To a certain birthday girl.  I hope you are finding what you need in the world, feeling good about yourself and hopeful for the future.

Also, I'm still mad at you for not wanting to meet up with me.

I don't really need to say anything more about that.

These past few days I have gotten a pretty strong taste of what it feels like to be confident and hopeful.  I want to continue it, to be more honest with myself and others. Also to see myself as someone who can actually do good things in the world. To carve out some space for me and mine, and know that that doesn't make me selfish or insecure... it shows I care enough to get involved.

A lot of this comes out of the week long training I just went to, at least publically but I think Illy has  been helping me with many of the same things on the personal side.

I am a little worried about the things that are not in my comfort zone, even the little things. I am also worried that once I get started with school the realities will kick in, you can't make change if the people aren't with you.

Do I have the courage, patience and drive to be steadfast in my conviction?

Norway and More

I have been trying to figure out why this Norway thing has been bothering me more than every other random attack. The London bombings and Madrid bombings barely phased me. The countless bombings all over the Middle East and Asia take about 10 seconds to forget. The continuing wars all over Africa are rarely on my mind... but this Norwegian thing is rough.
I heard this man named Atma on the BBC talking about how the area of Oslo that was bombed is really multicultural and that the response to help people was also done by all.
Then of course there is the teenagers at a summer camp...
I can't think about it without getting teary eyed.
But it feels weird to cry over people that look like you when everyone who doesn't -doesn't get the same response.  I can't say I never cry over others... but its weird.
I think more than the "they look like me" factor is the "they think like me" factor.
Norway is one of those socialist utopias that I want all countries to aspire to. Not that they are perfect but that they are trying... so what will happen when 80 of their kids are gunned down for being socialists? (presumably)


Also Amy Winehouse is dead. I don't even know who she is really... but she is my age and it seems like a waste.  Maybe this ought to give me some perspective on taking care of myself.

Someone I know had posted this.  A visualization of US Debt

Interesting visual but I always wonder why people make such a big deal out of "debt" -that website also gives numbers for all the "developed" countries in the world, all run at debt. That's how governments work in capitalism. The debt gives the value of the currency in circulation. If there were no debt, there would be no currency circulating. The US has the largest debt, because we are the world's currency.   Who will call in this debt? Do banks have the power of the military to get the government to hand it over? To countries around the world intend to call in this debt against us?  NO.  They may devalue us, or say our goods aren't worth as much, or stop trading with us all together... but it would hurt them as much as it did us. Take our trillions out of circulation and the markets of the world all fall apart.   Debt is a symbol just like money is a symbol. The reality is we either have the goods (backed by our military) or we don't.

dreams of a different nature

Last year I kept having these dreams where I would be teaching in a class room and the students would keep multiplying until I lost control and eventually blew up at them.

A few minutes ago I had the opposite kind of dream.

We were all in school meeting (where all the students and staff get together to talk). It was the first day of class, but we were being watched by some district dude who wanted to make a name for himself. 

People at first were following the normal procedures -if with just a little bit of reminder to raise hands... and then all of a sudden students just started getting up and leaving. 

This was really weird and it left about 5 teachers and 10 students left in the large room. 

We didn't have to talk, we just went to go get them.

I went room to room and reminded students that we were in class and they needed to be back in that room immediately. It took me about 5 minutes to make the rounds, but many of the students were new and seemed to have a hard time understanding what was going on. When it appeared that everyone was back in the room, I decided to take charge (not unheard of -especially in summer school this year). The district guy complimented us on getting the students back so fast, but he didn't truly get that we had lost control. 15 seconds into my "You can't just walk out of class" lecture, a student turned on a huge wide screen tv  and started playing video games. I stopped him, told him he needed to leave for the day, but he refused to turn the game off (though he left). I had to have another student turn the game off, and in the lengthy process I watched a group of 5 sneak out the back left. Then it seemed more on my right had left, and by the time the video game was shut off I had once again only about 10 students. 

This time the staff talked, hurriedly we decided to try again, but there was this really loud music coming from down the hall. Someone said it might be the grunge club practicing, but when I got to that room it was more kids on video games. I told them to turn them off and leave for the day (they did so). Then another room -same problem and it kept going this way. Each room had a group of 4-5 playing video games and I had to kick them out for the day... which they didn't care at all about.

