lets see, these are all from sat. (with more to come)

Jim and Max before the parties.
Tom as a mummy
Russ and shawn of the dead (lobster)
scary mike the rock who wont put the knives down
and rictus as nerds. (fuckin rocking the met)

"Kiss and kill your boyfriend!
And all rich ones, too
Rich kids of the world unite! Rich kids of the

Dime on the bleachers
Head says not that far away
But the only way up is down
And i keep falling
Flip it again, but the answer
Hasn't spared its change

Doesn't matter how much time
You'll never forget that forgetting's required
Served on a platter of fakes!
It's inevitable!
We're proud to be pricks
We're proud to be assholes
We're proud to be assholes
We're proud to be assholes
We're proud to be assholes

Picking up the pieces one by one!
Picking up the pieces one by one!
Picking up the pieces!
Picking up the pieces one by!

Don't let it, dont let it ride
dont let it ride dont let dont let it ride

Answer, someone, anyone
Won't you pick up the pieces
You left behind?
Answer, someone, anyone
Won't you pick up the pieces
You left behind?

Kiss and Kill your boyfriend!!!" ~at the drive in

Dont know what order they are in, but petes bar (cant remember if i have posted those pics before) made by pete's friends Becky and myself, and a new painting i did which i think i entitled "purgatory" but fuck names
and uh andy playing with the beeds (the best band on campus) at the talent show
and uh krystin at the bar early on her 21st.




So im pretty fucked up right now, its a mix of pissed off and sad and frustrated and worried about homework. I dont want to explain but couldnt if i wanted to and im sick of writing stupid shit on here complaining all the time. THe truth is most days and most of the time, shit is fucken beautiful and even when its not it still is. Im just too caught up in the beauty to understand and respect it.

If anyone sees me acting different (in a bad way) in the next few weeks months, make sure to tell me.

aimee i got your message but i have to run, and pick becky up, i will try to call you later peace and love

this post isnt meant to hurt or frustrate anyone, im not asking for help, or anything either, but if i unintentionally piss anyone off or alarm anyone, know that its not my intent and i will be happy to clear stuff up as best i can, but this is me just thinking out loud getting some feelings out etc




I found out i dont have strep, just a cold, and no excuse to skip
classes, and then it changed into different symptoms, but im glad i got
some sleep its good for me. Becky and I might be going to a movie
tonight, at least i hope so. I have been so weird lately. I wanted to
tell this kid in my class i was jealous of him. I felt like it was so
stupid i needed to confess, and i would have had he shown any interest in
looking up from his comicbook. But i know how that is too. You always
want to finish whatever you are reading but with comics the action/drama
never stops so its hard to find a place...


___________________________________________________________________________
_________

Im really starting to worry about leaving. we have like 7 weeks left of
school i think, and then its like a week and a half, or not even, a week
to tell everyone i love them before i leave them again, possibly for good.
I will be stressed this is another reason i want to be on
antidepressants. I dont want to think about how i have completely wasted
the only opportunity i may ever get to truly get to know some people. I
came to this school because certain people went here. I never connected
with any of them the way i wanted to. When i see them i feel ashamed, in
the case of tim and kristen I have forgiven myself to some extent because
I can see how excited they were to move on, how they had been eager in
fact. With andy and ashley I dont feel like i have any excuse once so
ever except being shy, apathetic, self centered and such. I feel like i
have wasted so much opportunity, even to show them how much i like them. I
dont feel like i could ever convince them at this point-- they could only
ask "well why didnt you ever hang out?" and i would say "cuz im an
idiot" and it wouldnt be good enough.

and then there is becky. I tear up at the thought. (im gonna get really
angsty here, but most of this is about my feelings, my thoughts, my worries
not her) I tried to ask myself if i was exaggerating my feelings, if i
was turning her into something shes not, and im sure i always have in my
mind, the way i glorify all of my friends in my head, but as far as my
feelings go, I asked myself if i was just trying to hold onto something
that was gone, and then remembered i came to these conclusions before she
left.
and now im leaving. ----a week ago even i was thinking how great this
escape would be for me, for me to get away get some distance. Now it
seems like cutting off my head or something. like im gonna lose
everything. When i think about it logically everything is fine, we will
both move on etc. we can be friends it will be good i dont have to
worry or care so much. When i feel it, its not exciting, it hurts.
its not escape to find whole self, its cutting off a leg and limping away.
It hurts to think how quick we will grow apart, how she wont be here next
year, how she may have moved on already. I feel like im losing my last
chance to be around a person who has given me in many ways, not all, but
in many ways (even ways i didnt know were possible) like everything i
wanted. I may have appeared content, I was happy. I was challenged,
I was valued and supported. and its true that i may remember and think
fondly on our relationship, maybe idealize her within it. But until i
met her i didnt know these things were possible in a relationship and as
much i look forward to having them with others. I doubt now, that they
will be possible again. I doubt now, because i didnt necessarily
recognize and most certainly wasnt able to hold on to one of the best
things that ever happened to me, in such a way that hasnt happened before,
I have lost friends. I have had troubles, but things worked out. I
worry that i will lose this one.

