Part 2

 After some reading a lot of crying…. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard not to live in the past and the future when the present doesn’t feel so great. It’s fine, but it’s not life giving. 

I think today was a lot harder than I realized because E and I were both talking about our futures and we weren’t included in one another’s. When we talk of the past there is a shared connection point, but she tells me about her week or what is coming up and I can appreciate it, sometimes I even have insider information, but I’m not scheming to make myself part of it. 

I talked about moving on from this apartment, and in my dreaming of the future, fail to mention how hard it is to let go of dreams, memories, stories. She says she misses this place that she was so desperate to get away from, that she said she’d never come back to basically. That she misses our room, that she likes my bookshelves, that she likes the high ceilings and natural light, and all I can do is intellectualize because it feels like such a mixed message, and in it is a level of betrayal for our shared goals and dreams… and I’m kind of like, I’m so glad you’re doing better, but why couldn’t you do this then?  And I have to acknowledge it’s because we weren’t meant to be together, and it makes me wonder why she feels like home then? And also why I’m not trying to make it happen. Why I’m avoiding looking at her. Why I pull away from touch. 

Why do I dread leaving this place -because I’ll not have those memories or dreams anymore. Why can’t I move forward and not be so pained by the loss? 

I tell her I need to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad because some of it is still hers, and I don’t say out loud, I’m holding this for you because I love you and want you to have stuff that was meaningful, and she says throw it out. And I’m reluctant. I hesitate because I think she is being impulsive, and she thinks I’m being anxious and controlling, and worrying over nothing. In her words she says she doesn’t have the attachment to it, maybe never did… but I remember a dream or a goal she had once and I want to honor it… I want to honor all the dreams that I have to let go. I have to let it go. 

I still have the fucking pregnancy test. She wanted to throw it out, and I didn’t. I want to hold onto it like some sort of momento? Why? 

Because I dreamed we’d have a kiddo, and it terrified me, but made me realize how much I wanted it. And how much I was willing to grow for it… and then it wasn’t. So now what? 

I’m so in love with my pain and suffering, and also so desperate to get away from it. I keep thinking about this idea of getting on anxiety meds, and like… ok but then will I have a reason to pray 5-10 times a day? A reason breathe, to ground, to practice gratitude, to reassure myself? Will I wrestle with the heaviness of stuff or will it all be so easy that I don’t have to… and then on the flip side, what if I didn’t have to? And what if it meant I stopped avoiding all the hard things? And what if it meant I could move forward more easily without worrying so damn much about every little thing and making it all so heavy when it’s just stuff. It’s just baggage. 

I’m so fucking sentimental and I don’t even realize it. I want to honor every little thing, and then of course a day later I don’t care about anything and it’s all so easy to throw.   

I know I know I know based on all the past stuff that this will get easier, that some day I won’t be bowled over in tears, that I won’t even think about any of it that often, and that time will help. And distance and a new environment and all of that… but it’s so heavy sometimes. I am such a creature of habit, I always want to take my old with me into the new… and I ask why I can’t? 

Can’t I hold it all?

I should just get rid of half my stuff and get a 1 bedroom apartment again. Start over. No trophies. No reminders. Blank slate. 

I didn’t realize how much I was grieving this weekend. Seeing friends and preparing for a future, when none of us know what we are doing. And none of us are able to reassure. I didn’t realizing how much is changing, and how I wasn’t able to be present to myself or the things… and now I keep crying every five minutes and I’m not sure how I’ll get to sleep without distracting myself again and the cycle repeats. Maybe I’ll just exhaust myself with heartache… maybe I have already. Maybe it’s ok. 

Emotions don’t last very long. I can welcome them. I can wish them well when they go. I can trust in a greater truth, and know there is connection even when I feel disconnected. I can believe in that… probably just too much sun, and that old familiar feeling of coming home and not feeling held. 

Thanks heart, you’re trying so hard. I got you. 

Mellow

 

It is memorial day 2025. Around 8pm, a Monday obvi. 

The birds are still chirping outside and the sun has not quite made its bed yet.

I spent a good portion of the day with E out at Taylors Falls, hiking both sides of the river. Both of us rejecting the fish fry at my Mom's favorite fish and chips place because it tastes like pickles... and that is GROSS.

This weekend has felt odd. I've been surrounded by friends and alternatively head first in a computer game. Staying up too late and accidentally sleeping in too late as well. 

I did a lot of walking, probably got my 10k steps each day, but also a lot of heavy eating (Benihana with Jessica, Applebees with Illy, Taco bell after seeing Rachel). 

For such a social weekend, I don't feel very fulfilled. 

I spent a portion of today and yesterday wondering why it was so hard to feel grounded, or in the moment, or appreciative. I mean I can, with effort, and I enjoyed seeing all my friends, but I didn't feel happy this weekend. Didn't feel overcome by joy, or awe... I had a few moments of delight, but it was hard to connect to my body, and hard to connect to the present... and I guess thats what I have been feeling. 

The moments of excitement were primarily spent thinking about a new apartment, or enjoying the sunshine... but maybe too much?  Maybe I got burned and my body is recovering from the radiation? 

I dunno.  

After being around E for 4 hours, and her not needing me, and not feeling like I had to do anything, I drove home wondering why I wasn't feeling much... then I got home to my quiet empty apartment (so much stuff, so little I want to engage with), and I felt very sad. Very alone and empty. 

Part of it is recognizing how much has changed between us, wondering still if there is something that will reignite the spark. She asked me if I have feelings still, and I can't deny that I was looking forward to seeing her again for several days of last week, but at the same time, I am not trying to direct my life in a way that would bring us back together. 

It's not even that I spent the weekend talking about others stuff, I actually spent a lot of time talking about my own, and the direction I was going, and the things I was looking forward to, and at the same time, all of it feels kind of empty. It's like looking for a house, or furniture, or starting a business or whatever... all for yourself... and why?

I spent a lot of time last week getting sad and angry about politics and the hurt politicians will cause... and nothing changed... this weekend I have spent a lot of time indulging in distraction and avoidance and nothing changed... I made plans to move ahead, I saw my friends, everything is fine. 

But I am sad. I think I am really sad. 

I think I feel really alone even though I saw 4 friends this long weekend. Things feel kind of meaningless. I think I was looking forward to having time off, and after spending several days -I realized how desperate I am to not be alone with the silence. 

Its one thing in the woods, when it gets quiet and you listen to the birds and its nice. Its another thing when its your refrigerator humming, and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I feel like my heart was locked up all weekend, and I didn't know how or want to access it... numb. And it sucked. 

I have so much to be thankful for... so much that is beautiful... so many opportunities... but I just want to go to bed. 

I think thats my conclusion... that I had a wonderful weekend, but it was dulled down by feeling like I couldn't be with it. 

There is a lot more to say, different little avenues, but I am not sure I care for the thoughts that are coming out. It'd probably be better to cry than to sit and dwell.

4 days this week, and it seems like it will be pretty easy. Doctor appointment on Thursday, maybe an art thing on Wednesday... Nothing wrong. 

Mid-ish May

 It’s a Tuesday morning, it is raining (will be all week I guess). I am at spyhouse, there is something beautiful playing, but I don’t know the artist. Sounds a little like Haley Bonar (on some songs).

I’ve been mostly good, maybe a little down with the weather. I am not sure how I am actually, as I haven’t been doing a lot of journaling, and haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing myself the way I might normally. Instead distracting, or staying busy with productive stuff.

Over the weekend I bought furniture for the new office and got the key last week. It’s still weeks or months away, but starting to feel real. Slowly. 

I had a dream last night that I was laying in the lap of a friend, who was shirtless. People were talking about us, wondering if we had coupled up. I was wondering that too. I asked, if we were to date, would it ruin our friendship, and she replied, that’s why we have never dated or something to that extent. But I was in love and wanting more. 

In the light of day, or rather the gray and rainy gloom of a Tuesday, I am not even sure who this friend is - a mix of people and maybe some enhancements? But I wish I had that feeling again. New love mixed with comfort, mixed with lust, mixed with an “us against the world” feeling. 

It’s gonna be a long day at work, 7 clients, late night. I’m already thinking I might as well get fast food after. 

The day will be gone by the time I am done here, is all I mean.  Lately sometimes that’s how work feels, not a part of life, but the thing I do between life. Which is a reversal of how I spend my energy most of the time.