On the way out the building one of them snarkily said "sweet so no homework"  and I responded sternly and with quite a bit of shaming "You don't even know whats going on!"   he responded "Why should I care?"

 and walked away.  

I got disgusted and walked back into the main room after seeing that the remaining 10 students were in the lab in their next class. This class was led by a guest teacher where as all the classes with regular staff were empty.

As I walked back into the pasture (the bigger room)  it was full of people repairing things.  The district guy was yelling at my boss, and my coworker came over and said something about how he wanted to co-run the school to ensure that we were getting results.  Of course this wasn't going to happen... but it all felt so hopeless... I knew that if we didn't have enough students we would be shut down. I also knew that not having students wasn't our fault and that the district guy was just taking advantage of the situation to hurt us. 

One of the workers was a girl I used to know name Bri, and I kept standing near her to get her attention but she never looked my way.I spent like 5 minutes trying to do this and then concluded I had better things to do with my time.

I walked back into the office to think up a game plan for how to fix the problem, and then woke up.

I had gone to sleep wondering why I was feeling slightly disillusioned with teaching. I love my staff, I love what the school stands for, I love our methods but over the summer it felt like we just couldn't win.  

Me and this other co-worker were in charge so it felt like my responsibility... but in the end we lost about 13 students because they just wouldn't show up and do the work. Many times we talked to them about the importance of showing up, about the importance of not skipping, about the importance of actually turning in work... but none of it mattered. They weren't ready to be in school.

Now going back we have about half the number we need by Oct. 

Its hard to know what to do with that. How do you keep a good program alive if the population it serves is too lazy, or too selfish to give back?

And this is what has been on my mind lately. My coworkers and I have been giving our all, and we are not even getting by.  The students seem ungrateful, selfish and ignorant to their reality (they would rather play videogames than have responsibility).  Even when they are working its often times only because they feel trapped, rather than feeling supported... and this summer in the last few days I talked to one of the graduates whose opinion I trust. He said he didn't feel like the staff had done a very good job of really getting to know the students during summer school and spring of last year.   I agree... but its because we are already overworked and exhausted from doing all the things that the students don't see (like try to keep the place running). 

How do I get back to a place where I 

A) Truly get to know the students, put them first etc.

B) Don't resent them for their adolescent disregard of everything.

C) Don't feel exhausted to the point of being pessimistic about it.

or I guess D)  find a way to do all three magically? 

Maybe for all its 40 years this program is not sustainable in this society... so then what?

So officially we are now moving out at the end of August.

I am trying to clean and organize my room into something that would look presentable.

We have Morgan's room, perfectly organized and clean. Erik's room bare with 3 piles of crap on the floor and 2 pieces of furniture. Mike's room, stuffed to the max with stuff, shelves and bookcases overflowing, no closet so the clothes are flowing over and way too many musical instruments and art supplies.

I'm wondering what I can leave in my car. I have two bags of clothes ready to donate. Cds and dvds I have already taken out of place for our upcoming yard sale (thinking August 4-6). I wonder what else I will actually sell there... books? Maybe I should keep the clothes afterall... I've got 5 disposable cameras for no reason that are only half done and need to be developed (also they are all over 2 years old at least).

I'm gonna need boxes... I also wish I had a place to move into gradually... because if I do this all in a weekend, its gonna suck!!!

Maybe I could ditch all this and just get 1 big desk, instead of using half my large book shelf for computer stuff.

The major furniture to move: roughly 4 bookcases of various sizes, 1 small desk, 1 large desk, 1 large chair, 1 twin bed. 2 closet organizer things. A shit ton of plastic bins.

Well I have probably said some of this before...but since I couldn't find it.

I've become quite fond of the comedy styles of this lady.
Also I think its interesting how she dabbles the line between making fun of herself (like who is she really?) and making fun of our culture. In this video she goes way over the top to make fun of the standards for femininity in our patriarchal world, but also hits home with the "what else are you gonna do, show up like yourself, hope things work out, no, that's way too risky, you might get hurt" line.

But then one wonders... would the videos be as funny if she was in her normal "ugly" face...

