I woke up singing this song. According to Itunes I haven't listened to it in 5 months. The brain is a beautiful thing.
I drove home last night a little discordant, the various parts of me feeling self righteous.
I was thinking about my desire to keep people happy. It had begun from a conversation I had had with illy, about never wanting to see my coworkers mad at me. I wonder how many people spend their life trying to avoid other's anger. Of course that spread to other relationships... how much time do I spend trying to problem solve, heal and care take, dote upon, buy shit for etc, so that someone will never be mad at me...
but of course its futile right?
Illy and I had watched this movie last night where this woman who doesn't know herself struggles to find a partner. She transforms into whatever they want and keeps herself in the dark. As the movie progresses she begins to discover that she can be herself around one person, but everyone around her thinks that person is a scumbag so she rejects him (rejects herself again). Eventually as is the custom, she realizes her mistake... but I wonder if I will?
I always considered it a blessing that I "knew my purpose" I was put here to care take right? To be there for people, and yes I had to learn boundaries, I had to learn that I can't give indefinitely without taking care of myself, or in fact that taking care of myself needs to be high on the list of priorities in order to help with others... I had to learn that I can't do things for people, can't lose faith despite "mistakes" and "setbacks" need to recognize the good, regardless of the bad -yet protect myself from them all the same... protect myself from only believing in the possibility and disregarding the reality. yeah yeah yeah I'm working on those....
but is understanding your "purpose" enough if it comes along with desperate cravings to never make anyone mad? Am I able to be truthful to them, to me? Do I actually just transform myself into whatever they need? Speak in accents, and change my clothes for them, take on new activities and responsibilities entirely absent from my own desires?
Or is because my desire is to be there entirely.... that these are just minor concessions?
Illy said something else a few days ago that struck me pretty hard, it may have been the fever or my general exhaustion or just may latent vulnerability but like a knife it struck deep and I turned away in tears for a moment.
She was saying that someone in particular was never sort of "thankful"
My boss tells me regularly how much she appreciates me, and though it comes a little harder to some of my other co-workers they do so in their ways too...
And my friends they say it too, in their desire to see me, or their reluctance to let go...
but I think in romantic relationships its always been harder...
I have only dated selfish women, something in me thinks its beautiful despite my stated cases against it... something in me screams if they like you it means you are special.... something in me convinces me its ok and that it comes from some place deeper where they aren't selfish... its their self protection, its their vulnerability, its their selflessness that causes it.
and all of that is probably true.
Some part of me also knows I don't let people in, don't let them take care of me, don't let them get to feel special(needed), deny them, set boundaries, place others before them sometimes, struggle to say I love you, struggle to show what they really mean to me...
and all of that makes them doubt, -like it makes me doubt when people are put together, like it makes me doubt when they seem to have enough friends, like it makes me doubt when they are already fulfilled, have dreams they are following through on, have exs they are close with, have friends they are intimate with, ...when I don't see a place for me.
I've spent a lot of time going to counseling for this issue, more so than any other. My counselors are always trying to get me back to the reality that people being mad or scared or hurt by me doesn't mean they will reject me outright... but its always been hard to believe that.
I'm getting there though. Getting closer to just being honest, to just sharing the things that are tearing me down, to just being ok with the past, and trying to work beyond the present.
To maybe accepting that I too am hurt, hurt by all of you, and that I dwell on impressing you instead of healing.
To maybe accepting that I too am angry, angry at all of you and that I use it to hurt myself when I should be letting it out more constructively.
Getting closer to recognizing that passionate feelings aren't always so scary, don't have to be so dangerous and risky.
That sitting with something, walking away from something, missing something, fighting with something, none of these necessarily mean that the someone attached is gone forever... recognizing that the things I hold to be true aren't...breaches can be repaired, hearts heal and rejoice again.
but they require sturdy foundations...
and for all my charisma and bravado, illusion of steadfastness... I can't actually hope for healing if I am not honest about where the breaks occur.
I'm building with weak materials despite well crafted tools. Working backwards from grand dreams of the possibility and you can't start projects from the top down.
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