Just need to say this

 

I’m so mad at myself for not being normal enough to have kids. I’m so sad that I probably won’t have them. I feel like my heart has become too hard, and I’ll never really love without holding back… 

And I’m kind of devastated that I wasn’t dumb enough to fuck up in a way that gave me kids. Maybe I’m infertile anyway or something… I just. I feel like half of life has been cut off early. 

I don’t know if that’s how other childless people feel, but I feel that way right now. And I’m so sad and mad at myself. 

I watched this video and this girl just starts the video with “hey baby… “ as she is talking to the viewer and I had this thought about what if I did a video every time I had a moment I wanted to shared with my child… (and I thought of the miscarriage)  and I just fell apart. I want to go to bed now, even though that’s not healthy. I know I should have compassion for myself or do some self care or turn it into creativity… but I’m just kind of like what’s the point? 

I have a really long day at work tomorrow.

The world is fucked up, and I fucked up. And I don’t even have anyone to share the fuck ups with. 

So that’s tonight. 

I’m not suicidal or anything, but if I ever am. This is my note. I tried really hard to do the right things, but I didn’t. I know it.  And I don’t have anything to show for it. 

Holiday weekend

 

It was a good 4-day weekend. Time spent with family and E. Got to see Simba though it sometimes feels like he doesn't remember me anymore. Saw her new place. Not sure what the deal is there, but I am glad she has some distance from family and is in a safe and comfy spot. We walked 9 mile creek in the snow and then went to an Osaka that is now called Samurai, and both decided that Benihana is much better. 

I spent much of the 4 days practicing self-care. Took a few days off from screens -hoping to limit them more in the future. I started playing guitar again (around 2 hours so far). Started writing a song, and busted out the old audio recorder thing I used 15 years ago. I also spent about 2 hours in the apartment gym, so I am using the amenities! YES. Still not sure the apartment is worth the cost, but I figure if I go to the gym twice a week that's pretty good, that's like a $100 membership to a gym, right? I'd still rather go for walks, but it also snow stormed this weekend... so tough to get around. 

I am feeling a little brain dead. I'd hoped to do some creative writing or brainstorming tonight. But it seems like the blog today is mostly just a recap...

Did some supervision CEUs... need to do more in December, but feeling mostly on track for licensure in Jan. Did not do a few other work things (paperwork, Medicare) but I can do that Monday, Tuesday. Had a bunch of people reach out this weekend for appointments... so it feels like I might have to start a waitlist soon. I kind of like having a day or at least a half day empty and it seems like peeps want appointments.

Thursday this week is consult. Thursday next week is a Christmas concert with my mom. Gonna do therapy just one time this month... one chiro appointment, maybe a massage? It seems like the physical therapy has done wonders, and now my shoulder is roughly back to normal. Still a bit tight, but I can lift weights and move it pretty much. Maybe I will cancel the appointment in January. 

Listened to some Louden Wainwright III and 311 today. The LW cd is has a lot of songs about aging and loss, and rediscovering or accepting where you are at. the 311 cd... um not really a theme (Soundsystem) come original?

Spent some time yesterday thinking about an art project and kind of designing it. If I keep up with the no screens, I could imagine it getting finished this year.  

Time with family was good, mostly centered around the chaos of the littles. It is hard for me to imagine having little kids, the mess alone. And yet, the idea of existing for another 10-40 years without a family seems kind of pointless in some way. I don't think it is, but I also understand why childless people might decide to let go once life gets hard, like who is gonna take care of me anyway?

Considering changing churches, I think I need to explore the ones over here. It's mostly because there is staffing changes happening at first U. I enjoy their services, but maybe I could find the same elsewhere.

Not sure what else. Apparently going to the gym right as the sunset wiped me out. I ate lunch at like 3:30 so now I am not sure if I call it a night and go to bed at 8... or try to wait to have another meal. 

Seems like a weird day. I woke up at 11, so everything has been off. 

Maybe I'll get a new wave of energy in an hour or something.

I was thinking I should start writing essays for the blog rather than just venting/journaling. What could I write an essay about?  RIght now, nada.

Haircut? Or sad

 

Mental health is so weird. Being a therapist is too. Yesterday I woke up feeling anxious, then felt depressed, then pulled myself together aa the sun broke through on my walk to work. I got to my office and drank coffee and used a happy light and got some work done. I felt prepared for my first client, I had a good time with my new supervisee, I joked with another client, and with the last I felt overwhelmed and urgent and like i fucked up by giving unwanted advice. I sat in my office for 30 minutes doing nothing as the sun began to set, then walked home trying to remind myself I’m not a fuck up. Awed by the swings my mind can do in just moments, trying to be grateful, trying to let go. 

I got home, made dinner, did some Spanish, some physical therapy. I went to bed at like 8:30. Woke up three hours later with my mind doing 5 things at once, all of them kind of stupid (replaying a song I saw 30 seconds of at some point in the day, playing risk, trying to reassure itself). 

I spent like 20 minutes in bed half wanting to go back to sleep and half trying to convince myself that there must be something more to this recent bout of shame, fear, vulnerability and insecurity. Why am I suddenly swinging all the time between these things? Why does it feel like work just to have a cogent thought. 

I have some big fears that keep surfacing. I’m afraid I’m really unhealthy and don’t even know it. Like maybe my heart is gonna give out. I’m afraid I can’t stop eating sugar as evidence by the half a lie I’ve eaten even before thanksgiving, the constant candy etc. I’m afraid I’m not gonna find someone to love, or maybe that I’m not even interested sometimes, I’m afraid if I do find someone that I will have to give up other people to love, im afraid I’m fucking up at work, I’m afraid I’m not doing anything with my life, I’m afraid I’m wasting my life, I’m afraid of how others perceive me and that they are judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I’m afraid I’m doing harm.

I dunno… I just feel so ungrounded in these moments and in the next totally logical and even optimistic sometimes. 

I feel like I’m picking up way too much of other peoples stuff… some of this doesn’t even feel like me. I also worry that I’m totally off, and not really hearing anyone, lost in my own world. 

I feel very insecure physically. I think some of it is the haircut and people noticing. 

I’ve been wondering if I should be on meds again. Maybe that would make things easier. But I’m also like… why am I afraid of feelings? Nothing is actually wrong, nothing is on fire. I’m literally just reacting to my own thoughts and feelings… like oh? You’re uncomfortable with your hair cut or your body? You can work with that. Oh you are worried you’re addicted to sugar or screens? You can work with that. Be bored, be creative, read a book, draw, write… do something besides distract yourself, meet someone, travel, pick up an instrument dance.    So many options and you’re trapping yourself in the smallness of your mind rather than embracing the wholeness of reality.  

I’ll probably distract myself after writing this. 

I remember during covid some of these feelings would come up. I’d go to work and be “helpful”, and then wonder whether it mattered that I lived or died, and then wonder if it mattered  that I couldn’t answer that question with anything that felt important.. like yes and no, no and yes, and so ultimately meh, not really. 

