Sometimes We Arent Aware

A friend called me out on something today, a behavior I didn't know I was doing, and furthermore didn't think was all that uncommon or inappropriate... actually I explained it as being one of those things I thought people just needed to learn to accept about me, a quirk.

Maybe you have noticed? Sometimes its really hard to make plans with me, especially concerning food... or maybe I talk about plans concerning food for an extra amount of time? or go into too many details or ask questions when obviously no one cares... like "should I do this, or this?"

I tried to explain to my friend, who told me that they were bringing it up not only because it was annoying but also a bit of concern... that I get anxious and uncomfortable making plans for food... I am unsure.

After a whole long conversation about the roots of issues, eating disorders, other traumatic experiences concerning people talking to me about food issues, I am not sure my friend was happy that they brought it up...

but I guess I hadn't really realized that it was a problem. Then when I left the place we were meeting at, I found myself in the same position that I had been in when I was talking to the person and that had sparked this conversation...

I hadn't eaten since this morning, I was clearly very hungry, but I needed to psych myself up to go eat something "enjoyable." I needed to find some way to justify it to myself, or needed someone else to tell me that I was making a good choice or something....

I am often taken aback (and make note of it to the people) when I see someone easily enjoy food.
I have gotten in arguments and conversations about this with people for years...
I even have sworn a thousand times that I do not like food, in fact I hate it... but the truth is, sometimes I enjoy food... it just takes a lot of mental effort to get me to do it (the exception seems to be when I am with people I enjoy, but I also don't always get hungry when I am full in other ways).

So I was walking to my car, psyching myself up to go eat. Trying to think what would be enjoyable and worth the effort... because today, and most days... I tend to wait until I get to that point before I eat... otherwise its not worth the effort and sadly when I was confronted on this issue ( this compulsion or obsession), I quickly realized it wasn't that the food wasn't worth the effort, It was that I wasn't.

How easily we blame others, inanimate objects, the nourishment itself, cuz its easier than admitting how terrible it feels to not care about yourself, to think you don't deserve it.

(I usually don't consciously think this way, is what I am saying, but I have found ways to work up the effort to do what I need to do- and this can be annoying to other people)



-similarly when I left the restaurant I couldn't concentrate on anything until I washed my hands (this one also comes up when I am stressed) but I realized I was saying out loud to myself in a car "thank god" when I found a wet wipe.... and thats pretty sad. A ridiculous sense of relief over something logically I know is dumb.