Sunday, July 20, 2025

11 days left

 The count down to me quitting my job and starting my own business… the 11 days is how many days I have left at the job. Each day over the last few weeks I’ve been having conversations with clients and coworkers about the change. Trying to prep clients, trying to leave on positive terms with everyone. Over the weekends I’ve been doing paperwork to prepare. The weekdays paperwork and business stuff to prepare. It basically feels like I’m gonna have 2 months of nonstop… then what? 

Today I was thinking I need to strike the right balance between workaholic and the bare minimum… after all, I will be entirely responsible for my own welfare… health insurance, retirement, day to day living expenses, business expenses… it’s all gonna be on me. 

This past week had been kind of funny. Some distancing from E again. Lots of prep for the changes… sorted my cd collection and got rid of half.. cleaned out a closet or two. 

Kept telling myself I was gonna go to a movie - but also that I needed to get stuff done before hand. 

On Friday I saw Christ and Jared, two of my old roommates and friends from college who I haven’t kept in touch with and basically haven’t seen for 10 years. It was nice to catch up and also brought up a lot of thoughts.

We went to a kind of swanky rooftop restaurant, not the kind of place any of us would have chosen in the past. It was full of young people who were dressed up and on the town for an evening… a different culture in a way. We caught up and discussed our very separate lives and it was lovely, and awkward. But I really appreciated it. 

I also had some recognitions… most of that group of college friends has stayed in touch, they go to weddings and reunions and birthdays and I haven’t been invited to most, but those I have been invited to- I chose not to attend… and I’m not sure why. But if I go back to the theme of therapy last week, I seem to believe that the only people who want me around are the ones that need me… or something.  And that group never needed me. I needed them. They were fun, and funny, and interesting, and playful and talented. And I hung around them because it filled me with creativity and beauty.  But even when I lived with them, I didn’t go out of my way to indulge. I kept my distance because I was a burnt out teacher who was putting every bit of energy into other things… and then I left for Latin America. And when I got home I wanted to reach out, but felt too different, felt like they wouldn’t want me around or didn’t need me… and so it was better to focus on building a new life. I did. I wrote for a year, went to grad school, had new friends and new relationships and fell out of touch. I don’t regret it, but at the same time I also know I have missed them the whole time and I didn’t do anything about that. 

I’ve been thinking about it this weekend, how I had excuses like being busy, and not having a place I felt comfortable inviting them to. (I lived in shared shithole places with roommates I didn’t always feel comfortable with). Then I lived alone, but it was covid for a few years. Then I was in a relationship and started a new job, and was taking on new responsibilities… and so many reasons to fall out of touch… but also I missed them. Still looked up to them. Still wanted them in my life, but didn’t make time or effort. 

I’d been anxious to see them because it feels like a different life time. Like how most of my favorite bands played this weekend at a festival and I didn’t go, because who wants to spend all day outside in a hot field? A younger me would have loved that, 

These different lives I’ve lived… each with a different vibe.. different friends, different path forward.  There is some mixing and I’m glad when it happens, but I guess I’ve become verycompartmentalized these days. I suppose it’s natural given the jobs I’ve had. But how to live a more free and integrated life? Is it possible? 

Been thinking a lot about that as I go forward with this new business and new place. Can I add people and fun back into my life? Can I make room for parts that are important? Old parts? New parts? Can I balance? 

Most people haven’t been to my current apartment, and it’s bigger than where I’m moving. But the place I’m moving has other amenities. Will I utilize them?

I don’t really know what I’m looking forward to. 

I signed up for a 4 day training in September. I might look into the spiritual direction thing, just for kicks. 


Yesterday I slept in, got all the major chores done for the weekend but still felt behind. I had been planning to do a lot of paperwork this weekend, and I didn’t manage to work my way up to it till about 7 last night. Then I did some and I felt better. Less burdened. 

Today was similar. Church was amazing. 

There was this song I really liked that I’ve never heard but felt like a great response to my anxiety:

“Loosen loosen baby, 

you don’t have to carry, 

the weight of the world 

in your muscles and bones, 

let go, let go, let go”

I really love the vibe of the UU church. It’s spiritual, it’s justice, it’s therapy, it’s community, it’s human, it’s natural.

After church went for a walk with dad and Steve. I took a break and then did some paperwork. Took another break then did more. 

It’s ok. There is just sooooo much to do. And I’m not sure I’m prepared for tomorrow.. but I also know I have some time off coming up. This week I put in my notice. I booked a massage for Saturday. I’ll probably see Superman tomorrow. 

Maybe get rid of some furniture this week. 

I dunno, in a few years I’ll forget this time period but it’s a lot of mental overwhelm, and juggling. 


Generally though, I feel like I’m preparing for the next phase of life, and I’m too busy moving towards it to feel bad about anything. 


Sunday, July 13, 2025

Mixed feelings again

 Last week, and again today I saw E. We made dinner and did a painting class online tonight and it was fun. But at a certain point I asked her to leave. I didn’t want a repeat of last week, in which I got really confused and then dwelled on it for two days. The same thing will probably happen this week. Because she called me on the way home and I told her how I felt. 

It’s confusing to feel so at home with someone, enjoy their company, and then send them on their way. I love this person. I feel comforted. It genuinely felt like home again last week. But then I got sad and hurt and angry again.

She reminds me of dreams I had and pain I experienced and now I am unsure what the path forward looks like. On the one hand, it would be easy to try again. And on the other, why try when it wasn’t working the first time?

In a month I am opening a business, and moving into a new apartment. It’s a fresh start. And part of me wants that. 

Another part of me feels glad she still loves me and wants a future with me in it, she hints at what that might mean, but doesn’t ask me for any commitment. 

I get so sad and confused. Part of it is that I hate to let her down. Part of it is that when she says these things or hints in certain ways, I’m like … yeah! That’s what I wanted for so long,  my heart broke for that. Part of me will be angry with her tomorrow that she is a year late… why bring it up now when I’m finally getting unstuck?

I told her tonight that I really need to focus and put my energy into these changes I am making. But it still feels so  hollow. Like, it would be one thing if I was super excited about these changes and really pumped to take these steps forward, but it isn’t that. I am taking them because I am sick of being stuck, because I want a direction and the one we had together became impossible… I’m taking them because they are logical and I’m ready for a change… but if I’d had my way, she would have fought harder, and I would have had a partner to work through these changes with. 

But what if she is ready now? What if, as she said on the phone, she’s just 9 months late…

But what has changed really?  I dunno… 

It just makes me sad and confused and feel drained. I told her I have to put my energy into moving forward and maybe when I do, I’ll be more clear about what I really want again. 

I mean, there are more and more days when I feel confident and grateful and optimistic… so maybe in a month or two I’ll feel more solid in that. 

But it’s still hard for now. Hard to feel pulled in two directions. Hard to watch part of your heart, and what you thought might be your future -walk out the door. 

Dreams

 This was text from speech, so it might be a little off


Dreams, the first one. 