I think it’s because I want to move forward into something new, and feel held back. Like the perpetual waiting game. And a 9 hour work day is certainly a barrier to life. That itself is one of the things I’m looking forward to being different, my time will be mine. The effort will have direct pay off, and if I want to go to work or stay home, either way I get to decide. And if I want to run errands, or have a few hours off, I don’t have to feel beholden to someone else’s policies to stay within compliance. 

I suppose that is also a fear, the structure and routine and isolation will all be mine to figure out. I’ve been to the office twice and both days it seemed quiet. No one walking around, no doors open. I am looking for collective vibes, not cloister vibes. And what if I can’t find that? Then I’ll need to create my own new environment. 

Join more classes maybe. Do some networking which I’m afraid of doing too early, because right now I can’t run out for lunch easily, but maybe in July?

It feels like July is when I will be opening. Maybe August even… but who knows. 

My mom has told me she’ll pay for a vacation with her. I should take her up, but who wants to travel in the gross heat of summer? 

My health is ok. I can tell I am struggling in certain areas. My shoulder and left arm, fucked up some sort of nerve.not sure how to help that heal, but it might be time I go to the doctor. My stomach… for awhile it was doing better, but I ate a hell of a lot of sugar last night. Not sure why either, just kept eating. 

I’ve been trying to walk more, trying to get sunlight when I can. But I am not exercising or walking or anything. Gonna get air/stand desk, but will that help? Or will I leave it in the sit position all the time…

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Last week in therapy I considered briefly whether I should be on anxiety meds to take the day to day edge off. I decided no, after the session, but in session she challenged me on why I think I need the overthinking… good question?

E and I talked and walked over the weekend. Similarly, noticing parts of self.  It’s been a bit difficult to reconcile just how easy it is to hang with her, and the recognition that I had come to in the past - that that isn’t enough.  It’s a little like dating. But also, we spend at least half the time talking about the past. I am inspired by the work she is doing for herself. It brings me hope, but also I dunno. Weird to feel some comfortable,  and still want more. Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I’ve been downplaying my needs?

I’m trying to practice honesty without attaching to the impacts. Speak my truth, you know?

Speaking of truth, I’ll probably get to reading in a moment. Started a new book, and rereading some Khalil Gibran, I forgot how much that book resonates with me. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been growing into it, like it’s been guiding me. I am amazed by how brilliant it is. How it feels beyond wise - transcendent to me.  If I could hold it… 

But for now in this life, a little bite at a time. A hunger. A satiation, a turning toward and away. 

I need to stop believing to need to be something other than what i am. Sometimes I’m there. Sometimes, I am there on one level and not another. 

 

Tuesday night.

 

I dont know whats up with me... last night I went to bed earlyish... tonight I am ready for bed after this. Probably sit on my phone trying to drown it out.  

Today was an odd day. I woke up and went to get coffee and did some reading. I felt positive about the day ahead. Then after my second client, I just felt off. Felt like I couldn't get grounded... something was wrong, and it was easy to blame me and wonder what I should be doing differently. Ate lunch, did some work, decided I needed to journal. It was helpful, but then I had some more clients... I felt like I was as grounded as I could be, but I knew something was wrong. 

One of my clients was really struggling, the other not so much... I had another hour break inbetween clients and tried to get paperwork done, and again I felt off...

Felt like life wasn't very real. Thats what it felt like throughout the day, like no matter what you do, or how you participate, this isn't all that real. Tragic things happen... and the consequences feel real... but is there anything you can do about it? Predictable things happen, and despite knowing better, we don't or can't stop them. All the advice in the world. All the knowledge. All the best intentions. None of it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things... something is wrong. 

I found out shortly before my last appointment of the night, that India and Pakistan were bombing each other. Not sure yet if this is a full scale war, or a tit for tat thing... but the idea of the hundreds of millions going to war with one another seems incredibly scary. 

I am still feeling the unreal thing. I drove to get food, ate the food, watched a bunch of youtube and distracted myself... but it feels like I am swimming in unreality a little bit. 

A little detached from reality, and yet the feeling brings up anxiety, dread almost... something feels very wrong. I am not sure what to say about it.

I am hoping it goes away. I don't like the feeling at all.  I know there are things I can concentrate on to some extent and that makes it seem less big... but I feel a little unmoored, despite the gravity in the room. 

Makes me want to cry... like someone I love is dying or has died, and the wave of it just hasn't hit me yet. But I am too afraid to find out or do anything different. 

I've had this feeling in the past when I couldn't stop overthinking, or in the middle of the night when I haven't slept enough... or I dunno... but I kind of just want to hide from the pain of it all. Its like dread and the matrix together. 

I dunno... just needed to say it out loud. 

Cant even think much

 

It is Saturday. I am feeling kind of emotionally or physically drained, but not necessarily in a bad way. I hung out with E for like 4.5 hours today. We talked about the past, and the present, and tried to skip planning any kind of future, while saying what we were up for... given our current situation. 

It was the weirdest mix of feelings... I cried a lot, I was relieved. I was comforted. I was reminded I love this person... but also reminded I am not in love with this person. 

It was so odd to feel on the same page again to whatever extent we can be. To have both come to relatively the same conclusions despite spending months apart and not talking. To both be claiming a better place in our lives. I am still worried about her, and I am worried that I will somehow lead her on... but it felt so weird to be near her, it was just so fucking comfortingly familiar. It was having a best friend hanging in my car, out for a walk, eating lunch. It was so easy even though we talked about difficult things. It made me wonder why I wanted to leave. Made me wonder why she wasn't coming home. And then there was also that...

The reality of how our lives are separate now, how much has changed on her end, her family, even Simba not immediately recognizing me, and me not immediately recognizing him. 

There were things that made it feel like an alternate universe, despite the ease of the connection. We walked around her neighborhood. I saw her room. Everything was different. 

My heart let go of a lot of its hurt and its confusion... but it didn't necessarily want to grasp or cling. I am not sure if she did. 

So even though I was crying and confused, and comforted- I also left feeling like... ok, that was closure in a sense. Now whatever new chapter is a new one. 

And now I am back at our home... and its mine. And I am going about my life again, and its fine, not great, not terrible.  I want to be productive, but I don't have it in me. I am doing laundry. I am maybe gonna go to a movie if I can stay awake. 

I have church in the morning, and maybe a coffee chat with folks, and maybe the mayday parade, or maybe just going to Dads for his birthday in the afternoon. And its all ok. It doesn't feel captivating right now, because I am spent... but its ok. 

I don't feel like I am heading towards anything... that part wasn't returned. And its tempting to throw my weight back into it. I could drive up there twice a week. I could get to know her family again. I could  blah blah blah... but I am not sure I want to... I mean I do want to but not the same way.  I don't want to have the life we had when I know it isn't leading to the thing that I had dreamed it would. 

And even though we are both in better places, I don't think a lot of those underlying differences have changed in a way that would make it work. I want to be her friend, I want to have her in my life again. But I don't know what that looks like. And maybe I am still really heartbroken that it didn't work out the first time. Sad for me, I guess. 

Yesterday I had therapy, and went to Costco and tried to do some business stuff. 

Thursday I went to a protest, and the coffee shop and a walk. 

None of it has been as productive as I'd hoped for in terms of the goals I had for these 4 days... but all of it has been really good. Like... I am very appreciative of this life  and the people I've been able to share it with. Whatever the next chapters are... it'd be nice to know what that is... but like... I am grateful. 

Day by day

Having a hard time focusing or wanting to be at work today. It’s a mix of things. But it’s making me feel kind of yucky in general and I’m anxious about not attending to stuff. Always feel like I’m falling behind. 

So some of the things: 

E having surgery

Feeling like I fucked up on paperwork

The business continually getting delayed and feeling like I’m behind and it will cost me 

Having a different project I’m kind of invested in

Not really wanting to be social right now… maybe some compassion fatigue and boredom 

A new (old) game that’s fun 

Allergies, headache, arm pain, not getting enough sleep 

I’ve had two clients today so far, and it was fine with both. I have three more this afternoon, it will be fine. But I don’t like the feeling when I’m not invested in my job or what I am doing. Every job has parts that suck, but when the thing that is usually fun and fulfilling feels dumb… that’s the problem. 

I’m not sure what that means. I kind of decided I was gonna do the spiritual direction training at some point but I’m not feeling very spiritual right now either… or I am, but I also feel disconnected. 

Maybe I want to teach again in some way. The other project is basically a video series about how I am thinking about the current crisis,  I did hours of work on Monday. I screwed up and need to redo it, but unlike the screw ups here, the idea of fixing and making that project better isn’t draining to me. At least the idea of it. So that means something right? Maybe that I need to teach workshops or do something other than sit one on one and talk with people all day. 

