Nearing the end of Jan

I am lost in the news again today. Every day seems to be a pull back into the atmosphere in which we live. Now we are at the stage in which the federal government is starting to notice, removing officials, toning down the rhetoric... but it won't be enough. The struggle will continue.

This morning, I found myself anxious, anticipating the day... I only have three clients today, only three yesterday, and yet I felt anxious about whether I could handle and complete all my tasks. There is always a tension between what must be done versus what I'd like to do. 

I've been generally following through with all my major tasks, and stumbling along with the minor ones. Getting stuff done. But not to the degree I'd like it to be done. Trying to figure out the next steps and what needs to be done (long and short term).

Need new glasses. Need a haircut and it would probably be better if it was professionally done. 

I have these things I'd like to do, like play guitar, write more, read more, exercise more... but I find myself stuck in a cycle of watching the news... and then trying to hustle to get stuff done, and then watching more news. And maybe only committing 20 minutes to what I'd hoped would be a 40 minute investment in myself. 

I suppose I have been able to get to a few protests... which was good. 

I feel mixed around how I am showing up in therapy, but at the same time, I don't really feel ashamed of it... Just aware that I am not always showing up as well adjusted as I'd like to be. But I notice my clients feel relieved when they see me experience it too. Like they can relax that it isn't just them. Thats also what I experienced at the protest on Saturday, the crowd's anger spoke for me. Made it easier to sit with it all. 

I am so proud of my state, and so scared that we won't learn from this. That we won't demand actual change, once we have relief. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe I can be hopeful.

I am questioning my voice a lot. I don't know how much to say or when... but I do need to speak up more. 

I am unsure what is happening with my billing and money... hoping it all comes out ok, but feels like there is a lot of delayed payments right now. I want to believe I can make a living doing this without burning out, but I am hesitant to take on more clients right now, and there are some who are leaving and or reducing appointments. "gotta make a living" but also I know I am living above my means. I need to reduce my costs at home and work, but the biggest costs are rent related, and I am not in a rush to move when it feels like I am still getting settled  -oh and the world is on fire. 

More later I guess.