Posted this before, for sho

 "Usually Just a T-Shirt"

"Untitled # 3" Live

Just having one of those nights where I remember why this is one of my favorite albums.

*because its insane.

For those of you who aren't on the same page, "Untitled # 3" is on the album Niandra LaDes and Usually Just a T-Shirt a double album John recorder while descending into heroin and cocaine addiction. The song "Usually Just a T-Shirt" was left off the official release, but was on some earlier tape versions.  

I love all of the whole cd, but I gotta give props to that other version, the opening is so beautiful, I could imagine singing that in front of any audience if the whole song had continued that way.

Anyway, this will always be in my top cds...  I think it is firmly attached to whatever self-destructive crazy side I have buried just beneath the surface. It flares up when I am alone, especially late at night and all winter long.  I used to imagine that Metallica would always been in my top 10 but I think whatever angry adolescent niche that filled has evolved into a more complex string of emotions... one that John Frusciante's craziness and layered guitar seems to attach to. I don't know of many other musicians who delve into madness and come back with the mix of haunted and angelic, the chaos that gives way to order to be swallowed again on Ad infinitum.

splashed you with some latin there... ooh

Defending our lives, Caye Caulker and something other

At School we show this movie called Defending Our Lives, it shows the stories of women who killed their boyfriends and husbands out of self defense, after years of abuse. Throughout the movie one of the women lists headlines about the number of women killed in the area that year by abusive husbands and boyfriends. 

I don't know how well atmosphere does what they do, but I think any voice helps for the voiceless.

As I was leaving Spyhouse tonight the street was unpaved (recent construction), the smell of gasoline was in the air and the humidity was as heavy as ever. The dusty road with street lights and the heat reminded me of Belize. How I walked the streets of Caye Caulker and wondered at moving to an island to teach. Wondered what they paid and would the locals accept me. Could I learn enough about the local history, culture and climate to speak with ease, or would I always second guess myself?  Could I brace for storms on an island, and eat seafood, and swim in the ocean without worrying about weird bugs, snakes and stingrays.

I have been listening to this tape I found at school today (who works on their vacation? This guy). 

Its a tape by Bucky Halker who basically gives a history and performs labor songs from 1865-1895. YES not 1900 but 1800 and its really amazing to hear. Many of the songs are Union (like civil war) songs turned into labor songs (remember this is pre -AFL Union (workers)).  The songs are remarkably easy on the ears for the most part. Very simple melodies, you start singing along on the first listen, but also they are very Christian -and its interesting to hear Leftist Christianity. These songs were in the window between Marx and the Soviet Union so they don't fear communism as a atheist stance, they use whatever elements of Socialist, anarchist, communalist and christian doctrine they can come up with to say that labor brings wealth not anyone else.  I know some of the members of SoT are on the same page, and its interesting to hear how things change, yet don't.  

Still I have  a hard time equating middle class america (as it stands today) with late 1800s america where the separation between working class and rich was extreme. These people suffered to live, while we suffer to pay off debt we shouldn't have acquired. I don't mean to sound harsh and I do believe the system is sliding backwards, but many of the old songs speak to a time when the US looked less well off than most developing nations of today. Its hard to write a song about the serving class. We create wealth, but not in stuff... so what do we have to show?  

"I waited your tables, and typed your emails and signed for your goods as they came ashore,

 I washed your car- that gets you so far, now I demand you pay me a bit more!" 

Just doesn't have the same ring to it. 

2005

The first real photo album on this computer is from the fall and winter of 2005.

I expected to look over it with a sense of dullness but that does not come to pass.
The album contains two folders though they contain duplicates, the first is labeled "fall winter 2005" and mostly contains pictures from Morris.
A smattering of pictures of the new kids on 3B and even a few from 4B, they seem young and smiley, I can't remember half their names and their stories even less.  They were the kids I was supposed to find a place for, but I was too busy finding my own.
The folder also contains many old friends, people I wanted to solidify my relationships with, to claim as mine. Alicia, Krystin, Laurel, Scott and Andy S, Ashley E, Josh, Tall D and Brian, Mike the Rock, Jason and Amber, Tom and Molly, Russ and Eagan.
It also includes new friends like Nikki who I knew I would have an opportunity to get to know as India approached.
Also my attempts to hold onto Becky in some capacity, pictures of events because it seemed the only time I got to see her. 
Mixed in are new relationships, a relationship to alcohol which was blossoming as my friends turned 21, a relationship with Alexis, strange, exciting, innocent seeming.