I have a bunch of family stuff happening this weekend. Seeing gabi at class tonight and illy for dinner tomorrow. 

I feel like I need another day off, and won’t get one till May. 

Thoughts

 Not sure where this goes, if I had a journal I liked, it would go there but I am using a bunch of random ones and none of them feel right. So it goes here. 

I was walking the lake this morning, it is earth day and only later did I realize how many people were out doing clean up, plastic buckets, plastic grabbers, plastic gloves, to clean up plastic from the lake. 

I’d only had one cup of coffee and a migraine pill, my mind wasn’t quite awake. It settled into song and a taste of drama. I noticed the blue of the water contrasting with the yellow of branches, the slight new greens of the buds, or red berries. It was beautiful.  I started to laugh at my little nibble of drama, imagined every passer by was doing the same. All of us with chewing gum of relationship conflict and power dynamics…uncertainty and questions. 

It made me laugh. 

The breeze was out, and I wondered how many times I’d been nourished or frozen still by it. How little I remember, at 41, my middle aged self- how much have I forgotten… of course there are some memories to recall,  the easy ones, trudging through the Morris winters, but how many times while walking from car to house, to job, to a friends house, to the coffee shop, on this very lake?

How we forget. What else have I forgotten I wondered, what else am I not noticing? I started trying to take other perspectives… 

As I noticed things, I considered what I would tell a person who has lost their sight. There are robins on the ground, geese and ducks in the water, there are song birds overhead, that tree’s branches rise up to the sky, they are orange and without leaves - so that collectively it looks like the flame of a candle against the blue sky behind it, gradually my observations began to change, to become story like,  there is a mother tree, she’s on her 51st sprouting, she’s tired, but can’t imagine stopping anytime soon. There is a weeping willow, it’s been growing  slowly and for so long, it loves the fresh breeze which allows it to feel close to others, to remember it’s not so alone, it’s long strands brushing casually against a myriad of others. There is a grandfather tree, with three granchildren planted near it, they wrestle and toy about, but it stands wise with age. There are two geese who spent the winter in Alabama, normally they’d go further south, but this year was too hot, and they rested with the old  retired folks, in the pools of the snowbirds. There is a bench made of old planks that still remember Canada, they were torn, and shiver now stripped of their clothes, lacquered… and held in place by cement pulverized mountains, stones from Georgia, and the lake beds of Michigan. They remember… not consciously, but they have a feeling of their old lives…

Like those plastic garbage and recycling bins remember the millions of years they spent resting in a pool of themselves, slick oil sludge, locked in the ground, complacent… and then one day unsettled, shook free, and on a wild ride, pulled to the surface, scoured, molded, made anew… they remember being the dirt, being grass, being dinosaurs and now they eat the waste we throw at them.  

I walked around imagining the drops of water in the lake, but first each little wave, unable to fathom such a multitude, their journey from rain, to stream, to lake, to drinking water, to sweat and blood, to release, to thunderous storms… 

Each drop a human with their own drama, their own story, their own painstaking journey, Arjuna fretting over his horror that he must slay his own kin, and how old is this story? a drop drowning out another drop, a thousand of us merged with a thousand of them… and in the swirl, oh…

The lake scum, releasing its gas, like the new planet light years from here, where there could be life doing the same… how many trillions?

I don’t remember… but some part of me knows that my veins mimic the lines the tree branches and roots grow in, and that the same breath I release fuels them the way they give back to me… and that we were both forged of the sun, where hydrogen merged with hydrogen, growing more complex until it created the stones, and the soil and the lake scum, and the bacteria in my sweat, and the bark of the tree, the law multiplying and growing more complex but always- and that Buddha says the mountain has not been worn away… so how many millions of lives will take place before we remember that we were, will be, are, constant. 

I am that. 

And I smile as I walk by people at the lake, and they smile back, and there is a secret between us that neither of us can fathom at that moment. That we are.  

I walk further down the path and remember that I am the bird swooping, and the willow swinging, and the dog panting, and the cloud floating by… that I’ve been and will be and it’s very comforting to know that all is, and was, and that my drama is part of it, but also so inconsequential… and I can just love. Love the cold, and love the pain in my foot, and love the sadness in my heart, and love the runner racing by…

And then because I’m not on my last swipe… I grow hungry, and start to plan my day, and I am lost in my guise again. And that too, is part of it. 

Dreams and reconciliation

 I should probably say – my mind isn’t entirely present… and I am listening to an old recording of Ram Dass.

 

Should I start with Saturday night? Or last night?

Saturday… well, Saturday I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine, but tried to reduce the pain with some caffeine and headache meds… I went to Spyhouse and spent about 45 minutes but couldn’t concentrate after awhile and my irritation at the sounds, and people near me… I had to get out.

I took more headache meds when I got home.

I met up with Rachel for a walk, and it was nice.

I met up will Illy, we walked and it was nice.

Pete sent a text that he had his third child.

I can’t remember if I wrote that night or what… but I don’t remember being very productive Saturday night. But I was in my dreams

I only remember two concrete ones.

In the first one, I was walking around the middle school. I was a student, even though I was 41 years old. I was an adult trying to make up a credit or whatever the little situation was. I had to reenroll, and take the full amount of classes, and pretend like I cared, and go through all the motions of stupid assignments and being a student again. And that was the thing that was frustrating to me. I was the student, and each adult I interacted with didn’t recognize my experience, my age, my wisdom, my strengths… I was a pesky student to them and they were dismissive. I caught these glances of irritation with me. And I was irritated right back, but couldn’t do anything about it… they had the power.  And then for some reason I was in this gym class, but staring out into the jungle. And it was dark in the jungle, and light in the gym… and in the darkness I saw movement, and before anyone else knew that there was something attacking us, and I ran for the light of the gym, but knowing I would not make it, turned around to grab the jaguar and hold his teeth and claws away from me. Hold him down… and realized, hes not so big. And another was coming slowly behind… and the gym teacher yelled out something about me finding them, and in his casualness I knew they were his pets. Dangerous pets, but used to humans.  And the fear passed… but what else could I do.

 

In the second dream, we lived in this house that was like a hoarder’s house. It was awful and gross, and the landlord was highly controlling and wouldn’t allow us to make changes. I was dealing with this. I was dealing with all these mucky stacks of stuff, and wanting to leave, but not quite prepared to. I knew Rachel wanted to, and I knew she was relying on me leaving too. But when she came to me with her bags packed, ready to go, I had to tell her no. I am not ready, I will carry on with the commitment I made. And she was hurt, felt rejected, and even more, angry at me for not pulling myself away from the chaos. As she left, I was staring at the messy stacks and questioning myself. Wondering why I do it. Feeling super guilty about betraying and letting my friend down, but justifying it to myself. Justifying that my path was different.

 

I had to drag myself out of bed, but I made it to church. It was a good service, and I cried, and felt my mind racing with creative thoughts… and then on the way out the door I saw S and J the two women I once tried to help conceive. And rather than say hi, I froze in place. I realized I had all this fear/drama/grief/trauma/guilt/shame… and I didn’t know what to say.

And when I got home from church I took a nap… and when I woke up I wrote to them, to tell them what happened, and that I’d been struggling with the way I ended things over a decade ago… and that I was happy to see them at church, but wasn’t sure if they could forgive me. And S wrote me later in the night and said, you have it all wrong. Im sorry you’ve been holding on to this for so long alone, and it wasn’t your fault, and it was all ok…

And I cried my eyes out.

She wrote me again today. And I haven’t yet responded… but I will.

After crying my eyes out about holding onto all this guilt and shame for so long… I took stock in the other major regrets I’ve been holding onto. I googled Chris multiple times, trying to find out if he is ok. I didn’t get answers.

I felt drained last night, but struggled to sleep. My mind was determined to keep slogging through things, but it didn’t feel helpful. The heat had made my apartment too warm… I tossed and turned all night.

At some point last night, I had a dream that I met up with Chris. We were on some sort of reservation land or museum or something… it was not an environment either of us were comfortable with, but we began talking, and he was angry with me, but more so with feeling helpless and lost… and I was just another person in a list that had turned their backs when what he needed was a hug. I understood, and tried to apologize, but I also stood my ground. I didn’t want to subvert my experience to his… it was more like how I had done stuff with S and J, I wanted to say this was my experience, and I am sick of it… so I am telling you about it, accept it or not… and they were welcoming.

