Its a Sunday. I slept in because the only time sensitive plans I had were cancelled yesterday. I was social the last couple days, and figured I'd be using the day to prep for the week and do nothing.
At some point in the very early morning I considered avoiding my computer and phone all day. I need to do that more often. But I figured I was gonna do some work today, and probably watch church online.
It's been kind of wild day in an odd way. When I woke up I had this slight awareness that nothing was real. That the stories I tell myself to propel me through the day, to motivate, to get shit done, to have goals, to have accomplishments, to have relationships or a personality... none of it is really real. The feeling has come and gone throughout the day. It's not quite depersonalization or ego death, its more just a glimpse of that. It's not quite depression, but I could see it turning to that if I listened. I did some stuff, some laundry, made a smoothie, did the dishes, got groceries. I ate breakfast and lunch, I texted a few people...
But the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I can concentrate and focus, other times not. I can watch shit and not lose interest, laugh along with stuff, be impressed. But I also sometimes have a thought and it slips away without anything happening... and that is kind of off putting while at the same time I am not sure it matters once I am in the mindless state.
I watched a video that said all the red flags are you, and I agreed with every point about that personality I have and its weird stories. I watched a hypnosis video that called attention to your mass/matter, and thought how funny it is that we gain and lose mass/matter without ever noticing or feeling different that part of me is new of changed.
I watched church online and I was curious about the drama behind the scenes. One of my favorite church leaders is leaving the church and he hinted that it had been a hard time for him. Another left about 6 months ago... what is going on? Part of me wondered if I also want to leave that church? It was a new member ceremony and it felt odd to welcome people into a community that I was feeling less, communal with.
I dunno, its been an odd thing today. At one point I got sleepy and sat on the couch and basically fell asleep, I went and took a nap. The sun set. Time passes. Suddenly it was 5:30... where has the day gone? What does it matter?
I have some work I want to get done tonight still. And I know I need to eat dinner. And I was planning on journaling or something... I gues this is that.
On friday I hung out with E, made salmon, read tarot. The time went quick, but I was nervous and odd the whole time. I felt like I was trying to make her happy, but also averse to making her happy. It was weird. I am not sure who I am or what I want to be. She asks me so many questions... last night I had dinner with Illy and she was doing the same. I talked and talked and somehow in talking and feeling more and more myself, I also felt like I was losing myself. Its and odd feeling.
I saw some of my teacher coworkers yesterday and we went for a walk at 9 mile creek down in bloomington and it was beautiful. At some point we talked about politics and I got so angry, and then I realized my vision had completely narrowed and I was only looking down at the path in front of me instead of marveling at the beauty around me. It was so simple to change focus, but it felt like in being wide eyed, I'd lost all ability to name, direct, control.
I was telling illy I feel like I've lost my ability to trust people... or maybe its more like I expect everyone and everything to fail... and I don't trust my ability to get back up?
I am living so unnaturally, a whole day off to do nothing, alone... I wonder how many humans who weren't exiled from their community ever did that.
I am not sure what I wanted to say. I have been eating too much, and preparing to hibernate.
My tarot cards today were the hanged man, the hermit, the 7 of swords and the 7 of wands. I thought I was taking time off to figure out who i was and what i wanted to do with my time and energy... turns out I was just being a lump, disconnected from reality... and maybe thats how I actually spend most of my time, disconnected and pretending that I am connected?
Who knows.
I better make some dinner or something.
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