An apology story

My brother and I were talking about his summer, and about his going back to work. My step mother chimes in about how irritating the trainings are (valid for most who have esperienced them) we agree for a minute and then she names someone specific, a trainer who did a worship of "courageous conversations (concerning race)." She isn't opposed to this in theory, but her perspective of the workshop is that participants should still feel safe, in the "courageous" space. And she alludes to an experience she has discussed with me before where a group of staff of color berated a white man after he asked a question, basically insinuating the man was racist or being racist in the moment- it isn't clear which because she doesn't remember his question, or the tone, only the angry people of color who embarrassed the white man. 

She brings this up, and I role my eyes because it isn't the focus of our conversation and we have different perspectives anyway which she knows, so really she is bringing this up just to assert her whitevictimhood, but she asks me if I rolled my eyes and I reply yes, honestly and go back to having the conversation. She feels cut out and remains silent. Later she complains to my father and all the while my own tension grows to the point where I feel pretty guilty, not because I'm wrong, but because I've hurt her feelings.

Before dinner I decide I'm going to apologize and I do, in front of everyone though not trying to make a show, just to acknowledge I was rude. 

She accepts it and we go on with our days.

I consider my desire to keep the peace, my desire to maintain a good relationship, to keep things going- and I know I've made the right decision.

But I also know I wasn't wrong.

I wasn't wrong in the same way that baby boomers needed to roll their eyes at their own parents when they said something racist or sexist. 

It's not that I think I can win her over, though I'm sure we will have a hundred more conversations. It's that I think she should feel shame and guilt for propagating bullshit in the world, for being fear driven and hypocritical, and victim blaming, and claiming martyrdom and yet I value the peace...