___________________________________________________________________________
_______
it brings up every shred of my insecurity on a regular basis, i become
emotional at random times for no reason, and it reminds me how fragile i
am. how hurt frustrated and defensive i can get, how uncaring. It
reminds me how much i want to care about people, how much it happens with
out my approval and how vulnerable i am when they dont need me the way i
need them. it reminds me things change, and i dont have control and
that scares the hell out of me, even when i like the changes, (if they
happen when im not prepared)

I wrote that post about hurting myself with thoughts, i think thats why
I do it. so i feel like i have control over my reactions in case those
things happen.
I think about horrible things so i can react calmly, so i can be reliabe,
so im secure.

This is my stepsister Ali, I could say a lot of things here but i wont. Instead I will comment on the picture and the fact that by 15 she is doing things I still havent been able to work up the self discipline to do. And she sounds good, like she played a few notes and i could tell each song and everything. We joked about how you learn the beginning of like 5 songs and dont know the rest, but shes a good kid. If i didnt feel horribly guilty about the way that i treated her in the past i would be able to say without difficulty that im proud of her and like to think of her as a little sis.

I think,

I spend the hours thinking things, to hurt myself, so that when they come true, it doesn't hurt so bad. No surprises that way, security that way.



(and as a side note added later, so yall don't worry, I think im gonna get myself on antidepressants soon)

sick,

I dont know what it is
but it isnt fun
is it socially acceptable to hang out with people?
when sick...
Spreading like fire throughout the dorms,
screw smoke detectors
disease detectors
screening out the infectors

I dont do it too often, but occassionally i get stuck on a song, for a bit, and im not saying thats happening right now, but if it were it would be this song by sage francis I highlighted my fav parts of the verse
"sea lions"
(A healthy distrust)

(Will Oldham ((guest on album))
The force of my love was strong
The sea lion laying down on
The song in the air
Was fritting her care
With singer can be among song
(x2)

(Sage Francis)
Ma, ma look what I did ma
Look what I did to my hands
I broke 'em
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel
Didn't say how to hold 'em
Didn't say give away every piece of the puzzle
Till I was left with nothin'
But I took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dustGet in the bus, hop in the van
Jump in the water, crawl to the land
Build another castle out of the sand
Break it down and then I get into the saddle again
Gone city to city
I'm already lost to the boss
Who is new in town
I'ma ride this horse till it bucks me off
And I'm forced to shoot it down
I'ma take him out for some gasoline
I'ma trade this cow for some magic beans
Make mom proud of the deals that I've made
Cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed
But I'm glad that I never passed the gins
And I never put down the axe
Piano man got checkered dance floor
The grace and the painful look on his face
Cause the crowd is packed
And the louder they clapped
The less he is able to make the connection
Between what he sees when he hears certain notes
And the hurt that is shown in his facial expression
I don't need your 'go-ahead' to go ahead
Y'all don't know if sales gon' be-easy
But sweet Jesus who wants to sleep with me
Way to many moves to learn
But not enough people to put 'em on
Look it mom
No hands
I built a suit of armor with wooden arms


The force of my love was strong
The sea lion laying down on
The song in the air
Was fritting her care
With singer can be among song
(x2)

if you havent figured it out yet they only let me put 5 of these pics at a time up.

These are from my gramp's funeral. I was suprised, I felt like there was a difference between these soldiers and the ones I see today, they seemed to feel proud about their time served, and without guilt, and it was sort of reassuring. I dont know what order those pics will be in, but my mom did the service and highlighted the fact that my grandpa was a medic because he was somewhat of a pacifist and as much as i wasnt sure about that connection, i liked that she said it -in trying to make connections to our family.

things are decidedly mopey around here. This kid (i dont know him) died yesterday. People feel sad, some guilty, and some are just sick that others arent respecting the situation, and others are just sick or tired. but im sure some are trying to make things better so good luck to em eh?

