How many times

 I worked a lot this weekend. Got a lot done. Finished some things today at work. Things are getting set up, things are getting packed up, things are getting tossed, things are getting moved. 

It’s exciting, and sad. New connections to make and some that will be gone. 

I was thinking about how I won’t have coworkers anymore, not really. Maybe a consult group, or partners for projects, but not coworkers. Neighbors yeah. But not sure who I will eat lunch with, or sit and do paperwork with. 

I’ve been crunching numbers, I think 21 per week is like the safe minimum to still make enough to live on. 24 a week would be ideal. More is possible. Lately I think I average between 18-22, so that’s kind of the right fit, except I need to make sure I’m not slacking… I don’t have to work 9 hour days… I can work 7ish, or four days of 8-10? Or 4 days and a half day?

I went to see the fantastic four by myself tonight. A few days ago it was Superman. Both at river view. 

As I was walking out, it was like that magic hour, the green of all the summer life glowed, but it wasn’t bright, and it wasn’t brutal hot. It was just right. And I imagined myself living in that neighborhood, and being happy. 

I was on a strange mood. While peeing after the movie, I wondered how many times I’d peed at that urinal, and then how many times in my life? All the places I’ve so quickly forgotten… I couldn’t describe half the bathrooms I’ve lived with. I couldn’t tell you all the places I’ve slept, or the places I’ve visited… memory is soooo gone.

It’s like, I recall little things. Little moments of feeling mindful, or excited or present, and then gone. 

Why do I recall walking the streets of Santiago chile looking for food at night, but can’t recall the room we stayed in?

Why do I remember thehighway when I used to drive out to mound for work, but not the  names of the people  I met with. 

Why do I remember the things I do, but not the faces of people I’ve claimed to love?

Why is it so easy to spend countless nights, not remembering, glued to a tv, computer or phone screen, tick the night away, and remember nothing. 

It’s funny to have done and seen so many things that it sometimes feels like different life times, and then also realize you’ve not done anything new or novel, not changed your path, or smelled or tasted or felt anything new in sooo long. 

Illy and I were at the bulldog remembering old times, and feeling old, as loud Saturday night people came and went. I don’t go out… so why do I want to live in the city? Why do I want to be around things, but not of them…

I know I’m ready for a change. I’m not sure what the next lifetime will bring, but this one is spent… 

Will there be love? Will there be something worth fighting for? Will there be creativity and novelty? Or will I fall into a new rhythm of the same old?

Grandview or riverview or rosedale? Back and forth? Highland or midway or the quarry? Where will I spend my time? 

Where will I shop? Who will I be in this next life?

I remember wandering Cuenca, wondering why Ottmar Liebert had a little monument, how he’d jumped off my cd player and into real life in this other worldly place where I considered moving too. But I asked Cuenca why it hadn’t brought me any love and told her I had to keep moving on… and that’s me now too.   

Unsure what the future holds,

Not sure how many times I will rebuild my life, make it anew… but I’ve got a few weeks left here, and then onto the next one. 

11 days left

 The count down to me quitting my job and starting my own business… the 11 days is how many days I have left at the job. Each day over the last few weeks I’ve been having conversations with clients and coworkers about the change. Trying to prep clients, trying to leave on positive terms with everyone. Over the weekends I’ve been doing paperwork to prepare. The weekdays paperwork and business stuff to prepare. It basically feels like I’m gonna have 2 months of nonstop… then what? 

Today I was thinking I need to strike the right balance between workaholic and the bare minimum… after all, I will be entirely responsible for my own welfare… health insurance, retirement, day to day living expenses, business expenses… it’s all gonna be on me. 

This past week had been kind of funny. Some distancing from E again. Lots of prep for the changes… sorted my cd collection and got rid of half.. cleaned out a closet or two. 

Kept telling myself I was gonna go to a movie - but also that I needed to get stuff done before hand. 

On Friday I saw Christ and Jared, two of my old roommates and friends from college who I haven’t kept in touch with and basically haven’t seen for 10 years. It was nice to catch up and also brought up a lot of thoughts.

