Hopefully this is my yahoo photo account (india for now)

ooh so many thoughts, slight frustrations. changing moods.
my piggybacked signal might soon come to an end, or it might have been temporary. but still
50 out of 250 pages done

yahoo pics of india soon all up then more facebook and snap fish and russ site


but first homework i think
tomorrow i have an interview at 7:00 pm lets hope i have AIM

for some reason stupid blogger isnt letting me put photos on, I am however creating a yahoo account if facebook and snapfish arent working for ya

a lot of this was taken from an e mail to somebody (so if it doesnt work out well, thats why.)



So I mentioned hypocrisy, and basically what i meant is I dont mean to say i have things put together, I am doing things that will probably end up hurting me especially with school because it feels right. I know I should stick it out and make it work, but I dont feel strong enough. Still it doesnt mean I will give up completely, it means I will start looking into options to make it up later. to stay on track despite the current failures ..right
So heres my life.
I dropped my history class today. I stayed up till 6:00 doing pictures and other stuff, and never got around to my homework and it sucks because as good as it is for me I just dont think school is my priority right now. I dont think it can be. I will always choose to e mail over doing my homework or post, or update photos or write poetry. Right now I will. I dont have the structure of school to keep me on task, I dont have others around to tell me to do it, to encourage. On top of that I m bogged down with tons of work from last semester and winter, and I never got a break so I still feel stressed. meaning it would be at least another week till I get back on task for my class, (two weeks behind) and piling up along with the stress from working my ass off this week, and starting a big trip. I am looking forward to seeing people on that trip, we are gonna stay with rachel and Im gonna see illy and Alexis.
I think i need the time with some of these cats to recenter myself.
I think I need the trip, the time to myself, to write to draw, the time to read the time without the school kind of stress to hold me down. I need to meet people and see the world again, and get caught up in it, and once that happens I will come down and lay out the groundwork to make sure I do my part in it, whether that be teaching or whatever.
I decided to go on this trip because I was upset, and then things seemed better but I hadnt figured it all out yet. Im gonna take some of that time now. I take the time to write people because it helps me, helps me stay focused, helps me connect with them and helps remind me whats important to me.
SO that being said, I think i need the time, 6 credits for the semester. (its bullshit)
So im thinking bout summer classes. I dont know if that will end up working.
Also though, im trying to stay on task for my goals with school and at this point im gonna end up short a few classes I will need to get the all encompassing degree I desire. maybe i will switch majors last minute or drop out and do some work in some far off place. (i doubt it, since i have a hard enough time being away from my friends for a few weeks)

zach is talking about the peace corp. I dont think I could give two years.

(for me) without a moment to breathe I get a little lost, wondering why im doing the shit I am... why im challenging myself to take 21 credits last semester? and failing at it. I think for me its equally as self destructive to keep pushing forward without asking why, as it is to stop and ask "why?" all the time without moving, so Im still in the mix trying to find the balance. India was good for me, but too pushy, now im trying to have a break and school is too pushy. I got to take a breath.

As part of this breath, im trying to come to conclusions and thats a stupid thing but something we all feel we need right? but in the same way that every conclusion I come to needs to be checked regularly and changed to meet the circumstances. Now is it wrong to generally assume the cats around me need to be doing the same thing? checkin their plans, assumptions.
maybe thats another bogus conclusion.
oh well i better get back to this book and paper

I dunno can chuck norris do this?

mother

the schedule according to krystin

Feb. 6: Pisa (Italy) for the day
Feb. 6 to Feb. 9: Florence (Italy)
Feb. 10 to Feb. 13: Montpellier (France)
Feb. 14 to Feb. 17: Madrid (Spain)
Feb. 17 to Feb. 20: Barcelona (Spain)
Feb. 21 to Feb. 23: Geneva (Switzerland)
Feb. 24 to Feb. 27: Vienna (Austria)
Feb. 28 to Mar. 3: Paris (France)

Computer! Pictures! rah rah rah
I think im piggy backing on the loud chicas upstairs internet connection. Im a theif is what im saying..
Uh langin says im gonna be in the paper, pity i wont see it eh? my ego is so big im gonna dedicate a facebook album to it soon.
Um what else, so far im updating the snapfish, and some facebook, and then I will get the india up hardcore, and then maybe make a yahoo account too, cuz why not have 4 different locations. these pics will be famous famous!. um also its nice looking through old pics. Im glad to have my comp back remember my friends etc. I havent even begun playing with music or games. Im seriously thinking about dropping my history class or telling her it will et done some time in summer. Maybe i should take a second summer session class when do those start? im thinking i will be back in july and want to road trip and smoke ganja and do shrooms all summer long. and then come back to school all vagabondish in to bondage and band aid myself back together again, trying to start a new year second to last.

and for my next trick, I will pull a power adaptor out of my ass!!!! (yea!)
(you'd like that wouldnt you, you dirty you)

Anyway My computer finally arrived, my mom sent my books and and my battery recharger and everything (yea!)
but my adaptor doesnt work for my computer (boo-urns)
so I must go to the store.
plus im a little worried Im gonna blow up my computer (boo-urns)

but also excited about sharing pictures (yea!) and listening to music(yea!), and doing homework (boo-urns)

AND THEN THERE WAS SPRINKLED DONUTS!!!! (YEA!)

Bad luck

hahaha na everything is fine. Mike said as if trying to convince himself.
but honestly. The bad news is ok, my dad e mailed me saying the business prospects he was looking into, had invested in for the last 6-7 months had collapsed the head guy probably going to jail etc.
after a brief conversation we concluded things could be worse.