The dream was harsher with Chris… but I didn’t feel bad. It felt like my mind was doing the processing it needed to do. Maybe it was connecting in the ether… maybe its all connected.

I woke up today thinking that I would feel better. I thought I would feel relieved as I had last night, but instead I spent most of the day feeling anxious, and worrying I had done something wrong, wronged someone, hurt them, and would be in trouble soon. I had to take some breaks to center myself. I had to take some times to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people’s behaviors or choices…

The day turned out just fine. It was full of super heavy topics, and I still feel drained. But it was good.
Tomorrow will also be super busy.

I took Wednesday morning off… not sure why, but I did. Thursday and Friday will be average days.   This weekend is Easter.

 

I dunno… I am trying to do some stuff right now to be grounded, connected to spirit, grateful etc… and I dunno. Maybe this is the time when I feel a little disconnected.

Weird feelings

 I kind of went over this with my mom an hour ago, but since I’m waiting for my game to load…

Today was odd. Work wise, I had a client transfer to another provider, and felt embarrassed like I’d been too much, made it about me, or wasn’t listening to the client enough. Then another client asked me for a legal letter or something that I wasn’t quite feeling was ethical, and it felt a little manipulative when he flattered me later in the session. The rest of the day was fine, except feeling helpless and wanting to rescue people… and that thought might have come up because E put things on a phone calendar and I noticed she had a bunch of upcoming medical appointments, which flung me back into worrying-care taking mode in my heart… and I know I don’t need to do anything, but I’m sad. Whereas other times in the week I was really angry at her… but now I’m empathetic again and wish I could do more because I feel helpless to support folks in their suffering/taking care of themselves - which was the theme of yesterdays therapy appointment, where I described dreams and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, but also felt more confident in not jumping in - so I suppose this is a test or something - a

“ha, you think you’re over it? I’ll show you.”

And then at the end of the day I found out the company doing my credential stuff hadn’t been doing it all week (like I worries) because the email I sent them last week didn’t go through… or maybe I forgot to hit send or something… so I felt stupid. 

And today we a hard day… almost all of my clients are facing things outside of their control that are hurting them, and I can’t do shit about any of it, other than ask them if they can muster the courage to do something about it themselves and either confirm their worst fear or potentially be rewarded but there is no guarantee and the consequences would be dire if it doesn’t go well. 

And I think the thing that’s bothering me is that I know… I know that the feeling I tapped into earlier this week is true. That I actually did know best, that I actually understood, that I actually felt the reality of the universe and it was all ok… but today all the downsides showed up.. or some of them did, and I flinched… or got scared… because I’m not above it. I am of it. Even if I tap into the beauty of the universe, it doesn’t save me from the awful. 

And it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking to witness the suffering and experience it yourself.   My human heart cries. 

part 2

It's about 8:15 on Monday night. The day ended up going pretty easy, 1 cancellation, 1 reschedule, ended up having 4 male clients. I am more solution oriented with them, their feelings vocabulary is significantly smaller. 

I got home and made teriyaki salmon. It smelled like the teriyaki chicken M used to make me. It was good, but I ate too much again. 

I am listening to The Doors, feeling very adolescent. Trying to do this no social media thing. Its harder than I realized to stay away from my phone. I am not even saying no youtube, but I am trying to limit that. Insta and facebook are for the most part off limits. Might check messages, but nada mas. 

I brainstormed a list of things I could do... none of them sounded particularly interesting, so I am journaling. 

One of the first things I noticed is the silence... the place is so quiet, and when I don't have 5 distractions going... its lonely. Hence the music while I write.  Maybe leave the music on all night... who knows...

In the silence, I think of E. I think about how I am angry with her. I think about how I miss her. I think about how incompatible we were, and yet how nice it was to make a life with her.  I wonder what she is doing now, and wonder how we could ever be a couple without me worrying about her. I need to get over that... need to stop being worried. I take people into my heart and worry about them. I need to start letting them be who they are, and not hold them to what I hope they'll become. 

I need new love in my life. I need to figure out how to invite people in, and not feel overwhelmed.  I was thinking I would go to the coffee shops more without my phone... and then realized they all close at 6 pm now.  Maybe I need to be more outgoing... go to a bar or something.  No interest.  Maybe join a club, go meditate or something at one of those white people retreats. 

I guess I don't have much to say. I thought there would be more... 

Another thing I notice is my body and how it hurts. How I overeat. How i am achy and tight. I notice these things when I am not avoiding them. I could do yoga, or stretch, or lift weights, or walk on the elliptical... but I am not that bored yet... I think I will go to sleep early. I woke up at 5 or whatever... seems like I've earned a rest. 

April

 

It’s Monday, I’m at work, even though it’s very early. I showed up to finish a DA that I just couldn’t get myself to work on over the weekend. I have a busy week ahead. At least three days with 6 clients, including today. 

It took me like 20 minutes to finish the DA and now my first client is at 9 am. Have more paperwork -always… but it feels like I did the thing that was stressing me. 

It’s been a pretty good morning. 

As I went to bed last night, I contemplated trying to give up social media and mainly my smart phone for a few weeks. Reset into life you know… no insta, no Facebook, no games… what else? I was thinking I could still watch YouTube on computers, but that’s also a cop out. I think, podcasts and music would be very acceptable. Block these things, stop checking my phone so much. Maybe once mid day and once at night? 

More time for art, writing, reading, journaling, exercise, time outside, time with people, meditation… classes?

The scrapbooking class starts up this week. I don’t know what my project will be yet. Maybe the junk journal thing. 

I’ve been discontent with my body lately, eating too much, not exercising. I feel out of breath easily. My heart races. My muscles and what not feel exhausted and tight. 

I need to not spend more money during this period of no phone. (I’m on it right now by the way). I think maybe I’ll start on Friday. 

Sunday dad and Steve and I walked around the lake. Other than that I basically did chores and sat around doing nothing. Didn’t go to church. 

Saturday went to the big protest (biggest thus far) and caught up with mom. It was a beautiful event, tons of people. Ran into a guy from high school and a friend from college and the parents of a client.  Three different eras of my life and those people all saw me and wanted to say something. It’s funny, I walked around praying for the people and smiling at their signs. Random People asked me questions. I must have been perceived as open and welcoming. I’d like to have that energy. 

I didn’t do much else on Saturday that I remember- computer games. 

Friday I bought a new work computer. The clock is wrong on the computer but everything else is fine so far. 

I was thinking I need to buy stuff before all the prices go up dramatically. 

I can’t remember all the things I was gonna journal about. 

Over the weekend I had a lot of gentle nostalgia for time spent with E… just missing the comfort of her presence. It felt funny, it wasn’t about any specific experience, but just being in her presence. I enjoyed her energy and spirit. 

I didn’t drown myself in the drama… just allowed the positive to be. 

Things I am considering for the future:

Business—- I am actually really nervous, I have no idea what I’m doing. I need to make a bunch of direct decisions, and just accept what comes. There might be clients I lose, and a lot of work, and delays, and nothing perfect… and I just need to accept that. 

Spiritual direction? This seems like a good way to go in terms of training and direction I guess. 

Community during a recession/society break down… not really sure what this looks like. It’s all fear based but also I want to make something new of this tower. 

Vacation seems unlikely at this time of chaos. But I need to use up my PTO. I got like over a week. 

In one of the Ram Dass things over the weekend, he said while we are dreaming we burn up our karma… dreams allow us to live out these alternate realities, and let go of things, desires, expectations etc. I really like that idea… the Capricorn desire to be productive - hey even in your sleep you’re working. 

Other stuff I suppose. I’m still waking up. I wanna just trust, trust that everything is what it is supposed to be. Enjoy all the trials, enjoy all the downtimes, enjoy the present and think fondly of the past and future.  That’s the goal I guess. 

Harsh

 I’m not really trying to complain, but sometimes I’m really annoyed with when and how the grief hits.  

I had Stella for a week. One time I accidentally called her simba, but other than that it was fine. I mean, super annoying because she is really needy and she threw up all over my bed and floor yesterday and kept me up most of the nights (some of which Simba also did). But Tonight after I was in a rush to get her out, and stripped the bed of sheets and blankets to do laundry, and put on another set, suddenly all the grief.  Changing the fucking sheets. The silence of the apartment. The lack of living things. The chores that need to be done, but only for me. I dunno… it was heavy and sad.  It’s ok. I just wished it was over something deep or meaningful, not changing the sheets. 

