Tonight I saw a movie called American Teen. I liked it a lot, but it really was just a glorified episode of MTV’s true life (or whatever that show is called). It reminded me of how beautiful people are, in their struggles, in their joys and just plain living. I love documentaries. I love the way they make a story, out of life, wrapped up nice and neat so you don’t necessarily have to do any more reflecting, but they invite you to. They invite you to laugh and cry, and squirm with embarrassment or guilt over your own life.
At the same time I am awed/annoyed with how easily we are all caricatures of real people. Both the way we are depicted and the way we become these things. I see myself in all the people, I see myself in all the scenes. Because I have played that role, said those things, meant it. Made the same human mistakes, made them- assured of myself or looking for reassurance.
Chasing dreams, ours or of those who surround us.
I was surprised how reflective the teens were, about these situations that drove them ---even when it seemed to be driving them in a direction they didn’t like. Like watching yourself do something destructive, knowing you have the ability to change it, but doing it anyway because you’re going to.
It made me appreciate what I am, though I relate far too much to what those teens were going through. It made me appreciate them. It made me wonder what my students would think.
I have been really critical of movies that depict teens in the past. I thought they over simplified them, made them seem too ignorant, too lost. Not that teens aren’t sometimes ignorant or lost. Or depicted them as adults within a school setting. I certainly have students who haven’t been asked to reflect on who they are, and thus they have a hard time putting up a story about themselves. I also have had some students who would stop mid sentence to correct or better reflect on what they were saying. Or reflect on what they assumed I was asking of them, or on a point another student would bring up. These students weren’t lost they were learning, creating and growing as much as any 20-60 year old I have met
and on another note.
Me and Julene are having this very intense conversation.
It seems so simple, so shallow, I am sure I had it when I was 12 and I am sure I will have it again at 65 (If I make it that far).
"I think it is something I have felt since I was born... I know I have a lot of friends, but I don't know how to depend on them... so it feels like I have very few”
“I'm trying to figure out a way to say this... I think i only feel really comfortable around people if they are able to show their feelings... or let me know whats going on in their life... otherwise I dont feel like I can share with them.”
Lately I have been really struggling to find connections with people. I want to meet new people but I am pretty self conscious and anxiety ridden so it is far easier to justify a hundred reasons why I shouldn't say anything rather than make the effort. And with those I know, I was overjoyed when Elizabeth flew into all the actual things going on in her life, because thats what I expect from a friend. Illy does the same virtually every time I see her and thus she is my best friend. Jessica this summer has been so comforting because I actually do want someone to call me at 2 AM because they need someone to complain to, that makes me feel like I am needed in this world. That makes me feel like someone can count on me. laurel I love to hear about your life, you have wonderful opinions and a great amount of creativity to share.
I guess selfishly, I just want more. I want more people who understand what I am going through, who are interested, and maybe are on a similar path.
I feel like at some point I started deviating from many of my friends... and I am not sure we are on the path to come back together... and I'm not sure that they or I am willing. And that makes me feel really guilty. Really selfish. Really asshole-ish. But its especially hard to feel all that when I am not quite confident in who I am or where I am going, because with the burden of guilt, the blocking of anxiety and the confusion of not knowing which way is forward... I seem to spend a lot of time sitting in front of this computer complaining.
I feel confident in the classroom, thats why it has seemed so nice to me this summer.
And I complain about all of this, while having at least 267 friends on facebook, a great family, financial wealth stability, an incredible job, security, a future, reasonable health, freedom, some talents and abilities, great experiences, etc etc etc
In short: I am a douche bag and life is still beautiful.
4 comments:
im on the path mikey, im on the path.
why are you always putting yourself down? Nobody else thinks of you the way you think of yourself, and remember, if you believe it (it being "I'm a _____") for too long, you really will be. And then people will say "oh that's too bad, Mike really was such a nice guy..."
I think it is perfectly reasonable to feel the way that you are feeling right now, because you are in a situation where you are moving to new places, finding out who you are, etc. There is a natural separation from people and things that have been important in the past. It's scary, no fooling, but it's necessary, and you do emerge from the other side of it eventually. Luckily many of the friends you do have understand, and are going through the same thing (that is the way it seems to me at least). None of us quite understand ourselves or each other right now.
Just don't be afraid to ask for and seek out what you need. And don't invalidate your own feelings. It's ok to always want more...both of us are cursed (blessed?) with that.
That said, I can't really express how glad I am to have you as part of my life. You pretty much always understand what I am talking about, and if you don't, then you always have some other interesting observation or angle to present to me. Which makes my life more interesting. I'm excited to spend more time with you soon and I'm excited to be a part of your life no matter how small or bizarre.
Much love,
Laurel
check the facebooks... there is one picture of me tagged, all dressed up.
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