I should rename this blog- mike frantically writing down his dreams.

I spent the evening with her. The dynamic was painted in her favor, with the world coalescing above her shoulders and me attempting to do what I could to remove it, without ever actually asking why? Why do you put yourself in this position? Why do you drag me into it? Why am I of so little importance and yet always tagging along. 

In my head I play the role of caring friend, would be protector until the end... And apparently tonight was the end.

We were at a bar-restaurant. Nowhere I would choose, but I'd gone to play the role. The conversation was pleasant and surface and catching up, until slowly the insecurities and jealousies started spilling out. It began innocently, but built to become a fortress. A small slight, (you weren't able to get tickets to a show you wanted to see) became the world against you, your friends, your family, and I picture myself as a safeguard, a spillway, but the conversation left so little room for me. I fought and kicked to stay in your neutral eye, not even the positive, but not against you. 

A man approached. Friendly. You grew defensive, I reacted and sent him away. Your mind tried to solve the puzzle, and painted him a key piece. You wanted my help to escort you. You were already a mess, and frantic, and in survival mode but the idea that you could retrieve or rebuild some lost foundation by talking to this man -seemed plausible, but when I think about it, only because you asked me to be there. No one chases a pack of dogs into a back alley when they are drunk and emotional without receiving new scars. 

You said something about trying to figure out why you have no reflex to self protect, I said that you did and it was strong but only in the moments of absolute necessity. Perhaps I had it all backwards... And realized that -as you began to sniff around the dogs. 

We approached. His friends sat around -ones you didn't know. They seemed like ordinary people, not the beasts of their past lives.  You pretended to buy something, then, even though you'd been ready to go home, you bought two tickets to a later show - something hours away, and I had to push myself- reimagining hours more of this charade.

The restaurant closed. We sat in a back hallway staring at the neon glowing signs that displayed where each club and restaurant were in the building. 

The bench was at first empty, but people left the closing restaurants, they packed in, and the tension they held about their bodies was the same. People in various states of reveal, clothed in jealousies held tight to the chest or shoved in each others faces, in various states of playing the roles. The dogs circled and sniffed about. Some people pet street dogs and get bit. He had a look in his eye that promised mischief, but you thought him flirting, you thought him promising you something I couldn't. I was looking up your directions to walk you through the night and return you safely, I was looking for the boring things people do to entertain each other- when their company is all you really need. You saw me on a phone, and compared it to the glimmer in his eye, and the sparkle of his teeth. 

You turned just slightly and stood up. The beast of a man caught my eye as he assured you.  I recognized what was happening and reacted:

Physically shoving you into his arms. 

As you turned the corner into the alley I did change my mind, I looked. You were gone. So i returned to your things, you left your purse, your jacket. 

All the vulnerable things you'd need kept safe after you returned bleeding...

I woke up and hated myself for doing it. For acting with such anger. But I am pretty sure I walked away, let you be devoured whole. 

And I think the thing that made me angry was not that you were so foolish, or that I acted out, but that the combination of it all meant that in your mind I would no longer be good or neutral, but one of the dogs. That no matter what I said or did, it  was the world against you, with you hellbent to prove it by pushing me away and allowing yourself to be crushed by it. 

The physical person changed a few times during the dream, but the presence was one person. The roles were too familiar. I wonder what I am learning that I can see it so plainly.  And what I am not learning, in that I have no idea how to solve this issue. 

I've been avoiding relationships specifically because I am sick of this dynamic. I am sick of trying to be what the other person wants me to be, always thinking of what they might want me to say before I say something, never sure what to share or not share about myself because I want to be liked. Seeing in a moment the shift of the eyes that signals that line has been crossed.  If it is someone new that line is not so important. Someone old, more so. 

But also I hate my way of reacting, sulking, acting out, making decisions that hurt myself and others in the long run, because I'm unwilling to be honest at the right time... I hate being both these people. I can see this role playing out a million times over and it makes me want to hide instead of asking. 

I'm hiding from this. From this vulnerability, this push and pull of needs that can't be met, and needs for self destruction, because honesty is never a possibility, never assured at least. 

I am sick of playing the roles, so I am not playing any... Not seeking them out and irritated when they call me. 

This dream has never happened. There is not a single actual experience in this situation that is true physically. But at the same time I have never had such an honest dream that so clearly demonstrated the monstrosity of it all, and every single detail was in its right place. Which is the wrong place.