This will be 3 or 4 topics I think.
So lets start with preparation and change:
Today is my second day off in a row. I've been taking more time off because I have to use up my PTO before I quit, apparently they don't pay out... which feels illegal, but oh well. Yesterday I woke up early and ran to my office for a delivery of furniture. I don't quite know the wifi password, and didn't have much to do there after the stuff was delivered, so I ran to menards and grabbed a few things. I also set up some visits for apartments in the area. Then I took a long nap in the afternoon, and then walked the lake with my Dad. Today I visited office depot looking at desks... and considered what other things I need (didn't buy anything). I also visited three different apartment buildings, and I think narrowed it down to two of the 4 I have been to. I compared things like the overall vibe, the size and costs, and the surrounding area. All of the apartments are significantly smaller than the one I am living in. Some might even be smaller than my previous apartment, but with much better perks. Do I want that? need that? I dunno.
The whole process of considering moving has been weird. I want to live closer to my new office for 3 basic reasons. 1) I want a change of environment. 2) I want to be able to walk to work. 3) I don't want to be stuck in traffic everyday... My office is in the heart of the city, and regardless of what direction you come from, that could mean traffic. I have sort of lucked out the last few days and its only hit on the way home (an extras 10 minutes), but I was avoiding actual rush hour traffic. The office is back in a semi industrial looking area, some of the spaces have been turned into businesses, and cool murals and stuff... but there is still heavy trucks driving in and out, and big lots, and warehouses... and if I am honest... I am wishing I hadn't signed a lease there.... but its only for a while, and then I can move to another place.
I am trying to have the same attitude about the apartments. I don't want to live in a dump, and I don't really know the area well enough to know which neighborhoods are better than others... They have all these old buildings that have been retrofitted into new apartments (similar to how my office was remade from an industrial building)... and then they also have a lot of bigbox "luxury" apartments. And of course tons of the old smaller, crummier looking ones that I lived in when I was growing up -and which I don't really want anymore.
No matter what, it feels like a stepdown from where I am. Certainly not a step up to a new house... but when I was looking at houses last fall I was worried there would be too much space and that I didn't have enough stuff -now, its not enough space and I have to get ride of half my stuff. I was eyeballing my current apartment and realized all the spaces I've been looking at, are basically half the size for more money. So then it starts to matter what the amenities and the area are like... the first place I looked at was alright... but there isn't a lot of green space over there, and there isn't a pool. The second, tucked back into a neighborhood, more green, but a little too grandma-y... Meaning I think my grandma would have admired the decor of the shared spaces. The third was maybe the one I like the most? or maybe its too noisy and too young? but it has a coffee shop, and is closer to the green areas of the neighborhood, and has a working pool, and is closer to the grocery store (like I walked to it easily). The 4th had people who looked like me, was even closer to my new office (and across the street from a place I'd like to be my office). It overlooks a park, or the pool area... its more expensive but had cool features like a pool table and darts, and a creative space where you can paint. It felt like a mix of the classy and great perks, but the actual apartments were smaller and felt a little BRO-y. (MAYBE because we visited one apartment that was still being lived in, and the guy hadn't cleaned or anything so it felt gross).
Its funny to go through these places... its like the intro to a new hostel, here are the amenities, check out is at 10... we keep your id at the front desk. I worry about the costs... but really I will be fine as long as I can see around 20 clients a week. (which I haven't been consistently, but maybe I will again when its my space).
The third and the 4th apartments are basically the ones I am choosing between, but either way it means I have to cut down on my stuff. And suddenly I am realizing how much I have accumulated and how it holds some weird sentimental value (or is tied to E) and I feel weird getting rid of it... but also, I don't need it. I guess thats the thing that is weirding me out, I realized this afternoon that I had this weird attachment to stuff I don't even care about. Like the tv I haven't turned on in months... why do I have that? the couch that I rarely sit on (maybe because I don't watch the tv)... I can get rid of half the couch, I don't need to keep it all. THe books and extra book cases? The random furniture I inherited from her, when she found it on facebook marketplace? But then there is also my collections... Why am I holding onto books I'll never read again? CDs I rarely listen to? Musical instruments I never touch? Why am I holding on and having a hard time letting go of stuff that means nothing to me in my current phase of life. Some of it was free, some of it was gifts, some of it was refitted by E, and because it became our home... I am realizing I grew attached to the shape of it in my space. But I need to make a new home, for a new me. I am 41 and by the time next lease is up, I'll be 42 or more... what do I want my 40s to contain?
SO thats the thing with this new apartment. I am not moving there because its the next triumph, but just the logical progression... I am moving because I am ready for a change, and it won't be perfect. I may not even like it, but its a step forward and I can decide what I do and don't like as I go, rather than feeling stuck in the past. I can use the apartment gym rather than paying for a gym membership. I can get to know a new grocery store and a new area of town. I can try different restaurants and figure out who I am in this next chapter of my life... and that will be good.
So basically in August of 2025 I am expecting to have a new job (my own business) and a new apartment... and to some extent a new* same life.
So what are my goals by next year?
- I want to feel successful in my business, a caseload of between 20-25 weekly.
- I want to feel like I can start taking on the next challenge in work, whether thats groups, or classes, or workshops or whatever.
- Maybe do a spiritual direction course?
- I want to either have a community in my office space, or be moving to one that feels good.
- I want to be financially ok... maybe even be saving money. Like an extra 10k would be great.
- I would like to be more confident and have a system for admin issues... so that I am handling the business, and when I outsource, I know what to expect and why.
- I want to feel healthier (not pre-diabetic), more capable and trusting of my body. I think this may require a new gym routine, maintaining a new diet, and potentially getting a personal trainer or something. Right now I would say my trust and confidence in my health is probably a 2 or 3/10. Despite walking around a bunch today, I felt very weak in my arm and it just kills my whole trust in my ability to be ok.
- It will also mean following up with whatever happens medically re: my arm, diet, etc. this summer.
- I think a good indicator would be how comfy I am taking off my shirt to go swimming in one of these apartment pools.
- I want to have a sense of community, not just friends that I see all individually. I think I need to start having dinner parties again, game nights, art nights.
- I will be involved in at least 1 thing per week outside of work/church.
- I want to keep going to church.
- I would like to spend more time being creative, and less time passively taking in media.
- Ideally I would like to be in a relationship, but I don't want that to be a reason to practice self care, I want to take care of myself, and then add someone in when it feels like a good fit.
- I would like to feel more spiritual/trusting of the universe.
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