I have been doing a lot better this week, but also sleeping way more… (can’t get anything done with the cat wanting attention). It’s been busier at work, which is probably a good thing. 

Yesterday I had an eye exam, nerve wracking. A nice woman cleaned and readjusted my current glasses. They were also super lovely, and I felt attended to… which I realized isn’t something I experience a lot. Maybe for a few minutes when I go to the same old restaurants. Maybe for 30 minutes by a Chinese person I can’t even see when I get a massage… but not really many other places. It was nice, but I had to rush out of there to make it to work. 

Credentialing paperwork is getting done. 

Lots of paperwork to do at home this weekend. 

Protest on Saturday maybe with Rachel. 

Next week the community Ed class starts again. 

The government is stupid. 

Saturday

I find my time and location becoming very routine. I sit in the same spots. I run the same errands. Traverse the same landscapes. 

Today it was wake up, sit in the same spot at the table, go to spy house, sit in the same spot, doing laundry like I do every weekend, sit in the same spot, go to the grocery store to buy the same things I buy every week, (I am trying a slightly different spot but with I was in bed).  I will probably continue this for the next few hours... same spots, same energy. Nothing new or different. 

Its not that I feel stuck, its just the same. I actually feel very optimistic and confident today -at least for now. Getting chores and errands done. Going to dinner and a play with my Mom later.  

Church tomorrow, maybe a protest, got a bunch of work to do... same old. 

Earlier this week I had a hard time "recovering" from that weird ecstatic state. I was drained and exhausted for much of Monday-Wednesday. I had busy days at work this week, and will again next week. I've taken on three new clients in the last month or so, and will have three intakes this week... so it feels very busy. No more sitting around watching the news and playing tetris while at work. 

It will be ok. When I leave, I'll have enough people to bring with me... that's the hope anyway. 

But as I said... sameness. home life is not that different. I am cat sitting and I find it a little annoying some of the time. The way the cat wakes me up... the way it won't leave me alone and always wants attention... but what else am I doing?  

I walked to Spyhouse today, and by the time it filled up, I was already annoyed with being there. I don't enjoy the coffeeshop scene as much as I used to, I guess?   Maybe that means I am happy at home. Maybe all along I was going to coffee shops because otherwise I was stuck in my one bedroom and lonely... Avoiding my roommates? Maybe I like my own company and have more than enough space to spread out now. I really do. And most of the time after eating, I go right into my room and sit or lay in bed. The couch is fine, but its less comfy... I guess. I am a creature of habit. 

Grief this week has been weird. On wednesday I watched severance season 2 (spoilers) and balled my eyes out when it came to the scene about the miscarriage. I missed E, and I missed what could have been, and I was so sad about what we experienced together (for much of the relationship). I found myself on the floor crying, telling myself "you're ok, its ok." and I knew that it was true. I knew it was true that it was ok to cry and be sad, and also that I would get through it and be ok. 

Today i was watching a tarot video and the lady was basically saying you needed to learn that lesson, now you'll recognize you can have what you want without having to sacrifice to please someone... will I learn that lesson?  Isn't there always compromise?   I thought I was compromising, but as I did dishes and listened to the tarot lady, it was really clear to me that by the end -thats not at all what it felt like. I felt like I was doing all the work... and being asked to sacrifice more. I know that wasn't intentional. I don't hold it against her, but I lost trust that we could have that all in relationship I was hoping for. 

It makes me sad though. On the radio, someone said "bride of 35 years..." and I thought, I'll probably never have that. I dunno, maybe that's poor thinking. I guess, I'd be in my 70s... 

I have a client who is experiencing decline -he is in his 60s. He has a son who just turned 18. He said to me yesterday, I know he is angry at me for being older, he wishes, and I wished that I would have been a younger parent.  -well... I will be in that position if I ever have a kid. 

I don't mean to make this a woe is me.  I think having more clients and being pressured a bit will get me out of my feelings of 'the end is near.'  The news is just awful.  It genuinely feels like our country is being gutted and twisted into something even more evil... and I guess I worry that we don't have the dreams to turn it back. Don't have the guts to hold people accountable to integrity. The system is so heavily weighed in their favor, that its bound to slide off into the deep end of yuck...

On a happier note.  I am moving forward with my business. I have good friends. I have things I am looking forward to. There is a lot of enjoyable stuff out there.  I might look into spiritual direction as the next training... I feel like its something I'd like to add to my website and say... hey, this can be something we talk about -and feel like I have the certification (even though it isn't a certifying area)...Another thing to add... I'll be a real existential therapist if only...

But I feel more confident in almost every area of life that I am currently managing. Life in all these areas feels content/positive?    Sure, I wish i was more creative and motivated to follow through, wish sometimes, that I was more involved in community. But at the same time, maybe I don't... Maybe I am an introvert and need to spend my time alone -or recovering from all the energy I expend. 

I dunno. The next thing? 

I wish I had an extra weekend day.  Next week is gonna be a lot of paperwork. 3 DAs!!!! But no perfectionism... that's the goal. Just do what ya can. 

Moments of truth

 Spyhouse on a Monday, the 24^th of March.  

Reading John Green write about sunsets. Wondering, why do I like this place so much? Where else would I be on a Monday afternoon that I had been meant to be working? Home alone scrolling on my phone?  At the lake? (but it’s a bit too cold)  I suppose I could go out to the Como Conservatory like I tell everyone else to do… or run errands… but I don’t really have any. 

I wasn’t expecting the day off. I was expecting a morning appointment, and an afternoon to book end, and a lot of time watching tarot videos and msnbc, and dillydallying around paperwork.  Tomorrow is a very busy day at work…

Today, I journal at a coffee shop. Sometimes I like the light, it doesn’t feel cramped here, it feels spacious, and open. Sometimes I like the people watching. Sometimes I dislike the chairs and the feel of the tables on my skin. I usually always enjoy the coffee. The noise level depends on my mood. Sometimes someone is speaking too loudly, or coughing, or fidgeting, or the music is too loud. Many of those things just started happening. It had been quiet, and I could hear my thoughts. I put in headphones, maybe that will help. I keep thinking I should buy noise canceling ones. 

 

Deep breath, get centered. 

I had all these things I wanted to journal about. Maybe a list would help.

 

·      Last night and the Krishna consciousness (as I am calling it). Perception at different levels.,

·      My fear and anxiety vs abundance, creativity, manifesting

·      Clarity

·      Dad at the lake, and selfishness

·      And of course the day to day…

 

What first?  I am not sure… maybe from the concrete to the multilevel…reverse order then. 

 

This week will be stressful with work. I have 7 appointments tomorrow, two intakes and my normal schedule. Wednesday is a little lighter, but then Thursday and Friday are basically booked up. I have therapy on Thursday I think. Its all fine, and even if it goes poorly or I am stressed I have nothing to worry about… it won’t impact anything except my level of creativity at night. I can watch severance and eat fast food instead of groceries and art… no biggie. 

 

Business wise… turned in the paperwork… starting to brainstorm around what to put on the website, looking into an EHR. I think it will work. 

 

Over the weekend I did all my household chores, saw Illy and did some art, saw both of my parents. Went to see a play at the Guthrie with my Mom, and it was amazing. A midsummer nights dream. Beautiful and vibrant. Charming and funny. Great music, great spectacle, great story telling. They made it really physical, so you could tell the storyline even if you didn’t understand every word. And Aimee one of the musicians from church was in it. Speaking of music, yesterday Chastity Brown played at church. She said she’d been attending for about 4 months with her wife. It was great. Actually kind of hard to focus on the sermon and everything else because I was taking in the music.   I guess, that is the day to day. 

Walking with my Dad. 

I really enjoy walking around the lake with my Dad, or going for walks with him. Generally, it is when we have our best conversations (since we don’t drive together much I guess). Sometimes we complain about stuff… yesterday he was complaining about Ali’s wedding and not having enough time or knowing how to prepare for the amount of people. Small things in the long run, it will go fine. But he was definitely feeling like he was responsible for all these things that he just didn’t really want to be responsible for. He made it sound like he had spoken up, but had later walked back his boundaries and was now resenting it. 

I was complaining about politics for much of it…

At some point in the middle of the walk, a woman walked by wearing stretch fitness pants, and he made a comment about how she was practically naked… and it was really uncomfortable. I think I felt like I wanted to argue, but also like he wanted to share the shadow self… the inner judgements and wanted me to be on his side. It felt yucky. I couldn’t care less what the lady wore, or rather, I support her in wearing what she wants and feel she shouldn’t be judged for it. Feel like she should be admired in whatever guise she shows up in… as all people should be. 