so those are some pics from the open mic i recently sucked it up at. I was just sad man, but thats cool i'll learn from it. anyway there was some awesome stuff, missy and joe the prof, played some spanish style improv jazz stuff (i cant think of actual terms right now) doc (the jazz director) read dry ass jokes as he hosted like "a hot dog walks in to a bar, and the bartender says "we dont serve food here"" or something like that. termites is the bar tender here?
anyway, also ya got some well established cats Huck with his yuke *at top*(spelling) hes funny as hell, and eagan *second* who played that song from donnie darko, madworld, and also reed * bottom pic* played he had a style all his own and i digged it like mad. I think i described it as something like funky river folk music or something kind of dylan-esqe as well.

also this kid (not pictured) read a poem in which he had a convo between a vampire and a date rapist and although it was scary it was really interesting, brilliant like, abby read some stuff too which i liked a lot but i came in late cuz i ran to the bathroom, and a streaker ran by outside during her very serious reading which was sad.




after me and laurel drove back to the cities, i feel like i really relate to her in a lot of ways but things were a bit uncomfortable due to circumstances, and i talked too much. and i felt bad. but i like her a lot shes good people like mad.

I must have a big head, (very egotistical) cuz i spend all day staring at myself and drawing these.

my lil brother, my gramps, my big brother and his girl, my pops.



i have weird dreams, this weekend has been fucked up. I still got two papers to write (technically one for thursday one for fri, but im going home) still havent done any of the homework for tomorrow.


we are trying very hard o find a place to eat. its a hassle with muchas personas

I told myself and others I wouldn't do this, and yet, here I am, and its hard to think of anything else to think about...

I was playing comp games in avoidance of homework I really need to do, there is no one around they all went home this weekend and I stayed and hoped to get some shit done, time passes I have spent far more time doing things I shouldn't do than doing the shit I need to.

So I was playing games. And with every second not necessarily enjoying myself but not unhappy, just lonely with every second. See I use to play games here and there would be people to play them with, or someone around to watch. Or someone (if the pictures hint enough) who wanted me to stop playing and give he some attention. So now I think about how something is missing every time I do anything round here. I complained to my counselor that I got depressed after coming home at 2:00 AM on a sun morning, I rushed here. The cats I found were happy to see me welcoming, and me... I got to confront the fact that things change. Im supposed to be finding things that I like to do, read books, write paint, listen to music watch movies, why? With whom? And why does it matter? It aint all that much fun anymore...
I got no one to report to and no one who is happy to see me at the end of the day, and no one who im waiting to see. To live for oneself, is a lonely and harsh thing. Im missing something I really really loved.
I thought I was getting over this shit...
with each day I find more things to feel shitty about.
and to be honest, when I meet new people have new adventures to be excited about, well you forget that thing about having someone to share it with.
and I love my friends don't get me wrong, I love yall, I'd do just about anything for yall... but I don't expect u to fill voids and ur all well aware u cant.

so when I screw up for 6 months or throw myself away or lower my standards or hurt someone unintentionally, well its cuz im desperate for something missing.



don't get me wrong in this, im not asking for her back, at least not right now. I don't want that, I don't want to chain her down now that shes flying, and I don't want to keep myself from processing shit I need to process, im just saying I feel pretty damn shitty about it right now. And its hella hard to be motivated about shit when everything don't seem right in the first place.
and I'm fine with it to the extent I can be, cuz this is how its supposed to be.
fucked up.

oh what a wild and whacky world of weirdness.

all mixed up dont know what to do, next thing you turn around and find that person is you

um yesterday i discovered i have mutant super hero powers (check face book) so i guess i need to live a life of fighting crime and working the steets (thats right...)

um so i gots to get all this shit done before thursday so that i dont fall even further behind in my classes. Geography is kicking my ass, psych and child psych are being piss ants and uh the other two should be ok...

uh i got another B on psych test, and actually spent a lot of time studying (tricky fucking multiple choice psych tests) you know what im talking bout.

in other news fuck spaghetti sauce.

some pics at the request of aimee, who is pictured, nick h, lauren + illy + lacey, naked dan and random crap

Turn up the volume on your speakers and blast these songs from flight of the conchords

Its business time
Sometimes when I freestyle I lose confidence
ooh could somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees

you ever just sitting around and realize, "jesus im desperate right now.." not like horney i mean i know that shit im talking about just being depressed and lonely and having the sneaking suspician that if certain people would give u attention everything would be ok.
what a horrible fucking feeling. (in conjunction with knowing not only wont they, but they probably wont ever again)

this wont be the first time posting lyrics to this song, but no one reads this blog anyway and it fits my mood JF "the days have turned"