Its strange to go through the pictures because I remember the massive fluctuations of emotions. There are other years where my emotions vary only a little... but this year, everything seemed so important.

The pictures of these people seem to represent my attempts to be ok, when I wasn't feeling it. They are treasures for me to look at and remember I am loved. They are steps along the way to show that I am making progress in relationships, and sometimes a picture to show someone I care about them.
There are some that stand out because I remember at the time thinking I could escape through my camera and I did. There are others where I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I wasn't even really aiming it. I just wanted to capture the positive feeling because I knew it would vanish soon enough.

When no one was around and often when they were I felt dirty and worthless. People kept coming to me with expectations in their eyes and I hated them, but didn't want them to walk away either.  I remember just feeling broken, like disabled, like I had lost part of myself.

The pictures of Lex weird me out because I remember them the way I saw her at the time angelic, innocent, exciting. Sweet, and then they are suddenly missing to catch the dissociative spells, the moments she left me and I was alone in my doubts again.  Or the night I do have, where her anger and hurt came out far beyond what I thought should have been there... she was mad at me for leaving, and I took it as a compliment, it felt like desire. A different face of the same emotion that I saw in each picture... they all looked like desire to me, sometimes sweet, concerned, lusty, loving... It's 2005 and I saw what I wanted to see.

The other folder is called "Fam and Friends 2005"
Begins with pictures of my Mother's Dad being buried at Fort Snelling. Honor guard with rifles and flags.
The pictures of my family at both my mom and dad's houses.  My cousin Melissa's wedding, and meeting Nova's girlfriend, a lunch with Aimee and then finally the night before I left for India at Pete's. Which was actually 2 nights originally but a bunch of pictures got erased so I only was able to keep the one. 
Many of the SLP folks crowded in the basement like it had always been. This is the only event on the album that calls to me.
Me sitting scared and worried that I wouldn't see them again, miss out on their lives again like I had once before but if I could just capture them all I could take them with me...
Nova and Amy A, Gabi, Hollie, Ryan and Sarah, Morgan, Pete, Nick, Foulkes and  Zach
I couldn't tell them what they meant to me. So I smiled a lot and took their pictures and ignored what was to come.
I didn't sleep much in my 4 days of vacation before my trip. I slept the entire way to India.
A few days later we celebrated 2006.

Starting to feel really worthless
without a friend or love to share it with.
Why is it no one can hear without defense or jealousy?
Just a moment to meet as equals without scorn or hardheartedness.

Hmmm finishing up the first Game of Thrones book... I am amazed how easily the writer kills off main characters.  I imagine I will start the second one tonight. 

Other thoughts on this Sunday night...
Why am I so obsessed?

Do I want to drink some coke right now? Do I want McDonalds?

When am I moving out?

How can I be excited about new things?

A Risky Game (You Can Do It!)

Jared and Sociologist Sarah

Jenna before she was possessed

Jenna possessed (and/or just really hot)

Had a really good time with some cats last night. Quick and easy, not a whole lot of trouble or worries, and met some nice folks.  It was a bit hot at Mabbot's and the likelihood of me moving into that building dropped dramatically -but it would be nice to be in a building full of people you know. 

The best part was the few on the fly songs -which I got on video but they won't upload. 

Nice to see some old friends again. 

3 thoughts for the day

Hello Mike

Here is a part of your daily horoscope for the Sat, 16 Jul 2011 :

Your morale of the day

You could be worried about small things but instead you had better stop trying to solve things that are not that important. For now forget those trivial concerns. It is important to do so to remain in good spirits. That kind of thoughts would wear you out.

Fate or God or Life or whatever you want to call it,

will give you the experiences

its your job to make them positive.  

"If someone calls you and wakes you up to ask for help, you get out of bed."  

~my Dad

***************************************************************************

I just spend the last three hours pulling a friend of the family's pictures from soaked albums, trying to salvage them before they are stuck, colorless and warped.  Flooding is one of those things that reminds you that you have too much stuff, and also that the bottom of the bookshelf in the basement is the worst place for pictures.

