I bet we have a lot in common, I bet you like the same things I do: chocolate, sleeping, new pets, spring time, summer time too

Below is a video of a person reading some bell hooks, we discuss  this excerpt (most of it) with the students at school... I am unsure how hearing it vs reading it plays out... but what do you think? 

Also I am not saying all of this is brilliant but there are brilliant parts of it...  

 Last night I played skee ball, I am looking forward to the next time I can play skee ball. Also hoping this is good (Flea's solo album), but I haven't listened to it yet. 

I just sent an email to someone and got sick to my stomach. It was an email asking them how they are doing, and saying I was interested in getting to know them... nothing more than that.* I got sick like I got sick every time I hung out with Jess V for the first year. I hope this isn't a sign.

 I am going to Iceland/Ireland in 2 weeks! So much walking today.... Pride was ok, but mostly it was commercial feeling. 

Maybe see Bronchi, Illy and who knows who else this week? Maybe go canoeing. Grant and Chris get home, gonna hear about South America... and find out whether I am still driven to go next year. Been wondering if I will have the cash... I am pretty sure it will rock my bank account. 

 I read something today that said green is a trigger color for creativity, while red inhibits it. My room at Jared's is red... Ima haffa paint dat shit 


*I was listening to Best Friends Forever's "Twins in Love"(not the best version) and "Tape Song", but really all of their songs about living and believing in the fantasy rather than actually trying things("Jes Excellent" "How BFF Breaks it off with Movie Stars" etc)  ... I still love those songs but I decided that was good enough 5 years ago when I was listening to them, but not anymore.

Babies

Two of my students recently had a baby (they are a couple, so just 1 of them actually gave birth).  Its exciting and weird to see teenagers in that position.  My coworker who also recently had a baby with her partner joked with the boy that they were going to get "World's best Dad's" mugs and have coffee together.  My coworker spent a year trying to get pregnant and it never took, after just two tries inseminating her partner she was pregnant, so my coworker ended up being the "dad" instead of the "mom"  though she is doing pretty well as a mom so far.   A few times towards the end of the year she would bring in her baby daughter and the kids would all gather around. They said I looked awkward with her, and I did, I felt awkward with her like I do with all babies... but as I said to one of the students, "I'm a boy, we aren't taught to run up and hold all the babies in the family."  
The student thought that was dumb.

Its been almost a year since some ladies asked me to be a biological father.   At the time I was terrified and excited. I felt honored and in my head it was something that would be good for me, root me to something, give me a sense of wholeness in a way I didn't have.  I still think that that would be the case, and maybe a little less selfishly, over the year I started to think that though awkward... I would make a good father. Sure I am scared, but being afraid isn't a good excuse for things anymore. 

The bio-dad thing didn't work out, and though I sometimes regret putting them through it, I am glad I did it, and glad it didn't happen.  It didn't feel right... not ethically or anything, just personally. In my heart I knew I wanted to be a Dad, but a Dad who is there.  Full of fear, but there I guess...

In the past year I have started having lots of dreams of babies... even this week I think there have been like 3 or 4, one last night which is why I woke up thinking about this...   babies in trouble, babies being passed around to be marveled at, babies who grow and develop, babies who call me by name, babies who cry and babies who smile. Babies who will someday inherit the Earth, but for now are wrapped up and needy. (*I worry the "needy" piece is desirable to me)

In the past year I went from "sure I want to be a Dad some day, to yeah I want to be a Dad."  
I don't know how to make that happen in the way I want... just as I don't know how to partner up...
but its become a real thing.
My first reaction to my Ex being pregnant was jealousy, the second sadness.  I don't know if the jealousy was of her husband, or of both of them living a life I presume to be good.  The sadness was not something I expected. I didn't know why I wanted to cry, just did. It was raw emotion, without thoughts, and I still don't have any... but the sadness has faded. Life goes on. 

I imagine this will keep happening in my life. Little moments of envy. 
I don't really know what to do about any of it.   