I keep getting bad news from one in particular that i care about, but recognizing my boundaries is good for both of us, allows me to stay positive and supportive, rather than questioning and confronting in frustration.

In all I think the challenges are ok. Like I told her tonight, the scary stuff is hard, but sometimes, sometimes we are ready to tell it to fuck off, to stop letting it control us.
In the same way, sometimes the scary things to hear are ok too. They put things in perspective, let us know how much we can deal with and how lucky we are. So I end the night very thankful. Very thankful -if i check my presidential e mail acount..... very thankful that I am surrounded by people who love and care for me, but even more, they know that I care for them too, even if they arent ready to admit its ok to love themselves too.

Funny how blogger wont paste lyrics here, I was gonna post the lyrics to the sunny day real estate song i had in my head. Its called "one" off the rising tide (their last cd)
None of you know them so its ok.
but i do find it funny that i get songs in my head while im dreaming.
no access to my music connection. I havent listened to that cd in a year probably. the other songs I have gotten in my head today are "life aint so shitty" and "lemonade" by blind melon. both wonderful songs but as i ealier remarked to krystin it sucks when you try to sing songs that are very random (like lyric or musically) because everyone thinks you just suck, and they dont know that the song is random and awesome.

Im freezing. I spent the whole night tossing and turning in my bed (it might be the caffeine) I might have cut down enough to have it affect me. (still drinking it)
but then I just took a 2-3 hour nap.


Talked to my girl Illy on the phone today, with an echo that bothered the hell out of me. She sounds good, we are gonna go see her in a few weeks.

I need to ask templemen for an extension. Im thinking I will just tell him I get it in when I do, and he can cut my grade down if he wants but it will probably be no later than a week in to february. As we leave on the 6th
Im also considering telling my history teacher (one late assignment already) that she should just keep me from getting lower than a C and everything else will be cool.
shaking shaking

horrible news confirmed last night. dreams havent stopped. ability to do anything confirmed at practically zero. People have to make their own choices in life. The problem is certain things dont seem like a choice. happiness vs seeming unhappiness, who chooses the latter?
I cant help. I can only wait for help to be chosen.

sometimes I cant tell if im shaking cuz im cold or cuz im scared.




while walking home last night krystin said something like "apparently it rained again" and I said something like "yeah I think God just takes a big bucket of water and splashes it on scotland while no one is looking" this is the way of things.

you take care of yourself or all start freaking out again

I recently got the last cd At the drive in (one of my fav rock bands of all time) will proably ever put out, (cuz they broke up awhile ago) and formed some bands I really enjoy one of which being the mars volta who I love with probably equal affection (they cant really be compared though)
anyway the cd came with a bonus dvd of the three videos they put out
the first
One armed scissor is the video/song that made me like them in the first place and shortly after i gobbled up all the old cds i could find (i have all of them)
the video is taken from live concerts and shows the passion and energy of the band in full form, highlighting cedric the singer in his very animated (like me rocking out) dancing/screaming style. Its amazing
the second is one of my favorite videos of all time (others including pearl jam's do the evolution and Bjork's pagan poetry)
its for
Invalid litter dept. and is basically a propganda video bringing awareness to the crimes of juarez mexico (right by el paso where the band is from)
I cry almost every time I see this video, its incredibly sad, but whats more its disgusting, its incredibly terrifying that this is a real thing.
so that by the end of the video when cedric is screaming you want to be right there with him.

the third is off an earlier cd called vaya,
its for a song called metronome arthritis, and is not exceptionally good, it reminds me a bit of Sparta's cut your ribbon video (spart being the other members of at the drive in not in the mars volta) cut your ribbon is a good song and the video works for it, but this one is eh,,
its got something to do with a seedy drug underworld and like most at the drive in /mars volta stuff is way weird and complicated.

I highly recommend seeing invalid litter dept. and checking out at the drive in if you can handle energetic rock/punk (somewhat emo ish but not bad emo) screaming and lyrics that seem incoherent but actually make sense if you get a little tripped out.

im sorry to freak everyone out the last few days, sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and honestly im sorry for it being destructive but i wouldnt give up my feelings for the world.
I will work on the destructive outlash-certainly the last thing in the world that I want is for more people to be hurt in the process.

Some people I have talked to were right about things. And Im as worried as I was before, but i have come to terms to some degree with my place in the issue, im not wiping my hands clean, im noticing they have limits. I dont have to like the limits but they are there.

As for everything else
most of life is good. Im glad things are working out.
my home work isnt done, but it will get done.

Before slug started sucking (this is a date as yet determined precisely but in general lucy ford cant be topped)

he wrote a song called "If I was santa clause"
I think its a beautiful song, the problem is its hard to restrain yourself.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I need a few weeks off, im sick of constant struggle, Im sick of school already (probably cuz i only had a 4 day break)

I dont want to turn any of it in, but Im gonna keep going.

Really what I want to spend my time doing is writing dirty stories, and drawing beautiful pictures and listening to music that warps my mind.