So replaceable, so intangible and weightless in the larger sphere of things…. I think about plague victims, human beings with every bit of beauty and awe, and awful, as us… dying, suffering by the thousands, millions. Families and villages and nations wiped out in the span of days or months. And each of them wondering why? Why their life did or didn’t matter. Why their life became consumed by a different life, the gnashing of teeth. 

Change is the constant.

I think about how dismissive I’ve been of my life lately. Someone gives me a compliment because of my hair cut and because I don’t like it, I tell them I’m not sure yet. 

Someone gives me a congrats on starting a business and I tell them I don’t really care about it. 

Someone tries to tell me or show me they love me, and I don’t have the time for them.

I dunno… this ivory tower living sure isn’t it. But I also don’t know what else to do. The thought of moving again -even next August, seems like a lot of work. The thought of finding a new job or office space… meh. 

I think ideally I find a project or an organization to dedicate myself to, maintain what I have and throw myself into something else, so that I’m not feeling lost and disparaging myself. 

Men alone, become sicker statistically. 

I figured I’d write this stuff down not because it means anything in particular, but just because though I’m not sure it’s good to dwell on, it’s also not good to avoid. I fear I’m avoiding something, and I don’t want to do that. 

Maybe more vitamin d tomorrow. 

What is real what is you?

 

Its a Sunday. I slept in because the only time sensitive plans I had were cancelled yesterday.  I was social the last couple days, and figured I'd be using the day to prep for the week and do nothing. 

At some point in the very early morning I considered avoiding my computer and phone all day. I need to do that more often. But I figured I was gonna do some work today, and probably watch church online. 

It's been kind of wild day in an odd way. When I woke up I had this slight awareness that nothing was real. That the stories I tell myself to propel me through the day, to motivate, to get shit done, to have goals, to have accomplishments, to have relationships or a personality... none of it is really real.  The feeling has come and gone throughout the day. It's not quite depersonalization or ego death, its more just a glimpse of that. It's not quite depression, but I could see it turning to that if I listened. I did some stuff, some laundry, made a smoothie, did the dishes, got groceries. I ate breakfast and lunch, I texted a few people...

But the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I can concentrate and focus, other times not. I can watch shit and not lose interest, laugh along with stuff, be impressed. But I also sometimes have a thought and it slips away without anything happening... and that is kind of off putting while at the same time I am not sure it matters once I am in the mindless state. 

I watched a video that said all the red flags are you, and I agreed with every point about that personality I have and its weird stories.  I watched a hypnosis video that called attention to your mass/matter, and thought how funny it is that we gain and lose mass/matter without ever noticing or feeling different that part of me is new of changed.

I watched church online and I was curious about the drama behind the scenes. One of my favorite church leaders is leaving the church and he hinted that it had been a hard time for him. Another left about 6 months ago... what is going on?  Part of me wondered if I also want to leave that church? It was a new member ceremony and it felt odd to welcome people into a community that I was feeling less, communal with. 

I dunno, its been an odd thing today. At one point I got sleepy and sat on the couch and basically fell asleep, I went and took a nap. The sun set. Time passes. Suddenly it was 5:30... where has the day gone?  What does it matter? 

I have some work I want to get done tonight still. And I know I need to eat dinner. And I was planning on journaling or something... I gues this is that. 

On friday I hung out with E, made salmon, read tarot. The time went quick, but I was nervous and odd the whole time. I felt like I was trying to make her happy, but also averse to making her happy. It was weird. I am not sure who I am or what I want to be. She asks me so many questions... last night I had dinner with Illy and she was doing the same. I talked and talked and somehow in talking and feeling more and more myself, I also felt like I was losing myself. Its and odd feeling.

I saw some of my teacher coworkers yesterday and we went for a walk at 9 mile creek down in bloomington and it was beautiful. At some point we talked about politics and I got so angry, and then I realized my vision had completely narrowed and I was only looking down at the path in front of me instead of marveling at the beauty around me. It was so simple to change focus, but it felt like in being wide eyed, I'd lost all ability to name, direct, control.

I was telling illy I feel like I've lost my ability to trust people... or maybe its more like I expect everyone and everything to fail... and I don't trust my ability to get back up?

I am living so unnaturally, a whole day off to do nothing, alone... I wonder how many humans who weren't exiled from their community ever did that.

I am not sure what I wanted to say. I have been eating too much, and preparing to hibernate. 

My tarot cards today were the hanged man, the hermit, the 7 of swords and the 7 of wands. I thought I was taking time off to figure out who i was and what i wanted to do with my time and energy... turns out I was just being a lump, disconnected from reality... and maybe thats how I actually spend most of my time, disconnected and pretending that I am connected?

Who knows. 

I better make some dinner or something. 

Feelings

 On Sunday I went to an event for a clinic I used to intern at. I was preparing myself to run into M, and built myself up to feel confident, self assured, then got all sorts of wound up in the drama in my head, then laughed it off. 

She didn’t show up. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I hadn’t seen most of the folks for a few years. Turns out they were trying to have like a brainstorm/ restart on the clinic. I was able to share what had been meaningful to me in the past, and a few ideas about the present and maybe even the future. I found it to be a really cool event, and it made me miss being involved in organizations, missed having a shared mission and a team to work with. 

One of the board members asked me to email the director with some ideas. I sat in my car and wrote out an email, and began to imagine myself giving presentations at the universities trying to create enthusiasm about their mission. It felt great to brainstorm and be creative about something other than my own stuff. I road the wave of it into the next day, when I was confronted with my own therapy practice again. It was a good day with clients, today too… but I miss the sense of belonging, and I miss having a team. 

It also made me realize there seems to be a difference between me creating my own projects - like workshops, and the idea of helping others, or representing someone else’s mission. I could run classes or groups now, but I dont feel enlivened by the idea of doing it alone. 

So I’ve been thinking and wondering about that… it also made me realize how much I miss my old jobs because of that, and exes who I’d come home and brainstorm with. It felt like I had a teammate. Now… not so much. 

Today I struggled to get my head fully present. I felt like crying all day. Clients were good, connected with a prospective client as well as a coordination of care call that went well… but I was partially absent… something in me felt sad and angry and raw… a lot of my clients feel that way now, and I’m sure I picked up a bunch of that these last few days but also something stupid happened 2 blocks from my office (an ice raid) and I let other people in my building know… but it felt violating. Even though I wasn’t involved - found out later one of my old coworkers was… but it felt violating to think about how a client might be trying to get to their therapy office and get caught up in that. Or, people living or working in the fucking neighborhood! This is my neighborhood now, and some fuckers just ran in with weapons and pepper sprayed protesters and it’s just evil. 

It’s awful. I had this weird moment where this construction worker (white guy) who I was informing looked me in the eyes with the same “it’s fucking bullshit” attitude and I didn’t know him, and I was just moved by the fact that he was so quick to anger and protection like he was thinking about people he knows and works with, and his first response was so quick to that feeling of recognizing it was sooooo hurtful and scary, and angering.  

I didn’t know what to say, I think I nodded. I was caught off guard. I just wanted what he wanted and I didn’t know what else to do.   I mean, basically I was super sure everything was gonna be ok in my building, but wasn’t sure if people were coming into the building today… and I didn’t want anyone to feel scared or hurt. 