I am supposed to be going to SoT right now, and PRIDE today,  but I think I will probably go to a coffee shop like every other day... because I am a creature of habit.    Though maybe one that slowly grows. 



* So I have often noticed that I feel more secure with people when they need me, lately no one seems to need me, or I can't give them everything they need -which might be healthy boundary setting, but I am worried that my desires are really all just me trying to get my need to be needed met... care-taking traits... uggghh.

preparing and depleting

I just paid 6 months (sept-feb) rent. I hope that works out.
Today I also bought 3 new pairs of pants (2 on sale, including the skinniest jeans I have owned since my mom was buying me jeans), some storage bins (my room is entirely plastic), some gel pads for my shoes -because I be walking so much ;),  a  bunch of travel shit... like mini deodorant and mini sun screen and a rain coat that I am hoping will protect me from the wet of the lands I will be headed to shortly.

I heard from Melissa, that she is planning on being in the Miniapple at the exact time I was headed over there, which is disappointing, and now I am left with the question of to spend a few more days.  Should I spend it in Ireland, maybe walk a trail?   I haven't looked into them enough to know if you need a sleeping bag and tent (I'd have to rent) because I also got out the bag I am taking and it is GOING TO BE LIGHT.    or else... I will have a sore back...
no, I am just hoping I can manage with very little... even the idea of two pairs of pants is bugging me right now, don't even mention the inevitable giant of a towel that always gets purchased.

I  have been really bored lately. I don't mean that I haven't been doing things, I have just had the feeling of it not being very exciting.
By lately I mean yesterday and today.  I have decided it is because I don't have a crush, or rather, that the only person I have a crush on(la profesora) is a stranger who I will probably never see again--  And part of me likes it that way... because in this way she stays something desirable... but maybe I'd hate her if I met her.
Anyway... life is more exciting with a reason to get out of bed... my life seems on hold.
Even the art and writing and reading and all that gets a little old... how to stay "present" when you don't have a future you are looking forward to...
Anyway that was my little rant.

I watched a movie called The Wind that Shakes the Barley  which is about the Irish War for Independence, and the subsequent Irish Civil War. It is incredibly sad... and I am reminded I am headed to a country that's national sense of self is somewhat based on these traumas.
Good movie, but hard.

Im a get back to organizing... you take care of yourself now ya hear

samuel the puppy bear

If all I want to do is sit around and listen to this(picture a little nsfw), does that make me pathetic?

I already went for a walk, did some planning and some reading. Every time I start one of these I think "sure I will have something to say" but then within seconds I realize I really don't. I read a book today that suggested keeping a journal of good things, happy things from each day. 

Good gyro at the gas station with Dad, an adventurous walk through the neighborhoods of Eden Prairie, a short chat with Ali. A few minutes facebook chatting with Becky, to be reminded that I over think, and not everyone is mad at me when they don't respond. A good iced tea. A good soundtrack. A ton of fantasies about meeting people, moments of real confidence. 

Here are some selfies, a shot of the sky over downtown and some storm damage:

 

I think it's a pretty common complaint... I haven't had Internet for the past few days and it started to feel a little lonely. Now I have it back and it feels way more lonely than it did without the possibility. 

I've been walking around lakes, drawing and dancing, reading books and wondering about people.  Thinking abut buying properties and thinking about taking vows of poverty.  Wondering if I should be a street performer or a pick up artist. Wondering if I need to exercise more and cut out excess, wondering if I should be packing up my stuff and why no one texts or emails me back.   

I am headed to Iceland on the 15th of July and coming back the 16th of August but in many ways that's feels worlds away.     Too soon and too far.   My coworkers joke that I will fall in love, I'm more worried about falling out. 

The moon has been big and so have my dreams, the return of Internet feels like a crash.  Perhaps the imagined possibilities are richer than realities.    Perhaps I'm being dramatic.     I miss someones. 

