I don't like my body/mind or whatever this is.
I got 2.5 hours of interrupted sleep last night. I woke up at 3:40 and couldn't get back to sleep. I made it through the day without becoming totally sick, but then when I try to take a nap I get woken up after an hour and don't feel well rested at all.
All day long I felt like I got kicked in the stomach about every 25 minutes.
I went to the bathroom something like 15 times.
I had a really hard time paying attention to work, so I kept trying to get into a zone, but every time I completed a task or had free time, kick to the stomach.
This has been happening every time someone is mad at me or I am nervous about a relationship for the past few years (sometimes I think always).
Sometimes I feel like solving problems as soon as possible is more a matter of life and death than it should be. I don't like feeling like death.
I need to learn how to live without this over sensitivity I have developed to my fears and conscience.

I feel like without my conscious approval my mind is sabotaging my life.
Its not like there is anything so significant going on that I could really fuck it all up... but I feel like somehow I am not even trying to make things good... or at least I must be coming off that way. I thought I was just being more real.

My brother is actually stressed about his job, his life, his future... listening to him I realized that so much of it is completely out of his hands... I feel like my entire life is in my hands right now, and I guess I am just not doing a very good job at it.

It made me want to help him and yet, I know that's not where my passions are. I know that is not going to make me feel good, it will only add more stress to my life. I also know that I could contribute very little... but that's all he is really asking for.

It occurs to me though how little anything actually matters. I don't mean in the depressing "life sucks" way. I mean in the... what does it really matter if I don't teach my BEST class. What does it really matter if I don't have EVERYTHING READY on day one of work. Does it matter if I have the best trip, or worst trip, or somewhere in-between... and if something is upsetting is it really the end of the world?

Now I just need to convince my mind to let go of it... 2 hours is enough thinking brain. Let it go.

When sedentary for so long it sometimes feels as if I have never done anything. Like I am the dirt, my planted roots take the form of the house and it feels like I could never leave, like I have always been. She says this house is 80 years old, its my cranky knees but it'd be so easy to set me adrift tornado, strong wind blow me over, I could be anew. I am the walls, I am this city, I am this job I am secure and unchanging. Revolutionary ideas are surprises, taste of excitement like good poetry, make you feel alive the way you aint been. Am I so symbiotic, I didn't notice becoming part of you, didn't feel you infiltrate me, I thought I had my own long hair, my own wild tongue, my own joyful smile, meanwhile I find you chipping away at my teeth, the fibers of my pants, my many faces all with eyes that reflect you. I forgot my song, started humming a plain one. I thought I was a new born, now find I am ancient or at least middle age. I turned to look over my shoulder and saw what I had been, an adventurer where did he go. I thought I had engineered a new path, find me now a paved one. I been paved on, oil slicken easy, rain slides right off me, aint soaked with passionate sorrow just stained in the meanwhile. Where is refreshing fragrance, where is impassioned discourse, zealous beauty chasing, falling into the plain modelesque notions of pretty, forgetting uproarious laughter, forgetting cosmopolitan color, forgetting statued staring at passing people, forgetting uncomfortable scary, forgetting panic punches to the gut and esteem, the confidence building of day surviving, the chasing of simplicity, the grandiose proclamations of understanding fully and simultaneously knowing fully that nothing can be known so simply. I forgot about dressing scandalously, supported in my ferocity and the casualness -laid back style of being brilliant, brilliantly not normal. Gleam in the eye special. Gleam in the eye everyone. How have I been so detached from my humanity. So blessed and appreciated into comfort, couch pillows, blankets. Not a bum's bindle, not a gifted hat, not a crocheted scarf, an entirely different fidgeting stomach, not tenacious, not disgusted, not angry or in love. Easy to see something is different, the question is how long will I swill it?

Always the same (6 or so topics)

I feel very dull... and I am not entirely sure I am uncomfortable with it. I guess I feel less and less like I have to impress people or maybe just less excited to try.
This isn't at all accurate... but I can't figure out what is really going on so I am going to lie about it to you.

Inbetween homework

A) Now that Morgan made me aware that Kilgore has been peeing on things everything smells like piss. '

B) My children are going to think I was really conceited. I fucking love taking/manipulating pictures of myself.

C) Alash is awesome!

D) I am about to buy tickets... fuck it. (I guess I am going to Mexico -purchased)
-I am scared I am not giving myself enough time... I literally finish work -have one day off, then leave. I work the day after I get back. I will have to give myself some relaxation time on the trip.