I got a couple cds the other day on my day of spending a fortune, I spent 150 $ or so.
I spose I should write about that.
(((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))()(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))


We mark ourselves to distinguish, to justify, to reach out, to communicate, to entertain, to express, to signify, to idolize, to mesmorize, to remind ourselves of whats important.
I was hung up, confused and desperate. I still am.
Since ancient times we have known how to perform the artform. The iceman they found in the alps has marks a long his pressure points, early acupunture. we call him a medicine man. In early religious texts it expresses the distinction between certain marks, piercings tattoos, it commands and regulates. Some are brands like cattle like slavery. I believe in judaism I marked myself a slave at 10. through gain and loss Im at 8 piercings. without some drastic amputation, scarification or cosmetic surgery (which i think I dont believe in). Im marked forever.

Peace and Love

in a letter to my mom, (she busted out the bib-le on me, and wrote mike you are not your sisters and brothers keeper)

I wrote back

Mom if I knew how not to be (my sister' s and brother's keeper) I still wouldnt try.
but clearly I dont know how anyway.
and yes it gets me in trouble and yes it hurts, but i still wouldnt choose another path. I would be lost.
In being the keeper, you know where you are.

(I would like to add)

You are desperately trying to cling to someone and suck the life from them
you are a horrible leech, parasitic and terrible
you are the opposite of what they need
and all the while convincing them its not so.

I am he.

(mike full of self hate right now, and even if I did believe this (cuz I dont) would I stop? no, I love it too much, and I dont know another way.)

I snuck away to the computer lab determined to talk about religious quests and find an e mail that haunts my thoughts.
I have no recourse and no way to change things, I have no options my opinion means nothing and im across a fucking ocean.
so i wait, to hear more, and hope that my heart can handle it. I TEAR UP IN A FUCKING COMPUTER LAB FROM WORRY AND GET ANGRY WITH FRUSTRATION!
I try to convince myself not to write to those with some sway...
I dont try very hard, I try very fucking hard!!!!
(im sorry this is not about anyone who will read this!)


determined to talk about religion.

I was doing my reading for history, medieval passages on religion what it is to be a devotee, a monk etc. They said there were 4 kinds (you should really know that my heart isnt in this post anymore) so i will probably screw a lot of this up.
the first was the monk who was devoted and followed his abbot, lived at the monastery etc.
the second was the monk who with the help of much guidance had learned to listen to god alone and thus left the monastery to pursue god's calling but by himself (so go to the desert)
the third was the monk who claimed he followed god and didnt and thus was unruly in the monastery or something
and the fourth was like the third but with a group of his friends and they preached and corrupted.

What are we?
How do we know
Where are those who follow the path?

I once met a woman who had devoted herself to buddhism, she spent 7 years in a monastery ( i think) when you join you dont know when they will let you leave (for some it could be a year for some 30) anyway
after a year or so (i think) they start you on a program where you arent allowed to speak.
no talking (and once again this is until they tell you, so you dont know when you will be allowed to again)
you spend your day meditating. you look inward you look outward you put away things like family anf friends (who you have no contact with the entire time) out of your mind,

her husband was outside, he was either in his own monastery or not in it at all. he supported her, not hearing from her, not knowing when she would come out. he stayed devoted as well

she describes going crazy, and then it all becoming clear again...
one day they let her speak again. she stayed for another 5 years or so.



in another section of the passages they described devotion to god, and your abbot who is like god to you in that they have all the influence over your life.
They describe not struggling with god, but following his path.
they list off probably 100 traits all of which i think i try to follow. and they say do not fight.
but was it jacob who fought with the angels over his path? was he not a prophet, was he not chosen by god and did god not give him the limp, the reminder, still he had won. It was his path and his path to serve god.

sometimes I wonder who i am.
today i am worried
today i am too dependent on this world
today i am too jealous
today i care too much
today i dont trust
today i worry the spirit is not directing someone
today i worry their ears are closed and syes shut
today i worry about another's path their choice their direction

_________________________________________________________________

I got a girl who i love, partially because everytime I hear from her she has a new future job, none of which she would ever leave behind, none of which she wouldnt do if it offered her the chance. Today its this later that, tomorrow this and the next day that. she will live on for eternity or die tomorrow always hopeful and mindful to look out for opportunities.
She will be the 90 yr old saying we should go for a walk because there are still things to see and do, she will be 120 and tripping on acid to reach out and explore even further.

_____________________________________________________________-____

I swear im two timing her... I swear she doesnt deserve the treatment I give her and neither does the other, I fear that maybe i will be stretched too thin of they both call out at once, I swear i'll rip myself a part and put myself back together for each.

___________________________________________________________

I swear im more than that, i swear i'll work harder so they arent the only ones, I swear i'll shred every hair from my head my arm my leg and each will one day have the strength i do right now, so that each and every woman man and animal can have a back rub and a heart felt word of encouragement.
I swear I cant do it alone, I swear i'll stop crying frustrated and do something right.

starting with those right here.

********
im sorry.... to all of you who i fail. im sorry for failing so many times.


peace and love

I finally finished the book I was reading, and stole a quick read of another story while in the computer lab at stirling university... Both were very enjoyable. One I may have to read again, the other I have to write a paper on, but not quite yet. Now its just history and india until i get my computer. Me and krystin are thinking of interviewing melissa's flatmates (more me than melissa)

Adventures in stirling

We started our treck to the dangerous computer lab through the winding twisting hallways of the labyrinth that is Cottreal, (the main building on campus) where many a student has been lost to the flickering motion sensor lights and the white of the hallways.
Once through that hectic puzzle we set out for the highest peak, and very quickly decided to just go to the william wallace monument (the highest peak in the next few blocks) and slowly scaled the moss laden old rock wall lined paths with the added danger of obstacles such as dirty dirty mud and dog poo which would have stood in our way had we not been looking down from panting (not melissa) and occasionally resting cuz we were out of shape. Right right then when we got up there, there were giant dragon like machines which threatened to eat us alive -but instead were just performing minor construction to the area. Then we seriously thought of facing the dreadful challenge of paying the fine to walk up the 264 stairs to the top, but we decided to be smart and just took pictures from below. Then visited the giftshop where the strawberry castle-rock candy stuff flowed like wine for 20 p and we tasted all the flavors deciding Edinburgh was delicious.


