SNoW DaY

 

Its a snow day, I am still working.Yesterday was Presidents Day, and I was also working. I am not working very hard obviously. Mostly just emailing and texting. We have the option of doing telehealth, but I am not really interested in virtual appointments today. I am not sure what I am interested in. I just spent 20 minutes watching insta stories. I am doing laundry. The snow is swirling outside my window. Even a few years ago it would have been a snow day full stop.

E is at her grandmother's funeral. She is worried about and enmeshed in the process of collective grief, of trying to make meaning, of caretaking and worry, of trying to figure out what is what and who is who. 

I want to spend time with her, to hold her, to listen, to assure, but I am also aware that I have a tendency to overindulge in the falling stage. I have weird mixed feelings where if I am not feeling fully connected, then I worry there is something wrong. Anxious attachment. I want to take care of her, but I also want her to take care of herself. 

Last week was a really difficult week for the program. A number of kids in crisis day after day, and now we are hoping they can make the subtle transition to experiencing these traumas in a less reactive fashion. And same for staff of course, we are not immune. I found myself playing the role of manager, of caretaker,  and it felt good. I felt useful and helpful, and confident. I am worried I will be leaving this role soon, and I have mixed feelings about it. There is a desire to move forward, to move on, but also a desire to stay, to have community and a team. 

Things get complicated in life. Will my mom still go to the Baltics if war breaks out over Ukraine? Will I meet up with J if I am still dating E? Will I spend 2 months traveling, if I am thinking about coming home the whole time?  Decisions are complicated. They say the universe will test you to see what you really want, and I am a doubter at heart. But what choices to make...

We already love each other as people, but as a couple?E  introduced me to a podcast where they talk about "Falling in love" and "landing in love."   I have never had difficulty falling, I can easily love the passerby, and when I have a crush I can't help but fall, but landing always seems difficult. I worry about compatibility. E and I are on the same page with values regarding people, our hearts yearn for the same things, our missions in life are compatible, but what about life style? what about the little choices that impact the day to day and the distant future. Money. Health. Family. Location location location. 

I am already annoying her with my comments, she will grow to resent it. I am trying to reframe my frustrations and look for how these same traits benefit, teach, support. Impulsivity and action where as I am prone to overthinking and being stuck. Experiencing rather than thinking. Vulnerability, being open about the tenderness of your heart... ah what a beautiful thing to see, and also scary. I am drawn in and repulsed by the same traits, it depends on my state. And I suppose that is the dance, the steps, moving in and out of flow. I can think of a lot of people that might be more compatible in lifestyle, but I am caught sometimes by the way she speaks these truths that my soul believes, and she isn't doing it for me, or to impress, she is speaking the ache in her chest, and she doesn't stumble over her words or misspeak (like all the other times) when she does it. And then we share a laugh over something inappropriate. And then she adds an improvised joke that shifts the reality. And then she makes a slightly sarcastic comment about my intellectualizing, and for a second I am caught off guard, and she stares acknowledging her power to make me stumble, and I am learning to trust it. 

And where  does life go when these fallings happen? I spent time with my parents this weekend, I am trying to keep up with friends. But I am already in that state where it feels like I'd prefer to sacrifice all the other obligations to make time. But I crave connection not just time spent.