It was the same when he brought up George Floyd… sure he's not the most honorable man to have been martyred, but he became a martyr because he was representative of the need to respect human dignity regardless of circumstance… not blatantly ignore, judge, mistreat, oppress. It’s like there is some fundamental misalignment sometimes between this father of mine, and I. Its one thing to have a judgment and feel some guilt for it, its another to believe you are right, and better than someone else. Again… it just feels yucky sometimes. 

 

(I just noticed they were playing one of the versions of om namah Shivaya I listen to… so odd). 

 

So I was thinking about this the other day. How part of my healing path is to accept my shadow self, all the parts of me I have pushed away… tried to hide etc.  I was thinking about the differences between my selfishness and my Dad’s. I used to think selfishness was selfishness and always bad. Used to think it meant putting yourself above someone else, my needs matter more than yours, and you’ll have to deal with it.  This was the lesson I learned from my Father's actions so long ago... and it has haunted me. But I feel like at this point, my 41 yr old self, says no. I can have needs equal to yours. It doesn’t make me selfish or better to have my own needs or my petty wants. I don’t judge you for yours, so why should I judge myself for wanting my own peace of mind, or piece of the pie. I need to learn better how to put myself first, but not above. That’s my work to do. I think noticing the difference is helpful. Its like trusting the place form where it comes from is not bad, not shameful, not even guilty… On this level, I am learning and growing.

 

There is a certain amount of clarity coming to me lately… and I think its making it easier to act, and to pursue my goals. To experience life as it is, not the judgements I make of it. 

 

Some quotes/paraphrases from either tarot or online healers that have been resonating. 

“Clarity is not knowing what to do, its knowing yourself and being clear about it. From there you can act without fear, and know it will be ok.”

I think this is a helpful place to get to. To focus on the inner knowing of self, to be grounded, to be present, to feel fully myself… and then from there the world is full of possibility and I can just smile and step forward. No worries. No perfectionism. No judging self.

 

Need to remind myself of that.

 

Another, that has a lot to do with the last couple things I want to write about…

“You can always choose the level at which you experience a situation, what level, impacts how you experience it, even if the situation still happens.”

EG. You can laugh at a coup, or be horrified, or cry, or be indifferent.. But furthermore, you can see it from above, or below, you can see it as force to be worked with -ala jujitsu, or one to be met with equal force. Choose the level at which you wish to experience it, at which you feel capable… and then act in that.  But don’t forget its your choice, and that choice is always available.

 

Which brings me to the last two points. 

And right now I am feeling a little sleepy, and a little irritable with the amount of noise in here. The pushing away of distraction, or sensory input.  I came to the coffee shop hoping to meet someone, but this isn’t the type of energy I want to have if I met someone. Maybe I need to do some meditating on abundance… put the ideas I am dwelling on, into action. Maybe its time to head home and enjoy the silence of my home environment. 

I’ll probably do that and start again. 

 

 

(9pm)

The next part is like the opposite of how I have been feeling for much of today. I woke up in this space, but couldn’t maintain it. Maybe if I am lucky, I can get back there… but I just spent a few hours on my phone, took a nap, ate dinner, and then spent a few more hours on my phone because I am feeling so unmotivated and unproductive, and just like a waste of space right now... probably the food I have been eating. Donuts, don’t add energy.

 

Anyway… I am not sure how to bring this up since it is so far from where I am.   My whole thing about choosing the level you want to experience things at feels hard right now. Maybe a lack of energy, or feeling sick, or the temperature of the room makes that more difficult. Spoon theory after all. We can experience within the limits of what we can experience…

And last night, I felt limitless. 

 

I don’t really know why, but at a certain point in the night I was having a hard time getting to sleep, and I started brainstorming for the future, and started expanding my mind, further and further. Work, workshops, classes I’ve taught, lessons I’d like to impart, scientific ideas I’ve heard, spiritual ideas I’ve heard… trips I’ve taken in my mind, and in the real world… things coalesced, and I found myself considering these ideas of G-d and the universe, and everything seemed beautiful and expansive, and layered, but perfect. Like that Ram Dass video, everything was perfect, perfectly aligned within the way of things. Universes existing, times coexisting, life, the material… I felt like I was a smear of paint on G-d’s paint brush, brought to life amongst all the other smudges… sometimes the subject of a moment, sometimes a blotch in the background, but no matter what, totally part of the beauty of the universe. A testament to the creator, who creates in all moments, and creates to mirror back the parts of itself.  EG, what could a human mind fathom or perceive that isn’t A) verification to G-d’s omniscience, and B) pales in comparison… we create little objects, words and symbols, relationships and political systems, then throw them at one another, exchange them, negotiate, fight and squander… but in the vastness of this omniscience and this universe it means nothing… and yet everything. We puppets upon the strings dancing, playing our parts, holy regardless of their role. A member of a cast, a collection of atoms brought together to beautify the nothing, and make something…

And if we are breathed into by G-d, or we are reflections of her, in the whirl of creation and destruction, and creation again… then nothing is wrong, ever… nothing bad, no imperfections anywhere… suffering, pain, guilt, hurt, even hatred, just a note plucked in the symphony, dissonances performed to create a masterpiece… and our role… oh, are we vile for playing our brutal role?  The president, the warrior, the pirate, the flower, the peacemaker, the baker, the farmer, the starving, the prisoner… oh all good thingsAll living out their dollop of creation, none better or worse, just part of the perfection. And I am that.  At this level… oh the beauty and dance of the universe, and as without, so within, can you imagine the universe of microbes in our guts? In our blood? The electricity within our nervous system? The thought or image that flickers across my mind, is the same that flickers across the universe, all things connected, all vast, simple and complex. All the law of perfection…. What is a chair? A home, an assembly, a concept, a grave, a place to rest… so each of us. All things, grand and small, the micro is the macro. The blanket covering me, and the fan blowing particles across the room, like the sun blows helium across our solar system, and knocks out the wifi… like a galaxy swirling on the other side of the universe, like the swirling in the drain I just declogged of the filth I’ve shed. All perfection at all levels…. And in this vast creative space… this unending immaculate universe…

I wondered,  why do I choose to believe there are limits?

Why do I put limits on myself or anyone else? Why can’t I just marvel at the perfection of what ever occurs, laugh, smile, delight in the next breath, the next grunt, the next death?

I can be angry at Donald Trump for destroying the country I believed I lived in, or delight in the unmasking, and choose whether I want to heap new stone upon stone to build anew, or sit on the rubble and take in the stars and the starlink satelites when everything else fails. 

Nothing better or worse, starvation is just a certain set of pangs… but again, any choice, any timeline.  I often wonder, what makes a person make a choice I wouldn’t make. Why does this woman over here choose to start an only fans, or wear the stretch pants my Dad judges, while the next wears a burka? Why do I believe the limits of pickiness, of energy, of motivation… or sensory overwhelm?  Why not eat of the fruitsalad, aren’t all things from Krishna? As the man said. Any choice, any timeline, perfect. Sometimes some of the energy healers online will say, the angels, the ancestors, the guides want you to have whatever you desire as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you were put here to do, any timeline is as good as the next, you want to switch timelines, believe that you can. But they also say, you won’t be able to unless you firmly believe it, any doubt will send you back into the same cycle. If you are ready for the next thing, call out to the universe and the angels and the guides to bring it, where is my purple woman? (a reference to a video a guy made about DMT)… collectively we have chosen this, its what we believe we deserve, but there are infinite timelines where we have chosen differently, and each new choice, each real true free choice allows that shift. Why not grow like Hanuman and pace across the subcontinent? Why not shrink and dance inside the small intestine? Why not lay lazily like the lion in the grass, and later be feasted upon by the trillions.. I am the future soil, the future oil, the future rock flung across the galaxy, why not a moment of wealth, or lust, or chaos, or gluttony… and oh, of course for each choice there are consequences, natural, within the law. Why don’t I choose differently? The way I perceive and experience the law provides these consequences within this birth, within this role. Mine, might be different than yours, as Ram Dass says, I’m here, how did you get in that one? All different levels, all choices are available, but all within the law. So who do I call on?  

Some lady told me I need to invite in my Scandinavian deities (invest in the side of me that is unknown), and among them, Odin stands out, two ravens by his side, a blind eye, a hanged man, thrust upon the world tree wanting to see all. Choosing rather than being thrust into helplessness..

