The count down to me quitting my job and starting my own business… the 11 days is how many days I have left at the job. Each day over the last few weeks I’ve been having conversations with clients and coworkers about the change. Trying to prep clients, trying to leave on positive terms with everyone. Over the weekends I’ve been doing paperwork to prepare. The weekdays paperwork and business stuff to prepare. It basically feels like I’m gonna have 2 months of nonstop… then what?
Today I was thinking I need to strike the right balance between workaholic and the bare minimum… after all, I will be entirely responsible for my own welfare… health insurance, retirement, day to day living expenses, business expenses… it’s all gonna be on me.
This past week had been kind of funny. Some distancing from E again. Lots of prep for the changes… sorted my cd collection and got rid of half.. cleaned out a closet or two.
Kept telling myself I was gonna go to a movie - but also that I needed to get stuff done before hand.
On Friday I saw Christ and Jared, two of my old roommates and friends from college who I haven’t kept in touch with and basically haven’t seen for 10 years. It was nice to catch up and also brought up a lot of thoughts.
We went to a kind of swanky rooftop restaurant, not the kind of place any of us would have chosen in the past. It was full of young people who were dressed up and on the town for an evening… a different culture in a way. We caught up and discussed our very separate lives and it was lovely, and awkward. But I really appreciated it.
I also had some recognitions… most of that group of college friends has stayed in touch, they go to weddings and reunions and birthdays and I haven’t been invited to most, but those I have been invited to- I chose not to attend… and I’m not sure why. But if I go back to the theme of therapy last week, I seem to believe that the only people who want me around are the ones that need me… or something. And that group never needed me. I needed them. They were fun, and funny, and interesting, and playful and talented. And I hung around them because it filled me with creativity and beauty. But even when I lived with them, I didn’t go out of my way to indulge. I kept my distance because I was a burnt out teacher who was putting every bit of energy into other things… and then I left for Latin America. And when I got home I wanted to reach out, but felt too different, felt like they wouldn’t want me around or didn’t need me… and so it was better to focus on building a new life. I did. I wrote for a year, went to grad school, had new friends and new relationships and fell out of touch. I don’t regret it, but at the same time I also know I have missed them the whole time and I didn’t do anything about that.
I’ve been thinking about it this weekend, how I had excuses like being busy, and not having a place I felt comfortable inviting them to. (I lived in shared shithole places with roommates I didn’t always feel comfortable with). Then I lived alone, but it was covid for a few years. Then I was in a relationship and started a new job, and was taking on new responsibilities… and so many reasons to fall out of touch… but also I missed them. Still looked up to them. Still wanted them in my life, but didn’t make time or effort.
I’d been anxious to see them because it feels like a different life time. Like how most of my favorite bands played this weekend at a festival and I didn’t go, because who wants to spend all day outside in a hot field? A younger me would have loved that,
These different lives I’ve lived… each with a different vibe.. different friends, different path forward. There is some mixing and I’m glad when it happens, but I guess I’ve become verycompartmentalized these days. I suppose it’s natural given the jobs I’ve had. But how to live a more free and integrated life? Is it possible?
Been thinking a lot about that as I go forward with this new business and new place. Can I add people and fun back into my life? Can I make room for parts that are important? Old parts? New parts? Can I balance?
Most people haven’t been to my current apartment, and it’s bigger than where I’m moving. But the place I’m moving has other amenities. Will I utilize them?
I don’t really know what I’m looking forward to.
I signed up for a 4 day training in September. I might look into the spiritual direction thing, just for kicks.
Yesterday I slept in, got all the major chores done for the weekend but still felt behind. I had been planning to do a lot of paperwork this weekend, and I didn’t manage to work my way up to it till about 7 last night. Then I did some and I felt better. Less burdened.
Today was similar. Church was amazing.
There was this song I really liked that I’ve never heard but felt like a great response to my anxiety:
“Loosen loosen baby,
you don’t have to carry,
the weight of the world
in your muscles and bones,
let go, let go, let go”
I really love the vibe of the UU church. It’s spiritual, it’s justice, it’s therapy, it’s community, it’s human, it’s natural.
After church went for a walk with dad and Steve. I took a break and then did some paperwork. Took another break then did more.
It’s ok. There is just sooooo much to do. And I’m not sure I’m prepared for tomorrow.. but I also know I have some time off coming up. This week I put in my notice. I booked a massage for Saturday. I’ll probably see Superman tomorrow.
Maybe get rid of some furniture this week.
I dunno, in a few years I’ll forget this time period but it’s a lot of mental overwhelm, and juggling.
Generally though, I feel like I’m preparing for the next phase of life, and I’m too busy moving towards it to feel bad about anything.
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