M names... and truama

I should be writing my trauma part 2 paper. I've been dabbling in homework on and off through the day. I find the trauma stuff to be really hard to stay focused on, but also interesting when you are in it. However, reading research studies of effective treatments is boring and exhausting and no where near as interesting as the stories, and the stories make you cry, and the crying makes you tired, and then its hard to do homework anyway. So I have left myself tomorrow to get it done. I have the references, and some notes, and the majority will come from websites even if I wish it were another way. The truth is that no one has a good explanation for how and why people get better. We have hopes, and we have people who drop out of the studies. We have people who get better, and often they find their way through a sense of purpose and the help of people who care for them.

I find myself lonely tonight. I don't know if it just the fact that I didn't really see anyone today, or the fact that I have been studying trauma. Or the fact that I have a crush on someone and when I see them it feels nice, and when I don't, I feel like it doesn't make any sense... but I am wishing we had infinite amounts of time to eat waffles and explore the tiniest muscle movements of the face. I am wishing I had more time to ask questions, and sit with the answers, and then ask more questions. And sometimes, though I am trying to avoid it, I also wish I had a seat next to her instead of across.

And none of that makes sense of course, because reasons. Checklists make no sense. Red flags make no sense. Attraction and chemistry make no sense. Logic is not a real thing, rationalizations are just mental chatter.

A potential new friend asks me to hang out and we talk about all these things that I ALWAYS WANT to talk to people about, but instead of being excited, I am putting up walls left and right internally. These red flags are abundant. All of these words sound right but something isn't right here. So by the end of the night, I am actually ready to be alone. I'd rather be, and she is inviting me into her life, and I am... not vocal enough to say no.

But then I look at these situations. And in so many ways they seem similar. On paper one could make the argument that this new one is a great situation, better than the other certainly. I could learn a lot, and invest in new ways, and it makes so much more logical, rational sense... and yet, I am wary. Meanwhile, this other person, who I should be wary of... hey, please text me more. I want to hear about everything, even if I don't respond. stupid.

I don't even have the right words for this. This tone is all wrong. Its short and mean. But somehow its also... true.
What do I want?  I want that feeling. I don't want the reality, the reality is that things would end up awful. And of course in the middle of this I get one of those texts, and it is meaningful and wonderful. And then I know I am vulnerable to this...
and I want to say, can I please just have this part without consequences? And I know the right answer is NO, that is not life, and I need to wake up.