Freedom

I am amazed that I don't meditate more often. Yes, sometimes I find myself overcome by a meditative state while walking, or suddenly in awe, or in prayer at night, or when I am with someone. But it is such a different state of being. 

I have spent the last few days alone, waiting to find out if I have covid. All my plans seem to get muddled lately. I try to be good to myself -go get get a massage, and it ends up keeping me from my weekend away. 

I try to bring people into my life, and end up feeling alone more than ever. I try to do good, and end up feeling less deserving. Life just feels askew. Everything perfectly crooked, my teeth and jaw, my hips and back, my seat upon the pillow. My walking through this world. My ego and heart are just lonely and disconnected. This is my version of hell and though there are many times throughout the day it feels purposeful, I hate it. I am sad and afraid all the time, and I have to fight it. 

I light a candle, ask the universe for guidance, and it tells me to get out of my head. 

I look around the room and see that I have been trapped inside myself. 

I close my eyes and breathe into the greater universe, see the energy swirling and diving, transmitted from one thing to the next without reservation or pause. I do not see attachment. My feelings don't seem to exist at all anymore. My thoughts melt away, everything is white, and everything is colorful at the same time. I ask myself if there is a "should" in this place? If there is a "good or bad," if there is fear or even love, or want, and none of it exists. It just is. 

The universe is greater than our lives, it is enough, and it doesn't need anything. 

I take deep breaths into my chest and feel the light pour into the places I have blocked, the space of pain, of fear, of not enough. The doubt doesn't exist for moments. I ask myself to remember this, this being present without thought, or seeing and sensing without judgement of right or wrong, without fear of what could go horribly bad. 

I stretch and invite it in. I don't have a need of a partner, but I have a sense of awe of myself and of my body. I don't fear dying or making poor choices, I only desire more of this, because I sense my ego will come back, the enclosure will return eventually. But my soul has recognized a greater truth for a moment and I am grateful. Grateful for the experience, and knowing that my life is but a splinter of a cosmic whole much bigger than myself. A drop in the ocean. 

I play with this sensation, these colors, this light. I try to recall my fears and thoughts, my guilt, my hurt and longing, and though I can bring them to mind, for a moment they don't last. I come back to the awareness of the light, the freedom of it. I think to myself, I need to do this, pendular between the world and this truth, create the groove, deepen it, meditate hourly. 

Behind my eyes the sun lava swirls, cascades, back into itself. Blobs of darkness. My eyes are itchy, my chest less open. I need to breathe again, but the air feels heavy again, things are restricting, and I give myself permission to acknowledge that this is also true. This ego, this body, this state is here for a reason. I get to have both during this life time. I get to experience this.  I try to see the light, but it is gone. The cinnamon smell of the candle is so pervasive, choking really. I wonder if I have called myself back with it. I open my eyes and try to decipher the universe in the flame, but it is just orange light. I am heavy again with aches. I blow out the candle. my jaw is clenched, and mouth sticky. 

I wonder about lunch, and getting my work done.