are walk down was equally as treacherous and woeful as we had decided to refuse the man who ran the free bus transport, and we regretted it with each step... mainly krystin.
Then as our spirits soared and by soared I mean plummeted and by plummeted I mean meandered off, and by meandered off I mean we couldnt decide what to do next, we walked through creepy old alleyways to find a bus stop. But it wouldnt let us on, because it was a dreadful bus, so we walked forth toward town (the university is outside of town) and stirling with its stirling glory laid frontstraightaway with stirling goodness. But then a bus did come so we took it and it cost far less than we imagined possible. from there we ventured towards £ stores for we were a sorry sort of cheap wallymonkeys and krystin needs to stop spending money (but now she has decided to take out a loan so she is back to suggesting taxi's and coke)
Are £ store days were beautiful but too savory, for we walked out with things we didnt need like a smokers kit but a gnarley one in deed, and socks that say guiness but none of us drink the stuff.
Um from there we challenged ourselves with the hike of the century up to the castle (the stirling one) which we noticed because of its stirling beauty and stirling presence and also because of the signs pointing the way. But first we stopped to visit our dead ancestors in row upon row with tipped over graves and the like, just to sort of remember how many have died fighting the plague and such.
but then
oh but then we went to the stirling castle which could not have been more stirling unless say we had gone inside but we are all to cheap and the view was good and the castle was closing anyway.
so we had chips at a chippy shop and ramshackled our way back to a bus where we spent a little more but got a better view (doubledecker) and thus Almost ends the story of the first day in stirling. we braced the cold again to find internet and found a man laying on the floor, which we reported but now I feel really bad about it, as they are still hassling him (nicely) but allthewhile the guy is probably just trying to sleep off a hangover on the floor of the computer lab (whats wrong with that?)

you enjoy yourselves.

I should be reading my book for class, or smoking crack, but instead I am plotting.

We got bus passes, for cheaper than train, and they go to most of the cities we wanted to anyway. We pick them up in florence.

Im starting to worry about my history class, (the directed study will be easy) but im worried about access to internet to turn in assignments for the medieval one, especially during march when I wont have the books (should have ordered...tsk tsk..).


Other things do morris shops take credit cards online?
do they deliver?
do mars bars have to be so damn rich that I cant eat one without a drink?
what the fuck has the world come to?


also I need to start writing.
and re journaling my india trip.
and so much more....

so much more indeed that Im gonna get off (another boring post completed)

Travel plans are getting rearranged (trains? buses?) and such but should work out nevertheless right?
we are for sure gonna be going to pisa feb 6 as long as we get up in the morning in Glasgow.

..and should be on are way to stirling any time now when Mel stops by to pick us up.

Um my comp isnt here and now we are starting to wonder if it will be here by next weekend (hopefully) otherwise i dont know what im doing. I have papers on there I have to turn in, I have pics i need to unload on there. I got things I want to check, music I want to listen to, pics I like to look at, things I want to save that I cant save on this computer, things I want to download and such.

So yeah...

Um your shoes untied! (runs away)

the other funniest picture in the world

The funniest pictures I have ever seen

First you Have pete (best friend since we were 4) opening his christmas present from his roommate.

The present (im gonna make this my desktop) hes a funny guy his name is tyler he smokes and drinks and plays online poker and dates girls who are always younger then him.
But still thats a funny picture right?

And finally pete proudly displaying it.

Amy Chua writes:

In countries with a market-dominant minority and a poor "indigenous" majority, the forces of democratization and marketization directly collide. As markets enrich the market dominant minority, democratization increases the political voice and power of the frustrated majority. The competition for votes fosters the emergence of demagogues who scapegoat the resented minority, demanding an end to humiliation, and insisting that the nation's wealth be reclaimed by its "true owners." Thus as America toasted the spread of global elections through the 1990s, vengeful ethnic slgans proliferated: (a list of nationalist slogans for example "America for Americans") More moderate candidates who disavow ethnic politics are made to look like traitors. As popular hatred of the rich "outsider" mounts, the result is an ethnically charged political pressure cooker in which some form of backlash is unavoidable.

This book is really good, and kind of scary. One of my problems with it is that I always look for the optimistic side, and in some sense my capitalist side flares. When she talks about poor impoverished nations without infrastructure being pillaged by outside economic forces, I think "wow i bet if they had infrastructure americans and europeans would want to go there because its cheap. If you could provide a safe place to stay (a hostel) you could make some serious cash. I then decide to do such a thing would be morally wrong, so I add that profits could be used to make shelters, redistribute food etc.

oh capitalism, am I he who upon tasting your pleasure sweetly intermingled with disdain for redistribution would cast off my notions of social justice? Am I he?

money and travel:Well Im not spending too much yet. I was hoping to be saving money while im here and so far i think i have spent about 30$ so thats not bad. Its roughly what i spend in morris on a good week though, which is bad.
considering im gonna be spending about 20 $ a day at least while traveling... my cash may not last too long. Im hoping to stay too if anyone is around. Its hard for people to say if they can come out for summer, and my ticket may only be good till june 28th so what if people do come out and i leave em half way through (that will suck). Im also considering spending march in france w/ illy (though I havent told her that) and hanging out with alexis if she comes for spring break.

pics: Soon I will have the funniest pics in the world up here, but ya gotta wait for my comp so i can d'load them. im hoping my comp gets here monday morning before we go to stirling (probably till wednesday). also I will finally be able to get my india and some edinburgh pics up. (though we havent taken many) and that will be coolerish.