Ad I was walking home I was being a little less kind to myself, and I kept having this Ram Dass quote pop into my head - it’s from a video I used to watch every day before work, “you do what you do because your human  heart hurts…”   And then my mind would skip later in the video, “there is another part of me that is looking at the universe as it is, and saying “yes and this too.”

But I don’t think I could really stay with either of them. I watched the news and played games. 

It feels like there is an ache… I am sad. I don’t think I’ll cry tonight… I probably need to be less empathetic this week. 

11/15/25

 Its 9 pm on a Saturday. I'm in my bathroom at my normal spot at the island counter

Had dinner with my mom and grant last night. It was nice.  

Spent about 4.5 hours with Gabi this morning.  Was it really that long?  I was supposed to hang with some old teacher crew... but they cancelled and having just spent a bunch of time being social I was kind of ok with that.  So instead I came home and at lunch, then walked to Dogwood and felt uncomfortable in their chairs... (I need a new coffee shop). Some of this will undoubtedly parallel what I journaled there. 

What am I even journaling about? 

Sometimes I am not even sure what my life is anymore. 

"I will be light, time will continue without you, so in the end it's not about you."

I was talking with gabs about life, about disability, about healing, about our journeys and professions. 

I told her that even though she has faced a setback and might even launch into a new career, she is still herself and just finding ways to do it in a healthy way.  

I feel like I am applying that to myself for the most part. For the most part I am living out a healthy life... but it's so limited. Its work, and friend and family, but not a family of my own. Its small acts of creativity, but nothing to show. It's showing up for church but not having a community. It's showing up at protests, but not being involved in an org. Its maintaining my apartment, but not really feeling all that at home. 

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like I live deeply into a very small puddle, and it's not truly a fulfilling puddle... or like it's not enough to sustain a life. I'll need to find a bigger puddle. 

I think the difficulty is that the only place I really feel like I could push and make bigger right now is work... and that's the imbalance I am trying to get away from. 

This morning though, I woke up and decided I should really make progress on some of those long term goals -the 'bucket list' that isn't much of a bucket list. It's basically individual goals that I don't need someone else to accomplish... 

I am sure I have put these on here somewhere...

1) A cd or book of poems

2) learn to play a few songs on guitar (this would presumably mean that I learn them long enough that I could always pick up a guitar and play around). 

3) learn Spanish well enough to have conversations (this would presumably mean that I keep up my spanish enough that I can engage to some extent throughout my life). 

4) 6/7 continents aint bad.

5) finish the novel/series?

6) Grandpa videos  -this was an old project and it never turned into what I wanted. When I interviewed my Grandpa, he didn't have much to say. I realized I'd have to enrich the video with pictures and other stuff... and it started to feel like too much work. I always make things bigger than they need to be.

That's basically it... I make progress on Spanish -at least 5-20 minutes a day. I haven't touched the guitar in years. But I woke up this morning and thought "You know, you could publish a poetry book."   And for about 15 minutes today I thought about curating and editing a small book, self publishing and then not really sharing it. I don't really want a big audience; it's a personal goal... but maybe it will give me more experience for publishing the novel if I ever finish it. And then I would have something to hold in my hands, and not worry about people stumbling upon my blogs and 20 years worth of scribbles. 

I'd be like yeah... I wrote some stuff... it's not great but I like it. And the process itself would force me to wrestle with creativity more frequently, which would be good, because right now it feels like I am just avoiding it at all costs.  Today I wrote a little thought thing, not really a poem, but maybe if I edit it. 

I wrote some early in the summer?  But yeah... generally not doing much. 

I'm still somewhat interested in the idea of spiritual direction, but I am not sure it will really add much to my life. I feel like to some extent I'm tapped out on learning the next new thing... and now I should really read a good novel or something. Something to take my mind to different locations. 

I should probably set more time limits on screens. Listen to music... draw... write... play a few guitar chords. I mean arguably, I could probably complete most if not all of these goals within a year or two. 

I can speak Spanish like a 2-year-old. I don't practice with anyone... maybe I should be talking to Gabi in Spanish. 

I don't really want to go to Australia or New Zealand these days.   I think my next trips may be Mexico City, maybe DC or NYC, Portugal and Spain, South East Asia... those are the spots closer to the top of my list. Australia might be an indicator that I have a terminal disease... 

The novel could be published... if I got away from my giant idea of publishing it as a series. The project just got bigger and bigger (eye roll).  Maybe if I do a poetry book I should limit myself to like 30 and then I don't have to worry about it too much. If I did it as a zine with art, it would be even easier... but I kind of want the published bound look -not the things I did in high school. I suppose in that way I am already an accomplished author. Funny. 

Yeah so basically, I am saying my life is really easy. Work seems to be getting easier and easier. Less to worry about. More recognition that I can make it work and put in more effort if I am worried.

I have a list of stuff I need to do for the business, and for my life and I am not really trying on any of them. Health and dental insurance, some financial things, some legal stuff, some professional trainings... a few items for the office. It's simple stuff, and it doesn't seem to be a priority. I think maybe I like to have a list sitting in the background to feel like I have things. 

I wonder if that's why this "bucket list" doesn't seem to motivate much. I mean I got started... and now its like... ok finish it when you want. 

So it's probably time to start looking for a date. 

I think about other stuff I've been considering lately, volunteering, organizing, teaching, clubs, classes.

The tai chi thing was alright, but I am not actually all that interested... I forgot to do physical therapy yesterday and I am avoiding it tonight... (just did a little, probably need to do more when I am done). I'd prefer to go to an open mic, and get back into that kind of thing than the tai chi. Maybe I should check on the qigong. I dunno experiences, its like going to that shamanic class, or the reiki class, or Hare Krishna meeting, its like you try stuff. It's good, even if you don't make it a habit. I've done martial arts. I've done some types of dance. 

My mental health is funny... I notice getting anxious all the time, but I have ways of coping and recognizing. I am not sure if my beliefs of self are accurate, but they aren't getting me in trouble. I am functioning just fine. I am probably not "living up to my potential" but I don't feel guilty or ashamed like I used to. I mean sometimes in a motivating way, but not really in a "you're a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything..." kind of way. I am pretty genuine, even if I don't always express my feelings in the moment. I do avoid a lot of social situations, but I also don't really enjoy a lot of social stuff. 

I don't necessarily enjoy the time alone (hence so much distraction), but I don't want to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else, and everyone else is telling me about shows they are watching on netflix, so I must not be too far off -watching my youtube. 

I think its just that I'm so much more aware and accepting than I used to be that people just are who they are, and their lives are not going to be nor should they be perfect. It's like "yeah, you might figure that out, or you might keep doing the same old... and who cares."  \

Maybe having a horrible person for a president helps take the perfectionism away.

I dunno... I don't want people to suffer and make mistakes, I don't want to either... but we will. We will. Again and again... so why dwell too much. 

Feels like time for a shift, time for a change?  as if I didn't just rearrange my whole life 

--whats next universe and in what ways am I blocking my own blessings?

What could I let go of?  what could I add more of? 

What is nourishing, and what diminishing, and am I willing to forgo the latter for the former?