Not Jesus upon the cross, crying out Why have you forsaken me? (his role within the law), but a man who ties himself to it… give me this experience, I’ll sacrifice for it.  I am not Odin, but wonder if my desire to have crows near.. Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory… and what is it I do for a living? 

But this morning I found myself singing “take this cup away from me, for I don’t want to taste its poison…”  and considered Arjuna wishing the same. And inside the vast cosmic swirl within the charioteer’s mouth (another form of G-d) all the universe saying, you must perform your role regardless… we cannot have it any other way. Divine timing… all is choice, but only within the choices we have. 

 

I ask for guidance, hey universe, hey angels, ancestors, guides, aliens, whatever you all are… help me find my way home… my path, and let me be grateful, and let me not be afraid all the time…and let me find love… and let me know that you are holding all those I’ve loved, so that I don’t have to feel afraid for them, or responsible… and yet. What is my role?

 

Back to confusion. Forgetfulness. The vail. Back to worry.  Back to distrust…  

Its strange to have a glimpse of the way of things, to be one with all, and then fall out... again I am separate, discarded.  I thought maybe today would be the day that everything changes. It’s not over yet, but at some point, I went back into my habits… will again shortly. I won’t meditate tonight, I’ll probably feel sad and want to avoid it. Wide pain in the divide…

Grounded on this lesser plane, chalk full of insecurity, dullness, anxiety and conservation of energy… the material level. But this too is perfect, even if I am a worm in the very dry dirt.  I just have to remember, its but a flicker away, but I feel depleted… or lazy. Adam not extending his finger… and I guess,  I am that. 

 

 

 

masfgjhgasd dreams this week…

  

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I get exhausted and want to go to bed early like 8 or 9. I lay in bed with a heat pad- its after dinner, and I don’t feel motivated to do all those things I am supposed to do to stay healthy, like exercise, or journal, or read, or do art, or talk to a friend. Instead I pull the blankets over me and scroll on my phone, fall asleep randomly. Wake up, brush my teeth, can’t get back to sleep until 11 or midnight. Then wake again at 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 6:20, 6:30, 7… today is Tuesday and I didn’t have any morning appointments. No reason to get out of bed… I was invested in my dreams which were not comforting. I don’t recall them. I just know that they were business, or logistics, or tension, and completely without warmth.

 

Last night I had a nightmare in which someone was in bed with me. I awoke and was scared there was someone in the apartment, a notion quickly dispelled. It was quiet. My own breathing probably woke me up. 

Is it stomach pain, back and hip pain, snoring? I don’t know. I should get a sleep study done. I probably haven’t slept through the night routinely in ages. Maybe I should take a sleeping pill, minimally zzzquil? Maybe I should take a sleep med instead of a caffeine pill in the morning? 

 

I woke up feeling not rested and not very motivated or hopeful. I had hoped to accomplish something bigger today since I have a bunch of time… maybe get an eye exam, buy a computer, turn in my paperwork  for the business(waiting on IRS), create the website. Maybe I will do that after this… or just read.  

 

I don’t have any clients until 3pm. Its nearing 11:30 am and I walked myself to the coffee shop. My muscles ache. Am I dehydrated? Yesterday I had two clients, and had to finish a DA between them. It took me hours, but I got basically everything done.  There isn’t much sense of urgency, I have time… I have too much time. 

 

Yesterday morning I felt more hopeful, felt like there were opportunities and I just needed to grasp them. Move forward regardless. By midday I was feeling like time was going too fast. Hard to slow down. By 6:30 last night I had already eaten dinner and watched the news, and I was just done...

 

I want to go see some Shakespeare at the Guthrie, but I don’t really want to invite any of my friends. I asked Dad, and he said the whole deaf thing would probably keep him from enjoying it. I am asking my Mom, but I assume she will be out of town. Maybe a brother?  The protest thing is still appealing, but it looks like the next big ones will be the end of the month. They are starting to do weekly protests at Tesla dealerships, and at the Capital. I think it would be good to get to the congress people’s offices… 

 

Politics-wise, Senator Schumer decided it was better to play into the hands of the Republicans and pretend things are normal than to fight. In the continuing resolution, there was even a power give away to the President authorizing him to create new special military groups…. Uh oh, I wonder how that will backfire?   Now the courts are preparing the battle – the White House defied orders regarding sending immigrants to El Salvador without due process. A judge literally told them to turn the planes around, and the said “uh, oh yeah… no.” This is probably gonna be the show down. It feels like the slide towards authoritarianism is already a slip n slide. 

It is obvious the democrats will not save us. We will have to save ourselves…  no certainty of the future. 

 

I think that has been one of the biggest barriers to my mindset about doing what is best for me…  I don’t know what is best for me. It feels like the structure that would support my small business could erode overnight and I’d be back to being a wage slave.  My mom says, who cares… if that’s the worst-case scenario, then its no biggie. That’s basically true, better to try and fail, then never try.  Waiting on that tax form. 

I think I wrote about this over the weekend, but again… If I get the business up and running, and then move in late summer/early fall… that’s a pretty big transformation right?  A Re-start to the 4^th decade. 

 

(There is a guy sitting like 10 feet away who is clearly sick and coughing a lot in my direction. Not a great feeling)

 

That was part of my midnight thoughts when I couldn’t get back to sleep after the nightmare. What if I did die?  What if I had cancer, an aneurysm or a sudden heart attack… how long would it take for anyone to notice… I was thinking best case scenario, 3-4 days, worst case a week?  My Dad has been pretty urgent in the past if I don’t get back to him within a day or two.  It’s the thing when I lived alone on Hennepin, and slipped in the tub. It’s like… could that have been a death sentence?  Sure. 

 

I’m thinking about my health, because it would make sense to get a check up and eye exam, and probably some dental work before I quit my job. Not saying I won’t have insurance but it might not be as good…?  Who knows. Do they still recommend colonoscopies at 40? 

 

Healthcare, is another thing I need to figure out. Same with EHRs and other stuff. What I have found is that decisions on those things take me 1-2 days. I get on one track, and then look into it, and then get disappointed, and then the next day I come back and make a decision. Which is fine. 

 

But am I living into a scarcity mindset… guided by fear again?  Yeah… I suppose I am. I am trying to set up a foundation, but maybe I need to find that foundation in my beliefs of self. Whatever comes, I can manage… but the ways of the world are strange and meandering and sometimes scary.  I have some money. I have family who are capable and will support me. I have friends. I have an education and a skill set and credentials. Why am I still so scared to take risks?

 

What is possible?  Why can’t I stay in the abundance, growth, positive mindset? 

I have been wondering whats up with my distraction/spirituality back and forth lately. Its like I know it is available to feel good and free, and hopeful… but instead I stay stuck, make excuses like, whats the harm in not being part of the world for a few more hours?  I can stay home in bed, I’m not hurting anyone by missing out on opportunities that aren’t guaranteed to get me anything.  –that might be the crux of the thing, I keep attending stuff and it feels good in the moment but doesn’t lead to a different outcome. I go back to some of the politics and organizing stuff, feels good in the moment, but I’ve been disappointed that it hasn’t felt more like a home or a community I want to invest in. 

 (moved away from the coughing guy, and feel better for the distance). 

 

When it is 6 pm on a weeknight, I have this tickling idea in the back of my mind that I am missing out on the opportunity to meet or be a part of something else by staying in bed. But how many times have I been to a coffee shop and never talked to anyone? Gone to a movie, or play, or event… joined a class, or a club, or a group… and it was ok. It was just ok. Nothing life changing. Maybe the weight of the lack has pushed the scale down… so I am taking less risks.

 

But what could change if I wanted it to? 

I could talk to people more,

I could go travel,

I could start a new project,

I could join something like book club or a meditation group, or a political org,

Take a class,

I could exercise or join a gym,

I could change my life completely, move, start a new career,

So many opportunities… and lately they just don’t feel very exciting.

 

I think about the spiritual stuff… its exciting in the moment, but I am not compelled all the time. I think I am fairly content with my current career… just waiting for the next step. 

It feels like that a lot. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

Then I am sure things will happen very quickly. 

 

Love?  Yesterday I spent too much time wondering if I should try to make more effort, make more room. I am 41 and set in my ways. I’ve had love in my life a handful of times… and it has come and gone. But the majority of time, I have been alone… and I am pretty used to myself. 

 

I also spent time thinking of Becky for some reason, her apartment on University… how it felt like she was living some adventurous life, couch surfers, getting in trouble, trying to get ahead. What a weird time of life. 