I was sitting alone at a picnic table, eating a salad. I looked over to my right and I saw the lnas teachers. But I didn’t join them. They seemed to be having a good conversation. I also noticed that it was sort of potluck style. And I wasn’t sure what I could bring. I started to work on that settling on something that was like cupcakes. While I was doing that I started eating the rest of my lunch. A woman and her friends sat down at the table with me. She sat down across from me and had a veggie dish of some sort with lots of color. She asked me if I liked cabbage. I said “not really” she kinda smirked. I asked her how she cooked it. As I looked at her face, I felt drawn to her, not that she was overwhelmingly attractive. But she had some sort of charm. When she answered my question, I didn’t seem to get all the information I wanted, she was looking away, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling dismissed or just misunderstood. I started to casually comment or chat with the person who sat to my left. But I was trying to formalize another question to get the information I was looking for. I had this idea that she might cook the cabbage like cabbage rolls in Lebanese cuisine. I think I tried to ask her again and again she didn’t fully respond. I wasn’t happy with her response. I made a snarky comment “she probably cooks it with just salt.“ I stopped thinking about it and went back to the rest of my food and finished then got up from the table and as I got up from the table, I noticed she had three arms one of the lower arms was in sync with the arm that I had seen above. So I tried to glance to see if she had a fourth she did. The two below worked in concert with the two above, the two below being obviously weaker somewhat discolored. It was unclear if they could do things on their own or only followed along with the above. Despite having four arms, I kind of looked at her again with admiration, the same way that a Hindu person might, is this an incarnation of God? Well of course, but what does it mean? I got up from the table and tried to throw away my garbage suddenly realizing I was on some sort of college campus. And they had too many options for throwing away garbage. I was trying to read the options and find the right one, but it was very busy in the cafeteria area and I felt like I was in the way.


The second dream. In the second dream, I was hosting a party at a giant modern apartment. It was a fancy place. It was much much much bigger than what I’m moving into. So many rooms -not even knowing their purpose. I knew there were people coming over and then they were there, but I think prior to them all being in the space there was an in between dream where my extended family was there and I wasn’t sure what rooms they were in. And later the question of where are the children sleeping and what time do they need to go to bed? Was one of the 50 million stressors during the party. I guess I wasn’t really that familiar with the space I just knew I had a lot of it and that it needed to be filled. I know there were a few different areas, including a sort of outdoor deck space- Where at one point I ran into illy, who was manically spray-painting blankets, and towels and rugs. She said the Place needed more color or warmth or something. I was worried she was ruining things that I cared about or would cost me a bunch in bills when I moved out.  It must’ve been a housewarming party. Like getting to know, neighbors, etc. because I didn’t really know that many people and they were party people, even though they were more dressed up and wealthy- looking,  real bro energy. At one point, I found myself in an area of the larger apartment building where there was like 100 women getting their nails done and a table set out for local teachers to have a banquet or something.. I think in that part, I was relieved that I got away from the party and wasn’t hosting for a moment, but then of course somebody came and got me. And they got me to fix something probably a toilet, but I wasn’t familiar with the design so their guess was as good as mine. And we had to call the handyman so we did and he was an older dude not judgmental, but clearly not this era. He did a few things had to move to a few different rooms to fix it and eventually did and kind of showed me what to do if it got broken again.  Then, on his way out, he remarked on the device that was for clearing the energy of the space I think? The device needed to be in the sunlight for about 12 hours max and then needed to be moved to the shade and at first felt like a big hassle to me. But he told me his daughter felt the same at first and now swore by it. I asked if she lived in the building, getting the impression that all residents get one at some sort of ceremony.  He said “no, she lives about an hour and a half away, but my son lives in the building.” So, I asked how long his son lived there. but he got it mixed up and started talking about his daughter again. And I didn’t know if I was talking to someone who had dementia, or if there was some sort of code or mystery to uncover in his speech. Whenever I asked about his son he talked about his daughter and when I asked about his daughter, he said she wasn’t around, but his son was. Anyway, when he left, I spent a little time fidgeting with the device and got it set up then I went basically to another room or something, but it was to avoid the party that I was hosting like even though I was in charge I didn’t want to be there, and I also didn’t want to have to tell everyone to leave.




When I woke up, I realized both of these dreams had this theme of being around people, wanting to be part of something but feeling very left out, or in charge but not part of stuff. 

Hosting, taking responsibility, but not fitting in or getting to connect in the way that I want to.


—— 

I imagine that some of this has to do with telling clients this week that I am starting my own business. I have to host a crowd in an unknown space. Make sure they feel welcome, but I don’t necessarily feel excited by the idea of my own business, to me it feels like a lot of work (as of right now).  

I am also moving soon, officially August I will pay double rent, and the new building will be expensive though I don’t think it is very posh. 

I also know that I had my current landlord over to fix the toilet yesterday, so I am sure that is part of that section. 

I have been asking spirit guides and ancestors and everyone in the universe with support for the next steps, guidance, a clear path. I feel like things are going well so far in the initial phases of the transition, but I am also feeling behind and unprepared. 

I am trying to trust that though things may be hard, it is easily solvable. As one of the tarot readers pointed out “you think if something goes wrong, you’re falling off a roof or a cliff, but really you’re just jumping off a table. You could even land on one foot and be ok.” And that really is how it feels. I’m sure there will be some headaches, some letting people down, but I’m ready for something new. 

Once everything is up and running I can relax… but then I’ll need a new thing to take up my time and energy. 


Writing? Painting?

Some sort of training?

Video games and Instagram?

A workshop program for the new business?

Community building in the office space and at the apartment building?

Protests?

Family time?

Dating?


I’m just not sure yet. I really do want everything to be in place before I set out… 



Tonight E is coming over to do some painting. We are gonna have salmon and rice. 

 

The week ahead looks pretty chill, and then on Friday I am meeting up with some Morris people and I feel anxious about it. A past life. I’m sure it will be nice.  I was thinking about how I am on this email chain of SLP guys who are getting together for brunch once a month, and I never respond or go… past life stuff. 

I used to always want to carry my old life with me. Now I seem to be afraid of it? 

Something to recognize I guess. Onwards and upwards?


Been singing “I will be light” all week. Generally feeling very positive and grateful. 



 

Friday, June 27, 2025

Strange dream, goodness?

 

I had this dream last night, or rather this morning when I should have been waking up to get to work. In the dream me and a girlfriend were touring somewhere. I know there were multiple rooms or complexes, maybe it was a castle or a church and other buildings. There were crowds, there were tour guides, it was hectic. 

At some point we became separated, and although that didn’t bother me in itself, I was worried that she would feel lost. So I looked for her, room to room, place to place, scanning the crowd, trying to get better angles, weaving through. After an hour or so I would say I wasn’t worried, but more motivated... Eventually I checked my phone, and the messages had been coming through inconsistently, but the 2-3 that were there were clearly angry. -

Eventually I found her, and she was furious, had felt abandoned, accused me of running off and enjoying myself etc.. there were tons of texts that hadn’t gone through, she assumed I was intentionally ignoring her -while she was scared or out of place. I tried to calm her down, explain my side, but she wasn’t able to hear it. She was stuck in her own story, and from that place, she was the victim and I was the villain, and she was angry and said abusive things about my character. I stopped her, and said I don’t need to be abused like that and began to walk away. She stopped me, but was still in her story. I felt like I could not accept her story, my experience of myself and my actions was too different, I understood where she was coming from, but it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for her feelings… but I knew that that meant we were not ok.

In another part of the dream I was moving in with a roommate and there was another group (mostly women) living downstairs. The dynamics felt odd, like I was tiptoeing around and wasn’t sure where my space was. 

