Tears

 I am at work. It’s a slow day. People have been reaching out to me lately because I’m “grounding” for them.

I was avoiding some paperwork, and looked at one of those videos where a kid calls their step parent dad For the first time (the whole thing is always a little cringe because it’s being recorded), but I got a little tearful. 

It would have been so easy for me to love them forever. 

Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day

Such a hauntingly beautiful song. 

It now reminds me of a time a few years ago when I was trying not to fall in love. Taking tentative steps towards something intoxicating that I hoped I could trust myself with, and turned sour the way my stomach told me it would. Maybe it was a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I shouldn't listen to such sad songs. 

It is Saturday. I woke up to my morning alarms -wide awake, clear headed and creative, and decided to try to sleep more. Woke up a few hours later groggy, stifled, not at all sure what I wanted and feeling behind. 

I had dreams of knowing people.

I had a horoscope and a tarot reading that said this weekend would be different. 

I can't imagine how. 

I sipped a cup of espresso, but I am still groggy. I plan on playing computer games after a walk with my Dad. The three tasks I had for the weekend were all maybes, a target run, some laundry, a self hair cut. The friends were tentative. Returning to sleep seemed like a good enough idea, the dreams were nice. 

I woke up to find out that I had left my planned lunch on the counter last night to spoil. I am not sure that it would, but didn't want to take the risk of getting sick. 

Considering learning internal family systems, parts work. I am fairly familiar with the concepts at this point, just not the details and terms. I think it will be helpful in my work, but I am also aware that many of my clients don't care at all for terms, so maybe that part doesn't matter. I wonder if I need a more concrete approach for group. Something they can all agree to.

So much of life has to do with mindset, even the bitter ironic mindset like in the sufjan song. 

I ask my students to question their mindset, to give themselves the freedom to choose what they would like to do with their pain. Would you like to suffer? Would you like to acknowledge and reframe it? Grow from it even?

I wonder what I will look back on in this era. Will it be "wasted time" or will I reframe it as the time I became more myself, more authentically me. Didn't swoon to adjust, or cram myself in other people's boxes. Asked them to adjust to my schedule. Or did I just avoid and hide, and hope someone would find me and take me home with them?

I don't know yet how I will frame this story. 

Today I am groggy. I should probably pay some bills. 

work thoughts

The caretaker/peacemaker in me is struggling with holding the tension, leaving it unresolved. I am glad for the breakthroughs, but instantly wonder where I faltered. Look to the places where someone else may be struggling, may need a next step.  Want to do it all, without seeing I am but a part. 

It’s my own version of staying busy, of not paying attention to my stuff. Of care taking others to resolve my inner anxiety.

When things “aren’t working,” (meaning they are in progress),  I blame myself and try my best to control –think through every option, plan plan plan, and FIX the system, make the connection for them.

And yet, I know it isn’t genuine help. What are you learning I ask? What has sunk in? What are you ready for?

They fall back into old self-protective patterns, I remind myself they are doing what they need to do (at this time), and when they are ready, they will make the next step.

Just as I remind them, hey, I know your heart, if you need to hate someone hate them, and I promise you it won’t last one second longer than you need it to.

I assume too much. Presume I know them, understand them, are connected.

Meanwhile, I sit in my isolation, my loneliness, my own depths of discomfort.

Or veg out, play computer games for 8 hours straight, binge watch a season, scroll through Instagram and facebook without connecting.

I wait for others to show their appreciation, or send them memes when I can’t fathom connecting. Can’t muster the compassion, or the depth of my true feelings, couldn’t possibly be as vulnerable as I ask these kids to be each and every day. 

I am stirred, and then shut down, when  friends respond. I wait till the next day. I am a turtle. I wait for the sunlight to leave my shell, and the sun has not shown in days.

I penguin walk back and forth between considering this a problem to be solved, and just accepting it. Somehow I feel like I am making progress forward between the waddle.

Is it just the way I am? Or is it something to consider changing? Haven’t I been considering this my entire life. What would happen either way?

And what would I add, if I subtracted this layer of anxiety/serving.

Who would see me, hear me, acknowledge me, 

What would I even be?   Free?  Me?

The lucky one?

