What do I want to say right now?
These songs just reminded me of Nikki.
When Nikki and I broke up so long ago I made a number of mistakes. I jabbed with truth, but it stung her like wrath and unjustified revenge. It was all online, it was passionate and awful.
But she got me into this cd. Counting Crows, all my lady friends have introduced me to good music. I remember being so young and surprisingly innocent even though I felt guiltier then -than I do now for my past. I've had time to make up for things, including the way I struck out at her.
Each memory and bit of knowledge was a curse and a sign to me of impending doom, and my caring (to me) meant protecting her from herself. And even more, protecting all of them from her. What a curse it was to me to know that someone I had trusted would take all that support and use it to cripple another. I'd seen it in others, in friends, in acquaintances. It was around that same time that I was neglecting my duties with pete, and when I confronted I confronted without confidence, but all the same I knew it was right.
I say this shit because there are times when I say something, and it may be wrong, but if it comes from a place of concern and caring... is it wrong?
Some of them admit that I wasn't out of line later. Most of em end up rejecting me. Its sort of funny in the really not funny at all category... how self assure we are when we head into our mistakes (all of us). Some of us just assume we will make them, so we try to warn others. Some of us don't believe we even have that power, so we are taken aback when someone says something.
but those are the people we can trust right? The ones who say something.
A few years ago my mom told me about someone she knew, their son had gone out drinking, his first time, he was underage. He wasn't even drunk; he hit a car and killed a family. He wanted badly to do whatever he could to make up for it. But he couldn't, ever.
Several of my friends are drug/alcohol addicts. I tend to be supportive of them, even when they are clearly hurting themselves, even though its against my rules (rule number one says dont hurt yourself, rule number two says dont hurt others... rule number two seems to be more important). I do say things sometimes... they know how I feel, so they avoid me when they want to act this way. That’s not the way I want it. I tell them I can drive them, I can stay sober if they want to be silly. But the moment they start seeing themselves and their fun as more important than the lives of others, they cross a line to me. It’s the same line, only a bit more dangerous and irresponsible as the other rule... the you don't hurt others rule. I been in that situation before, where I thought, yeah I could drive, it might even be fun.
I wish I could say that I was bold and strong enough to cut myself off from people with this type of behavior. But I know we all make mistakes... still if you look at who I trust, who I'm close to, it’s not those who risk others lives. It’s even hard for me to trust them when they have clearly changed, not so much to trust that they have changed, but to trust that they are not capable of doing the same or a different thing again, it’s nearly impossible.
Don’t make unhealthy behavior a habit. It makes you unreliable.
And of course keep me honest to this.
No comments:
Post a Comment