Eagan's version is better than dylans

Well, if you're travelin' in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
for She once was a true love of mine.

Well, if you go when the snowflakes storm,
When the rivers freeze and summer ends,
Please see if she's wearing a coat so warm,
To keep her from the howlin' winds.

Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
If it rolls and flows all down her breast.
Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
That's the way I remember her best.

sometimes I wonder if she remembers me at all.
Many times I've often prayed
In the darkness of my night,
In the brightness of my day.

So if you're travelin' in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
for She once was a true love of mine.

The brutal process,
ripping,
thrust
forced expansion
the scream of flesh
of combatting the stretch

and on a smaller scale
like the antarctic snow dunes of the parking lot...
I think it would be possible
to see the creation of a galaxy
space doubling, tripling infinite with each new
stab
and withdrawl

what we call destruction, death
the expression of space dividing and expanding
reaching beyond the encaptured limited form of body
and with each prick, the opening to more
released longing creates the "bang"
with every cut a new universe



(This is not meant to freak anyone out, or entice anyone to do anything possibly harmful to themselves or others, but I got caught up in the idea of a knife, the blade that creates, rather than destroys (maybe too much american psycho))

Aimee and I (she is distracted in every picture i took)
Aimee, Nova and I, Nova and her girl

Pictures later. Everyone else is posting, and i got ten mins till family guy. Partially i havent been posting because im not sure what to say and who to say it to. Life is confusing, good, but with some stress.

I got some cds this weekend, and its possible my cd player in my car wont work again. I tried to fix my computer and it didnt work.

I got to see aimee, and called gabs briefly. Hung out with nova and alexis and family. Took some family pics.



Dreams are odd, in them we see windows to things we never thought we would worry about, sometimes remember, glances partial views, stuggling for truth struggling for security, struggling for acceptance and love. I have dreamed of loss and of new accomplishments....I have woke sad, confused, hurt, comfortable, happy, loving.
I have seen people struggle in their dreams, cry out, long for safety, grab tighter, hug and kiss, pete used to eat in his sleep... zach use to twitch.
Sometimes things are beautiful sometimes we feel at home, accepted, sometimes we run, hide, scream, sometimes we worry its real, other times we wake and wish it had been.

Aight Sioux Falls, my pops, my step mom in a squad car, and my cousin melissa getting walked down the aisle at her wedding

UM Nova wrote me, thats awesome, I mean lots of people have been writing me and it gives me a small celebration in my soul eachtime, but nova wrote me and im pretty sure I owed her like two e mails so I felt bad but she didn't seem to care. Anyway I guess i will see her soon.
Also I will update soon
but she sent me this silly poem I wrote a long time ago, Im not sure when though, I feel like I should be able to place it but I dont remember, Also I think its funny how I use to refer to women I had crushes on as animals in poems, im fairly sure mouse, elephant and cow were all girls I had crushes on (cow being nikki and it had nothing to do with appearances in any of the cases I dont think just like inside jokes or things they had said to me clicked at some point.

anyway i think this poem might have gotten erased cuz i havent seen it in a long time so thanks to nova