We went to a kind of swanky rooftop restaurant, not the kind of place any of us would have chosen in the past. It was full of young people who were dressed up and on the town for an evening… a different culture in a way. We caught up and discussed our very separate lives and it was lovely, and awkward. But I really appreciated it. 

I also had some recognitions… most of that group of college friends has stayed in touch, they go to weddings and reunions and birthdays and I haven’t been invited to most, but those I have been invited to- I chose not to attend… and I’m not sure why. But if I go back to the theme of therapy last week, I seem to believe that the only people who want me around are the ones that need me… or something.  And that group never needed me. I needed them. They were fun, and funny, and interesting, and playful and talented. And I hung around them because it filled me with creativity and beauty.  But even when I lived with them, I didn’t go out of my way to indulge. I kept my distance because I was a burnt out teacher who was putting every bit of energy into other things… and then I left for Latin America. And when I got home I wanted to reach out, but felt too different, felt like they wouldn’t want me around or didn’t need me… and so it was better to focus on building a new life. I did. I wrote for a year, went to grad school, had new friends and new relationships and fell out of touch. I don’t regret it, but at the same time I also know I have missed them the whole time and I didn’t do anything about that. 

I’ve been thinking about it this weekend, how I had excuses like being busy, and not having a place I felt comfortable inviting them to. (I lived in shared shithole places with roommates I didn’t always feel comfortable with). Then I lived alone, but it was covid for a few years. Then I was in a relationship and started a new job, and was taking on new responsibilities… and so many reasons to fall out of touch… but also I missed them. Still looked up to them. Still wanted them in my life, but didn’t make time or effort. 

I’d been anxious to see them because it feels like a different life time. Like how most of my favorite bands played this weekend at a festival and I didn’t go, because who wants to spend all day outside in a hot field? A younger me would have loved that, 

These different lives I’ve lived… each with a different vibe.. different friends, different path forward.  There is some mixing and I’m glad when it happens, but I guess I’ve become verycompartmentalized these days. I suppose it’s natural given the jobs I’ve had. But how to live a more free and integrated life? Is it possible? 

Been thinking a lot about that as I go forward with this new business and new place. Can I add people and fun back into my life? Can I make room for parts that are important? Old parts? New parts? Can I balance? 

Most people haven’t been to my current apartment, and it’s bigger than where I’m moving. But the place I’m moving has other amenities. Will I utilize them?

I don’t really know what I’m looking forward to. 

I signed up for a 4 day training in September. I might look into the spiritual direction thing, just for kicks. 

Yesterday I slept in, got all the major chores done for the weekend but still felt behind. I had been planning to do a lot of paperwork this weekend, and I didn’t manage to work my way up to it till about 7 last night. Then I did some and I felt better. Less burdened. 

Today was similar. Church was amazing. 

There was this song I really liked that I’ve never heard but felt like a great response to my anxiety:

“Loosen loosen baby, 

you don’t have to carry, 

the weight of the world 

in your muscles and bones, 

let go, let go, let go”

I really love the vibe of the UU church. It’s spiritual, it’s justice, it’s therapy, it’s community, it’s human, it’s natural.

After church went for a walk with dad and Steve. I took a break and then did some paperwork. Took another break then did more. 

It’s ok. There is just sooooo much to do. And I’m not sure I’m prepared for tomorrow.. but I also know I have some time off coming up. This week I put in my notice. I booked a massage for Saturday. I’ll probably see Superman tomorrow. 

Maybe get rid of some furniture this week. 

I dunno, in a few years I’ll forget this time period but it’s a lot of mental overwhelm, and juggling. 

Generally though, I feel like I’m preparing for the next phase of life, and I’m too busy moving towards it to feel bad about anything. 

Mixed feelings again

 Last week, and again today I saw E. We made dinner and did a painting class online tonight and it was fun. But at a certain point I asked her to leave. I didn’t want a repeat of last week, in which I got really confused and then dwelled on it for two days. The same thing will probably happen this week. Because she called me on the way home and I told her how I felt. 