In a third part of the dream, (I don’t recall the beginning part of this) a friend/roommate became very upset with me. They suggested I was  a bad person and that I wasn’t someone they could deal with anymore. I asked why they believed this, and they pulled out a book of events, like a profile of me, and their experience of my actions. I remember in another part of this dream I had made some admittedly judgmental statements about groups of people, old stereotypes or something… and the person has recorded that, and hundreds of other interactions, basically color coding them into good and bad. They had come to the conclusion that I was bad. I asked them if they were looking for evidence to the contrary, moments of growth or positive. They shared that 6 months ago in a game of hearts or spades I’d shown improvement in my technique and they were impressed, but it felt entirely imbalanced and very subjective. It was like, no matter what I said or did, I’d never be able to convinced this person who I cared about to believe in me. At first I was angry and argumentative, I asked why they hadn’t shared anything, given me the opportunity to redeem myself, or repair. They chalked it up to being objective and allowing me to make my own mistakes to show my character… eventually I just became sad. I remember the recognition that someone I had cared for for years, was basically closing off to me, rejecting me… and I turned to Jessica s, who also knew this person well and said as much… that’s when the dream ended. 

When I woke up, I was a bit panicked because I was going to be late for work. But I also raced to put the dream into context. This book of actions (from another perspective) is basically how I believed G-d judged us when I was young. Not all seeing/ all knowing/ all understanding of intention and heart, but a series of judgments based on actions that we may not even have thought of… and some of which we did know and felt ashamed or embarrassed about or that we tried to make amends for… but without ever knowing if the scales were balanced. 

My mind and my heart are so far away from that now… 99% of the time even if I have those kinds of thoughts, it’s easy to see the gray, believe in grace and the complexity of the human heart and condition. I wouldn’t judge someone for their actions like that, and it’s hard to imagine a god of any kind caring… about such small things. But when I am hurt or disappointed or worried, I know that it comes out as judgment to others… and I am working on that. 

That being said, a tallied list of positive and negatives… too simple.

But in the dream, I also stood up for myself. Wouldn’t allow others to speak to me in anger in ways I would never speak to them. I argued my point, and accepted and grieved the losses when I realized I’d not be able to help someone see me more clearly.

I think this has to do with my step sisters wedding and the guilt and shame I feel for mistreating her when I was younger. I know that I was still in the mindset of good and evil at the time, and that I felt like mistreating her made me evil. She is getting married, and moving forward with her life in all sorts of amazing ways… and I’m still stuck sometimes back in the past.  Though it felt familiar to have gfs be mad at me for abandoning them, and blaming me for their emotions, I think the dream people are likely more just old parts of myself.  Maybe caretaker parts, judging  parts, etc… they want to be heard and I have to let them go to move forward. 

On the other hand, I worried it might be a premonition dream of someone being upset with me and me not being able to help it. Either way…

I think I’m moving forward in life, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. I know that I still have old habits to break, and things I wish were different. Parts of me that wish I’d made better choices in the past, and in the present.  But more… I think I’m coming to accept and love myself, and able to stand up for myself or recognize - not rationalize, but just nod yes, and this too, as I discover myself and my way in the world.





Monday, June 23, 2025

Last day off… till next week ha

 Today I went to an applied kinesiologist and chiro, we talked about fungal overgrowth, pseudo hiatal hernia, gerd, and an inward rotated shoulder. Despite the woo woo of it, I felt seen, heard, understood and supported. I walked out feeling very little anxiety and like the world was mine. Less pain, more mobility in my shoulder, but better than that, I felt hopeful about my body which I was honestly struggling with last week. So that was good. 

I went to Costco and broke my boycott of target, but most was just checking prices for things for the business. 

I decided I can’t really make a decision on the apartment until July and I am thinking I’m gonna end up in the more expensive and less space one, but I keep thinking about how I liked the neighborhood around the other one more. Felt vibrant, more alive, closer to the grocery store, coffee shop attached to the building. So I’m gonna wait and maybe it will cost me both places but it seems like the right move since I’m not willing to pay two extra months… 

I started thinking of things I can get rid of, and things to pack. Started packing a little. 

I took a long nap,  not sure if it’s just the heat but I have been siesta-ing. 

I’m worried the next 6 weeks is gonna be a rollercoaster. I mean, moving everything in and starting the business, packing up and moving to a new place in August, finishing all the paperwork and prepping clients to transition. It feels like a lot. 

There is also grief at every step and it keeps hitting me how I am moving forward but that this isn’t necessarily what I wanted. I guess I’m moving forward for the possibility of finding what I want. But it’s hard. I moved a chair from one room to another preparing to take it out to the garbage… and decided I wasn’t ready. So many plans, so many little things, plus I have weeks. 

And technically with the moving I have more time than with the current work/business stuff. But in some ways it feels the most tangible - and less decisions. Just what stays what goes. And is there a home for that? And if not, out. 


But I’m aware of both my alone-ness and loneliness all the time. 

This week is 4 days of work. Not totally packed but fairly busy (18-19 clients). Plus Ali’s rehearsal dinner, and wedding on Saturday. I’m nervous to be around all the people… not sure what I am wearing yet. I should probably ask. 

But also it feels like it’s gonna be hot all week, so maybe a button up is already overdoing it. 

Next week is another week off (only working 1.5 days).  Have my spinal appointment, plus an appointment with a tax guy. I think that will help a bit with the business. 


Ok. Time for reading and bed. 



Friday, June 20, 2025

Friday in June

This will be 3 or 4 topics I think. 

So lets start with preparation and change:

Today is my second day off in a row. I've been taking more time off because I have to use up my PTO before I quit, apparently they don't pay out... which feels illegal, but oh well. Yesterday I woke up early and ran to my office for a delivery of furniture. I don't quite know the wifi password, and didn't have much to do there after the stuff was delivered, so I ran to menards and grabbed a few things. I also set up some visits for apartments in the area. Then I took a long nap in the afternoon, and then walked the lake with my Dad. Today I visited office depot looking at desks... and considered what other things I need (didn't buy anything). I also visited three different apartment buildings, and I think narrowed it down to two of the 4 I have been to. I compared things like the overall vibe, the size and costs, and the surrounding area. All of the apartments are significantly smaller than the one I am living in. Some might even be smaller than my previous apartment, but with much better perks. Do I want that? need that? I dunno. 

The whole process of considering moving has been weird. I want to live closer to my new office for 3 basic reasons. 1) I want a change of environment. 2) I want to be able to walk to work. 3) I don't want to be stuck in traffic everyday... My office is in the heart of the city, and regardless of what direction you come from, that could mean traffic. I have sort of lucked out the last few days and its only hit on the way home (an extras 10 minutes), but I was avoiding actual rush hour traffic. The office is back in a semi industrial looking area, some of the spaces have been turned into businesses, and cool murals and stuff... but there is still heavy trucks driving in and out, and big lots, and warehouses... and if I am honest... I am wishing I hadn't signed a lease there.... but its only for a while, and then I can move to another place. 

I am trying to have the same attitude about the apartments. I don't want to live in a dump, and I don't really know the area well enough to know which neighborhoods are better than others...  They have all these old buildings that have been retrofitted into new apartments (similar to how my office was remade from an industrial building)... and then they also have a lot of bigbox "luxury" apartments.  And of course tons of the old smaller, crummier looking ones that I lived in when I was growing up -and which I don't really want anymore. 

