the long list of to dos

I was trying on shirts at a department store today. 

White button down formal wear, you know the kind, the kind you'd wear to your brother's wedding.

Which reminds me, both my brothers, my step sister and one of my brother's friends were outside the changing room. A look in the mirror and my anxiety suddenly sky rocketed. I don't know what other people see, but I don't see me sometimes when I look in the mirror, or maybe I do, I can't really tell... I see an old bloated man, the kind my Grampa turned into before he died... or maybe he had always been. The kind Lacey describes her dad as being, the kind I joked I would turn into before she got upset with me yesterday, the kind I am worried I already am... all skinny arms and legs and giant gut.

And with my whatever racing, I wasn't really able to concentrate on anything else. 

It hasn't happened in such a long time, that it caught me off guard. This is what I am feeling... the need to escape. 

I don't want to describe the scene, because even then I knew it was silly... I knew my brother's friend had probably double my weight. And I know people think of me as skinny, but I couldn't concentrate on anything that made sense, not the comments from my step sister saying its not me, but the shirt and the pants that don't fit right... but I didn't fit right in any of it, didn't fit in the dressing room, didn't fit in this body, just didn't fit. 

Since then I have been thinking of what I can cut out of my diet for at least the next three weeks, no candy, no desserts, less sugar in my coffee, less pop and no more icees and arctic rushes and berry cherry chillers. And I can exercise, I don't quite think I can walk to work, but I can start walking places... and I can lift the 10 lb weights I have in my room, and I can do little routines, little exercise regiments. 

I don't think I can make big body changes in three weeks, but maybe I can tone my muscles just enough that I feel confident, work them, just enough to lift certain things, and make me feel stronger, make me feel a little more confident in a shirt and tie, standing up straight, with a little less gut than three weeks before. 

Add that to my list and I have quite the set of goals for the next month... maybe one of the most stressful months...  

goodluck me.

Something I am obsessed with

So obviously I spend a lot of time thinking about love, attraction, relationships, dependency etc. I started this very young, I remember in preschool wondering how close I should become with a group of boys who were all rough and tumble, amongst that group I met my best guy friend of the last 24 years. Even then though I remember wondering if I should be drawing closer to the competitive boy's games or role playing with the girls. At that same day care, by 5 I was given special privileges that included not having to take nap time (as I was older than many of the other kids). I was later accompanied by the two girls I liked the most, and we would play various imagination games or draw together.

I don't know if I would call it a crush, but I liked them even then. I felt drawn to them in ways I didn't feel drawn to the boys, later this same feeling made me question my gender orientation, because I just felt more comfy around the ladies. 

So as you may already know I have been contemplating a lot of relationships lately (my own and others) just what connects them? What causes them to "rush in" to commitment? What causes attraction at a friend level vs a romantic level?

Its a seriously fascinating and sometimes tormenting subject.

This article has some interesting ideas

I am really intrigued by oxytocin. I think I am an addict for it, but even then I wonder why in some ways it displays itself romantically and in other ways just friendly...

There have been so many times in my life where I walked into a situation with one feeling and then upon connecting with another (sometimes like just their presence) I was immediately overcome with waves of calm, affectionate feelings, like I longed to take care of them. To touch them or tell them things, or just stare at them and enjoy their presence. 

In some of these cases I was determined to NOT love them, and couldn't help myself like my mind just switched positions...

But why is it with some folks and not others?

What is the role of safety and defensiveness?

How much is in the willful intention and how much is in the natural chemistry?

11:11

* 2 people told me I need a girl friend today

* My schedule for the week is almost full, Wednesday and Saturday are still open but I have calls out

* I accomplished most of the things on my list today

* My external hard drive might not work, which is the most scary thing, because I never got the information off it.

* I wrote, read and painted today

That is a picture from the other day... I am going to become a farmer.

I have no idea why people are subscribed to this piece of shit blog

9:30 in the morning and i'm already feeling sorry for myself... sort of pathetic.
SoT at 11:00, no May Day Parade due to weather. Need to do a one to one. Have three things to do for work before tomorrow. So likely spend all afternoon at a coffee shop.
Avengers was good, ran into Jessica and her boy which is hilarious.