It’s confusing to feel so at home with someone, enjoy their company, and then send them on their way. I love this person. I feel comforted. It genuinely felt like home again last week. But then I got sad and hurt and angry again.

She reminds me of dreams I had and pain I experienced and now I am unsure what the path forward looks like. On the one hand, it would be easy to try again. And on the other, why try when it wasn’t working the first time?

In a month I am opening a business, and moving into a new apartment. It’s a fresh start. And part of me wants that. 

Another part of me feels glad she still loves me and wants a future with me in it, she hints at what that might mean, but doesn’t ask me for any commitment. 

I get so sad and confused. Part of it is that I hate to let her down. Part of it is that when she says these things or hints in certain ways, I’m like … yeah! That’s what I wanted for so long,  my heart broke for that. Part of me will be angry with her tomorrow that she is a year late… why bring it up now when I’m finally getting unstuck?

I told her tonight that I really need to focus and put my energy into these changes I am making. But it still feels so  hollow. Like, it would be one thing if I was super excited about these changes and really pumped to take these steps forward, but it isn’t that. I am taking them because I am sick of being stuck, because I want a direction and the one we had together became impossible… I’m taking them because they are logical and I’m ready for a change… but if I’d had my way, she would have fought harder, and I would have had a partner to work through these changes with. 

But what if she is ready now? What if, as she said on the phone, she’s just 9 months late…

But what has changed really?  I dunno… 

It just makes me sad and confused and feel drained. I told her I have to put my energy into moving forward and maybe when I do, I’ll be more clear about what I really want again. 

I mean, there are more and more days when I feel confident and grateful and optimistic… so maybe in a month or two I’ll feel more solid in that. 

But it’s still hard for now. Hard to feel pulled in two directions. Hard to watch part of your heart, and what you thought might be your future -walk out the door. 

Dreams

 This was text from speech, so it might be a little off

Dreams, the first one. 

I was sitting alone at a picnic table, eating a salad. I looked over to my right and I saw the lnas teachers. But I didn’t join them. They seemed to be having a good conversation. I also noticed that it was sort of potluck style. And I wasn’t sure what I could bring. I started to work on that settling on something that was like cupcakes. While I was doing that I started eating the rest of my lunch. A woman and her friends sat down at the table with me. She sat down across from me and had a veggie dish of some sort with lots of color. She asked me if I liked cabbage. I said “not really” she kinda smirked. I asked her how she cooked it. As I looked at her face, I felt drawn to her, not that she was overwhelmingly attractive. But she had some sort of charm. When she answered my question, I didn’t seem to get all the information I wanted, she was looking away, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling dismissed or just misunderstood. I started to casually comment or chat with the person who sat to my left. But I was trying to formalize another question to get the information I was looking for. I had this idea that she might cook the cabbage like cabbage rolls in Lebanese cuisine. I think I tried to ask her again and again she didn’t fully respond. I wasn’t happy with her response. I made a snarky comment “she probably cooks it with just salt.“ I stopped thinking about it and went back to the rest of my food and finished then got up from the table and as I got up from the table, I noticed she had three arms one of the lower arms was in sync with the arm that I had seen above. So I tried to glance to see if she had a fourth she did. The two below worked in concert with the two above, the two below being obviously weaker somewhat discolored. It was unclear if they could do things on their own or only followed along with the above. Despite having four arms, I kind of looked at her again with admiration, the same way that a Hindu person might, is this an incarnation of God? Well of course, but what does it mean? I got up from the table and tried to throw away my garbage suddenly realizing I was on some sort of college campus. And they had too many options for throwing away garbage. I was trying to read the options and find the right one, but it was very busy in the cafeteria area and I felt like I was in the way.

