Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Part 1
Well what to write about?

I been seeing friends lately, the music is playing beautifully lately, quite often I have been stopped in my tracks by a song or two. Most recently I believe it was Beirut at Pizza Luce… something about those horns… (so now I am listening to it again). A few days ago at Ben O’s apartment it was Atmosphere and Ben Folds, what about the music in my car from Victoria Astronautalis, or Joanna Newsom at Laurel and Huck and Jared’s (and again in my home), or that fleet foxes cover song those british girls did on youtube… oh the music is quite clear and beautiful.

I like the snow lit streets, I have always loved that orange glow and the way the sky lights up and makes me feel not alone in the dead of cold cold winter. It snowed again tonight and it seems sometimes that it will just go on this way forever.

There are plans for sledding, and movies and hot chocolate, and lunch dates and probably dinner dates and games… I lost really bad today in Settlers, I never really gave myself a chance thinking more about possibilities for adventure than realistic strategy… I think sometimes I get excited and don’t use my brain. I won one game of darts out of 4 and was happy to lose to Lacey though I didn’t let her win, I just like to see her smile. We bowled and I did aight during one game and not so hot another… but it was fun with the company and bowling should be fun.

So who have I seen so far?
Well… Jessica and Jess, Kelsey and Hollie, Zach and some others… Illy and Lacey, Laurel, Huck, Jared and Joey. Jenna and Christ(ina), Melissa and Alicia last week. My fam…
I guess I would say I am doing pretty good.
I talked to Pete today and he sounded good, happy, moving forward (which is a nice change).

Part 2
But what makes me really want to write?

The overwhelming feeling of love unrequited? The unwelcome sense of entitlement? The jealousy and insecurity inherent in anxious thoughts? The defensive protection, but for their sake or mine?

I was having a really nice time tonight when a familiar notion popped into my head. I remember first having this idea rather strongly with Gabi and Pete way back whenever that was… or maybe it was earlier… maybe it’s some childhood feeling I developed that transformed me into the oddity that I am. Anyway… I am sure it is not so rare to think this, I see it in movies sometimes… the friendship love that becomes threatened and suddenly feels like romantic love… but it isn’t really… it’s that sense that what you have with another person is special, that you know them, have invested in them, want more for them… and when you see that “threatened” it suddenly becomes too much and you want to claim them.
But having no right… you just act jealous.

But it’s not so special… no because I have felt this how many times before? And will undoubtedly feel it again… even when I have someone to love me… it’s just that love and infatuation are not so easily reconciled, it’s just that love is not so easily confined to single spaces… sometimes it grows in the moment and in those moments it’s not always easy to know whether it will shrink or grow some more... The expansion of the heart can be a lonely process…

Tonight I felt so loving and lonely.

Easy to start to believe you are the only one going through it, even if their smiles and eyes and reassurances tell you otherwise.

Part 3
In other ways though I find myself shrinking away… it’s easy to see that the work required for the maintenance of such giving two way exchanges is no longer something I am as open to. I mean, how many of these people I have at one point in my life or two points or many points been overwhelmed with. How many times I felt heart break for each of them, longed for them, comforted them, was comforted by them, though each relationship distinct…

but why is it that I suddenly see them on a break, in the past I am pretty sure I would have braked for them. I would have changed course for them. No? Or maybe I wouldn’t, but I would have spent the nights and days obsessed with the idea of it. Even the ones who don’t know it… how radiant they seemed to me… and now? Is the charm gone? Am I spent on my giving, are my magic eyes warn out?

I still see glimpses, just as I still hear music.

Its small jokes, its small glimmers, it’s small gestures, its space between words, reassuring words and hushed secrets.

Perhaps in order to be a better teacher I had to let go of those who carried me here? Or perhaps I am always traveling on with the specters of love my passengers, stuffed in my suitcase, spilling out, spilling out of the ideas I share and the smiles I smile.
Perhaps I am just in need of refreshing, a new spring or a night adventure, a trip abroad or a lover.

Maybe in my dreams tonight…

Which is what it felt like tonight, like dreams are the only place it feels in reach.