The Casual Descent Brought on by Time OFF

I've been struggling lately with confidence in the future, specifically me in the future.

Logically I am aware that I am going to Grad School in the fall. I now know I will be interning part time at a community center I like. I will likely work a part time job in addition to these things... and for the most part, that will take up my days.
I imagine it will be two years that goes by under a fairly constant level of strain, not distress but not relaxed, shuffling from project to project, from one appointment on a calendar to the next. I can also imagine that I will try to sneak friends in on the side, as well as the obligatory family gatherings. I will look for someone to date, I will try to do some reading for fun, and some writing -which I mostly imagine will be taken up by Papers and work assignments.  I won't like my part time job, but I will be grateful for the handful of cash that allows me to get through the day with just a little less debt. I may also enjoy the reprieve from difficult things, from mental exertion and compassion, to just "What size Mocha do you want? and with whip?" I may live here unhappily, or I may move and be just as discontent.  I will try to exercise, but likely won't have time. I will try to do other things that are healthy, but likely will pass them by for whatever is most expedient.   And this sinkhole of debt and strain will last a few years.

I will graduate with a Masters but will have to continue practicing in order to get a license for private practice. I may delay on that path because I don't want to be stuck in a room listening to a person at a time, ALL THE TIME. I'll be able to pay off the debt because my grandparents made more money than I could ever hope to. I'll look for something that makes me feel passionate, but instead will land in a job that is draining, and only worth the reward half the time. It won't pay anything so major life purchases will again be put on the dime of someone else. I'll sneak away from time to time for travel. It will seem exciting, and then not. I'll start little audiovisual projects on the computer and maybe finish them. I will keep a guitar or a keyboard around, but I will rarely touch them. I will always have art materials, but months will go by without any effort. I may learn Spanish, here and there, little leaps each time building confidence, but not necessarily fluency. I will write, as I always have, little journal entries, poems and stories, maybe finish a book or a collection,  or give a performance, but likely it won't really have any traction. I will read a lot, and each time wonder why I didn't know that... or believe it to be some new fundamental way of seeing the universe but that ends up changing  my life course in no significant way.
I may or may not date someone. It seems just as likely either way.
I may not have kids because I can't imagine adopting on my own, and if I have a partner we may decide we are too old, or too broke. I may work up the resolve someday to have a cat of my own, but I still won't want to take care of it -same with a yard, same with the universe. I will have roommates because I can't afford to live alone. Or I will have a small apartment. Or I will buy a house and rent out some of it.
I will probably always feel guilty for not making time for people, feel like I should be more invested in community than I am, but when given the opportunity, I'll hide.

Maybe there will be a window of opportunity in which I decide to gamble on some alternate future, some new passion, or a profession in which I take some hobby seriously. Maybe I will meet someone who pushes me into something new, or maybe I will get caught up in the wrong vice, leave the wrong trail and succumb to some societal mishap/failure. Maybe I will die in an accident, or have a body/personality changing experience.

But it's interesting because when I look back I see a clear line that lead here, repeated patterns I am still enacting despite becoming aware of them, and because I am far more stuck in my personality and behaviors than I ever really realized, I see it heading in this direction only.
I am not sure what else there is... what possibilities could occur that would branch from this point in any meaningful way. Perhaps a family. Perhaps global catastrophe. But really it seems pretty straight forward and a bit dull. I love people, but also find them boring. I love learning and processing new information, but also find it unfulfilling. I love helping and serving, but find it draining. I love creating and reflecting but also find it irritating when I can't accomplish what my mind says I should be able to.

Most days I think I am pretty resigned and ok with this. But lately, because I haven't been working and haven't been able to stay as focused as I would like, I am disappointed.

A couple days ago I said it would be nice to not wake up. It wasn't a suicidal thought, nt even necessarily depression, just a boredom thought: if each day is the same, and leads down the same path, why not skip a few here and there. I probably wouldn't even notice.

I can't even picture working anywhere right now because I imagine it to exhaust me in the same way. I can't imagine investing in a person, loving them the way I have people in the past, because it seems to exhausting to be not guaranteed a return. I'd love a vacation just to change things up, but in my ordinary day to day (when I have tons of time) I do the exact same things every day.

Craving novelty without the exertion to find it.