Saturday 1 am

I am pretty ready for bed, so maybe I shouldn't be writing.
I finished Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance today and really enjoyed it. It left me feeling a little too excited at a certain point, and really moved by the end... but also a little shaken. I looked in the mirror and wondered who I was.
This is something I have been trying to put together for a while.  When my coworker asked me recently why I was leaving, I said... I am really grateful for what I have had, I've grown confident and happy with the work I have done, but I have neglected major parts of myself for this job... and I need to go find them. 
This week when we told the students that we were leaving, I cried.  I cried for myself, I cried for them too... but I haven't cried much for me this last year... I've felt very unable to be emotional, like its too much to be vulnerable in that way.  
Today I was wondering what others see, do they see me?  I am not even sure what I see, so how do I know if they see me or not?
I've grown really confident and ready to move on, but I have become really closed off, really unable to be vulnerable, or truly warm, to really emote, or care or create... and if I've grown stronger in giving this up...able to see beauty and encapsulate it in my brain, to experience beauty, enjoy it even, but with a distance that feels really much too safe...  no vulnerability in any of it at all...
then I hope that in my travels this shell sheds, even if it means I fall apart.
What I mean is... I might need to dissolve a little, to find some better form of integration, so that when I look in the mirror I see me, not just an aesthetic that sometimes I appreciate, and sometimes don't even recognize.  More than that, a presence that I recognize and that can be recognized... I only use the mirror example because I sometimes realize when I look in the mirror how distant I look... like I'm not even in this space at all.  

I've been so much more aware of smells lately... 
so sensitive, and it feels right... 
like its calling me... telling me to be honest
telling me to give up all the intellectual pretense
to be part of something more natural
to sooth and be soothed by sensations
to love and be loved in relationship