Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I went to bed 6 hours ago, feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, depresses and self righteous. After an hour or so of struggling with my dreams they kicked my ass in to realizing thats not who or what I want to be. Some things arent about us, despite what we may feel. Im not sure if this dizzyness/fever is an effect of whatever demons I been fighting or the food I ate today or the impending flu or whatever. But I'm not gonna spend my life angry at people i care about for being human.


I talked briefly to my mom's brother today on the phone (LA). He has been in a severe state of drug dependency for probably 3 decades. He can't walk from what I know, sometimes he cant talk. About 10 or so years ago he got married and had a daughter, and every time I hear about him, I hope his wife and child will leave him. I cant imagine the pain he is causing them as everyday he chooses death and each day he lives through it.
I asked him how he'd been, and he said not too good. A few days ago my mom told me he had said that he probably wouldnt be around for christmas. But when I talked to him I couldnt say today is the day Chris, its not over yet, start over, because although I wanted to, I didnt have faith in him anymore. Why? I gave the phone to my mom after two minutes of conversation and wanted to cry. I told my little brother, how he sounded the same. Steve said he was probably on something.

My grampa has been fighting with one of his sons for about 15 years. They havent talked. It has kept them from important events in eachother's lives, and perhaps more, from the relationship between my grampa and his grandchildren. I dont know what changed, but my grampa is going to my cousins wedding in a few days... flying across the state of south dakota to see one of my more shady cousins, a shotgun wedding because his fiance is pregnant. A year ago he missed the happy celebration of another one of my cousins. I dont know what has changed, but there is a little hope there.

My grama died on Christmas Eve many years ago, but most of us had other things to do then sit around with my grampa yesterday. Obligations to ourselves and others, and my grampa mourns his lost wife while we celebrate.

I dont know why, but I often cry when I pray or take communion now. I guess the thought of being worth something means a lot. but most often I tell God I would rather he stand by the people I care about and shine some light in their lives than forgive me. or at least that in forgiveness I hope that maybe I can help direct that shining light back on them.

My dad and I talked for approximatly 4 hours each way... and of course I am a talker. We got home and steve was there and I said to him "well you get to listen to one of your talkative kids babble for 4 hours and now another one" Colleen assured me he enjoys it.
When you talk to my dad you have to practically yell sometimes, it means a lot of water to sooth the throat.

We went hiking on the way, both of us aching from inner wounds and I imagined that my dad was more proud of me than he had been before, because I could not only keep up -but lead on the trail. And I wondered why it mattered so much.

My mom and grant got steve a big poster of himself. It was really expensive, and counted as his "big gift" as the family caretaker and worrier i spent the rest of the night wondering if the seemingly annual frustration between Steve and my Mom was about to arise. They just dont seem to see eye to eye on things like presents. But steve assured everyone he loved the poster.

We watched North Country which is sort of a hard movie to watch, and then I read something that was a hard thing to read. but even before that -none of my presents were calling out to me. none of it seemed exciting, and my camera isnt working so i couldnt see the pictures from the last few days. I think i have become picture dependent. a lot of people hate them, and wish i would stop, but i think its sort of amazing each and every time.

My dad said something about me not being very material when we were shopping. I told him i spend more money than most people, but i think its true that once i get those things i save them and dont need more... I dont go looking to spend money very often. i dont get a thrill out of most shopping things... but i do buy a lot when i get on a roll....but hell i am certainly materialistic, right now im considering buying a video camera and a cell phone -i need new glasses, i need an oil change. i got 7 new cds a couple days ago (although a few are used).

Steve got me and james the same shirt, the same shirt he was wearing today. we looked silly... funny thing is-he was looking for the ugliest shirt he could find, and its totally my style. sort of kurt cobain-ish.

5 of my cousins are pregnant, i never really thought my grandparents would be around for my grandchildren, the hope seems a little far. but my gramps will be a great grandparent 6 times over by this time next year.

I learned my cousin works for Mary Kay, an organization Lex helped me understand a little bit more. But although Lex told me about the inspirational stuff they try to do, she didnt tell me about their very Christian stuff... or maybe its just my cousin. She was the validictorian and graduated college in three years... then started selling Mary Kay (something you dont need a degree for) so we were all a little skeptical, but apparently she is the third biggest director in the country now, lives in a huge house, has enough to send 5 kids to college or something... she gave a speech at their national convention and it sounded like a sermon. Its funny that I am all about living with God in daily life, but not mentioning the specifics of the religion. I imagined all the people in the crowd who were not religious, and how terrible that must have been.
If I had known I would have stopped to see her in Omaha with Lex, when we went to Texas, but I wasnt aware of these things, and I think the fundamentalist christian stuff comes off a bit strong. Still wouldnt have hurt to make the connection.
For the speech they did my cousins makeup and hair, and she looked really silly, but what was great as that within moments you sort of saw through it, she really still has some shine to her, a mother and business woman, a inspirational christian speaker, the makeup didnt do her justice but vibrance was still there.
I always tell Ashley Ericson my cousin looks like her, and the resemblance is still there.

I didnt get Julie anything, I guess I didnt realize i was supposed to, but then I told James that
I would buy them dinner somewhere, Actually I honestly didnt know who was coming to dinner, or what the schedule was. I didnt even get Grant his present on time, thinking that Alcohol was available in SD, not aware of the date or day of the week... they drop us from school with very few days to get things done.

Man i am listening to depressing music, I should go back to sleep, its 6:30 AM... i was feeling sick in bed, and feeling anxious to correct implications of earlier thoughts and statements.

Henry (a counselor i saw a year ago) told me i do far too many things that hurt me for the sake of others, for possibilities of connection, for healing of relationships... doesnt he know its worse to sit around feeling angry and frustrated when you know you are capable of making it better?

I gladly take on a few nights of crying for the possibility of a few years of openness.