Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I told myself and others I wouldn't do this, and yet, here I am, and its hard to think of anything else to think about...

I was playing comp games in avoidance of homework I really need to do, there is no one around they all went home this weekend and I stayed and hoped to get some shit done, time passes I have spent far more time doing things I shouldn't do than doing the shit I need to.

So I was playing games. And with every second not necessarily enjoying myself but not unhappy, just lonely with every second. See I use to play games here and there would be people to play them with, or someone around to watch. Or someone (if the pictures hint enough) who wanted me to stop playing and give he some attention. So now I think about how something is missing every time I do anything round here. I complained to my counselor that I got depressed after coming home at 2:00 AM on a sun morning, I rushed here. The cats I found were happy to see me welcoming, and me... I got to confront the fact that things change. Im supposed to be finding things that I like to do, read books, write paint, listen to music watch movies, why? With whom? And why does it matter? It aint all that much fun anymore...
I got no one to report to and no one who is happy to see me at the end of the day, and no one who im waiting to see. To live for oneself, is a lonely and harsh thing. Im missing something I really really loved.
I thought I was getting over this shit...
with each day I find more things to feel shitty about.
and to be honest, when I meet new people have new adventures to be excited about, well you forget that thing about having someone to share it with.
and I love my friends don't get me wrong, I love yall, I'd do just about anything for yall... but I don't expect u to fill voids and ur all well aware u cant.

so when I screw up for 6 months or throw myself away or lower my standards or hurt someone unintentionally, well its cuz im desperate for something missing.



don't get me wrong in this, im not asking for her back, at least not right now. I don't want that, I don't want to chain her down now that shes flying, and I don't want to keep myself from processing shit I need to process, im just saying I feel pretty damn shitty about it right now. And its hella hard to be motivated about shit when everything don't seem right in the first place.
and I'm fine with it to the extent I can be, cuz this is how its supposed to be.
fucked up.