fiddle sticks and love?

Talked to mel on the phone. She seems alright, but we were talking about being single. I think both of us sort of rely on the it will come to us method... and in moments of doubt... well.
But I was watching Angelina Jolie movies and thinking about how hard it would be to love someone who acts for a living, because maybe the line wouldn't always be clear, of when they were performing and when they were real. As if there are such things.
I'm worried that my school wont offer enough mental challenge. At the same time, its probably the best fit I will ever find for me (at this point in life) and I really actually do hope they keep me on. Everyday I want to beg for it... but thats not professional.
I also want to move to the area because that seems like the place to be.
I also want to be closer to certain friends I have been losing touch with.
It's weird, Becky being away and having people over all the time and friends and stuff makes me realize I have neglected my other friends. At the same time I miss her even though she has been around, just different.

When I was in europe the second time... I was dating Alexis, but she was sort of seeing another guy. They were really just good friends, with crushes, as far as I knew... and I wasn't really jealous, or rather I was comfortably jealous... because I appreciated him and what they had...
and could see that it was good for her. When I returned she made a sort of joke about how she had kind of been dating someone... it stung a little, but I know I have had becky in that role for a long time now. Someone who you care about, who cares about you... it doesn't have to be a "real relationship" because there is love there.. There doesn't have to be physical intimacy, because you are content to have someone who knows you... and they can fill your days, and be your confidant, and a fellow adventurer and it doesn't have to be anymore than that... but it keeps you from looking for those things elsewhere. In Lex's case (with her friend) it seemed to have kept her loyal to me when she probably shouldn't have been. In my with case with becky it kept me on solid ground when I needed to assert myself in that relationship... but in lex's eyes kept us from going forward.
Recently Becky and my relationship has allowed me to be content and not search... but now she has someone, and she has a group of friends, and foreign travelers who come and go but add something to her life. And I should use this opportunity to find others.

Love is very tricky. I was telling mel that in all my relationships I was never really sure at all about anything. I moved forward because I liked the people and believed in them, and thought that because of that... we would work. But just because you care about someone doesn't mean they are right for you... and we call these "mistakes" but we don't regret them. We love them though they torment us. And the slightest bit of attention from them even today makes my heart jump and my smile show.

So we were complaining about how we don't know how to pursue. You can go places and join dating networks... but you don't believe that is for you. You put yourself out there now and then, but you don't make moves.

I tend to become friends with women, but in those first few days, weeks, months, I think about the possibility... until something happens and I realize that we would make much better friends. Leaving me with 10 or so new friendships a year (not that any of them were interested in more necessarily, but once the idea is gone its gone *for me).

I feel bad complaining, but in some sense I hope others who are single or in a relationship and know about these thoughts, fears, hopes, frustration... relate rather than judge.
Other friends have mentioned it a lot lately... its comforting to know we aren't alone... but because we are all in different arenas its hard to help each other out.

I often think its funny when people suggest that I should meet someone... because usually that sort of thing doesn't work very well... maybe when I'm 30. Speaking of which, a student remarked today that I looked 30... we agreed it was the facial hair... but if you look at those pictures I put up a few days ago.. its very obvious how much i have changed (at least to me).
But mostly I covet my former body. (which is funny, because I hated it at the time, like I hate mine now *sometimes)
but like Tim Minchin remarks in his song "Not Perfect" "this is my body and I live in it... the weirdest thing about it is, I spend so much time hating it, but it never says a bad word about me. This is my body and its fine... its not perfect, but its mine."


but back on topic. I also think its really strange how many different depictions of what "love" is, are in tv, movies etc... so many of the movies I watch depict the crazy dependency thing as romantic... when they say I can't live without you, when they say I have loved you since the day I first saw you... and its that sort of thing.... i simultaneously am grossed out by and also feel like I'm secretly waiting for (not consciously of course).

In other news: if you want dirty funny lyrics in comedic rap form from a teenage....
watch the following video: