sick for days

I sort of doubt I will be posting again before next year, just because my head is not with it.

So Happy new year!  and if I do post,  well sucks to this post

I really don't want to say too much, or too little.

I have been sick for the past few days, like christmas eve till now, or something... a sort of cold/flu  not sure what the difference is anymore kind of thing.   I'm mostly achy, sometimes have a mild fever and the occasional cough.  Been taking heavy regiments of the quil.

That being said, between the ill, and the quil. I have had many strange moments that almost seem like i am high.  incredible body sensations, and moments where my mind was just so single fire...
I am used to being able to multitask, and that has not been going well, but I am not working so its fine.  I just sort of have a constant nagging feeling like i am behind on everything.. which I probably am but I am sick so fuck it.

Anyway some examples...   the other day I just sat for like an hour in my bathrobe in a slight feverish stoop and it just felt like melted heaven or something...  It feels like the tingles I get from watching asmr videos.
It doesn't always feel like that. I have been having a really hard time sleeping because i get so achy that I wake up like every 20 minutes and can't get comfortable... but sometimes it just feels weirdly nice. I don't know anything other than medication and  intoxication that makes you that aware of your body...  illness is weird. So when I can relax and still feel all the little sensations its nice.
thats the body part
the mental/emotional part is weirder. I have my normal fantasies, my normal day dreams, my normal thought patterns... only because they are so single focused I get really lost on them. I was at a movie today (my attempt to be normal and pretend like I wasn't sick)  and i started thinking about something for like 10 minutes, and then when the previews started I snapped out of it, but I felt a deep feeling of loss because I had been attached to that reality, but also a feeling of relief because I am pretty sure it wasn't a positive reality. 
At the book store I saw a book about being a new dad and it almost made me cry, because I had this glimpse of that reality and then it wasn't real.

which brings me to the last piece...
I always enjoy dreams, and this in and out confused state I have been in has been particularly interesting at times... I spend 40-50 minutes in bed not quite asleep (due to the aches) but not quite awake, lost in these pseudo dream states... but a few days ago I woke up after a longer spell of sleep, and I was very conscious of the perspectives in the dream,  it was weird though, it was like

lots of different spirits talking, and there was a collective decision to wake up, (which my body responded to), but before the spirits had acted upon their decision... so they continued the conversation for a second... and basically it was one spirit asking the other ones  well which body should I wake up as?   and the spirits were kind of saying   whichever you want?   my body opened its eyes and said this one!   before the spirit chose.

It was a very surreal dream, and made me think of something I had thought of after another dream a few weeks or months ago,  but about the fact that maybe our consciousness actually isn't dependent upon these bodies... and maybe it chooses to come back when you are waking.

Anyway... I woke up struck with that idea... that my body chose before the consciousness had... it had more options.
I would like to sort this out more... maybe I will have some more interesting dreams tonight.

in reality land.
I got to see a bunch of friends last week and it made me feel accomplished and good and loved.
I will probably see some more in the next week, but I don't feel like i am in such a rush.

At the movie theater and the restauarant and the bookstore today, I was suprised by how small my voice felt, like a character, a child asking for help...

My body feels week and my mind feels like racing when it isn't entirely vacant.