"The days have turned away from me
The lights no longer shine on my head
And people turn away from me
No more do they look to me with respect
Well, i know now
It's the first time
That was fun
Now from life i've resigned
When i feel i've got problems
How wrong i am
I'm awaiting life as another man
Don't crowd me
There's riddles in the shadows
They're thrown the way that i'd expect
And people never seem to know
What they least suspect is coming next
Well it seems like time's elapsed
And i've stabbed life in the back
I'm searching for what it means
To never be anything, anything
And i know now
It's the first time that was fun
Now from life i've resigned
When i feel i've got problems
How wrong i am
I'm awaiting life as another man
Hey now"

Things really started looking up, there for a sec. It was really nice, a good reminder of the possible. Its funny how fast things change even when you're trying desperately to fight it. Maybe im not trying hard enough. Maybe I dont have the skills, the training or the support needed.
I dont really want to go in to details, cuz I wouldn't want anyone to get the impression im mad with them or anything I just wish we could hold things together better. I wish my fragile state was a bit less fragile so that I was actually dependable right now. I wish others could be depended on (I don't mean anything by this except to acknowledge we are all frail at times).
I wish I had counseling appointments twice a week rather than once, because its hard to get through the week sometimes, and at other times things are so good we might be able to get something accomplished.

I tried to write today for like 2 hours. I was listening to sage Francis and some other stuff and trying to just freestyle into something cool since I didn't have a topic. I wrote one other poem but it isn't any good either. Its disappointing I thought maybe I was gonna get back on the trolley, the open mic is like 2 weeks from now and I have nothing new. Its harsh to be riding high and then fall so quick. Its harsh that one of my main coping mechanisms is a vice im trying to get over and failing at... and its harsh that the people I would normally talk to have their own shit to deal with and I feel even worse cuz I wish I could be there for them.

Im not as excited about the future anymore. This could change in a heartbeat and I hope it does. But plans aren't as exciting when they become realistic, intricately wound with all the casual failings of actual reality.

its also funny, cuz if i though faking cheery would help, i might consider it, but it seems like everyone is aware shit is stupid right now, like october is the off month, and we all scrape by to see if we can survive.

These are some places i been, etc. (sorry if its so small u cant see it.) The other pic is in prep for the upcoming holiday

Things have been weird lately, not sure what people are expecting of me and what to necessarily expect from others. I mean in general i think things are really good, but its hard to feel that way entirely when cats around u might not feel the same way.

I know i have been neglecting my studies... I got a psych test on friday that im worried about cuz i got a B on the last one, i gots to at least get that + this time... oh well.

I took Reina (becky's horse) out all by myself yesterday and it was actually kind of nice, not only like accomplishing that, but i miss having animals around. She is not a cat, and so i really have no understanding of what she wants or needs from me but it was nice anyway. dont tell becky or she will want me to do it all the time. I dont know it was odd. normally im so afraid of gettin dirty that i dont even want to touch them, but it was different maybe cuz it was just us.

Hmmm things are confusing its like being sick. one minute u think u are well on your way to recovery the next u are running to call the dinosours (tossing your cookies)

Im really neglecting a lot. I talked to Sarah F yesterday and i sort of miss a lot of cats who have fallen out of my life - sort of fear i pushed them out.

its hard to balance what i want, what my needs are, what im just being selfish about, whats ok with that, and what others need, want, must have, would appreciate etc.

last night i gave in and purchased two games that will be coming out by the end of the month, age of empires 3 and civ 4 i was all excited, today i got my geography test back and it was a c- now its true there are projects and shit in that class but i cant be getting c-'s in a class like that. I use to fall asleep in geography in highschool and wake up whenever i heard silence, answer the question and fall back asleep. Or me and the teacher would have our own little conversation while the class slept... she loved me. whats the difference, its not really all that harder, i just need to work more.

taking 21 credits is gonna get me a bunch of B's

The paper got my name wrong, thats coo. im not bitter (really im not i just thought it would be funny to pretend like i was)anyway i dont have shit to say... homework

i was trying to describe something but it ends up looking more like fun with alliteration


Bare boned, bruised in baring the brunt
thrashed and thorned,
construed to carry
self made, sacrificial salvation
dreams of departure, dreary desolate and dire
ideally intelligent the itinerant is, and irrepressible in
mind, though menial, the more so magnificent

I feel my standards slipping for schoolwork and as it slips so falls my motivation, and when i get grades I ask myself if i knew it would be that bad and im not all that suprised. I can do better, odd hows 5 years ago i would have told myself off for implying something like grades are important.

but also when i think about it, we are all letting things slip, and schoolwork may not be the most important, thses gray days fuck with our focus and the rain the floods the 40 days and nights , well Im not so sure i can make it...