Its the first night of my break, meaning I got off work at like 2:00 today and chilled with my coworkers for a bit before we ran away still planning-shouting things from car to car.

I came home, I checked my email and fell asleep. I woke up to Lacey texting that tonight wouldn't work, something I had assumed at that point, but my mind worries because of the nightmare I had last night.

Its the first night of my break and I can already feel my self confidence disintegrating.

I have tasks to complete but they seem small when faced with the vast amount of space in my calendar. Things already don't have the same happy edge.

As is often the case, my mind races to these moments of drama, the self created all in your head no one else is paying attention kind of drama. My eyes seek texas plates and there is something about being denied that drives me crazy. Makes me angry, bitter, self conscious and a little too contemplative, but I don't even know what I am looking for, these day dreams are not helpful, they promise a kind of edgy excitement that doesn't last, except in my misguided head... and flip a coin whether I want a call or not. But I can't keep my mind from wandering to that direction. That's the kind of unhealthy shit that keeps me in my head and not in relationships.

So what about excitement? Well, I could go to the progressive dinner tomorrow, perchance to have a decent time (probably not) and on the flip coin chance that a crush is there.

I could go on a road trip, but I don't know where to, and who is available (probably not anyone).

Tasks,

I got the possibility of some interviews next week with americorps cats we'd need to mold to do some bullshit. I got some email conversations to decide who and how we will make a math teacher out of our prospects. I got the idea of organizing and cleaning the treehouse (one of the offices at work) my folders and books all out of order... will be again by a month into next year. I got the desire to redesign or give some context to Men's class, often neglected till the last minute, could use a partner to do so. School officially starts back up the 22, which is what 5 weeks?

I got leadership training from the 24-30th or something. I am somewhat excited and somewhat unsure why I am doing this now.

and that's really it... I guess. Lots of space... I know I wanna read a lot, and it'd be nice to get confident with some art again, or do some writing. I spose I could try to learn a language or get in shape. I could play some music, record a poem or perform somewhere. I could play some comp games, organize some settlers, or pick up a new hobby.

I could go get some coffee right now or see if the smoothie place is still open.

Listening to a lot of these guys since the show the other night. Very upbeat, makes me wish I was creative.

Toussaint Morrison   and Lazlo Supreme   
they used to be known as The Blend

Toussaint has always been good about getting the products out, they were offering free demos at the show. Its mostly him and some really nice beats, where as the stuff on their myspace is clearly more of the band playing (as was the show).

They have some nice videos too

Hi Missouri?  how you doin?

like I wanted to spill that watercolor on the page and create rainbows that transformed and surrounded the homeless guy sitting in the corner, two days in a row I've seen him and its a stretch to assume hes without a home, but hes been wearing the same clothes and a cup of joe without anything to do sitting sadly with those soft eyes, reminds me of the time I met a man afraid of being taken back by Americans

like I want to sing about the stresses, self pitied attempts to erase the ego and the girl I been chasing, a little less stalking a little less sadness and in a week or two I'll probably ditch it for some madness, perfectly aware that its a trap of my creation, self deluded attempts of dreaming heaven's my earthly station, ignoring the reality, you gotta work for what you want, and in my own defense i've never worked for what I got

like I wanted to hug and hold, it's not enough to have her want you make her jealous with the cold shoulder move on to the next and maybe flaunt too, sadistic, because it hurts them, masochistic cuz it reverts then, back to where it started all alone and undiscovered, this is the type of shit I bring right back to my mother

like prayers to Shiva to bring down all the walls, make me recognize what is real and ditch all the unnecessary cause, like prayers to Buddha to realize that all living is pain and not be less than satisfied believing I am  not the same, like prayers to Allah, submission to his will, and in my devoted self find a way to ego kill, like praise to God, for getting me through the mess because all enemies are vanquished and so far I've survived the tests, and thank the universe, I'd like to go with the flow a Taoist at my center if I could listen to what my heart knows

like I could chance the fates and gamble on a random smiling flowing hair, but instead I shoulder each weight the seen and ones that aren't there, and mostly I settle, realize, that I've got to tone it down, before the cops and docs arrive to take me to the loony town, prison is where my namesake found his higher calling, and a book is where I'm off to escape before I'm on my knees and crawling right back to where dirty excitements found but not true satisfaction, when you're in black please judge me by the motives bound to my full spectrum of action and inaction

Astronautalis show at the Guthrie

Kt and her homies

Morgan, Illy and Julien

Your Minneapolis as the sun sets

Mike's Neck and Illy

Morgan in the shadows

conversations come together in my head

One of the reasons I often go to sleep with hypnosis videos is because if I don't I think too much.