E) I was thinking about this earlier...
its really hard for me to stop being appreciative when I am in that kind of mood... or when I get in the habit of being that way around someone. I am not sure if it is habit or a reluctance to give up the positive feelings that come with it... but its hard when that mood gets me into trouble or makes me too vulnerable.

F) I hate how upset my stomach gets when I make big decisions... it started turning during the ticket buying process and hasn't stopped.

Making these is really addictive

Trip Update

Slight alterations:
Spots I would really like to hit:
Fly into Cancun, Chichen Itza, Tulum,
then down to Chetumal (Maya Museum) (total in Mexican Yucatan 3-4 days)
Then into Belize (no idea 2-3 days)
Then to Tikal, Guatemala
Guatemala City, Antigua (Guatemala for 5 days total)
Then to San Cristobal de las Casas, (1 day?)
Oaxaca, Mitla, Monte Alaban (2-3 days?)
Then to Cuernavaca (2-3 days)
Mexico City, Teotihuacan, Tlaxcala? (4-5 days)
Pelenque (1-2 days)
Get back to Cancun -fly out (add 3 days for travel and sickness?)
roughly 29 days... I am planning for roughly 31-32 so a few random stops along the way and we have a fucking plan.

I just reread that horoscope. The last line is what I would like to focus on.
On the car ride home from the coffee shop where I tried to be productive but kept getting distracted, I was thinking about how I wish I could hold on to righteous frustration, anger, or simply justification.
I was writing poems in my head about my inability to take time for myself, or feel reasonable in self protection, or feel sane in attempting to bring up my boundaries.
I can't because any attempts to do so, hurts others (unintentionally) and this hurts me.

But I feel lost in these often times wonderfully intimate friendships. Where am I when not with you? and more so I find that its hard to move forward in any kind of way when I allow myself to get caught up in the much easier (often times more rewarding, comforting) bonds of friendship.
But I am not going to have my needs met by these friendships, and all jokes and flirting aside... we are all well aware that its not going to happen.

I don't mean to say these friendships don't mean the world to me, I mean exactly that... when friendships mean the world to me, how am I supposed to find something more?
I look in my dreams, asleep or in fantasies to seek the universe, and wake up unfulfilled, and continue on with my day trying to make the happiness of my friendships comfort me in ways they can't.
Its not fair to me or them.
It means someone gets hurt when the other gets busy, has a new relationship, or has other obligations. Emotional intimacy with uninvited strings attached, that jump out when you least expect them, find yourself suddenly doused in self-consciousness because someone is having an off-day, or makes a silly comment -like a slap in the face (all very much unintended).

But even at the coffee shop, I want someone to talk to, to plan with, to argue with, to discuss with.
I can't do anything myself sometimes. Its not fulfilling, and it bothers me because I am about to take a month long vacation by myself and I know that I am going to get there... be in awe, and want to share it with someone (but no one will be there).

I don't want to give up any of these friendships... in fact I want them to grow stronger, I want more of them, I want to have time for them, but I also want to have a partner who understands me, a family someday, but I spend all my free time dating women who don't like me like that, and despite their claims (sometimes) probably never will.

This whole post feels like a betrayal, it feels mean and petty, cruel, blasphemy.

Who am I to say this? Who am I without you?

I am alone, unloved, hurt, broken, weak, savage, angry... but when I cover myself up with the best parts of you... I am still these things underneath.
I need to find another way to heal.

	Hurtful argument You're now easily offended. This is because something will now remind you of an old wound that hasn't healed	**
	During this time you should be careful and keep a tight rein on yourself - especially if you are anyway of a spirited disposition. If you are after some kind of "conquest", it is quite possible that under this influence you ignore warning signs and advance too directly and abruptly. There is also the danger, at the moment, that you sense competition or opposition where there is none. If you are too sensitive and quick-tempered, take every criticism personally and react in an offended manner, then around every corner is an enemy, and every conversation can turn into an argument in which you finally - without reason and probably without conscious intent - hurt others and are presumably yourself hurt to the same extent.
	The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Mars Square Chiron, , exact at 04:24 activity period from 1 June 2010 to 5 June 2010 I am amazed at how accurate this is.

I like to abandon my friends when I am stressed or self conscious, I am not sure if it is because I am too worried about being a burden or because I don't want them to burden me. Movies are ok though.