My sweet tooth and iltosha are still present...

Should I be a monk?  Should I be a poet? Should I join a choir? 

Should I swan dive into the sharks or the lions den or throw myself into an hielo vehicle (a word I can never hear when spoken, only recognize it when its written.

Maybe its time for more side walk chalk... maybe I need a horse or a wolf dog, or a guinea pig.  

 

Ram Dass answer to my situation

 https://youtu.be/wUqyE_sTRf8

Free journaling for an hour, I replied to Eduardo asking me how im doing

 Been struggling to figure that out lately. I went through a few months where I was starting my private practice and worried about money and trying to get everything settled and stable. I moved across the river and have been working out of my new office and trying to meet new colleagues and establish new routines. Felt like I was working towards something, even if it wasn’t exactly fun all the time. Now (since about mid october) I feel a little more stable and a lot less clear about what I’m supposed to do with my time and energy.

I’ve been going to more protests and things, but not feeling like committing to organizing - cuz it’s so exhausting. 

Been trying to say yes to random things, like the singing thing in the bar. Been seeing friends and family. Trying to keep up with the news… being very functional -as in keeping my apartment relatively clean and cooking, and trying to exercise a little and pay bills and what not.

But not feeling very inspired or clear about what comes next. It’s a little boring. I am sure I could create a more dramatic narrative, but it’s kind of like I rush to get a stable platform underneath me, and then sit on my ass uncomfortably- unsure what to build on it. Not feeling inspired by the outside world, and not feeling very ambitious myself. 

And my country is a shit show… and it’s obnoxious how every day there is a new headline to grab the attention and direct the outrage, but nothing seems to change. Lots of protests, but similar to my personal life, unclear of the direction - definitely feels like shit will get way worse before it gets better, and it’s very easy to be cynical in recognizing that it is all our choices. 

Trying to focus on little stuff, local stuff, eg local workers, local environmental stuff. Seems more possible. 

Trying to give back in the ways I can, as in not stressing when my clients who are way more scared or stressed than I am, miss an appointment or can’t pay me. Or like buying my broke friends a meal or taking them places when they don’t have money. 

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’d say I’m content and that feels uncomfortable and kind of stupid given the world has always been on fire. 

I think doing my own therapy work has been weird because now it’s harder to guilt, shame, judge myself into doing things… I’m kind of like, “meh, that doesn’t sound appealing.” 

Somebody used to say I see lions everywhere, and that I need to start recognizing sheep are sheep, not lions in disguise. I feel like I’m getting closer to seeing the complexity of lions and sheep, but being less scared of both… but still not sure how to interact with them or even if I want to. I don’t know if that makes any sense. 

How are you?  What have you been up to? What’s inspiring? What’s bringing some joy, laughter? Sorrow? Connection?

End of the month

 

It's about 2:15 on a wednesday. I have a client in 45 minutes. This week has been pretty empty -as in 7 clients in the first 3 days. I need a few more, but I have two intakes scheduled next week and don't need 10 all at once, so that's a start. 

On Monday I had counseling, had taken some extra time to do brainspotting potentially. Didn't end up doing it. Talked about shifting identity, and how right now I am not responding/reacting in the way I used to, but I don't know how to respond/react differently yet, and its leaving me feeling a little less sure of myself, despite not tearing myself down (either). 

I remarked on the different identities and lives I've lived. My counselor was kind of surprised, she's like you have had two full careers that both required additional education, and you were a leader in a church thing? and in all of these areas you used to have community, and a shared sense of purpose and now you're doing your own business and effectively alone... and I was like yeah... and I'm trying things, but its hard.

On Monday I went to a "sing along" thing at a local bar. Went alone (mistake), but didn't know what to expect so I didn't want to invite anyone, wanted to have my own experience and decide what to make of it, not feel like I had to attend to others'. Turns out they are trying to rebuild the experience, so its a guy sitting there with song books, and me and a few others turn out. And we sing together, and in between its like the shallow political talk of strangers who don't know what one another knows already. Also there was a drunk Mexican guy who kept losing english words, so you had to concentrate extra hard to understand him. And in some ways he made it more fun.  In the moment I wasn't very anxious, glad I hadn't brought anyone, but glad to know what it was incase I wanted to bring more people the next time. In hindsight the shallow convo etc reminded me of being at hostels. People who are trying to get to know one another, but why? and to what extent is it even possible? But we are lonely, and desire to be part of something... so why not. 

It was something. 

Last night I thought I was gonna read, or write... but ended up on my phone.  Ultimately not life changing, and somewhat disappointing, and at the same time.. just another day.

Before bed I asked for dreams.

I got one at least. I remember it because I woke up and wanted to go back. 

In the dream, it was some kind of family event/reunion, maybe a wedding or the kind of funeral that is expected. But even though it seemed like my family, an ex, who didn't know my family well was present with her kids. I knew she was married with kiddos, but she gravitated towards me, and me to her. We hugged, he cuddled for a while, we talked, traded secrets, it wasn't sexual, but it was intimate, it was affectionate... and I wanted to be closer. I wanted that in my life, wanted her children to know me, but also wanted to provide the escape she needed from her responsibilities. It was an odd thing, it was loving, but somewhat of a secret, we made our own world in and amongst the larger gathering, the families with all their expectations and needs. We carved out space to just be for a moment, and it was an embrace with so much promise... and yet, it wasn't fully real. She wasn't unhappy in her marriage, just needed a short break, she wasn't unhappy in being a mom, just needed a space in which someone else could hold them for a moment, she wasn't promising to move to be near me, there was no life to be had together. It was just a moment to say, but I see you, remember you, cherish you, love this... and it was really enticing. I woke up, or something changed, and when I went back, she had already left. She didn't say goodbye, and that hurt, even though I knew better. I headed in that direction for a while, maybe even caught up, but there was nothing to say. No promises to make even though I craved them. It was a moment, and it felt lovely, and then goodbye. 

I know who it was in the dream, but it also feels a little symbolic of multiple relationships I've had... even sometimes of the experience of therapy... it's a very intimate experience, very vulnerable... I see you, I adore you, I am comforted by you... goodbye.

For example... I've been wondering a lot about M lately.... ever since I realized she works down the street. Wondering what that relationship was... a break from her struggles... a place to rest... a goodbye that happened way too abruptly. I blamed her... but maybe it was exactly what it was... and I just suck at not holding tight. 

Or with E, I adore her, I really enjoy being around her...but I don't know that we are as compatible as I hoped... so in some sense every time I see her now its "I love you, goodbye." 

So I keep thinking what next?   Trying new things, dabbling here and there. Going to Public events... but also spending a lot of time alone in my apartment. What does the next identity look like?

I don't know the direction of my life, and it leaves me a little u clear. I find it funny how many of my clients are in the same space. I talk to them as if I know things... reflect back what I am hearing... but its not because I am different. 

I always go in the same directions and maybe I am worried if I do the same old, I will get the same old results. Maybe I am afraid of new things though too... 

Anyway... not sure what to say. I feel unsettled, and a desire to distract and avoid... but I am also being productive, keeping up, functional... probably a little too independent.