Homework update: Im determined to get my Briggs paper done tonight and finish my book for my directed study by monday, then while im gone work on india and history, and then when i get back finish up my anth and india stuff and then head out for the continent.

Comp and travel: I think with my comp I will also be able to get some of the writing I been meaning to do, and I might bring it even though its heavy, If I take my suitcase (yeah I know im not a real backpacker this time) it will fit in there.

today: me and krystin were basically lazy today, we sat around I talked to people online and did homework. We walked around, to some shops looking for food around dinner time, and after a mile or two walking to the grocery store and buying a pre roasted chicken and some bread and grapes. Then on the way back I stopped at our local store for drinks (so as not to carry them) I think Im getting my travel legs back, to an extent. my hands and feet are constantly freezing though.

Mike being weird: maybe some of you have noticed I have been writing weird messages, e mails and on facebook walls. im feeling creative but dont have anything to say so i have just been letting anything flow and often it turns into weirdness, for example I wrote on laurel's wall just to say hi and after referencing mike the rock broke into
"what the hell is mike the rock rambling on about, and hows it going, i hear the floor is singled up and quiet like a moutain lion about to strike. is this true, is a lion about to rip your throats apart or is it just more of the usual, the small house cats, possums and raccoons of old. do your remember social science seminar? do you remember me failing it? do you remember the way we were? do you remember where we were? do you remember where I was in this rant about nothing important? was I anywhere near Wareville, NC? is that a real place? is it near? are you near? can you hear? why isnt the bird chopping wood? would you wear and compare the places you have been with where you were and what is near? and would it be clear? please tell me. oh god why wont you answer? for the love of god. Also you should read remily's v is for vendetta or maybe its not her's but make mike the rock read it too. the greeks invented anal lube. this in my conclusion."

I wouldnt say im bored here, its just that with only krystin around im not venting to enough people and thus i get weirder or something, i dont know maybe its all the india music, and the trippy pink floyd and the euro pop.

Maybe its the graying days the yellow elephants the tiger stripes, the sunshine raisins, the california raisins, Brigg's raisins, the raise in prices world wide the globalization the salivation, the personalized privatization the private moments we share.. maybe its the colorful descriptions the wall decorations the paintings at which I stare
the closet of wonder
the secrets you ponder
the way you look at me when i'll im really saying is... I care
are secrets mirrored? and televised to be clearer than windows stained golden with tears of the sun? are portraits self painted, tourists as self hated as purists and chandeliers swing from above? why is it safer to run and displace his feelings while tracing the path of his first rising star, shattered and wonderfully embraced from a far,
soothing and moving, flying and gliding
like pigeons in train stations held at arms length to take pictures mid flapping and drastically trapped and confused
shattering our views
we see in hesitation only the whiteness of doves
and when you race by concerned or elated
I feel as if fated to turn to my partner and proclaim my love.

my dream

amongst all this talk of parenting, I must have gotten confused,
it was around x mas time, I think, must'v been last x mas.
I was at some sort of spa, but it wasnt supposed to be a spa, it was supposed to be like home, or something. I had been working on a gift for my mom, but it wasnt my mom, I mean it was afterwards but before that it was some other older adult female. The gift was like a comicbook style thing of pictures I had drawn and a story about the person.
I was sort of excited/a little worried about giving the gift, but I wasnt ready for the reaction I got, which was basic contempt for it. To some extent, and it enraged me, because afterall my mom was always like "oh just make me something" and so I chased afterher, (now we were in some tunnels and there was my family there but only grant my step dad and my mom spoke and they had eachother's backs on this one. and I felt ganged up on, and thus responded accordingly yelling and screaming and swearing and running away repeatedly. After awhile I told her I had been working on it for 6 hours (which seemed a lot in my head) and she was forced to say it was "good, but not india good" was her response. and so I gave up my ticket, out of feeling angered and betrayed. And I threw it at her, and told her to go.
she justified her comments by saying, that I had told her on the phone to be excited for the gift (something i would never say) and thus felt cheated when it was something so small, but she didnt say it like she was hurt she said it with contempt, like she deserved something bigger and grant agreed and so I yelled fuck you at them, and continued down the tunnels (possily an airport/mountain tunnels) -I noticed people peeing on the side of the road. I followed my family as they walked but allowing them enough distance so that I didnt have to see them. Along the long walk I suddenly entered a room, and behind me was sublime (assume long beach dub all stars) and it was first ave, only smaller, but facing the directing i was going remained the tunnels so I kept walking, and ran into all my best guy friends from home. Pete and foulkes and nick and zach and someone else and josh gust, and they had just played a game on the other side of the cities and were taking a plane back to park, all were notably drunk and i helped them stumble up to the stage where we started rocking out hardcore, but slowly the members of the band began to disappear, and so did the crowd until it was me and nick h rocking out to some tracks by system of a down that the dj was playing on his discman, and suddenly i stopped and looked at the man and said "we are listening to a cd at first avenue" and that was his cue so he got up and left. I followed him into a bathroom (not first ave) and ran in to 4 guys i didnt know but who seemed friendly, and they threw shaving cream at me, in a playful way, but it missed and hit nick on his neck, and then I snutzed him.

the end.