 

Maybe it’s the gray sky today. Maybe I am running into a new tower… that things do need to change drastically because I have to rebuild from a deeper place. The world is big and I am thinking too small today. I probably need to spend some time in nature, some time in prayer or meditation. 

 

Maybe shave my head and become a hare Krishna, -another thought I had in the middle of the night. I remember their leader telling an 18 yr old Michael… “once I realized all things come from Krishna I stopped being picky…”  what a statement of faith. To live there… to stay in that mindset. All things (not good and bad), all gifts, to be welcomed and accepted… why is this happening for me? 

 

Why is this period of waiting happening for me? 

 

Probably because the way is being created… a path opening up… something beyond my expectations of myself or of what is possible. Do I know what direction that will lead? No. 

I am trying to stay open… but I worry my mood is boggling it. Could I have success? Yes. Could I have life changing difficulties? Yes. Could both be gifts to my soul?  Sure… new ways to approach, or see, or feel, or breathe differently. 

 

I better go home and eat dinner… I feel like I am fighting the depression and one thing I have really come to recognize is that my mind and mood slip very easily whenI am hungry.  So… good bye for now. 

 

 

 

The next day March 19

3/19/3/19/25 

I had two dreams last night that left me feeling somewhat shaken when I woke up.

In the dream, just before I woke for the day… I was trying my best to follow through and prepare for a social event. It might have been a wedding, or a party, or a dance… but as I prepared, I realized I didn’t have the right clothes to fit in at the party. So, very last minute, I made the effort to run to the mall, run around stores, purchase a nice shirt and a tie, or maybe a suit. I wanted to make sure I didn’t stand out too much, not because that would have been bad, but because I wanted the focus to be on something other than me. I could perform the role, and have a good time, and not worry.

I woke up to an alarm. 

I went back to sleep and time had passed. This time, it seemed to be Lacey who I had gone to the event with. It was the following morning, and she was disappointed. Why?  It turns out we went to the dance, and everyone had a good time, but I was hindered by my anxiety… she described the particular way I held back critically -(very in line with my normal dance moves when I am just listening to something). She implied that rather than be part of the event like everyone else, I kept myself separate, and that therefor she couldn’t enjoy herself to the extent she wanted to. I was defensive, both personally, and sort of generally…  “really, everyone was dancing?”  I pictured them in the dream, a whole crowd where every individual is dancing (like in the movies) and I am the one wallflower sticking to myself. She said yes. I was the only one. I felt more defensive… I wondered why my being myself was such a hardship for her… and as she talked, I realized (somewhat of a lucidity in the dream -likely caused by the fact it was in between alarms) that I hadn’t had any direct memory of the experience. I told her this. I’m not there yet, I haven’t gotten to that part of the event. She seemed confused.

I realized I was trying to argue about something that I hadn’t experienced yet, and that I was planning on catching up in time with her.   Then the next alarm went off.

I woke up sort of crabby, feeling criticized and responsible for ruining someone else’s good time. This felt like a theme that I am all too familiar with. That something I do or say, or my way of enjoying something isn’t good enough. I was irritated, trying to defend myself, trying to think up ways that I could please… and also irritated that people who claim to love me don’t accept me, and instead point to my ways of being and criticize.

In the shower, I considered that this dream wasn’t about Lacey, or anyone else… it was a part of me saying to another part of me, why do you always let your anxiety hold you back?  Why can’t you just enjoy yourself, let go, be part of things that other people enjoy?   I am not sure I have an answer to that, but it felt like a call to wake up… In the shower I started questioning whether I should be on meds, even a PRN for social occasions.  Something to make it a little easier to let go, and not be uptight, and afraid. Something that makes it easier to act on my goals, and desires without muddling around for a few hours/days/months…

I decided that I need to take steps forward on the business, so I emailed the lady I was ready to drop off some paperwork…  even if I don’t fully feel ready. Need to get back into the motion, the forward momentum… it doesn’t have to be perfect, perfect is the enemy of good, and good enough…

But even now, I have been delaying most of the day. Feeling like I haven’t met my goals, or tried hard enough… feeling pressure to perform at a higher level… and part of me goes to that other voice… why do I have to perform for others? Why fit in?  Why am I not already enough… loveable in all my nervousness? Isn’t that good enough?

 

 

The other dream was probably more odd. I walked through a house or building, and snuck up on a woman I thought to be familiar. It felt like surprising a loved one… but then I realized she was not the person I had thought, but it didn’t seem to matter. She embraced me, and the new situation, she became a lover… and I had the odd reality of bringing her back to my bed, which I shared with E, and with some guy… (he never spoke and I don’t know who he is). E was obviously hurt, upset, but also played along… and at first it seemed like she was trying her best to be accommodating, welcoming, but bitterly. She had some sort of key to the woman, and she held it -like she had to deal with an animal she didn’t particularly like… kind of like “eewww take this away.”  And over time I realized her discomfort and asked her for the key. She gave me a look that simultaneously said something alone the lines of “really, you’re leaving me for her?” and also “thank god, I don’t really want to be responsible for this.” And I took the key and turned away from her…. Gradually she fell off the bed, distancing… until she wasn’t  quite present, even though she was. I turned my attention towards the new woman… and indulged in our love… I am still not sure what the other guy was doing there. 

I woke up feeling so mixed on this dream… it was probably the middle of the night, but it felt like I was falling in love with someone (positive), and also like I was losing someone I love (negative)… and I felt sad… I felt like I had betrayed someone I care for.

I am imagining, by light of day… that that is exactly how it will feel when I meet someone new. It was the same with Alexis and Becky. I felt like I was so excited to meet this new amazing person, and be charmed and swept up in it… but also I felt like I was losing someone I loved in the process. And I know that has already happened with E… and that it is ok. But I just have this feeling meeting someone new will be full of grief, bittersweet.

 

Today is a fairly cold, gray day. I an not feeling inspired to fall in love. I am feeling kind of heartbroken, but I don’t really want to cry. I have three more appointments tonight… and a desire to feel productive but for what and for whom? 

I took out salmon… the one meal E made consistently for us. I will probably be having grief for dinner.

 

 

Yesterday I was feeling like this too. Midway through the day I did a guided meditation, and fell in love with myself and this life. It was really heartening… part of the imagery was climbing through the world tree to go meet your future self… and I imagined this branch of my life with its twists and turns, its bumpy bits, its ever growing… imagined it not just as a single life, but the span of my soul as it grows, learns, returns to source, imagined that every little thing is happening for me, and not to me… and I was touched, and glowing and full of appreciation and joy.

But by last night I was in bed again, not necessarily feeling like I was headed anywhere...

Not feeling closer or connected. 

I sent the email.

I made plans for the weekend. 

I will follow through with some stuff. 

I will probably go connect with some coworkers after this…

But oh the bittersweet and melancholy eh?

The next morning March 20

I had this weird dream last night. It wasn’t upsetting but I’m finding it upsetting this morning. Maybe I

Shouldn’t. Maybe it was saying everything is gonna be ok. In the dream my family was on vacation, somewhere near mountains, a lake, hotel. Very briefly Pete and Kevin showed up. They’d just been for a walk, and I’m pretty sure they got high. I asked them a few questions and they didn’t really say anything, Kevin more so than Pete. And that’s odd because Kevin was always very talkative. I wanted to hang out with them, or have them come back and hang with my family, but they seemed reluctant to come with me, so I told them I’d meet up with them after checking in with my family. 

I went to my mom and Grant, and asked about how big the lake was, wanting to walk around it. They said it was an easy walk and I got ready. Then as I was nearing the lake, I felt worried about bugs, and worried that the sun would set before I got back. I looked for Pete and KJ, I don’t know if I found them. The dream continued with me walking around trying to find the things I needed throughout the hotel. But never making it to the lake, and even if I did connect with the boys, it didn’t seem like for very long. I was worried they were mad at me. 

When I woke up I remember KJ was dead. And it chained a bunch of thoughts together of why he wasn’t communicating in the dream. And then I wondered why Pete was with him… and then I started to worry. I don’t really want to say anything or cause alarm, but sometimes these types of things happen in dreams.  A death in a dream doesn’t have to be a death. Getting high in a dream doesn’t have to mean getting high… sunset and darkness around plans don’t mean the end of adventure… but it got me all teary eyes thinking about it. 

Everyone seemed fine in the dream. There wasn’t sadness or anger or hurt, other than my own. I think that’s what was weird about all the interactions, I was the only one that felt uncomfortable. 

Knock on wood everything is ok. Love to you all.