Hypothetical in my head.
Person A says to Person B, why wouldn't you date me?
Person B says because it would hurt Person C,
Person A says, you would keep yourself from being happy because you didn't want to hurt them?
Person B replies, how could I be happy hurting them?

But that's not exactly true is it... because its the remorse that kills the feeling.The remorse that comes later.

When was the last time you did something THAT BAD?

10 years ago...  

That's a long time to still be worried about it.

I worry about it every day.

Doesn't everyone do bad things at some point?  Whats the difference? Why do you deserve to feel so bad about it? 

Do you think I have a choice?

  

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a member of SoT who is sort of acting as a sponsor for me -for leadership training.  I am going to a leadership workshop at the end of July, and at the workshop you discuss issues of Power, What it is, why you need it, what you will do with it, why you deserve it. 

As part of the prep, its important to start thinking about this, and thinking about the excuses we use to not step up.   So I was having some back and forth with the guy, who at this point knows some of my central issues surrounding it all. It felt very much like a counseling session with my mom, only she was there for most of my childhood hurt. Anyway, we were talking about my self consciousness around hurting people, or worrying about hurting people, worrying about hurt people, worrying about accidentally misusing power, or misusing power on purpose.  I am very cynical about power. I fear it in many cases, though I have always been willing to play back up roles, advisory roles, nurturing roles...   

Anyway, I used an example that my Mother and I have talked about of a time when someone I cared about misused their power...

My Dad and I were supposed to go to the renaissance fair (my favorite event of the year) it was our last opportunity of the season, we had a date and time picked out. I was ready, I was waiting in the basement of the apartment near Aquila. He didn't show. Hours later, he called and said we couldn't go. He stopped by later to apologize in person but the damage had already been done.... my mom describes me curled up and inconsolable. She says its what I look like when I am hurt now.
"Where were you?"   was a question that came out of my mouth far too often as a child during this time period. More than that it replayed in my head on loop, along with more awful things.  The only answer that made sense and felt like a kick to the stomach every time was that he was with his girlfriend (now my step mother).
My Dad had an affair that ended up ripping apart my family, despite best intentions there was something there that struck me as the worst thing you could do... The worst thing you could do was allow your personal gain, personal excitement, personal lust to impede, to distract, to hurt, to destroy another person... and he did it to all of us.Over and over again.   I'm sure it wasn't lust all the time, his own emotional humanity, guilt and needs... but it all became more important than us, like a stab to the heart every time.
I was a really strong boy. I took all sorts of abuse from bullies and my brothers, and my friends, my cousins, my neighbors... I just took it all, sometimes trying to fight back, sometimes trying to find some way to appease them. Sometimes trying to fit in, sometimes trying to stand out and pretend it didn't hurt.

I was so strong, and so broken.

None of that ever seemed to compare to the neglect and abandonment that I felt (if only in feeling) from my Dad.Yet I always wanted to prove that I could make it through, that I could compromise because that's what good people do. They see the other person and allow for mistakes, and work with them to make it better right?
My counselor once asked me why I went to their wedding... as if I had a choice... Your brothers didn't go he said trying to make it seem like an option, and I thought yeah they didn't go which meant I had to, duh.
And I wrote a poem a month later about what that felt like, about how it felt like my execution, like it meant like the final sacrifice of who I was, for his happiness... and he made it. And I chose to be there because I thought it was important to not put your own selfish desires ahead of the people you care about. I was still a kid, and I felt like I had to show my family how to support each other. How you don't abandon, you don't hate, you make every effort to forgive, and even more than that  you don't hurt them more... even if they hurt you. I didn't want to my hurt my dad by not showing up for something he cared about, because I loved him, even if he killed me.