ABBA Gold

rocks the house sometimes. Its interesting how I get into pop music when ever I am traveling, but at least its got that 70s euro hippie feeling.
Songs of love and break up
thank you for the music I guess

I have yet to bust into my Indian music collection too much. I rocked out to some Ravi Shankar last night while drawing, which was nice. Krystin walked in and was like "this song has been on for 10 mins" and I was like "yeah its a jam and a half too"
we shall see how "drums of India: ecstasy" (all tabla music) is after this next song.

and I did crack into my "gypsy passion: flamenco" cd the other day to hear some familiar tracks by Ottmar Liebert and a whole ton of new stuff -which was super smooth
but after that its all india folk and religious music, so we shall see how that is. Will it be good yes? no?
and awaiting tracks from the US (we got like 5-6 india pop cds) for like 5 of us, which we planned to share but we shall see if that takes place.
anywho other than that

tenacious d, sage, system, queens of the stone age, a beatles cover band, and some pink floyd until my comp gets here.

Not that anyone cares but remember this is also my personal journal "duh" so i get to record my trip here.
peace

Updating for your love!

RAINY DAYS

Some of yall who i been talking to more readily might get bored with this post, its more of an update out of boredom than anything else.

I thought maybe some color would liven things up, maybe its just annoying. we will find out.
This weekend krystin's rents are gone, and we are all alone, so clearly it is rave time. We printed flyers and were gonna hand em out today around the university, they are quite colorful, but its raining so we decided to blow off the whole thing. The rest of the weekend better not be so drab, but actually it would probably be helpful as I have a ridiculous amount of shit to do homework style before the end of february and I's best gets started.

This thing auto-removes my spacing, so if shit is fucked up looking, im sorry.

So I finished one book, 2 to go, before february (i think) plus we have our first assignment in history due today, and I did the reading but for some reason am reluctant to type up the answers to the questions. Got four papers to write, can only do two right now, need clarification or books or my comp for the others. oh well, less boredom more exicitablity.

Better off drawing/eating starbursts listening to sage francis. (I lent krystin some of my cds before I left and its working out rather well for me, considering I now have like 4 of my cds here cuz she burned em)

um missing faces.

no storms in europe only rain and wind. (better write some poetry soon)

4 to remember

1) Melissa (i really hope I havent been spelling this wrong all this time)
popped in yesterday on her way to London, and spent the night with us. We made stir fry w/ veggies from two different stores, used sauces we could not explain, and two woks, (one for the vegitarian) the other for me and krystin's family. I was worried we wouldnt have enough, but Krystin's brother didnt eat much, I dont think he trusted my cooking. Anywho it was aight, much fun, and I explained my frustration to them while chopping. Which is why half the carrots went on the floor.

2) Me and Melissa stayed up till 2 Am discussing everything and the kitchen sink, why we talked about the kitchen sink I dont remember, maybe cuz its Scottish, but anyway it was awesome. Religion, and travels, and people and relationships, and our place in life, and ourselves. I talk too much as you all know. and kept apologizing but kept doing it anyway. In the midst of our talking were sounds from the neighbors. Drunken partying and off key singing to off key paino playing. (it was clear that the pianist could play, but was not sober) Anyway we laughed as they sang disney and pop songs.

3) Edinburgh is a great city. Anyway I love this city for about four things (none of them being the weather)
A) its easy to get around, to walk, its relatively easy to get lost and found again. Its centered around a castle that stands above the building line and so whereever you are you are relatively oriented. and if you cant see that you can see the large hills to the east which also helps. So thats nice
B) The architecture, the look, the scenery is amazing, even the normal buildings look old, and there is some real old churches and a fucking castle in the middle of town. Awesome. Every picture has something cool looking in the background and if not, then you are probably in front of stores which you can generally say is either on Prince's street (the main street through the center of town) which is across from the fucking castle, or near the university or the port or something cool.
c) its young and old at the same time, its a old fucking cool looking city and it has a university 5 blocks or so from the center of town so it has a young feel to it. There are bars and clubs and live music, and posters and graffiti and old stone streets and this is all in one of the biggest cities of scotland (maybe the biggest) so its not like its a small town. Its wonderful. finally
D) people watching, its true I do this everywhere and everywhere I do it I love it, I do it at malls in the US cuz thats where the people are but here I can go out to prince's street and if the rain doesnt start and if I bring something to dry a seat off, I can (and have) spent the entire day watching people walk by. I helped 3 japanese tourists find the train station today, I saw beautiful women, men, children. I saw old and young, all races. Stylish or business, casual or groggy old brown gray raincoats.
I love to think about the people, what they are thinking, is this their first time or have they walked this road a million times? are they hurried? scared? lonely? happy? are they loved? do they know it? Are they on their way to work, play, church, family? Are they hungry, sick, tired, shaken?
today I saw a big strong man, and out of one eye he was crying, walking down the busiest street in scotland. I wondered why? was he afraid that others would see him, was he comfortable, was it something in his eye? was it something someone had said, done? was it something he regrets?
I smile sometimes, I cry sometimes, I meet and talk to people sometimes, I get hit on, and flirt, I get offered money and give money. I become homeless and rich at the same time. I worry or rememeber things fondly. I see people who remind me of those I love, and I love them for it. Sometimes I sit and project as much love as I can on each passerby, to see if they turn their head and notice, sometimes they do, sometimes they share a glance, a moment.
I love people watching.