 

Finished the good place'. ( I suppose I should say spoiler alert?)

The last season has a running theme of life as a human,

-making mistakes and trying to do better the next day

-finding meaning and pleasure due to scarcity...

Today, shortly after my last post, the coffee finally kicked in, and I was thinking about how its so easy for me to complain about being lonely, or not having anything to do... but actually my life is really good, really easy, almost nothing seriously wrong.  It's the lack of drama, of fear, of passion that I am complaining about, and it leaves me with oodles of time that can be spent... enjoying the nothingness. 

I played computer games all weekend, and watched a season of tv on Netflix. I didn't learn or grow much, but I wasn't in pain, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't fighting for my life. 

I have food in the fridge, and a healthy body. 

I have a nice apartment, that I can heat up or cool as I need. 

It's safe. It's stable. 

I have friends and family who I could reach out to.

I have all the surplus of the world at my finger tips. 

I am ready for bed. 

Tomorrow I will wake up early and help some kiddos solve some riddles of their life. 

It won't be the hardest work. It won't be the easiest. It will be meaningful, and then I will grab some groceries or some take out, and do it all over again until next weekend.

Nothing much changes, but it isn't bad. It's not getting much worse at least.

The winter is coming, it's already freezing... I will probably gain some weight. I will probably play more computer games. I will probably do the same old things... it's a safe, stable, cave I've found, stockpiled, not much better or worse than other years... and certainly I am lucky to have it.

It's a weird life. All the philosophers try to remind you that you live it alone, even when you're with people. It's a funny argument. I am not sure if cynicism or romanticism or realism?  or what... makes anyone any more happy.  It just is as it is. And will be. 

loneliness distorts

 

There was a postsecret this morning that talked about not being invited into anyone's covid pod. 

I was thinking about the phenomenon of how whenever we are dumped we think our ex's will magically do better in their next relationship. Social media distorts this even more. 

I've been thinking that I should be writing, trying at least, spend an hour a day... that would get me back in the habit. But... then I don't.

Watched a bunch of the good place last night, probably finish it today.

This is a sad sad blog.

I was just at the coffee shop and it was pretty busy, and it felt like I was missing out, and also like it wasn't a safe place to be. How will this work in the future?

It rained on me, everything smells like sanitizer

 Its 4:10 pm

I was trying to think up things I could do today that would be fun, I didn't come up with any. I just got back from a walk, singing JCSS around the lake, got some afternoon coffee and thought about how the coffee shops freak me out now. Stopped at the liquor store by my apartment to buy a bottle of Sprite, considered the white claw Illy gave me...

I've been thinking about cleaning and organizing my apartment, on the off chance I ever have anyone over, it wouldn't look so 'in progress.' Maybe going through all the storage bins, rediscovering parts of my past. Maybe I should treat myself with as much curiosity as I would a new love. 

The fall leaves are starting to fade. There are a couple of good streets still, but the gray is turning everything dismal. It snowed/sleeted yesterday. It rained on me today. There weren't many people out and even the streets felt a little empty. Maybe everyone went out of town for the last hurrah?

I don't really have anything to look forward to. I was thinking about that a bit lately. No trips. No holidays. No parties. No children. Each day passes and then it's gone. It does have a feel of not mattering. So of course I put all my effort into work, into connecting with the students, in trying to be the best coworker and employee I can. 

I had a couple of dreams last night because I slept in. I kind of wish I could go back to dream land right now. The first dream was about seeing an old client, a kiddo who was still arguing with his parent. He wanted support and I had to tell him that I couldn't change his life for him. The second was with some little hottie. I don't remember her face which is weird. It was entirely about sexual chemistry. I remember at one point taking a break and walking around the neighborhood and seeing these huge mansions. Just stopping to count floors, and look at the architecture, and then back to the fire. 

I woke up around 10 AM. When I wake up late I can't think straight. Usually I have less anxiety but also less creativity. The dream made me wonder if I should try to pursue a sexual relationship just for the kicks. 

Most of the day I've spent trying to talk myself into the idea that I am deserving of a relationship with someone who is actually compatible. I'd be nice to find someone who is a match. 

Maybe I'll go read a book. 

Long weekends

It started snowing today. 

Thats ok because I don't have any plans anyway. 