Whether you're the walker with the crooked leg swing
Or the one who walks straight an old style king
Your knees will give out eventually
So whats the point of the act we've weaved?
The purposeful miscalculations the thoughtful deceit
Assuring you know yourself to your friends
Unsure what is you and where the cloak ends
------Born in a phase bring it to pass
Describe it as nothing
for you are but glass
See through and vulnerable
Strong in the soul
Forget we are birds run into windows
----I haven't seen your positivity in days
Haven't made that mouse joke in quite awhile
Hurt from cow almost forgotten
Elephant in style
--Funny the young one made you love her in a day
She like all the others
They all make you feel that way
Funny it's been 2 days and you can't even remember what she looks like
Just the connection and energy derived from the passion of her soul
The positivity as a goal
Of course
You're happy to pay the cost
An hour or 2 of dreams and a longing for 4 am love affair flings
She's gone, heart stings
--Sad but so wonderful
Who would dare to be so vulnerable who would choose?
Only those with nothing to lose or everything to give and I long to be one one day
That day so far away the day the world stops
---I wonder where Micah is today____
I wonder at which stop she got off and why I didn't notice till now
Oh recount the days the love the play in your mind where only you speak the lines but in two voices as if both character's choices were the same and they never are_____
-----Dream always of touching truth expressing the beauty you know in your soul
Too bad you taint it
Too bad you only show its taintedness
--The only truth you could ever even tell is that love of god love of life and love of love itself but definitely not in a way people could understand (tell em to look in your eyes)
___ So listen to rent and watch Moulin Rouge learn to love life learn how not to confuse
Learn its ok to live the life of a man
Learn its ok to live long
Forget your selfish childhood dreams of dying while young a creator of beauty a soul who knew and expressed the beauty in words or in paint the love around them the sound the dance
Forget you would give it all to show the world you loved it
Live it
Give back to it in a small dose
A medicinal pill
A shot or a word
Could sooth the mildly ill
And probably fulfill your need for a thrill
Most definitely forget your love of women so much you want to be one and act like ruthless man
or don't and be happy without anyone who understands

Im gone this weekend, im also gone this weekend. I think this part of my life is very mountainous, very scenic, very beautiful, very dangerous, very scary, very high ups, very steep edges, a couple of fuckin downers that take your breath away.

Im sick of this, everything is awesome! FUCKIN A are things grande.

YOU take care of yourself and someone else. Peace and love and much respect to you all I think you are wonderful and want to see rainbows and sparkles and stars in your eyes shimmering lips dimpled cheeks high I want real smiles from all of you not that pencil inbetween your teeth fake dopamine booster shit but the real grins ear to ear. Thats right now go look in a mirror you are beautiful. Now go show the world and share em. I couldnt be happier with any of you, you never cease to amaze you wonder you beautiful fucking creatures I want pictures I want sunshine on your faces, I want joy tears in your eyes when you realize the world loves you. Here is my heart my soul my mind and body, here is my love my being my spirit my happiness. Here is everything you have given me if I could I'd multiply it by infinity and give you every bit back to wrap you in warmth in multicolored heart blankets.
Forgive me I dont know how best to love you, I dont know how to love myself without knowing you are there and so I must take you for granted, forgive me.
I love you all and im not saying this because anything is ending im saying this because Im sick of not loving purely. So for this minute its all just love. just love just love.
love
peace be with you I love you
-taff

the song eagan was playing the other day

"THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT ~the smiths

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Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)


Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da ...
Oh, I haven't got one


And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine


Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out"

I worry, probably too much, probably over nothing, why would I ever stop?
I blame myself, probably too much, probably over nothing, why would I ever stop?
I care, probably too much, probably because I know its something, why would I ever stop?
I love, probably too much, probably because I know its something, why would I ever stop?

Oh what to say, what not to say...?

I might just vent about the stupid things in life right now, really only because im trying to concentrate on the much more important things...

three things im frustrated about

1) My computer isnt recognizing my external hard drive, which means i have limited access to my music, which is incredibly irritating, considering music is like oxygen.
2) I'm behind on reading, im not mad about this one, just wish it were easier to get caught up, so that i could be less worried about next week.
3) I dont know what to write about for the open mic, and don't know if I have anything to sing, or read from the past, and its thursday. Its not so bad if i dont do anything its just that it is always fun (even when i suck like last time)-words just arent coming to me, somewhat like this post, its just not flowing...

Three things I am happy about

1) Relationships, new and old
2) Ego trips (reluctantly) - people seem to like me, also krystin put up a verse of a song I wrote on her xanga, its nice that someone likes it...
3) The future seems bright despite the darkening sky.