Also Our address should read

Gary/Pat Engstrand
2F1, 100 Thirlestane Road
Edinburgh
EH9 1AS
Scotland


little mix up with the post office, and the mailpeople are getting mad.

Krystin had done some scam to get cash out of her mom for pop. And they needed milk anyway so we (Krystin, her brother elliott and I) were off to the corner store. I got starbursts since i needed some sort of fruit candy. (they are a bit different here, different flavors, scottish flavors a cultural experience) anyway on the way back, we saw a guy on a bike with what looked like a baby and fallen groceries. Krystin stopped and looked at me, and asked if we should help, i took a look and then saw what i thought was a baby and thought "aight" and handed her the milk i was holding.
He had gotten most of it back into his bags, but there was a bit of something green in plastic so I picked it up off the wet street and handed it to him. In broken british (faded scottish, north english, or maybe just from a different town than edinburgh) he exclaimed how happy he was to run into someone who was nice enough to do a favor in this town. For the next ten minutes this man, who Elliott was a "scraggly bum" and krystin felt was "an interesting character" (afterwards) talked to us about organic cooking, his dislike of vegans and his living situation.
He went down a list of 20-30 different foods and went over their functions to help the body, herbs, parts of animals, tea, etc. He discussed why we shouldnt eat sugar (go with honey) caffeine chocolate, coffee and even tea.
Oh and by the way do you know of a bed for the night?
He told us about the family he had been working for, cooking for 24-35 people a article he had written in a magazine 19 years ago.
Toward the end he noticed a man passing by and told him (while he walked on ignoring) and us, how the man looked like a smaller version of a European boxing champ he had created a special diet for.
Im staying in a garage but the man who owns the property has been harassing me.
He spoke of vegans being evil because vegan food destroys your appendix- and how ginseng after being used in tea, could be reused for a "pick me up" (referring to me and krystin having sex) he also mentioned hair, organ and general health remedies.
Im out of the garage by friday morning at 9:00 and then -well thats it for me.
The man was overly gracious in his health tips, and I loved it.
Krystin wanted to run away. I would have stayed forever.
His shoes were from "a bin" the man who bought them wore them "maybe 5 times, then through them in the bin," the best meat comes from the country, it ought to be wild, milk organic, stay away from cheese. Its all about contacts find a hunter who will bring you the meat for cheap.
iodine from the islands, red snapper brains, bones and everything, cook the bones till they're golden, but there are two kinds of golden the good and the bad, so if it gets too golden then no, like aldente.
so if you know of a place, e mail me at organicgems001@hotmail.com (I think?) anyway I should be on my way.



Elliott and Krystin were freaked out, it was the highlight of my day, and reminded me of several such beautiful coincidences in life.
Elliott -Elliott -"He kept talking forever"

Thats what happens when you are lonely, I've been there.

"That guy looked like he was homeless."

He is, but hes an organic chef.

"So I felt like the biggest asshole when I killed your rock and roll"

Right then me and krystin are starting to work out plans, hanging out with melissa on wednesday (maybe going to london, probably too expensive, but eh...) looking into rail passes and flights. Thinking february is a good time to go to france and italy and maybe spain, and then later maybe in april hit up amsterdam and germany and czech rep and poland? austria? who knows really.

both of us are strapped for cash as it is. and im trying to extend my vacation even further. plus hang out with illy in france and alexis whereever and if hollie comes in the summer well geez i might have a million things to do and no money.
today we went to the grocery store and planned. tomorrow we may be more productive, maybe a free museum or something.

krystin is sad that the edinburgh zoo cost a goatload.
Goodluck to everyone starting their new semester manana. and drive safe!!!!
i aint coming home for no funerals. please please please be careful.


um other then that, listened to some abba today rocking mad style.

What to say what to say...

I dont mean any offense by this but it bugs me, so im gonna vent and hope those involved (one of whom says she wont read this anymore) understand that its just not easy.

The fortune teller I saw said there are two women in my life right now. I feel like thats true except that I dont get to see either of them, both are graduating, both are insecure about their position in my life, both have stuff going on in their own lives, and me I'm stuck wondering how to solve these problems without any real options at all. I want to see both, I want to share my life in different ways with both, hell with more then both of them. I want to share my life with every woman i meet. Doesnt mean I can so I tend to single out the ones that have something special, and then from there I single out the ones who dont find me too annoying, and from there I go even further and be come friends with the ones who like me, and from there i take a very select few who I know i could love more than a friend - and who i think could feel the same, and from there ---from there I check if the situation is ok, and from there I perhaps start pondering.

This process takes a while -usually.
Its not that I blame either, I know they are doing what is right for them, I know im handing them a situation that sucks and saying "deal with it" I know im off adventuring and they are stuck in morris, I know I know I know,

but its not easy being green, and its harder dealing with situations in which everything feels right in my heart, no problems, enough to go around and I dont mean in any kind of physical way, but in their heads, in their hearts and with their frustration I get overwhelmed in my head and hurt in my heart knowing I cant help them understand.

Why cant free love (once again LOVE only) be real? why are there complications?
a week ago I had a crush on 6 different girls, was in a relationship with a beautiful girl on the other side of the planet and had a best friend who I still love and in my heart there was no problem. no one was at risk to be hurt, no one had to worry about anything. E mails and phone calls insist otherwise and I'm still wondering why we cant all get along.

once again I understand its not easy. but love isnt supposed to be. so work with me on it and everything will be awesome, work with me on it and everything will be lovely.