No matter what, it feels like a stepdown from where I am. Certainly not a step up to a new house... but when I was looking at houses last fall I was worried there would be too much space and that I didn't have enough stuff -now, its not enough space and I have to get ride of half my stuff. I was eyeballing my current apartment and realized all the spaces I've been looking at, are basically half the size for more money. So then it starts to matter what the amenities and the area are like... the first place I looked at was alright... but there isn't a lot of green space over there, and there isn't a pool. The second, tucked back into a neighborhood, more green, but a little too grandma-y... Meaning I think my grandma would have admired the decor of the shared spaces. The third was maybe the one I like the most?  or maybe its too noisy  and too young? but it has a coffee shop, and is closer to the green areas of the neighborhood, and has a working pool, and is closer to the grocery store (like I walked to it easily).  The 4th had people who looked like me, was even closer to my new office (and across the street from a place I'd like to be my office). It overlooks a park, or the pool area... its more expensive but had cool features like a pool table and darts, and a creative space where you can paint.  It felt like a mix of the classy and great perks, but the actual apartments were smaller and felt a little BRO-y.  (MAYBE because we visited one apartment that was still being lived in, and the guy hadn't cleaned or anything so it felt gross). 

Its funny to go through these places... its like the intro to a new hostel, here are the amenities, check out is at 10... we keep your id at the front desk.  I worry about the costs... but really I will be fine as long as I can see around 20 clients a week. (which I haven't been consistently, but maybe I will again when its my space).

The third and the 4th apartments are basically the ones I am choosing between, but either way it means I have to cut down on my stuff. And suddenly I am realizing how much I have accumulated and how it holds some weird sentimental value (or is tied to E) and I feel weird getting rid of it... but also, I don't need it.  I guess thats the thing that is weirding me out, I realized this afternoon that I had this weird attachment to stuff I don't even care about. Like the tv I haven't turned on in months... why do I have that?  the couch that I rarely sit on (maybe because I don't watch the tv)... I can get rid of half the couch, I don't need to keep it all.  THe books and extra book cases? The random furniture I inherited from her, when she found it on facebook marketplace? But then there is also my collections... Why am I holding onto books I'll never read again? CDs I rarely listen to? Musical instruments I never touch? Why am I holding on and having a hard time letting go of stuff that means nothing to me in my current phase of life. Some of it was free, some of it was gifts, some of it was refitted by E, and because it became our home... I am realizing I grew attached to the shape of it in my space. But I need to make a new home, for a new me.  I am 41 and by the time next lease is up, I'll be 42 or more... what do I want my 40s to contain?

SO thats the thing with this new apartment. I am not moving there because its the next triumph, but just the logical progression... I am moving because I am ready for a change, and it won't be perfect. I may not even like it, but its a step forward and I can decide what I do and don't like as I go, rather than feeling stuck in the past.  I can use the apartment gym rather than paying for a gym membership. I can get to know a new grocery store and a new area of town. I can try different restaurants and figure out who I am in this next chapter of my life... and that will be good. 

So basically in August of 2025 I am expecting to have a new job (my own business) and a new apartment... and to some extent a new* same life.


So what are my goals by next year?

  • I want to feel successful in my business, a caseload of between 20-25 weekly. 
  • I want to feel like I can start taking on the next challenge in work, whether thats groups, or classes, or workshops or whatever. 
  • Maybe do a spiritual direction course?
  • I want to either have a community in my office space, or be moving to one that feels good.
  • I want to be financially ok... maybe even be saving money.  Like an extra 10k would be great.
  • I would like to be more confident and have a system for admin issues... so that I am handling the business, and when I outsource, I know what to expect and why. 

  •  I want to feel healthier (not pre-diabetic), more capable and trusting of my body. I think this may require a new gym routine, maintaining a new diet, and potentially getting a personal trainer or something. Right now I would say my trust and confidence in my health is probably a 2 or 3/10. Despite walking around a bunch today, I felt very weak in my arm and it just kills my whole trust in my ability to be ok.
  • It will also mean following up with whatever happens medically re: my arm, diet, etc. this summer.
  • I think a good indicator would be how comfy I am taking off my shirt to go swimming in one of these apartment pools. 

  • I want to have a sense of community, not just friends that I see all individually. I think I need to start having dinner parties again, game nights, art nights.
  • I will be involved in at least 1 thing per week outside of work/church.
  • I want to keep going to church. 

  • I would like to spend more time being creative, and less time passively taking in media. 
  • Ideally I would like to be in a relationship, but I don't want that to be a reason to practice self care, I want to take care of myself, and then add someone in when it feels like a good fit. 
  • I would like to feel more spiritual/trusting of the universe.
I think I need to break some of these goals down so that they become a specific effort I am working toward.

Potential other things... travel? EU5? Protesting the fascists? Volunteering?  My old goals... be able to have a conversation in spanish (working on it), a cd or book of poems, or a book, 6/7 continents. a painting in a public space or gallery

So many things that don't really matter, but matter or mattered to me. But I am caught by the realization that achieving them won't mean much to me. Like a painting in a gallery would feel good for a moment, but likely I'd be self-conscious and downplay it. and then when it was over, it would be something that I did one time, but like who cares?  I think the cd/book thing is a little bit longer... but then it sits on shelves, and then what? Achievements are kind of an odd thing.  I would like to do these things because I feel driven and enjoy doing them, and when I am doing them sometimes it helps to have a goal... but accomplishing the thing in itself isn't the end goal, its to move someone or create a legacy... and I guess I am less concerned with that than I used to be. 

It was funny the last time I traveled because I didn't have a class to consider reporting these things I was learning to... and I didn't have E by my side to share with. And I knew my work wouldn't be impacted by time in Eastern Europe... so I felt like it was fairly meaningless despite enjoying learning and seeing new things. Another country added to the list, but no story to tell, no connection formed, no weight of it...


I think the realizations of how much has changed... makes me want to do more thinking about my future... but I also have a lot of little logistical things to figure out just to make the first few steps of moving and starting the business a reality. I have to get rid of shit from my apartment!

But what I mean is that in some ways I feel like I lost what I was trying to move toward. With E, I had a vision even if it was full of crazy variables... and crazy making ones too. We were gonna have a house, and have kids, and I was gonna have a small business to support us, and maybe she would end up homeschooling them... and it was weird because I always thought I'd be the one who homeschooled the kids, but it was something... and now, I am not sure what I am going toward, or rather I need to figure out what I am about  -in this world. Prior to her, I had a small place and I was part of a team, and I was learning to be a therapist after training in social work, after learning social work because teaching required more skills.  Now I feel like I am a therapist, and I can relearn to do social work when I need to, and I can teach if I want... and why did I get into this? 

Then it goes back further...  I had three options, a teacher, a socialworker/therapist, a preacher... what was the goal? to help, to make the world a better place.... and why?  because I didn't feel good about myself, and I didn't want others to feel that way... and the world was awful and I wanted it to be better - and what has changed  -well, a lot.  I don't feel the same NEED to help anymore, I enjoy it, and I am 'good' at it, so I offer my skills and my strengths. But I don't NEED to. I know it doesn't change the world, and I no longer believe I will change the world in some huge way... I will just play my part, and after all it pays the bills. I care about people. I want to help, but I don't NEED to.   I have to trust that they will figure it out, and that I am just along for the journey and it feels good and meaningful... but it doesn't drive me the way it used to.  I used to feel like I had to learn everything in order to be good... now I know stuff, and I know I'll fuck up too and its ok.  And as for me, I feel good. I like myself. I don't really feel like I need to CHANGE who I am... I like who I am, and I want to be the best me, but I am not beholden to some old idea that I HAVE to be some type of way in order to redeem myself. And as for the mission of saving the world... well, best laid plans and it will still go awry, and I have learned to acknowledge that -even if I can't always accept it fully. I am learning to smile at the chaos a little, even while it breaks my heart. I don't have some profound message for the universe, a billion have tried and it hasn't shifted anything except maybe that it's made all of us a little more self-centered thinking we were the special one... I'm not Jesus. I am not that special. The world will continue with or without me, and that is the most beautiful.  I feel more wise in my stupidity now... I feel like I look back at those times of certainty and shake my head at my youthful ignorance. It was cute, a child pushing back at the universe.