Falling

So my computer is in the shop, and I am learning to play around with iPad and all the apps and what not. I guess this is good practice for when I am traveling.  Some of it seems really cool and then you recognize the limitations.   Wifi is always going to be one limit...these things are practically useless without Internet.  Modifying things seems harder than with a good old mouse and screen. This is the wave of the future though right?   I don't have an iPhone yet, still planning on getting one.  I think my fingers are too big for these kinds of devices.... I am constantly hitting the wrong thing, or not hitting it because my fingers are fat or something.

Been seeing movies lately because I have no life.  Saw The East yesterday and today I saw superman, superman was excellent, the east was...ok.  I wished for more i guess.   

I have this bummed out, sad/jealous thing going on.

Last night I had a dream, I was with my dad in some sort of vehicle, and he said he'd wait in the car while I went and got it... But I got the impression  he was scared.  I went into the place... It turned out to be some sort of weird cavernous desert scene, with mountains and cliffs and unstable rocky ground.  I was just pulling myself up to the last ridge, when before me a volcano exploded. I could see the lava shoot up, but at first I felt no immediate danger... Then as it was showering closer, I realized that the whole area was unsafe nd I began to run.   I was running, leaping over cracks and fissures, I was jumping off of boulders and squeezing under narrow spaces.... When suddenly in the fast confusion of it all I was falling, sliding and it seemed  I was being swallowed by the earth... I remember as I descended  The thought that I couldn't possibly ever climb my way out of this great deep abyss.... And then I hit bottom... And the sand and rock piled atop me... Threatening to bury me, I tried to pull m way up, stay on top of the ground... Stay on top or I would surely die.... All this for an errand.  I'd never see anyone again... But I wanted to live...   So I woke up. 

I don't know if this is the first of some great fear about getting old... Or a warning to not get too close to any volcanos... Or a subconscious attempt at recognizing that I feel in over my head... Or sinking... Or separate. 

Summer School is going well.

I have plans to move some of my stuff in July before I leave and then the big stuff later I guess. 

I'm still not sure of the when and where of my travels...

I've been having all of these baby dreams and thoughts lately, but they weren't of yours. 

It's only 9:00 pm I kind of want to go to sleep... I live an awesome and yet boring existence. 

i only disliked one of these

I feel dumb.  I know this is just a passing feeling, its not all that powerful, its not all that extreme... I just feel like I screwed up on being what I should be.   
That's another thing right   "should" statements...
What did I do so wrong? Why is this... not what I want. Why am I not what I want...
too much fantasy and dreaming, and not enough being ok with reality. 

Weeks ago I couldn't sleep, so as I often do I started to imagine different possibilities for my life and the world. The desire I had was to become some sort of spiritual teacher, knowing full well it was fake, but knowing enough about spirituality and psychology and showmanship, that I would be helping people regardless because all they really need is for someone to care right? Tonight I watched Kumare. 

I'm really lonely in a way that seems different than in the past. I am hanging out with people every day, I am doing things I enjoy, I am preparing for the future. But everything feels fake.  Like this isn't my real life, this is me pretending to do the things I am supposed to do.  I am supposed to be in love, on an adventure and starting a family. Where is that? 

I have more thoughts but fuck it.  I hope you are well.  

feeling the ick

You know when you watch a video a bunch and then realize it has very few total plays... and you think "damn I must have contributed like half of those."

yeah


I feel kind of ill right now, and I think that might be contributing to my feeling low... but I am also trying to be social tonight... cuz I said I would - and that is the only way to keep yourself accountable right? plus they have good peanut butter cookies.


Its a mixture of loneliness, pessimism, envy and body aches.

Lonely because I can't have all the things I want.
Pessimistic because things aren't the way they should be, and its exhausting (owls).
Envious because other people are doing the things I wish I were doing.
Body aches because...  lunch wasn't cooked right? or because I stayed up too late?   who knows

Also, I am sick of these fucking bugs in my room. Who do I blame that on?