The second dream. In the second dream, I was hosting a party at a giant modern apartment. It was a fancy place. It was much much much bigger than what I’m moving into. So many rooms -not even knowing their purpose. I knew there were people coming over and then they were there, but I think prior to them all being in the space there was an in between dream where my extended family was there and I wasn’t sure what rooms they were in. And later the question of where are the children sleeping and what time do they need to go to bed? Was one of the 50 million stressors during the party. I guess I wasn’t really that familiar with the space I just knew I had a lot of it and that it needed to be filled. I know there were a few different areas, including a sort of outdoor deck space- Where at one point I ran into illy, who was manically spray-painting blankets, and towels and rugs. She said the Place needed more color or warmth or something. I was worried she was ruining things that I cared about or would cost me a bunch in bills when I moved out.  It must’ve been a housewarming party. Like getting to know, neighbors, etc. because I didn’t really know that many people and they were party people, even though they were more dressed up and wealthy- looking,  real bro energy. At one point, I found myself in an area of the larger apartment building where there was like 100 women getting their nails done and a table set out for local teachers to have a banquet or something.. I think in that part, I was relieved that I got away from the party and wasn’t hosting for a moment, but then of course somebody came and got me. And they got me to fix something probably a toilet, but I wasn’t familiar with the design so their guess was as good as mine. And we had to call the handyman so we did and he was an older dude not judgmental, but clearly not this era. He did a few things had to move to a few different rooms to fix it and eventually did and kind of showed me what to do if it got broken again.  Then, on his way out, he remarked on the device that was for clearing the energy of the space I think? The device needed to be in the sunlight for about 12 hours max and then needed to be moved to the shade and at first felt like a big hassle to me. But he told me his daughter felt the same at first and now swore by it. I asked if she lived in the building, getting the impression that all residents get one at some sort of ceremony.  He said “no, she lives about an hour and a half away, but my son lives in the building.” So, I asked how long his son lived there. but he got it mixed up and started talking about his daughter again. And I didn’t know if I was talking to someone who had dementia, or if there was some sort of code or mystery to uncover in his speech. Whenever I asked about his son he talked about his daughter and when I asked about his daughter, he said she wasn’t around, but his son was. Anyway, when he left, I spent a little time fidgeting with the device and got it set up then I went basically to another room or something, but it was to avoid the party that I was hosting like even though I was in charge I didn’t want to be there, and I also didn’t want to have to tell everyone to leave.

When I woke up, I realized both of these dreams had this theme of being around people, wanting to be part of something but feeling very left out, or in charge but not part of stuff. 

Hosting, taking responsibility, but not fitting in or getting to connect in the way that I want to.

—— 

I imagine that some of this has to do with telling clients this week that I am starting my own business. I have to host a crowd in an unknown space. Make sure they feel welcome, but I don’t necessarily feel excited by the idea of my own business, to me it feels like a lot of work (as of right now).  

I am also moving soon, officially August I will pay double rent, and the new building will be expensive though I don’t think it is very posh. 

I also know that I had my current landlord over to fix the toilet yesterday, so I am sure that is part of that section. 

I have been asking spirit guides and ancestors and everyone in the universe with support for the next steps, guidance, a clear path. I feel like things are going well so far in the initial phases of the transition, but I am also feeling behind and unprepared. 

I am trying to trust that though things may be hard, it is easily solvable. As one of the tarot readers pointed out “you think if something goes wrong, you’re falling off a roof or a cliff, but really you’re just jumping off a table. You could even land on one foot and be ok.” And that really is how it feels. I’m sure there will be some headaches, some letting people down, but I’m ready for something new. 

Once everything is up and running I can relax… but then I’ll need a new thing to take up my time and energy. 

Writing? Painting?

Some sort of training?

Video games and Instagram?

A workshop program for the new business?

Community building in the office space and at the apartment building?

Protests?

Family time?

Dating?

I’m just not sure yet. I really do want everything to be in place before I set out… 

Tonight E is coming over to do some painting. We are gonna have salmon and rice. 

 

The week ahead looks pretty chill, and then on Friday I am meeting up with some Morris people and I feel anxious about it. A past life. I’m sure it will be nice.  I was thinking about how I am on this email chain of SLP guys who are getting together for brunch once a month, and I never respond or go… past life stuff. 

I used to always want to carry my old life with me. Now I seem to be afraid of it? 

Something to recognize I guess. Onwards and upwards?

Been singing “I will be light” all week. Generally feeling very positive and grateful.