I love writing my book, but that also doesn't pay the bills, and I can't maintain the level of drive I need to in order to finish it... so it will come along when it does. I'm not stricken by the voices of the angels or the demons like Mohammed. 
Other creative projects, sure, when I have the time. Organizing and building... yeah, if it suits me... but what I am driven by? What is my overarching goal now?  I dunno. I don't want to be free of it all - like the Buddha... I may avoid suffering but I also embrace it.  But I also don't feel the vitality I used too... I miss the passion, even if it was childish. Maybe I need more laughter yoga in my life, more improv... creative silliness for its own sake, flirting for the sake of flirting... baby Krishna  you know?
Anyway, I don't know what it is anymore... I think I am pursuing the thing in front of me, but without some overarching goal... or at least not beholden to it, the way I was...

and I think the last thing about all this future talk... is that I am still grieving this idea that I won't have kids. Or maybe won't. I never really expected that as an outcome... I guess I fantasized about being the wise monk or prophet, hermit in the hills, but not really. I assumed that would happen after I had a half dozen wandering the world.   SO I think despite my goal of wanting to take care of my self first... I think it is part of the reason I feel so lost in terms of the overall direction. If its not to have kid and a family? then what is it for?   I work with older folks, some with kids and some with out. Having children is of course no guarantee of assurance in old age... plenty of children apparently abandon their parents... but to be old and alone is not something I aspire to... I mean, it happens... and I am alone now and happy some of the time... but I don't know that I want to stay this way. 

There is still profound grief weaving its way through me.  
And who knows, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow and have a baby or a step child in a year.  But I dunno...


My wrists are hurting... 
So I guess last thing. 

The other day, an insight gave me some relief.  
The insight was that maybe I do actually see people's true self/their potential/their soul or spirit  -and then I mistake this life journey for the whole thing... like, their soul has chosen this life and all its limitations and burdens, and maybe those of us who see potential are seeing the larger soul and getting it confused. Maybe it isn't wrong, its just not helpful in a life, it only adds torment for everyone involved because they cannot be their whole soul self on this plane... if they could, they wouldnt be here to have this journey. Seeing G-d in all, doesn't mean they can be G-d in a human life time... 
and thats good.. its ok. Its beautiful even...  but don't get lost. 



Sunday, June 08, 2025

Curious

I’m sitting at the caribou by Whole Foods. Reading the LET THEM theory, sipping an americano though it will probably keep me up all night.

My horoscope and tarot videos said today is a good day for love,  but I’m not talking with anyone… yet

I wasn’t in the mood to go to church, not really in the mood to be social honestly. I went to a graduation party yesterday and met with Rachel on Friday for a few hours. 

The level of social anxiety I have is pretty high sometimes… maybe I do need pills. 

Had an MRI yesterday and it went better than I worried. Not expecting anything major in the results, but spending the weekend noticing my pain and discomfort doesn’t feel the best. My hips, my back, my arm, wrists, my feet and legs. Nothing feels quite right. I guess that’s what I get for eating Chinese food and tons of sugar all night. 

As I was walking painfully around the lake, I started thinking I should address this stuff. Maybe minimally more lemon water? Maybe I need a glass pitcher for cucumber water? Less salt in my food, less sugar after. I know what I need to do to get in better shape, but do I have the motivation and the discipline? Not sure. 

The MRI thing was a wake up call, but also I don’t think it will show the thing they were worried about, what isn’t shown, is that I’m slowly killing my body and if I want to have a healthy life, that will need to change at some point.

One of the reasons I want to live closer to my new office. 

Additionally, 

Was thinking a lot about my mindset, and how I have to get back to the try something for a bit and see, rather than the “is this what I want in my life forever?” Mindset. 

I was thinking where is the kid who traveled to Europe by himself at 18? Why do I feel more fearful when actually I have so much more security than that guy. 

The business will happen when it happens. The apartment can be another experiment for a year and then move to the next thing. 

It’s all

Ok.



I spent part of the weekend worrying about martial law being declared in LA, but the more I hear details the less scary it sounds. 300 national guard of a totally of a few thousand have been called in. The rhetoric is way bigger than the bite. But I guess we will see.

Not sure what is next tonight. Spanish, apartment hunting? Gaming? Check my schedule for the week? It feels like it’s gonna be a lot of people, but I haven’t had that many the last few weeks. I don’t know what I’m looking for…  


Rachel

Introduced me to an exercise called MVP minimum viable product, reminding me that the launch doesn’t have to be perfect, it has to be viable then you add. 

I think that’s a better strategy than I have been considering. I need to shift my mindset for a lot of stuff. 

Not feeling very present, is that the pain, waking up late, gaming all night? Who knows.


I keep feeling like I should be reaching out to E, but the book reminds me that adult friendships require energy, proximity and timing, and I think that doesn’t necessarily fit our lives right now. So maybe I also just need to give the space, and reach out when I have energy, not a feeling that I should be. 


Not sure what else to say… hard to plot a life forward when you’re not sure what you want. But oh well, take it a day at a time, be appreciative, it’s a good life. 


Sunday, June 01, 2025

Joon

Its been a very chill weekend. 

I took some THC stuff on Friday and it was a basic body high, watched the movie Twisters... went to bed. 

Saturday I got all my chores done, groceries, laundry, went for a walk, did some reading. 

Today was church, walked to a different coffee shop than normal, did some reading, looked at apartments online. 

I looked at a few documents and things for the business but didn't really follow through on anything there. The lack of excitement and motivation has had me worried, but I am wondering if I am making it too big of a deal. Maybe I just need to make it smaller in scale, one step at a time. Like, look at the website. Consider a bio. Put the address on the website... kind of thing. 

Maybe I need to set a date for the end of work. July? August at the latest. 

I've been wondering if I should try to get an apartment before then -so that I have proof of income. I  might need to pull some from the stocks, I've been trying to spend my money on the business, but I don't really have any savings in my regular accounts. 

Perception is the biggest part of motivation, and I have not been perceiving myself as knowing what to do... but maybe I do know, and I am just afraid to do it?

It's been an odd year so far... finishing 5 months I guess, mostly feeling stuck but also making small steps that will eventually lead to something.  Attending church. Seeing friends more frequently than last year. Starting to exercise again I guess...  (the shoulder pain thing has been really hard lately). Not talking to E, and now talking with her once every week or two again. 

Life feels very up in the air, mid transition, and I wonder if having some dates would make it more real.

Furniture in my office June 19th, maybe the whole office sorted by the end of the month. Maybe I can go there to practice the EHR, and the website and the making new friends...

The tarot video I am watching right now is basically saying in June you will notice and recognize the distance between you and the past, but it will shake you up even though you saw it coming... is that with E or is that with work?  or is that with this life path I have been on, that maybe I don't want to be on? I dunno...

Spiritual Direction might be the next thing I take on.

Travel?  Of course I want to, but I want to when things feel settled and good, and I am not trying to escape. I want to with a partner, when I have a direction and a goal again.

I dunno...  I was walking home today and wondering why my energy had dropped and I think I realized I was grieving again, grieving the feeling of having something stable, a direction to move in... even if it was false, and I was half in, half out... it felt like something. Now I am directionless again... to some extent. When I get to that place I have to enter drama in order to remind myself. Be a little angry... be a little pissy, a little selfish. 