A taste of what is on my list for today:

-1 more session. 

-walk home.

-spanish

-physical therapy

-make dinner

-buy quickbooks and explore

-print a form and sign.

*tomorrow I have three more sessions... sort of similar list. 

What to say

 It's a Sunday mid-October. Yesterday was a big protest. It was fun. Went with E and her friend's dad, who was very interesting, but a quite elderly man who was super slow. In a sense, we probably so more of the massive protest march than anyone else, as they all passed us by. It was pretty crazy to recognize that people just kept coming... it was a mile and a half route (they said), and it was full, for several hours. I think they are estimating 100,000 which seems high... but who knows. 

I am not sure I really have a lot to say these days. I went to church this morning and sat with Sara. I got groceries and then relaxed all day. Tomorrow I have therapy (brainspotting), followed by work for just a few hours, followed by consult. Nothing else on the calendar till next Sunday when there is a little bit of environmental advocacy for Grant's campaign (geothermal for St. Paul!). There is a lot of good work happening, I wonder why I am so reluctant to be involved in things.

I am less nervous about the business on the one hand -more and more claims keep going through... though not sure where the checks are going. My old landlord reached out and sent the safety deposit to me... so I have enough for November is what I am saying. I need to start getting serious about tracking how much money is coming in for tax purposes. 

The other day I was realizing, wait, its only been two and a half months. technically 11 weeks since I moved here. 10 weeks since I opened the business. That's not much... but I feel like my whole world has shifted to St. Paul. My daily life feels very different... and it really is true that once I get all this business stuff worked out... my life is very boring...

I am spending hours and hours on my phone or computer. Not reading enough. Not seeing enough people. Not really being creative or all that productive. 

For a while it felt like rest after shifting my whole world... now its starting to feel boring. Which is good. 

This last week I got some news -re Medicare and Medicaid and insurance stuff being bullshit and maybe that will make my life more dramatic and scarcity based again... but for now in general everything personally is really ok.

I've been fairly positive. Fairly grateful. walking to work a lot when I can. Got my routines down. Now its time to add again... I think. 

I still have no idea what that should be. 

I know I need to be a little more disciplined in some work/admin stuff. 

I know what things make me feel centered... but generally, the thing I want to add is more sustained community and maybe a romantic interest. 

It's been weird with E. It is sooooo easy to be around her. Like a few hours felt like nothing at the protest. But I don't look at her like I want her... even if I love her. I don't seek affection anymore. It's like she's a really close friend or family... but not my gf anymore.  I dunno what that means. 

I am proud of her, want her to have a good life, but also I don't want to take care of her anymore... 

I was imagining winning the lottery, and wondering if that would change things. I dunno.

I am back in an AOE2 and t90 phase. I am listening to a lot of great music ( Brandi Carlile , Jesse Welles, Frusciante covers, Katie Gavin, lots of other stuff. Following a lot of politics. Watching youtube and insta. But I am not involved in much. Reading "Becoming Wise" Krista Tippet, and a Sufi book. The first is ok, the second has been life changing every time I read it. I actually think its part of what has been allowing me to be in a good mood, but I am not very consistent. I read like 2 x a week, and sit around telling myself I should be doing more. I think I would need a routine away from my phone/computer.  

I usually see at least one family member every week, at most two. I suppose we have the holidays coming up. My mom and Grant are going on a big trip to Argentina and Chile in Feb. -So I guess I won't be going to Mexico then. -Maybe I will anyway, but my Mom said she'd go with for a week. 

I dunno... I feel a little disconnected from myself and everything today. Which is fine. Maybe I am living at some level of dissociation all the time?

I don't really feel lonely the way I have in the past. I feel content. I would like to add more. I don't feel pessimistic about that being possible, I just don't know what the direction I want to go is. 

I think I thought I would have more to say, maybe that's why I haven't been journaling much. The scarcity and fear have worn off, and now I am floating rather than grasping. Maybe I should do some reading... but I will probably just watch more youtube. 

I should probably give myself some goals for the week, I mean other than paying bills, doing the dishes and some spanish. 

Octubre

 Did some journaling earlier today about an awesome play I went to see last night with E... 

But that was in the journals.... I had meant to sit there at the coffee shop and do some imagining, some brainstorming... some thinking about the rest of life. But I didn't. Finished a book. The storm outside stopped, and I decided it was lunch time at 3 in the afternoon. 

It's the first Sunday of October of 2025. Its been in the 80s so far this month, and this week its supposed to take a dive. I think it was last year or the year before they had to cancel the twin cities marathon because it was too hot. Today was the marathon, they didn't cancel. The heat broke with the storm and the sky was full of clouds all afternoon. 

It's October.  On Friday I went for a walk with my Dad... Saturday morning hung with him and James and the kiddos... went to Home depot for projects and then a park for an hour. It was nice, but hot and somewhat exhausting. Crazy that an hour on a playground will wipe you out when you spent your youth running around on them... 

Dinner, a short walk around the river and the play last night. 

Today I slept in, and then watched church but it wasn't inspiring. Coffee shop. Finished Everything is Tuberculosis which was a great book. Sad, but hopeful.  Then got groceries and took a nap...

So many naps these days. While out walking to the coffee shop and back, I wondered if I need to just spend 20 minutes a day imagining. I don't do enough of that anymore. So much phone time, youtube, computer games... much of the slow part of life has been replaced with a screen and it makes the time go by, I even find I crave it... but its such a bad habit. AND so unfulfilling ultimately. I don't write poetry or think up new things... because I am too busy watching something that I will forget, fulfilling all my temporary needs.  

I think the orange guy is gonna die soon. I don't know why, but it just feels that way, like there is another turning point coming. Maybe its wishful thinking. I am not sure what will happen to the elephants without him, will any of them wake up?  

Things just seem crazy... and I am not sure what my role or part in it is... I was wearing my little braid with beads today and wondered if I need to be displaying a freak flag more often... something to just say    ummmmm no. Without having to address it all too much. Maybe a bumper sticker. 

THis is the kid who wore a peace sign every day, do you remember him? Where did he go?  On the one hand, I wonder if I have less ego on the line, less need to be seen. And on the other hand, maybe I am just afraid. Afraid to be seen, afraid to be tore down, afraid to let others down, afraid to not have foundation or structure...

Its October. I said I would take on new clients by october. I have started one couple. I need about 5-10 more clients to fill my schedule and make the whole thing work. But its a weird time in the world. I don't seem to be doing a lot of advertising... what is my brand?  I want to put up memes or jokes on my website... not very professional.   

I dont know...

Was thinking maybe I should go to Mexico City in February. But will have any money by then? At this point I haven't even made enough to pay my monthly bills... how could I afford to go to Mexico City? Seems outlandish. And with the state of the world, shouldn't my money go to something more substantial?

Apparently my mood has shifted from earlier in the day when everything was possible... now I am being too cynical. 

I just don't know what I am doing next I guess.  October, November, December, -have to get all my CEUS. January, February?  By August I need to find my next place to live... This place is too expensive for real...  My office is up -around next fall or winter... not sure yet. If I haven't build some community, maybe look to find some folks to create a new space. Between the apartment and business expenses I think I am paying around $3300 and I am not taking in that much so far. So gotta cut costs. 