I returned to 4B and upon entry heard eagan playing the most beautiful song. His voice strong, passionate yet bold. Guitar softly strummed releasing beautiful melody conveying the mood he stood facing the window, singing to the world, possibly taking the casual glance at his reflection and of those of the wid mouthed passerbys. I stood with my eyes closed, taking it in.
I thought about how much i wanted a video camera to be recording, fearing the loss of this moment, dreading it. When it ended I enthusiastically thanked him, I wonder if part of me only clapped because I selfishly wished he would play it again.
I did get follow up videos on my camera of the songs after, which are beautiful but nothing could compare to the grace of the first.

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I skipped my first class, cleaning and reading, chatting it up about th beauty of sledding. The beauty of the metaphor as well.


Reviewing old material -I wish I wrote as I have before, where the rhythm sweeps me up and flowetry spreads gospel,


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I got a little frustrated in a sort of selfish way that I cant seem to capture the beauty of certain people, not well enough with my camera, I'd spend hours taking pictures if people didnt get restless. I would follow them around all day, I wouldnt mind the extras either, the subtle beauty in each one, but still, please camera just one picture that shows exactly the fact that people's beauty cant be contained in 2d busting off the page, explosions with attitude and glamour, true heart sadness and inner warmth radiance. Please?


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I have been meaning to mention this: Laurel


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I am also pleased to bring you: Alexis

(I dont mean to self plug here - but uh "thanks" my egotistical side amuses)

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I have been reading Laurel's stuff for a few weeks now and get excited for each new episode, and truthfully I dont know if I have ever been as excited for a new blog as with Alexis's, save possibly the exception of elizabeth but for the same reason creativity and excitement seem to come naturally to her and its beautiful to see people express themselves.



I only religiously check like 4 blogs now, down from like 10 but no one posts,and I have lost touch so...


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my fortune cookie laid down the law today, something about being cautious in my relationships, me thinks im not deemed fit, too overwhelming.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and finally I failed Mike the rock today, not only did i sleep during the guys lecture for a bit but I decided it better to take a nap then to sleep to st cloud. so I couldnae conversate with he and emily.

The speech was good but nothing new, and I though im glad that someone says it for the sake of the new people I wondered how those who know feel about attending....




I could cry for love of the world, but instead I'll relax and smile for awhile

Been doing better. Lots of good things me thinks.

Dont really know what to say.
so uh
"DAY O He say day ay ay o
day light come man me wan go home"

Oh my god!! what is my deal? this is the second day in a row i have gotten no homework done. Its simply not cool. I sit here all night long listening to music and exploring facebook, my pics, e mails, poetry, art websites, funny websites, blogs and journals blah blah blah
I have a simple paper to write and cant work up the motivation. It sucks cuz i want to do fun things and i dont think i should unless i get something done...

other than that though, things may be better. Im worried about someone, Im excited to see Illy, I need to talk to gabs, I want to see my brothers and go out to eat with them, I want a social life, and I want to hang out with my friends new and old. I dont want to do homework, i dont want to be in school. I dont want to have to worry about events. I want to be eventless, so i can paint all night long and watch movies and rock out and have beautiful conversations with beautiful people. I want to take pictures of them and thank them.
I want to explore, I want to not be sick. I want to write poetry and have something to write. i want to do a radio show on KUMM
i want to start acting again, or doing improv or public freak outs or something creative I want to travel. I want to make up speeches and give them in front of audiences and have them take notes even though i am making up the info. I want relationships and i want freedom, I want love and support, and i want to give it, i want to dabble with things that arent okay for me to dabble with and test the waters limits and such.
I want the idea of fences to be a temporary thing.



I want to experience life, not have it happen while I hold back and cling to things i should do.
I dont want regrets. I dont want pain that diminishes my love. I want to love and love freely and openly. without worry of people getting hurt, without morals, I want the beauty of sharing wholeness, like carrying the bricks without the weight. I want the strength again to be nurturing. I crave beauty, excitement, wonder, extreme, happiness, joy, but also passion, animal like, filthy beautiful, music overwhelming, connectedness, rush of flowing waves, warmth with a breeze.

