I couldn't help but make (quit jobs, travel more!) because I felt so powerless.
I was struck by how everything seemed so much more in perspective. Life is not long and meaningless, it is a gift, short and should be cherished. Even the small moments. Even the painful ones have their place. Part of the reason I am so drawn to E, is that I haven't met anyone who could teach me that in the way I needed. I recognize now that many people have tried, have tried to teach me, have tried to love me, but I wasn't ready to drop my armor. Now I get it, I try to hold on to it. It's not an easy path for either of us, but it does feel more real to be true to yourself.
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