Last weekend I went up north with Rachel. We stayed in the yurt, we had some good hikes and some shopping at Grand Marais and Duluth. It was nice to get away and reminded that life exists beyond work. 

This weekend I have no plans. It's not technically a long weekend, but MEA has reduced the amount of work the last couple of days. A few sessions, a bunch of paperwork. Nothing much. I left early and voted today. Took about 40 minutes with the line. They say 900,000 Minnesotans have already voted with two weeks until the election.

I am wrestling with the realization that I might not see anyone or do anything in the next few days. Certainly not tonight... maybe eat popcorn for dinner. 

More than that, I am anticipating the loneliness. I've been overthinking lately about relationships. Thinking about how I don't know how to get in one. About how friendships just aren't what I am looking for anymore. About how I actually think I was a pretty good boyfriend, or maybe I was a horrible one and drove her away?  I don't know, I am questioning these things as the days get colder and shorter. I am wishing I had someone special to cuddle with. 

Thinking about how each day that passes, reminds me of the years that passed without anything.

Thinking a bit about how it doesn't matter at all... because I am happy most of the time. And also because the universe doesn't owe me anything. Also how it kind of does matter...

I guess I am just rambling. 

Gonna play computer games all night. I did my civic duty. Might as well disappear for a night. 

presence

I try very hard to offer my students and other people my presence. My attention, my mental clarity, my willingness to sit and hold -just about anything...   but it isn't real.

I mean, its real, but not reciprocal, and thus -though I know it gives me a great deal of meaning and purpose, it isn't me sitting there. Just part of me. 

I've been attending a UU small group on zoom. The little readings, the sharing, requires me to get a little more real. To open, to hold space not for others, but for myself. 

I stopped going to therapy a month ago, because I had stopped being able to do that. I was walking into each meeting with a pitch, a story I'd concocted, usually through writing. 

I don't know where to find that space in my life with people. Maybe that's my big issue. I take on a role to please, peacemaker, caretaker, validator in chief. And even when I try to open up, I try to give a canned experience, a storied version, a false sense of clarity.  

I wonder if people start to feel like they don't really know me, or if I have convinced everyone by my giving to them, that I am fully open.  

M used to talk about how I saw lions everywhere, and lions in sheep clothes, and never just recognized the sheep for sheep, and it's true. I do. I see everyone as far more complex, and far more dangerous than they believe themselves to be. Raw vulnerability has never suited me. I have not had a temper tantrum in ages. Removed myself. Lashed out precisely. Sneakily. But not vulnerability. It isn't pleasant for others, it asks too much. 

I've been questioning how much I actually let myself exist in that relationship, how much I held back, a very strong indicator that I was playing a role, and not being present. But I was in the moment. I held space for her and cherished it. But for me?  Rarely, and the more I did, the less interested she became. 

I think that's why the lesson has been so traumatizing, because it reiterated what I learned as a child. Don't be yourself, be what they need or they'll run. Same old pattern repeated. And I know I invited it back, hoping to change the ending, prayed she'd open up -despite all evidence to the contrary, hoped I could win her to me.  I need to stop choosing partners that are the opposite of what I actually want, but how else will I prove the point?

All day long I watch people pushing away what they need to be whole. Watch them avoid, run, sleep rather than acknowledge what they need, ask for it. Some of them have had these behaviors modeled, others learned their roles. It's so challenging to hold space and hold them accountable. Its a terrible tight rope. But what is learning and growing, what is identity development, what is live during societal crisis, what is mental illness, what is relationship strain, what is school, what is teen angst and normal developmental adolescent stress, what does it mean to be a parent and have to be tested in the ways you'd hoped you could always avoid? found coping skills to avoid? found roles to avoid? Life always provides opportunities to heal right? not without fear and pain, that's the stretch, that's the heart tearing to make space for what it didn't think was possible. 

And even knowing this. I spend my weekends alone. I do not reach out. I do not ask. I do not look forward to meeting up. I am as scared as I have ever been of vulnerability, and I'll smile all the way through it. Because, what would it mean to extend myself now? 

It would mean falling apart again, realizing I am just as vulnerable as everyone else, not knowing who will put me back together again... because     who      would?