I thought I was prepped for it all. But again my theme of the night... I dunno. 

Its a weird time of life. I feel like I am the least held down by shame and guilt, general anxiety than I have been in years... but I am also not exactly free/adventurous. I want to make good impressions, but I also don't really care too much, don't want to go out of my way to please people... in some ways that is freedom, but at the same time I am not sure what this freedom should be for. 

I have extra time, and I am not sure where to place my time and energy -because I don't want to get warn out, and I don't really want to feel overwhelmed... I want down time...

Maybe I should be writing again. Maybe in the next 6 months I figure out my business and finish part of the book and then give myself Mexico as a reward or something. 

I need something to look forward to. Thats been a theme lately.   I know there are family events, but other than that... not much.  

Its nice to hang with the kiddos, but also reminds me of what I don't have. Maybe its ok to not have your own kids. Maybe thats just how it will be... maybe I can focus on other people's kiddos. 

One of the themes of the play was what makes a life worthy, worthwhile? meaningful?

Whats the smallest measure that would be proof of that? 

The characters ultimately consider multiple metaphors via the arching metaphor of music... maybe we all just have to learn to play our one note truly. Maybe my note is being a teacher/therapist... for a while I thought it was being a friend, but not so much anymore... I had figured at some point it would be to be a father. I am envious of the young fathers I see in my practice... how they light up. Not an organizer, activist, freedom fighter,  artist? Writer?  probably not... guy on a park bench?  maybe...

I answered the question with the sense of honor I feel when an animal or a baby or a small child or a stranger thinks I am worthy of a smile, thinks I am safe enough to come near. Like my niece and nephews who launch themselves in my lap sometimes. Like... in what world?  I remember that dream I had a long time ago, when a small child saw me, lit up, yelled Mikey! and ran to me.  It feels like that a little. They are their own beings, and I am honored to feel seen and loved. 

How many little notes have I been honored to play?   And all of them true to some extent... but is there a legacy or something I am supposed to leave, or am I just part of the cacophony of sound? when the dissonance gives way to the melody... the quarter tone, the in between notes...

I should read more sufism... that would probably set me straight and crooked. 

The truth is, I want love and a family. But I don't know that I am ready... looking back, I certainly wasn't. All the people I thought I would be, could be, should be... coming to terms with who I am... knowing I won't be able to please all those I love, that yucky feeling. 

Still learning and growing and changing everyday... maybe its the carving away? or the adding... I dunno.

thats for sure

heart and head

 Listening to the tiny desk concert a client recommended before I see them again tomorrow. Big Thief, they're good so far.

Tonight I hung out with E, we walked westwood and went out to eat. It was nice.

At dinner I told her I don't want to date her, but that I wasn't shutting myself off from dating others. She assured me that was ok. I told her I felt guilt and had a hard time trusting her response because of my own shit... I cried half the way home and messy cried when I got here. 

I don't know why... I know that I still love this person, hold them in my heart, worry about them, pray about them, want the best for them... and I know my head has convinced the rest of me that love in this case is not enough -wont lead to the life I want to live... and yet... it sure hurts to say it. 

I was relieved for a little while with how she responded. She seems to get it. I am happy we can be honest with one another, and it actually makes me want to see her more. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I actually do enjoy being around her. So it sucks.

Head and heart knowledge not the same sometimes. 

I am trying to get past this whole caretaker thing, and E pulls me right back into it every time. I don't think its intentional. But it just sucks...  When you love someone, you take them as part of you. And I want to keep that part of me. And I want her to feel free to be herself, but I like that she wants to be around. I just don't know what to do...

I think its the right decision, but I think it would have been a lot easier to know that sooner if I hadn't let myself fall in love with her, dream and try to make a future together. heh... I guess its just natural consequences. 

The tarot people always say you have to make room before new things come into your life. I want to be open to those new things and not feel guilty or defensive or loyal to E... and I know right now I am still having a hard time putting those misplaced feelings aside. It might even be better if I started dating, and then she would have an easier time getting over me?   Is that how it works?

I dunno... I am not over her, I guess is my point. But I think I need to keep moving in that direction. AND honestly it was good to say out loud to her, and its been really shitty for like the last hour... and maybe I just need a night to cry it out. Not the first time, probably not that last. 

Sunday

 

It’s about 10:50 pm when I start this. I feel like I got most of goals accomplished this weekend, maybe with the exception of seeing the lizard crew or any family (they didn’t reach out, so I didn’t). 

Yesterday I saw E again at the hospital and had some reminders of her family drama and I will probably get into that in a minute. 

I also walked to The Golden Nuts with Rachel over in Columbia heights because I was craving Dubai chocolate. It was a good long walk, though a bit sticky out. I got some treats and a bubble gum soda which she made fun of the entire way back - she said, “if you have any icebreakers like a fun fact about you, you can tell them that as an adult you have had a bubble gum flavored soda in the last year.”  It was a bit stronger than Inca  kola but totes delicious. 

Today I went to church, to dogwood, and then spent half the day in bed? Probably not that much but it felt like 3-4 hours at least. I woke up and got shit done. Which feels good, but now I’m worried about my 8:30 am appointment tomorrow. Maybe wake up and shoot espresso to the dome. The day will be pretty chills, just three morning appointments and presumably a lot of insurance calls all afternoon. Maybe I’ll go swimming if it’s sunny. 

So back to the drama.

I had this realization… I was spending time with E at a mental hospital and enjoying it. Honestly it was a really fun time. It felt good. I really like being around her. I enjoy talking to her, and she actually let me talk a lot for someone accused of being manic (she clearly isn’t right now). It felt really nice and I was having a hard time reminding myself that feelings aren’t enough. It was weird too, because the day had started with drama and worries. I thought I was getting myself into chaos. It felt yucky, suddenly being in the middle of her family drama again… and then later when I ran into her family it was nice. It was familiar. I missed them even though I’d spent the morning wary, angry, judgmental, wanting something desperately from them… and I’d spent so much time noticing I was in the drama, and laughing about it… it was also so familiar. It was my life for like 2.5 years. It felt like home. And to be honest… I wanted more of it. And then I realized that I was in the role again. Jumping to rescue and play peacemaker, and guide, and gift giver and supplier, and nice guy. I was doing all the things, and feeling like I was being effective… and it was like.. oh am I really happy or am I just playing my role effectively? 

And that’s what is so hard… because I am genuinely happy when I get to talk to E and we are on the same page, and we are dreaming, and exploring and raising insights and I get to be a teacher and a wise person and a good guy… I loved spending the time with her even in the middle of a mental hospital. (What’s the difference than that and meeting at headway?)  

But that’s not what caused me to have distance.  It was not that I didn’t love her, or enjoy her company, it wasnt even that I did all those things for her, I did them willingly - wanting to. It was that I ended up feeling responsible for everything.  I want to do these things in a relationship, and I want a partner who does them, and she couldn’t. And I am always looking for signs that she might be able to… she speaks a good game sometimes. But I can’t depend on that. 

