Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I hate that about half the things I say lately have not had their intended effect. (sp?)
I write all these long ass e mails out of love, or frustration, sometimes boredom but always respect, and sometimes im not sure if im coming off the right way... things I know i could clear up to some degree, but could never fully erase the slight damage to the trust every time. And yes, it is these follies which sometimes lead to better communication, stronger relationships etc.. but i hate the process, the worrying.
Lex says I need to chill, and allow things to be, because they will work out. But often I feel that if I chill too much (because of the position i have taken in a lot of peoples lives) things will fall apart temporarily. Not them or me, but the relationship and having things fall apart is my least favorite thing in the world. Still, the battle for control, should not lead to censorship, but in my case careful word choices should be expected, and lately I cant remember words...

I was talking to this random girl in the hostel. She has a completely different personality/perception of things than me, and I still really dug the conversation. I told her it was funny that we could never work out together, but I think she would have made a (frustrating)but interesting friend, had we had any time in this world. Still the 20 minute conversation is better than none, and I like to meet people digging the world, even if they dont do it like I do.

For instance there is another guy here, who basically reminds me of everything i worry I am. Hes not aggressive or mean, hes presumptious but awkward, hes a lot like me on a bad day, and I hate making that judgement but it seems so clear to me and I wonder if it is to him (but he seems oblivious). The rolled eyes, smug comments dont seem to phase him, and in a sense I think that is amazing and beautiful, I think its fun to sit back and watch as he (with no bad intentions)puts people a little off, and I like watching those reactions, and watching the people extend their boundaries to accomadate him, and understand him, cuz secretly I believe they all know they have been there. but whats more is I love his excitement in it, I love how he reminds me of my little brother rushing into the street when he was 7 without looking, (while I worried) or asking for free samples from every restuarant (while I worried) and such and such, cuz I always wanted to live that free, I always wanted to be me.
Sometimes I worry that I impose too many worries on the people I care about.
Sometimes my worries come true and I react well for the situation having played it out in my head.

I shared a million horrible thoughts and feelings with lex yesterday about the concentration camp, and basically vented for now, but maybe another time.


Tonight we go to Warsaw, I hope things get better because this would be a shitty way to end a good experiance.
Some of my stuff is being sent to the states, costing a fortune.
Its my best friends birthday. I think i heard he might be in mexico, life is moving on without me once again.

My little brother is gonna come out here. Finally have travelled with both. Its funny that so much of my life, our lives, has happened away from each other.

I hear James is working too hard again, I worry about him. I worry what will happen should there be a negative outcome. I worry that one day he wont be able to take it. I think its the hardest to see him hurt, since he has always been the sturdiest... im glad he has so many people around that either care and believe in his cause, and if not, then at least in him.

Despite the little awkwardnesses of it, I like AIM a lot. i like catching up quick, or sharing life.

If i dont extend (which isnt likely) im here for another month and a half. but most likely it will be two.
two more months, what to do...hot to keep up the energy, looks like maybe a month at most of that will be with people...

"we crossed over the st christopher, we crossed over to find a place to rest, the st christopher is burning down tonight, we will never return."



There was a poem that they put in the audio guide at the camp that was horrible and sad, and beautful

im hoping to find a copy of it, but heres a different poem, written by a survivor and peace organizer

"First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.


by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945"

I think thats really important.
heres another link about the camp