The epic battle between good and evil. Well kind of, i mean if evil uses a fork...








and some lyrics about happiness and joy (which im sure i have posted before)

Alegria
Come un lampo di vita
Alegria
Come un pazzo gridar
Alegria
Del delittuoso grido
Bella ruggente pena,
Seren
Come la rabbia di amar
Alegria
Come un assalto di gioia

Alegria
I see a spark of life shining
Alegria
I hear a young minstrel sing
Alegria
Beautiful roaring scream
Of joy and sorrow,
So extreme
There is a love in me raging
Alegria
A joyous,
Magical feeling

Alegria
Como la luz de la vida
Alegria
Como un payaso que grita
Alegria
Del estupendo grito
De la tristeza loca
Serena
Como la rabia de amar
Alegria
Como un asalto de felicidad

I hate the feeling of jealousy more than anything, well short of like rejection and loss, and maybe severe worry. but i mean of the things faced on a regular basis. I hate it because not only am I untrusting, not viewing the world positively, thinking bad thoughts, being negative etc. but also because knowing that im feeling those things makes me so mad at myself. So im sitting there pissed off at the world and equally pissed off at myself and for some reason cant stop. so much negativity wrapped around me like a blanket and it makes me warm with frustration and helps repeat the cycle.

(im mad at myself cuz i have no reason to be jealous, i shouldnt feel insecure i should praise and thank those for what they can offer)

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im hanging out with alexis manana, i was looking forward to it immensely before this weekend and now im back in negativity but i have a counseling appointment tomorrowo and that usually makes me feel better, or like i can handle things.
so maybe it will be ok.
im not sure what she expects, i expect to try to sneak in some studying while we are hanging out and take some pictures. we discussed possibly getting our fortunes read, which is something i feel i been needing lately for some reason, a lack of illy in my life to tell me things are aight on a more spiritual plain i think.

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I had a really good time at the bar the other night, possibly one of the first bar experiences i really enjoyed something about a band and a costume party.
i spent like 20$ and only had a coke. (i owed everyone drinks or money)
It made me really happy to hear krystin had a good time, and alicia too. I felt a little distracted like I wasnt being a good host sort of guy (for some reason i felt like that was my job) anyway it was the highlight of my weekend i think.

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I went to the rfc the fitness center today and went through one of my at the drive in cds twice while doing some power walking type treadmill work.
calories dont come off easy when u are trying but i think since we are constantly burning them doing normal activities as well, it will be ok. Im not sure it will happen but im trying to tell myself that i will go three times a week from now on. So that im in shape for traveling. walk the hills without leg and backpain.
I wouldnt want to hold the girl back, complaining and such.
oh by the way i only went like a little over 3.5 miles. so thats not great, but its a good start considering i never exercise.
and getting off treadmills is fun, cuz walking seems so easy and free afterwards.


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today in my history class i think i got cocky. I didnt mean too. I tend to feel like i have some extra sources in that class, or some extra experience, but i dont really think of myself as smarter by any means, but then someone will say something and i feel the need to correct them like its my place which it certainly isnt. I drew a pirate girl today in honor of laurel our floor pirate/ RA but i didnt have the guts to give it to her.

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I had a talk with eagan last night. He said he had love for me in a very connected type way. we talked a lot about love and its many forms as well as the perversions of beautiful things, such as pornography. But my state was loneliness before the convo and this i felt like we were doing that thing little kids do where they talk in monologues to eachother rather than have conversations. (we werent but i felt like it)

I of course dont know the order here, more photos to come (the adventures of the pumpkin man?)
anyway um Kelsey Our cow girl from first year (she milks cows, and goes to willmar now) It had been so long since i had seen her it was great.
Uh eva with short hair (sad, but it looked good)
Me and the b day girl, she was taking down tequila sunrises with a passion
Ashley and I, notice she is keeping her distance (a little weary of park boys?)
and Alexis with her one of her prize winning costumes (she designed her friends to be the cast of clue) anyway.
yeah

Anyway have fun. Sorry about the post above this... (which i havent written yet but i know will be depressing again.