I have been wondering if I am depressed. I think the pain and body stuff is impacting me more than I am wanting to admit. Its not necessarily changing my habits.  I have an MRI next Saturday, hopefully they say some physical therapy or something, and not a tumor. I had another one of those, what if... moments today... escape fantasy?  Wanting things to be clarified by death? It makes me feel empathetic towards folks with chronic pain including E.  

I keep having all these strange worries... something bad is gonna happen.

I dunno... not a lot of clarity, but I think my perception is making it hard to move forward so let me change that. In the day to day I feel a lot of clarity and purpose. I am able to accomplish my goals and take small steps towards the future goals. Nothing extreme... I am a tortoise. I am embracing my tortoise self.


There was a bird trapped on our porch today. I put out some nuts and water, I was worried it would die of dehydration. I don't think it accepted my gifts. I am hoping it made its way home... but I am also worried it just died in an inaccessible place. 


At church today they did a glitter blessing. It was so simple and so silly... but it was nice. 

Ok... a little more reading... maybe a tv show, then sleep. 

Maybe its not depression, maybe just too much sunlight. 






Monday, May 26, 2025

Part 2

 After some reading a lot of crying…. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard not to live in the past and the future when the present doesn’t feel so great. It’s fine, but it’s not life giving. 

I think today was a lot harder than I realized because E and I were both talking about our futures and we weren’t included in one another’s. When we talk of the past there is a shared connection point, but she tells me about her week or what is coming up and I can appreciate it, sometimes I even have insider information, but I’m not scheming to make myself part of it. 

I talked about moving on from this apartment, and in my dreaming of the future, fail to mention how hard it is to let go of dreams, memories, stories. She says she misses this place that she was so desperate to get away from, that she said she’d never come back to basically. That she misses our room, that she likes my bookshelves, that she likes the high ceilings and natural light, and all I can do is intellectualize because it feels like such a mixed message, and in it is a level of betrayal for our shared goals and dreams… and I’m kind of like, I’m so glad you’re doing better, but why couldn’t you do this then?  And I have to acknowledge it’s because we weren’t meant to be together, and it makes me wonder why she feels like home then? And also why I’m not trying to make it happen. Why I’m avoiding looking at her. Why I pull away from touch. 

Why do I dread leaving this place -because I’ll not have those memories or dreams anymore. Why can’t I move forward and not be so pained by the loss? 

I tell her I need to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad because some of it is still hers, and I don’t say out loud, I’m holding this for you because I love you and want you to have stuff that was meaningful, and she says throw it out. And I’m reluctant. I hesitate because I think she is being impulsive, and she thinks I’m being anxious and controlling, and worrying over nothing. In her words she says she doesn’t have the attachment to it, maybe never did… but I remember a dream or a goal she had once and I want to honor it… I want to honor all the dreams that I have to let go. I have to let it go. 

I still have the fucking pregnancy test. She wanted to throw it out, and I didn’t. I want to hold onto it like some sort of momento? Why? 

Because I dreamed we’d have a kiddo, and it terrified me, but made me realize how much I wanted it. And how much I was willing to grow for it… and then it wasn’t. So now what? 

I’m so in love with my pain and suffering, and also so desperate to get away from it. I keep thinking about this idea of getting on anxiety meds, and like… ok but then will I have a reason to pray 5-10 times a day? A reason breathe, to ground, to practice gratitude, to reassure myself? Will I wrestle with the heaviness of stuff or will it all be so easy that I don’t have to… and then on the flip side, what if I didn’t have to? And what if it meant I stopped avoiding all the hard things? And what if it meant I could move forward more easily without worrying so damn much about every little thing and making it all so heavy when it’s just stuff. It’s just baggage. 

I’m so fucking sentimental and I don’t even realize it. I want to honor every little thing, and then of course a day later I don’t care about anything and it’s all so easy to throw.   

I know I know I know based on all the past stuff that this will get easier, that some day I won’t be bowled over in tears, that I won’t even think about any of it that often, and that time will help. And distance and a new environment and all of that… but it’s so heavy sometimes. I am such a creature of habit, I always want to take my old with me into the new… and I ask why I can’t? 

Can’t I hold it all?

I should just get rid of half my stuff and get a 1 bedroom apartment again. Start over. No trophies. No reminders. Blank slate. 

I didn’t realize how much I was grieving this weekend. Seeing friends and preparing for a future, when none of us know what we are doing. And none of us are able to reassure. I didn’t realizing how much is changing, and how I wasn’t able to be present to myself or the things… and now I keep crying every five minutes and I’m not sure how I’ll get to sleep without distracting myself again and the cycle repeats. Maybe I’ll just exhaust myself with heartache… maybe I have already. Maybe it’s ok. 

Emotions don’t last very long. I can welcome them. I can wish them well when they go. I can trust in a greater truth, and know there is connection even when I feel disconnected. I can believe in that… probably just too much sun, and that old familiar feeling of coming home and not feeling held. 

Thanks heart, you’re trying so hard. I got you. 




Mellow

 

It is memorial day 2025. Around 8pm, a Monday obvi. 

The birds are still chirping outside and the sun has not quite made its bed yet.

I spent a good portion of the day with E out at Taylors Falls, hiking both sides of the river. Both of us rejecting the fish fry at my Mom's favorite fish and chips place because it tastes like pickles... and that is GROSS.

This weekend has felt odd. I've been surrounded by friends and alternatively head first in a computer game. Staying up too late and accidentally sleeping in too late as well. 

I did a lot of walking, probably got my 10k steps each day, but also a lot of heavy eating (Benihana with Jessica, Applebees with Illy, Taco bell after seeing Rachel). 

For such a social weekend, I don't feel very fulfilled. 

I spent a portion of today and yesterday wondering why it was so hard to feel grounded, or in the moment, or appreciative. I mean I can, with effort, and I enjoyed seeing all my friends, but I didn't feel happy this weekend. Didn't feel overcome by joy, or awe... I had a few moments of delight, but it was hard to connect to my body, and hard to connect to the present... and I guess thats what I have been feeling. 

The moments of excitement were primarily spent thinking about a new apartment, or enjoying the sunshine... but maybe too much?  Maybe I got burned and my body is recovering from the radiation? 

I dunno.  

After being around E for 4 hours, and her not needing me, and not feeling like I had to do anything, I drove home wondering why I wasn't feeling much... then I got home to my quiet empty apartment (so much stuff, so little I want to engage with), and I felt very sad. Very alone and empty. 

Part of it is recognizing how much has changed between us, wondering still if there is something that will reignite the spark. She asked me if I have feelings still, and I can't deny that I was looking forward to seeing her again for several days of last week, but at the same time, I am not trying to direct my life in a way that would bring us back together. 

It's not even that I spent the weekend talking about others stuff, I actually spent a lot of time talking about my own, and the direction I was going, and the things I was looking forward to, and at the same time, all of it feels kind of empty. It's like looking for a house, or furniture, or starting a business or whatever... all for yourself... and why?

I spent a lot of time last week getting sad and angry about politics and the hurt politicians will cause... and nothing changed... this weekend I have spent a lot of time indulging in distraction and avoidance and nothing changed... I made plans to move ahead, I saw my friends, everything is fine. 

But I am sad. I think I am really sad. 

I think I feel really alone even though I saw 4 friends this long weekend. Things feel kind of meaningless. I think I was looking forward to having time off, and after spending several days -I realized how desperate I am to not be alone with the silence. 

Its one thing in the woods, when it gets quiet and you listen to the birds and its nice. Its another thing when its your refrigerator humming, and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I feel like my heart was locked up all weekend, and I didn't know how or want to access it... numb. And it sucked. 