"So each day would be new I build you to sleep
That's the idea of dying but you'll just have to see
You can do what you want or so you think
But till you stop all your thoughts
You are tied to your surroundings"

This is a track that was only on the Japanese version of the cd

I've got a million to choose from
A million ways things could be
In dull moments I feel like
There's a million options I see

The trouble is choosing one
The trouble is doing one
A slave in the fields one night
He's running along
Gets far enough to be a free man
And he's feeling so strong
That's how actions should be
Freeing
Step after step is our only choice in a walk
When we run at the mouth we jump back and forth
There's only one place I'm going
There's only one destiny
And if my mind tells me otherwise
Then it's a poor guide for me
All of the energy in life
Is nothing more than a spark in a fire
The whole course of time is the blink of an eye
Rain in the slums
Ah Yom
Into the cards
Aum Yaum
Rain in the slums
Aum Yaum
Into another world
Aum Yaum

(There is some buzz on the internet about what Aum Yaum "ah yom" is supposed to mean, some say it is his anglicized spelling of a hebrew term, while others take the "aum" part to be a  hindu reference, perhaps both as the album jumps back and forth from different spiritual teachings?)

dunn bros 2012

the morning after

We should be thankful who we are
Whether we know ourselves or not
Walking alongside myself
Neither of us listens very well

(not the first time I have posted this)

Here is a  another frusciante song I like to sing

I want to again be holding hands, with you under water

and could we get a second chance, go back and start over

Spent a lot of time last night contemplating how to be true to oneself. 

Illy and I talked about the things we are and are not honest about with each other.  Not like we listed them, A B and C, but discussed the topic of holding back.

It reminded me of that moment in every romantic relationship I have had where I realized that there was a choice to be made. Avenue A leads to a deeper connection, scary because revealing secrets could  perhaps lead to rejection. Avenue B is going on the same, and knowing the relationship won't last because you aren't putting anything into it. Except in this moment I wasn't scared. I didn't think for a second that our friendship wouldn't last, I didn't worry about rejection, I was troubled though that honesty even in the good soil, still takes such hard work.

My Dad once told me that the reason he and my Mom got divorced was not because he physically cheated on her, but rather that he was seeking intimate emotional support from another woman.  I am not sure how I feel about that, or rather I know that I reject that... and yet have seen it come up in many of my relationships.

Jealousy and insecurity get the best of us all. My Mom had invited her into our home, had attempted to become friends with her, to say "its okay to have friends, as long as we are open about the support we need"  but that wasn't the way of it in my father's concrete thinking... he was either with a woman heart soul body or not.  He left my Mom, for Colleen and near as I can tell, has very few intimate friendships left. 

I see people making this choice regularly. Its scary to me, because the downside is isolation, abuse, neglect and if the rejection should happen it is so much stronger.

My mom had plenty of intimate friends, who comforted her for the next decade, a decade in which she continued to raise 3 boys, bought a house, landscaped and added to the house, worked multiple jobs and went back to school for 4 years, took multiple trips around the world, often times including us etc. 

My Dad tried to solidify his family, tried a few bad business models, helped raise a step daughter, became a member of a church where he had many responsibilities, returned to the hardest job I have ever seen.

I think both of them are satisfied with their choices in life, but I'd like to take after my mom in this one.

That doesn't mean its easy.  I recall being pulled in different directions by people close to me. No regard on their end for the ripping effect, rippled out through the rest of my relationships, because in the moment I put them on hold (publicly) and in my torn heart continued to reach in both directions... but recognized that in those moments they didn't see me reaching... and pulled back.

The triage game no?  

Similar to the triage of work, but almost entirely a game played in the hearts.

how much a reaching hand can me.

a good one



don't know why that came to mind...

I don't like the amount of energy I put into distracting myself from thinking about certain people.  I wish it were easier to manifest the situations that my dreams endear to me.