So far it looks very likely that I will be going to europe next semester. I e mailed andtalked to one of my profs today and he said he thought it would work out, suggested some profs to talk to and said he assumed things would be fine.
so now i check with those profs, suggest some directed studies and then talk to the teacher who is doing my india trip and if all that seems like it will work then 98% chance of going I'd say.

I would be out of town from like dec 27 till like summer, or maybe well into summer depending on illy and/or becky.



in other news counseling was interesting today, we did a form of free association and though im not sure how far we got (i feel like there is just millions of things to cover-and it will take forever) we were making some progress, he asked me why i hadnt mentioned seeing luke fall from a slide across the park from my house, and possibly thinking he was dead, cuz he asked me about child hood trauma a few weeks ago. I told him i had forgotten, or it didnt seem important cuz luke turned out fine. but i think it really did reinforce my overprotective worrying side. He also thinks I was really bored sometimes as a child and though we didnt get into it much, that me and james may have reversed normal childhood roles during the hectic periods in our lives. If that is true, i think it would be because james was old enough to know what was going on with our parents and was pissed about it and well aware that it was out of his control, i wasnt old enough and so i thought i could help work things out. I tend to think me and james switched roles ( in some ways) when he stopped talking to my dad. anyway...
psychoanalysis

i really need to go write a paper and do a ton of other homework.

My brother is this dudes campaign manager, his name is Mark Ritchie and he is running for secretary of state in MN, the lady is rebecca otto and she is running for state auditor, and they both seem very cool and nice and seem like they are trying to get some good shit done

As much as i seem to hate the american flag, (not what it represents) but what it seems to stand for these days. (Its tarnished and ought to be burned)

but anyway on our trip to Glacier I caught this one hanging from a fire truck and it looked pretty nice, some small town in montana as if we could forget its ruinous habits and live small town american dreams again

parades and apple pie
soldiers who dont worry about dyin

i use to put this damn song on all my mixes but then it got overplayed, and now when hearing it randomly off itunes it sounds beautiful again

Cream "tales of brave Ulysses"

"You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

And the colors of the sea blind your eyes with trembling mermaids,
And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses:
How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,
For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,
And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.
And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,
Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

Her name is Aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,
And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands
With tales of brave Ulysses; how his naked ears were tortured
By the sirens sweetly singing.

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter."

missing this girl, hoping to spend some time with her in a few months...

So i am avoiding the dreaded homework (2 short papers and a test to study for) but i have many hours, and at least a moon. Listening to Linus. Oh indy emo punk...
pretty sad that they are better than sparta.

anyway. Uh the retreat was awesome, i had a really good time, tried to listen more than i talked and felt like there were a lot of people who i would really want to get to know. Im not gonna name any of em, they tended to be my age (I wonder if that says something) I have been missing out on some things me thinks at the end of the retreat i felt kind of sad because although i will see these cats again we wont have anymore of these kinds of things, its always that trip you know? the one where u fall in love and are ripped out of it, in like seconds. (i dont think i loved them, but i do get crushes easily, which never turn in to anything)
one of the chicas is going to india with us, which i have been looking forward to more than any other trip, but what saddens me is that i know it will be that same kind of trip "fallout of love again, your dreams all end.."~jf anyway yeah especially if i stay in europe, like "hey cats i love all of you, i will never see you again" (some of them are graduating-they my age)
HMMM

so yes, yes (the build up of the song) "cut your ribbon, as it follows you, everything! everything! how can you sleep at night?! as it falls apart, anything! anything! how can you sleep at night???" (switched to sparta)


as you can see i figured out pics for blogger again, but i dont know what i have to post...

um yeah shit happened yesterday as in nada, i saw one of the ladies from the retreat at the store of happy intoxication I thought it was funny but felt like a complete goon cuz I am embarassed around new people who i want to be friends with.


oh shit i am getting fucking boring on here, pssssss

(This is not about anyone, just a mental image I had, on the way home from Alexandria)


The secrets she held
wove and strung so
tightly
twisting
winding
the string binding
her breath, her
free range
her stomach
tightened and leather bound
the secrets so intricately wound
her own heart beat the kick of a gun
like
bang Bang BANG BANG!
and with each beat she is frightened again
and with each breath she sucks in and tightens again
and through this trend, stumbles and yearns for a friend
but her hand is cold and numb
and with out feeling,
so she don't believe her eyes and assumes that you lie
her secrets too shy, to release
and so the pressure increases
shakily she stands alone till her trembling
overworked heart
ceases...

This is the painting i been working on, its very pink which i didnt realize till the end, but thats what cheap red watercolor gets ya, sucka