I was too strong, or maybe too broken already.

Its hard, because I feel like I have forgiven him for his misdeeds. But I don't know that I can ever unlearn that lesson, You don't put your selfish desires before the people you care about... and thus, I don't know that I can ever forgive myself for all the times I have let my lust, my desires, my selfishness, my anger hurt others.

How can I have children if I am so afraid to hurt them and so sure that I will?
How can I be a leader if I am so afraid I will misuse that power, and so sure that I will?
How can I be a boyfriend? a husband? sometimes I wonder how I manage to teach...

I am so afraid of myself, and so sure that I am not good, because my standard of "good" is so impossible.

But I don't know how to change that standard, because it would mean changing the meaning of those experiences... it would mean, trusting myself enough to have the ability to commit misdeeds.

My mom talks about how we have to grow up, let go of our child's way of seeing thing, especially the hard things.

I just don't know how to make any other sense of that pain, even now I still feel my stomach caving in.

and having a giant hole in you, makes you so glad, so grateful that people even bother to put up with you. It makes you so willing to strive for good things, it makes you put in every effort, it makes you want the best for everyone, it makes you stay awake at night having conversations with them and praying for them... it makes the world seem like a gift...  even if you don't feel like you deserve it.

Things were not assured until I held her.
Then all of a sudden a rush of confidence, that felt like the world uniting, all in her touch.
I don't remember being afraid anymore, each thought, memory, relationship was all the more reason to love her.
I wanted to explore them with her. For as long as I had her, I had enough. I had won.
We started watching the tv screen, me wrapped around her. Each video was of the life I had missed before our unification. She explained the circumstances, the feelings, the loss, the joy and I felt them through her.
Suddenly as often is the case the dream moved forward in time, and we were no longer alone. These friends of hers, once distant now became a mass of chaos around us.
Our place suddenly overwhelmed with a loud and raging party, spilled beer, bumping and laughter. I was distracted  but just wanted to keep contact with her. If I kept contact things would be alright, that was my only thought.
Then suddenly the party grew again, her friends were offering my students drinks, and I felt powerless to stop them, just hold on, but she needed to attend to her friends, to the party, to keep them from destroying everything, to keep them happy. She got up and my loneliness returned, my insecurity my worries.  She returned again, excitement, joy, she left, ugliness, returned heaven, left despair, and it went on this way, each time she returned it was for less and less time. 

Till suddenly surrounded by others I was alone again.

Here is a part of your daily horoscope for the Tue, 5 Jul 2011 :

Your chances of the day

You wonder why you are not meeting anyone interesting right now. You will have the good luck to meet somebody you have not seen in a long time. You will become friends if you make the first move.

Who is this stranger and what kind of dance moves do I need to practice? 

My work blog gets hella action.  Like 150 times as much as these sites.
I am bored...
I have been reading A Game of Thrones which is fun.
I have no real plan for tomorrow, but I am not worried.
No real plan for tonight, but if nothing happens then at least I have more time to read and work am I right?

Too many Swedish Fish

Went and saw the Green Lantern tonight,  um  entertaining... but I guess a little more cheesy than I was expecting... but maybe that is just the actual story (I never got into DC comics).

Spent some time updating the travel Blog, almost through the York Trip.  I still haven't written anything about last summer.  So much to do...

Today was a pretty good day. Jared and some americorps cats had my students make a raised bed for our sister preschool... hopefully get some soil and plant it next week. Other "Project Friday" projects included some artistic chairs and paintings, some good old fashioned reading, bike maintenance and a jam session for anyone who wanted in. I played tambourine for a minute in-between grading.
Speaking of grading we have about a third of our students who are not putting in any effort. In the first two weeks they have less than half the hours they could earn. We even have several cases of students who have 2-3 days worth of credit for the full 2 weeks. Students must make half their credit hours to return in the fall, unfortunately what this will mean is that we have a really small starting class again... we are being punished for last years low numbers with a tight budget this year. So yea!


I don't really have plans for the long weekend... I spose I could start reading for fun, or play some comp games... or prepare for next week, or do some writing, or leave town, or stay up late listening to other people's fireworks.

I am totally in a pity mood again... so silly.
wow someone is totally speaking my language on craigslist... I have never seen that before.