I have so much to be thankful for... so much that is beautiful... so many opportunities... but I just want to go to bed. 

I think thats my conclusion... that I had a wonderful weekend, but it was dulled down by feeling like I couldn't be with it. 


There is a lot more to say, different little avenues, but I am not sure I care for the thoughts that are coming out. It'd probably be better to cry than to sit and dwell.


4 days this week, and it seems like it will be pretty easy. Doctor appointment on Thursday, maybe an art thing on Wednesday... Nothing wrong. 



Tuesday, May 20, 2025

Mid-ish May

 It’s a Tuesday morning, it is raining (will be all week I guess). I am at spyhouse, there is something beautiful playing, but I don’t know the artist. Sounds a little like Haley Bonar (on some songs).

I’ve been mostly good, maybe a little down with the weather. I am not sure how I am actually, as I haven’t been doing a lot of journaling, and haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing myself the way I might normally. Instead distracting, or staying busy with productive stuff.

Over the weekend I bought furniture for the new office and got the key last week. It’s still weeks or months away, but starting to feel real. Slowly. 

I had a dream last night that I was laying in the lap of a friend, who was shirtless. People were talking about us, wondering if we had coupled up. I was wondering that too. I asked, if we were to date, would it ruin our friendship, and she replied, that’s why we have never dated or something to that extent. But I was in love and wanting more. 

In the light of day, or rather the gray and rainy gloom of a Tuesday, I am not even sure who this friend is - a mix of people and maybe some enhancements? But I wish I had that feeling again. New love mixed with comfort, mixed with lust, mixed with an “us against the world” feeling. 

It’s gonna be a long day at work, 7 clients, late night. I’m already thinking I might as well get fast food after. 

The day will be gone by the time I am done here, is all I mean.  Lately sometimes that’s how work feels, not a part of life, but the thing I do between life. Which is a reversal of how I spend my energy most of the time.

I think it’s because I want to move forward into something new, and feel held back. Like the perpetual waiting game. And a 9 hour work day is certainly a barrier to life. That itself is one of the things I’m looking forward to being different, my time will be mine. The effort will have direct pay off, and if I want to go to work or stay home, either way I get to decide. And if I want to run errands, or have a few hours off, I don’t have to feel beholden to someone else’s policies to stay within compliance. 

I suppose that is also a fear, the structure and routine and isolation will all be mine to figure out. I’ve been to the office twice and both days it seemed quiet. No one walking around, no doors open. I am looking for collective vibes, not cloister vibes. And what if I can’t find that? Then I’ll need to create my own new environment. 

Join more classes maybe. Do some networking which I’m afraid of doing too early, because right now I can’t run out for lunch easily, but maybe in July?

It feels like July is when I will be opening. Maybe August even… but who knows. 

My mom has told me she’ll pay for a vacation with her. I should take her up, but who wants to travel in the gross heat of summer? 

My health is ok. I can tell I am struggling in certain areas. My shoulder and left arm, fucked up some sort of nerve.not sure how to help that heal, but it might be time I go to the doctor. My stomach… for awhile it was doing better, but I ate a hell of a lot of sugar last night. Not sure why either, just kept eating. 

I’ve been trying to walk more, trying to get sunlight when I can. But I am not exercising or walking or anything. Gonna get air/stand desk, but will that help? Or will I leave it in the sit position all the time…

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Last week in therapy I considered briefly whether I should be on anxiety meds to take the day to day edge off. I decided no, after the session, but in session she challenged me on why I think I need the overthinking… good question?

E and I talked and walked over the weekend. Similarly, noticing parts of self.  It’s been a bit difficult to reconcile just how easy it is to hang with her, and the recognition that I had come to in the past - that that isn’t enough.  It’s a little like dating. But also, we spend at least half the time talking about the past. I am inspired by the work she is doing for herself. It brings me hope, but also I dunno. Weird to feel some comfortable,  and still want more. Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I’ve been downplaying my needs?

I’m trying to practice honesty without attaching to the impacts. Speak my truth, you know?

Speaking of truth, I’ll probably get to reading in a moment. Started a new book, and rereading some Khalil Gibran, I forgot how much that book resonates with me. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been growing into it, like it’s been guiding me. I am amazed by how brilliant it is. How it feels beyond wise - transcendent to me.  If I could hold it… 

But for now in this life, a little bite at a time. A hunger. A satiation, a turning toward and away. 

I need to stop believing to need to be something other than what i am. Sometimes I’m there. Sometimes, I am there on one level and not another. 

 








Tuesday, May 06, 2025

Tuesday night.

 

I dont know whats up with me... last night I went to bed earlyish... tonight I am ready for bed after this. Probably sit on my phone trying to drown it out.  

Today was an odd day. I woke up and went to get coffee and did some reading. I felt positive about the day ahead. Then after my second client, I just felt off. Felt like I couldn't get grounded... something was wrong, and it was easy to blame me and wonder what I should be doing differently. Ate lunch, did some work, decided I needed to journal. It was helpful, but then I had some more clients... I felt like I was as grounded as I could be, but I knew something was wrong. 

One of my clients was really struggling, the other not so much... I had another hour break inbetween clients and tried to get paperwork done, and again I felt off...

Felt like life wasn't very real. Thats what it felt like throughout the day, like no matter what you do, or how you participate, this isn't all that real. Tragic things happen... and the consequences feel real... but is there anything you can do about it? Predictable things happen, and despite knowing better, we don't or can't stop them. All the advice in the world. All the knowledge. All the best intentions. None of it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things... something is wrong. 

I found out shortly before my last appointment of the night, that India and Pakistan were bombing each other. Not sure yet if this is a full scale war, or a tit for tat thing... but the idea of the hundreds of millions going to war with one another seems incredibly scary. 

I am still feeling the unreal thing. I drove to get food, ate the food, watched a bunch of youtube and distracted myself... but it feels like I am swimming in unreality a little bit. 

A little detached from reality, and yet the feeling brings up anxiety, dread almost... something feels very wrong. I am not sure what to say about it.

I am hoping it goes away. I don't like the feeling at all.  I know there are things I can concentrate on to some extent and that makes it seem less big... but I feel a little unmoored, despite the gravity in the room. 

Makes me want to cry... like someone I love is dying or has died, and the wave of it just hasn't hit me yet. But I am too afraid to find out or do anything different. 

I've had this feeling in the past when I couldn't stop overthinking, or in the middle of the night when I haven't slept enough... or I dunno... but I kind of just want to hide from the pain of it all. Its like dread and the matrix together. 

I dunno... just needed to say it out loud. 

Saturday, May 03, 2025

Cant even think much

 

It is Saturday. I am feeling kind of emotionally or physically drained, but not necessarily in a bad way. I hung out with E for like 4.5 hours today. We talked about the past, and the present, and tried to skip planning any kind of future, while saying what we were up for... given our current situation. 

It was the weirdest mix of feelings... I cried a lot, I was relieved. I was comforted. I was reminded I love this person... but also reminded I am not in love with this person. 

It was so odd to feel on the same page again to whatever extent we can be. To have both come to relatively the same conclusions despite spending months apart and not talking. To both be claiming a better place in our lives. I am still worried about her, and I am worried that I will somehow lead her on... but it felt so weird to be near her, it was just so fucking comfortingly familiar. It was having a best friend hanging in my car, out for a walk, eating lunch. It was so easy even though we talked about difficult things. It made me wonder why I wanted to leave. Made me wonder why she wasn't coming home. And then there was also that...