I was about to say have faith that I wont hurt any of you out there, and then caught myself remembering it isnt always about the intentions, but still my intentions are good. seriously im trying very hard to make things work.


Im gonna not write about this much anymore because it only seems to hurt people, and not just specific people but apparently everyone in the world has a problem anytime i get in a relationship...
wow i must be really tired to over generalize like that.

adventuring with one of my best friends from school and im still sad/lonely and frustrated.

and yet, is the world not fucking beautiful? isnt it? isnt it amazing? dont you sometimes get swept up and weap and smile at it?

well you should, and im gonna keep trying to, even if it costs me.

so me and krystin have to have some blogs for our directed studies this is mine, it wont be all that interesting... but maybe.

india and europe

krystin's is

krystin's european adventures

Hey miss aimee, my e mail is always on this site, mikehaggar@msn.com or my school one at hagg0055@mrs.umn.edu so feel free to write a brotha



Trainspotting

"its shite being scottish, were the lowest of the low, some people hate the english, I dont, the english are just wankers, we on the other hand are colonized by wankers!"

I hear its playing at a theater in town, and yes im now in the famous city of Edinburgh home to the characters in trainspotting and all the other books by that guy... (forget his name though i've read a few)
anywho staying in a swanky part of town apparently, its nice, not as nice as the posh hotels in india but better in that it feels like it could be a home (sort of reminds me of my st paul house in an odd way)

will have internet access while here. (soon have my own comp and thus be on a million times a day)
but we have already gotten out a bit, learned the quick way to the city center Prince's street like a 15-20 min walk the weathers aight, not too cold but not by any means warm. Krystin's fam is cool. already making plans.
hoping everyone is well.

feeling at a loss to solve the problems i face and yet feeling good about the immediate future. cept maybe homework


soon, have to write some poetry, do some drawings and paintings.
get my pics up.
play some jedi trainer.
call the homies
its my b day in like 3 hours im gonna crash and read a letter tomorrow that i have been looking forward to.
enjoy!

oh london


why arent you all that i dream you are?
oh wait... you are, and arent.. (why cant i get on facebook?)

I miss india kids already and its been a few hours, they are over the atlantic and i feel left behind, but things will be better when i get some sleep.

So london is cold and gray, and miserable and also amazing, and so much to see and overwhelming and it sucks that i cant be in a better mood and have less luggage to hall around or i would make the most of the 6-7 hours i got left here.
I was gonna rant for an hour but the truth is i still like this city, despite the cold, unfeeling exterior its amazing, i just need to share it with someone, and be rich.




hmm i guess not much to say. 4 papers to write, 3 by the end of jan, one by the end of feb, some plans in the works, travel, savings, writings, drawings, projects. missing cats looking forward to seeing krystin, feeling bad i didnt bring a gift for her or her family when everything was so cheap in India, (we looked just didnt know what to get...)

said goodbye in an odd manner, through video... since i had to go and they had to go to a transfer flight...


smoking weed and making money.

missing so many cats...
and cats as well word up zoe, fuzz, flakey...
I had a dream about fuzzy cat the other day and i think it meant things will be ok, either that or things will be fucked up but hes with me. Fuzzy is my guardian angel.

freaked out about some people the other day. maybe i should be on prozac, maybe it would make me calmer and less worried.
but maybe its just the stressful situations i been in, the culture shock the sleep deprivation the inability to express certain desires and the lack of certain others.
what the hell happened?

i turn 22 in like 2 days i think. word to your motha

IN India, loving it minus the bout of travelers disease today and yesterday. Not many opportunities to post, or check e mail, but uh, shits good. I will be in scotland in a few days I think I will take a bus, like i did last time, the guy said it was the cheapest. The glasgow guy i couldnt understand who downed a liter of vodka in front of me.

Hmm From russ and emily's suggestion.

We went to a rock quarry, far from town, the great expanse of land interrupted by huge rock gaps, dynamited a way by workers who's job pai their entire family about 2$ a day. Their work: to split the rock, and break it manually with a pick axe into 1-2 inch chunks, for processing to make a dark sand, perhaps for cement, perhaps for roofing. The small village of workers, in dirty wood huts, a clearing in front, where the children had their bridge school sessions, at the hope that one day they could go to a normal school. They play and sing songs, but the people dont smile. The children wear tattered clothes, no doubt their best, with little to no undergarments in a country that frowns at such through their modesty. on a rope line, hangs drying clothes, but they arent clean, in fact they might need several more washings.
We stand around teaching songs, and taking pictures, a one day one hour 60 minute distraction in their lives of hardship. Then we compare them to the other students, as if such comparisons could be made, as if such comparisons would ever be meaningful to them.

they show us the pride, their flowers and painted stones, their deities, their temple, the place of natural worship. The distinction between the the century old temples of the city near by and these small painted rocks couldnt be more prominent.

We wait, our leaders argue over the safestway to leave, avoiding flying rock, or possibly collapse of the area all together, we ponder the green and brown ponds, while they make jokes about their mineral baths and pools. The run off of the mining process is the source of their life blood. lifewater comes with gunpowder parasites, bacteria and dirt.

A woman from a self help group asked us (in a different part or our trip) how we explain the disparity in wealth, the reason for the divide.

How do you explain the greed and selfishness of not giving away a few pennies?