yuckers

11:42, trying to get to sleep. Listening to the same video I have been playing on repeat for weeks now. Pretty telling when you go through it.
My mom said I was repressing my anger, she suggested two remedies. First she suggested I chop down a tree... we later joked that that might be putting more violent and angry energy into the world, but my response at the time was I already lack the motivation to do anything.  Grant quoted something about how the energy we use to repress often keeps us from having the energy to move forward.  Secondly she suggested crying.  I told her I wish I could, but haven't in months. 

I'm trying to go with this method.

Jess asked me to do something today that was at the exact right moment, and made me feel really nice. She asked me to get her groceries, sick baby at home.  I was already out of the house and already in a fairly ok mood due to a large amount of coffee, food and somewhat intense conversation about religion, politics and psychology.  
It was really nice, because it involved almost no emotional energy (minus a tiny amount of anxiety about getting the wrong thing).  I am beating myself up tonight for abandoning people. For not feeling strong enough, for not being compassionate enough, for not being able to care take more people... for not having any desire to reach out to people who I think probably need someone to reach out.   I am thinking about them, because I am pitying myself, I am thinking about how my situation is really not so bad and yet feels so debilitating while other people are dealing with much more, and I can't even pick up a phone, or apologize... and yet more than likely I am holding those same inabilities against others.

None of these emotions are very helpful,  they don't make me want to get up and do things. They make me want to shut down and shut out the world. 

Today I find myself reliving my life, new thoughts and feelings all expressed in old poems. Religious poems, emotional poems.