And it sucks. Because I like who I am around her. I like how she sees me. And I like who she is in the world, (when she is in the world) but I can’t depend on it. I can’t 

So today I talked to her when she called, but I didn’t go with my friend to the hospital to visit. And though I did a little research for her, I’m not trying to jump in and fix everything… even though I want to. 

And I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. But it was really weird (kind of heartbreaking) to get to play the role again and like it so much… and then realize it isn’t enough. 

I also think I want to clarify that it isn’t her, though I’m sure all my arguments sound that way… I mean it is her and the circumstances but it’s also me.. I’m not enough when I’m just playing the role, I tiptoe, I’m not honest, I’m gaslighting myself and manipulating the situation, I’m not actually being authentic and it ends up being destructive because later I’m resentful and avoidant and shutdown and angry… and it’s not enough if I don’t show up and feel I can show up in a relationship. And I have to figure that shit out… even though I like the role, I’m not the role. 

Hard

 I don’t really know what to say. It was a tough week capped off by a tough situation. Last week I found out my cousin died and E was having difficulty at home. Then this week I ran into a bunch of business crap with insurance -kind of felt like an idiot and had to keep reassuring myself that I could figure things out. 

Today was a mostly good day. I feel like I didn’t get everything I wanted accomplished, but it’s all gonna be OK and then E called me from the hospital because her family had hospitalized her last weekend shortly after I had seen her. So I went to the psych ward tonight, I guess it was the intensive inpatient. I’m not sure if it was me or if there’s something going on there, but getting off the elevator, I felt dizzy and kind of foggy. It honestly felt a little like I was getting just waves of that feeling that you get when you’re around somebody whose perception is off/different. Like personality disorders or people experiencing hallucinations -it was very unnerving. But it also just maybe my own emotions and -feeling kind of panicky. 

So I went in to see her and the actual unit wasn’t very interesting -a lot of empty quiet space I guess. I chatted with her for like a hour and a half. Kind of found out that she freaked out on her family last weekend and made a scene. And that because she doesn’t trust them, she doesn’t wanna leave the hospital yet, which makes sense for all sorts of reasons. but I didn’t actually get the impression that she was needing to be there.  Like she did not seem to be actively manic, or delusional, or experiencing psychosis or difficulty functioning or anything. A little on edge maybe, but nothing harmful to anyone. I’ve seen her far worse I guess.  

But I kind of had to say to her that I wasn’t gonna take her in, or maybe I didn’t need to say it, but I did because I was trying to set my boundaries. But it was really hard because my mind does wanna solve this for her. I wanna make things better. And it’s not my responsibility to do so but it’s really hard to go to sleep tonight knowing that she’s stuck in a hospital. And she’s safe and everything is fine. And she could probably leave and go back to her family whenever she wants. But it’s just uncomfortable. It’s really uncomfortable to know that she is struggling and that she’s experiencing the consequences of kind of like - not pretending to be OK. When everyone around her is also not OK, but they want to pretend.   It just feels really weird. There’s been a lot of nights in my life where I’ve gone to sleep in places that I didn’t necessarily want to be -where it was uncomfortable. Or dirty or maybe I didn’t feel like it was clean or safe or there were bugs or all sorts of things, sometimes as simple as a really uncomfortable mattress, and I know that none of these things in themselves is horrible, and that in a little while it’ll mean nothing. But some part of me does feel like I’m letting her down. Like it’s my fault. And it really sucks when I know I have the ability or capacity to swoop in and rescue her. But I can’t do that. But I’m not always sure why I can’t do that.  And part of it really is that like she has to fight her own fights and figure out her own life, her family will always be her family. But I wish there was a way that I could give her a leg up. Without feeling like I’m extending myself. I’m not sure what that is right now. She is thinking a little more outside the box, like how do I get to Costa Rica? And it kind of bothers me how many of the little things I’ve said to her -are becoming her fantasies. Like i worry that maybe I’m influencing her in a bad way. But also, I do think she needs a more adventurous life but like in a good way, not a hard way. So I don’t know I’ll probably go by again tomorrow bring her some stuff, but I kind of feel like shit.

Sunday the last day of August 2025

I am outside at Dogwood, its hot and probably too sunny, but also too loud to think inside.

I woke up late after a difficult night of sleep, between the tacobell I ate at 10:30, the mosquito and my general feeling of being awake even when I was asleep, it just kept seeming like I was never gonna be fully out. Then this morning, when I was meaning to wake up at 8, suddenly it was 9:30, suddenly 11. I missed church. It was the Harriet bandshell one… that I hadn’t really wanted to go to until the shooting in south Minneapolis- when suddenly it seemed important to have community, to be part of something.

So then it was 11:30 and I was getting out of bed feeling somewhat groggy, and my apartment seemed a mess and nothing was getting done.

So I spent till 3ish, doing laundry, prepping salad ingrdients putting up the hammock on the deck, decorating a touch, putting things in their right place, paying bills… getting my life in order as it were.

Then by 3 pm I started to feel like I could move forward with the week… what was left to do?  Write 3 poems for the weekend I’d basically lost steam. Work on the website. Do some paperwork.  All doable, and some needn’t be at home. So I trecked out, on this sunny day… and now I am here and sipping an americano, and not sure what to say.

All the tarot readings and the song I’ve head in my head all day speak of choices. Two directions, which will you choose?  I am not ever sure what my options are, except that there is a safe option and challenging one that promises more success ultimately.

“two points for honesty, it must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all…”

So what do I care about? And what choice do I really have?

I was reading “everything is tuberculosis” and he described a transman doctor in the early 1900s, who was kicked out of town after town, but introduced xrays, and I wondered how much good this person did by spreading this knowledge, despite the circumstances.  Its not that we do the thing we set out to do initially, but how we maintain and move forward despite the circumstances.

This weekend, I know I accomplished all my chores, but I don’t feel very accomplished. I am wrestling with how do I slow down again? Or how to I affect the changes I am looking to make? And I am not sure about either of those.

I seem to have paths before me, but none of them seem obvious, and the partnership I’ve been promised doesn’t seem apparent. Submission, acceptance, letting go… even these flowing states, I am not sure what I am supposed to be letting go?

The business is beginning and its going well so far. I need more clients but I am not in a dire situation as long as insurance eventually kicks in. I have a few things I need to clarify and work through… but my hope that by October everything is heading in the right direction feels right. Got a consult group for once a month. Setting up some meet and greets at the office. Not really using the pool or the gym much at the apartment but its ok.

So what are the next steps?  I keep coming back to things like -spiritual direction, the book, workshops and teaching, taking a class, getting trained… maybe planning a trip. All things I’ve done, all things that would be good, but none of them is like clearly THE path.

This whole school shooting the other day briefly made me wonder about doing something political re: gun violence. But its funny, I can’t imagine doing the therapy work there, because I am too pissed myself. It’s been hard even when my clients are struggling with it. Yes, its good for passion, but not great for thoughtful ways of proceeding.

Yesterday went to Crosby farm with Aryn and talked for basically 4 hours, walked in the woods for part of that. She is beginning the school year and rolling with all the stupid decisions the district has made… trying to be creative, trying to push back where she can. Its good work. It seems fun, but also I am sort of glad to be out of that system.

