sigh

 

I haven't really missed M for a few weeks or months. Thats not to say I haven't been thinking about her, occasionally arguing with her in my head. But it wasn't missing her. There are times when I want to know what is going on her life... but overall I have been very sure that she is not good for mine. There is jealousy, envy, anger, hurt, but not missing. Not much any more. 

Tonight while I was making dinner, there was that familiar ache, very very slight in comparison to how it was, but a remembrance of good times. I really enjoyed existing beside someone. I didn't want anything more special than that. I wanted to have dinner and do the dishes, and curl up in bed and read books together, or watch a show. Nothing crazy, just being present. 

I miss who I was, who I got to be, that boy in love. 

I was walking around Target, a little overwhelmed with how many beautiful people exist in the world. It made me wonder why it is so hard to find someone I click with. Why I can swipe a hundred times, and never get responses. Why I can meet a thousand people and no one gives me the same look I am giving them. 

I don't flirt very often anymore. In a strange way, walking the lake and just taking in the beauty of the world is the closest thing I get to flirting. Making eyes, smiling under a mask. And sometimes people smile back. 

There is someone at work who I find attractive, but I don't know anything about them. Maybe that could turn into something?  Maybe that could be too awkward. 

I am reading Rilke's letters, in which he tells the young poet to embrace his solitude, because it is the only thing that is real, and the only way to get to know himself and the world. I have embraced solitude for quite a long time. I spent the entire weekend alone. This solitude only seems to separate me further from everyone else. 

Tomorrow is the first day back in person for the students. My office is undecorated. My notes are not done. So many calls to make. So many things to figure out. There are times I feel like I should take on a leadership role, and other times I am reminded that I have barely just begun at this job (since we went into telehealth immediately after I was hired). 

Oh this unknown future. 

What even is it all about?

On a side note, the show fleabag is mesmerizing.