The reality of how our lives are separate now, how much has changed on her end, her family, even Simba not immediately recognizing me, and me not immediately recognizing him. 

There were things that made it feel like an alternate universe, despite the ease of the connection. We walked around her neighborhood. I saw her room. Everything was different. 

My heart let go of a lot of its hurt and its confusion... but it didn't necessarily want to grasp or cling. I am not sure if she did. 

So even though I was crying and confused, and comforted- I also left feeling like... ok, that was closure in a sense. Now whatever new chapter is a new one. 

And now I am back at our home... and its mine. And I am going about my life again, and its fine, not great, not terrible.  I want to be productive, but I don't have it in me. I am doing laundry. I am maybe gonna go to a movie if I can stay awake. 

I have church in the morning, and maybe a coffee chat with folks, and maybe the mayday parade, or maybe just going to Dads for his birthday in the afternoon. And its all ok. It doesn't feel captivating right now, because I am spent... but its ok. 

I don't feel like I am heading towards anything... that part wasn't returned. And its tempting to throw my weight back into it. I could drive up there twice a week. I could get to know her family again. I could  blah blah blah... but I am not sure I want to... I mean I do want to but not the same way.  I don't want to have the life we had when I know it isn't leading to the thing that I had dreamed it would. 

And even though we are both in better places, I don't think a lot of those underlying differences have changed in a way that would make it work. I want to be her friend, I want to have her in my life again. But I don't know what that looks like. And maybe I am still really heartbroken that it didn't work out the first time. Sad for me, I guess. 



Yesterday I had therapy, and went to Costco and tried to do some business stuff. 

Thursday I went to a protest, and the coffee shop and a walk. 

None of it has been as productive as I'd hoped for in terms of the goals I had for these 4 days... but all of it has been really good. Like... I am very appreciative of this life  and the people I've been able to share it with. Whatever the next chapters are... it'd be nice to know what that is... but like... I am grateful. 






Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Day by day

Having a hard time focusing or wanting to be at work today. It’s a mix of things. But it’s making me feel kind of yucky in general and I’m anxious about not attending to stuff. Always feel like I’m falling behind. 

So some of the things: 

E having surgery

Feeling like I fucked up on paperwork

The business continually getting delayed and feeling like I’m behind and it will cost me 

Having a different project I’m kind of invested in

Not really wanting to be social right now… maybe some compassion fatigue and boredom 

A new (old) game that’s fun 

Allergies, headache, arm pain, not getting enough sleep 


I’ve had two clients today so far, and it was fine with both. I have three more this afternoon, it will be fine. But I don’t like the feeling when I’m not invested in my job or what I am doing. Every job has parts that suck, but when the thing that is usually fun and fulfilling feels dumb… that’s the problem. 


I’m not sure what that means. I kind of decided I was gonna do the spiritual direction training at some point but I’m not feeling very spiritual right now either… or I am, but I also feel disconnected. 

Maybe I want to teach again in some way. The other project is basically a video series about how I am thinking about the current crisis,  I did hours of work on Monday. I screwed up and need to redo it, but unlike the screw ups here, the idea of fixing and making that project better isn’t draining to me. At least the idea of it. So that means something right? Maybe that I need to teach workshops or do something other than sit one on one and talk with people all day. 

I have a bunch of family stuff happening this weekend. Seeing gabi at class tonight and illy for dinner tomorrow. 

I feel like I need another day off, and won’t get one till May. 






Saturday, April 19, 2025

Thoughts

 Not sure where this goes, if I had a journal I liked, it would go there but I am using a bunch of random ones and none of them feel right. So it goes here. 

I was walking the lake this morning, it is earth day and only later did I realize how many people were out doing clean up, plastic buckets, plastic grabbers, plastic gloves, to clean up plastic from the lake. 

I’d only had one cup of coffee and a migraine pill, my mind wasn’t quite awake. It settled into song and a taste of drama. I noticed the blue of the water contrasting with the yellow of branches, the slight new greens of the buds, or red berries. It was beautiful.  I started to laugh at my little nibble of drama, imagined every passer by was doing the same. All of us with chewing gum of relationship conflict and power dynamics…uncertainty and questions. 

It made me laugh. 

The breeze was out, and I wondered how many times I’d been nourished or frozen still by it. How little I remember, at 41, my middle aged self- how much have I forgotten… of course there are some memories to recall,  the easy ones, trudging through the Morris winters, but how many times while walking from car to house, to job, to a friends house, to the coffee shop, on this very lake?

How we forget. What else have I forgotten I wondered, what else am I not noticing? I started trying to take other perspectives… 

As I noticed things, I considered what I would tell a person who has lost their sight. There are robins on the ground, geese and ducks in the water, there are song birds overhead, that tree’s branches rise up to the sky, they are orange and without leaves - so that collectively it looks like the flame of a candle against the blue sky behind it, gradually my observations began to change, to become story like,  there is a mother tree, she’s on her 51st sprouting, she’s tired, but can’t imagine stopping anytime soon. There is a weeping willow, it’s been growing  slowly and for so long, it loves the fresh breeze which allows it to feel close to others, to remember it’s not so alone, it’s long strands brushing casually against a myriad of others. There is a grandfather tree, with three granchildren planted near it, they wrestle and toy about, but it stands wise with age. There are two geese who spent the winter in Alabama, normally they’d go further south, but this year was too hot, and they rested with the old  retired folks, in the pools of the snowbirds. There is a bench made of old planks that still remember Canada, they were torn, and shiver now stripped of their clothes, lacquered… and held in place by cement pulverized mountains, stones from Georgia, and the lake beds of Michigan. They remember… not consciously, but they have a feeling of their old lives…

Like those plastic garbage and recycling bins remember the millions of years they spent resting in a pool of themselves, slick oil sludge, locked in the ground, complacent… and then one day unsettled, shook free, and on a wild ride, pulled to the surface, scoured, molded, made anew… they remember being the dirt, being grass, being dinosaurs and now they eat the waste we throw at them.  

I walked around imagining the drops of water in the lake, but first each little wave, unable to fathom such a multitude, their journey from rain, to stream, to lake, to drinking water, to sweat and blood, to release, to thunderous storms… 

Each drop a human with their own drama, their own story, their own painstaking journey, Arjuna fretting over his horror that he must slay his own kin, and how old is this story? a drop drowning out another drop, a thousand of us merged with a thousand of them… and in the swirl, oh…

The lake scum, releasing its gas, like the new planet light years from here, where there could be life doing the same… how many trillions?

I don’t remember… but some part of me knows that my veins mimic the lines the tree branches and roots grow in, and that the same breath I release fuels them the way they give back to me… and that we were both forged of the sun, where hydrogen merged with hydrogen, growing more complex until it created the stones, and the soil and the lake scum, and the bacteria in my sweat, and the bark of the tree, the law multiplying and growing more complex but always- and that Buddha says the mountain has not been worn away… so how many millions of lives will take place before we remember that we were, will be, are, constant. 

I am that. 

And I smile as I walk by people at the lake, and they smile back, and there is a secret between us that neither of us can fathom at that moment. That we are.  

I walk further down the path and remember that I am the bird swooping, and the willow swinging, and the dog panting, and the cloud floating by… that I’ve been and will be and it’s very comforting to know that all is, and was, and that my drama is part of it, but also so inconsequential… and I can just love. Love the cold, and love the pain in my foot, and love the sadness in my heart, and love the runner racing by…

And then because I’m not on my last swipe… I grow hungry, and start to plan my day, and I am lost in my guise again. And that too, is part of it.