The previous few days talked with Schultz a lot -during bedtime which is odd. About guns and our lives, and our history of not being chaperoned when we were young for better and worse. It was really lovely to connect. I love her.

I think maybe that’s the difficult thing. I don’t know where to put my love, other than work. I am trying to do the self care self love thing, and its hard and feels especially hard when I am stressed and uncertain.  Haven’t eaten the best lately (see taco bell, donuts, cookies, candy, chocolate)… but also lots of salads and fruit. Not all bad I guess. I say this while I am considering getting baklava on the way home.

I went to the local Costco, and a new cub. Exploring a bit. Saw the new Ford plant area which is weird and suburb like, a development neighborhood… feels a little like it will be gated. Maybe would have been where grandma went to live.

I like the apartment and the office, and the business and not taking things too seriously. I could see myself being content, but I want somewhere to put my passion and my love.

I want it to feel meaningful and spiritual… and despite the spiritual direction thing seeming like a way of doing that, it also feels a little like I am just doing it to feed my spirit and not really for anything specific. A place where someone else can give me direction, and guide, rather than me making all the decision.

 

What poems am I gonna write?

It’s a good challenge, but its starting to feel unhelpful and more  guilting. When I have no thoughts, no muse, or Im scared of it not being what I want. Whats the point?

Maybe that’s my practice of submitting…

Opening opening opening…

This desire to say yes, but not know what to say yes to.

****

I walked along the road to Fresh Thyme, and back eating cantaloup with a baguette. I felt like I was traveling, free and wild, and nothing but my own agenda. The sky was blue. The air was clean. It was relatively quiet despite the cars and the greenline... I wonder why even in the midst of everything feeling ok, I can't quite settle. I can appreciate, but I am still wondering ... 

Its funny because how many of those times in europe or south america, was I wandering around with nothing, appreciative, but bogged down by deep worry, not afraid. Just in my head. Spiraling, talking to myself, talking to others in my head... I think of my trips as these beautiful periods of getting away, but allthewhile I am an antsy motherfucker. I've got a pint of orange juice and a baguette, and I am roaming the streets looking free like a gazelle on the plains... and just as anxiously.  

What next, what next, what next... I wonder if I will ever get past that. I'll be on my deathbed wondering what next... and hopefully grateful and curious, but still getting ahead of myself. Everyone around me hoping to have me present... never knew how. 

9:32

Thats the time when I started.

Ive been trying to write poetry every day. One poem a day kind of thing. I am technically on day 4, but messed up yesterday so wrote the poem I was thinking about this morning. 

Now I owe myself another. I don't know if I will make it or not. I haven't had very strong feelings or insights today. This morning I was feeling very optimistic but then I went to physical therapy and rushed to my first and only appointment and didn't have any time to have a second or third cup of coffee. I was noticing that I was somewhat irritable and kind of feeling lazy and knew it was because I needed some caffeine so I made a deal with myself that I would leave work and be productive elsewhere. 

So I went home for lunch -assuming I'd do paperwork in the afternoon and then have a nice evening. Instead I ate lunch and took a nap till like 4:30. Woke up feeling guilty that I'd wasted the day. So I made another deal with myself, get some work done, check a few things off your list and then walk to raising canes and back, and then do the rest of your work... which I did. So I am feeling more accomplished now... but still somewhat behind. 

Physical therapy went well, and the exercises are definitely helping me regain mobility and strength. The lady concurred that I should not be using the gym yet, which takes some pressure off. 

I'm averaging about 15 appointments a week and I need to get that up to 20 minimum within about a month. I am hoping to eventually be between 20-26 per week, which at times will feel really full, but will allow me to save money and not worry, and having a retirement account and what not. 

I still have about 5 clients that told me they want to follow but either haven't called or responded to emails (I assume it went to their junk mail). They have my contact information. I need to remind myself that most people are trying to enjoy the end of their summer, and may not be on my schedule. I am planning on opening up my waitlist... or whatever. I mean, just not have one.

Last night I went to the first of the new consult group. D and A were the folks I knew, she invited three others. Two of them do completely different jobs (school social work, and VA social work), she also asked if we were open to nutritionists and stuff. I was thinking I should ask if anyone wants to join. Maybe Tam. 

It was nice, I laughed a lot. Probably made a fool of myself but who cares. I realized later I was kind of guiding A in her facilitation. She was anxious and proposing things, then jumping ahead. I was anxious too, but excited to have something. I like the space she is in... its kind of like mine only more open and comfortable, where as ours is closed off and not comfy. But it is a clinic... so I guess that makes sense. 

I should ask D how many clients he is seeing. They are both doing the independent contractor thing. I wonder what their split is. 

I took the leap of sending out claims. Hopefully it will go well. Still have a few people who I need to collect their insurance info. I still need to fully enroll in medicare through Sessions. I still need to follow up with a few things. Its all weird to me and I have no idea what I am doing. learn by mistake has never been my strong suit. 

On Sunday I saw a bunch of Morris folks... and it was lovely. I am wondering if I want to be more invested in that group again, or whether the ship has sailed. Its so nice to feel wanted... accepted... welcomed... and I need to get over my own shit. 

This week I am planning on doing therapy in person (my own therapy).  Aryn on Saturday for a walk. Maybe Illy one of these nights. Jesse reached out a few times, it was nice to chat with her.  E cancelled on me because she is taking her test soon and it kind of felt good to not have the pressure. Its been weird because I have been wondering if I need more closure with her... but at the same time, I walked down university and back and didn't see anyone that I was like "oooh" and I guess what I mean by that is, I am meeting people, getting to know folks, going out more, trying to be more extraverted, but I am not like WOWed... and then it makes me wonder if Ive been too harsh, at least I really like being around E... I can't say that for most folks.. I like them in moderation. With her it was easy to spend two years  -but maybe thats part of the problem. It was easy to come home... but there wasn't much life.

I have some more paperwork to do, but it feels like stuff is getting easier, and its more just about keeping up now. I am probably doing it wrong, but as my therapist pointed out, no one is looking over your shoulder. No one cares. No one is reading your documentation... you might get flagged once a year... but its ok. 

So its starting to dawn on me that I need to start figuring out whatever my next thing is. Like... spiritual direction is an option. A training like in somatic therapy?   A group... volunteering... a class... 

I was kind of considering like tai chi, or something. Something physical but not hard. 

I realize I am looking for something someone else directs because I am having to make all the decisions for everything now that I am my own boss and living on my own. Its kind of exhausting. 

I am trying to keep up with exercise and health, spanish, some level of creativity, work, finances, cleaning, spirituality, news, social life... and even though that feels like a lot, I'm watching hours of youtube every day and taking naps. So I think I can ass one more thing.

I don't have my own health insurance figured out yet for next month and it's scaring me a lot. I need to figure it out in the next two days I think... because Monday is a holiday -I think I am planning on working that morning... because what's the difference. 

I dunno... other than the guilt and feeling behind, today hasn't had a lot of big feelings or insights like I said. 

I wish I had a crush.   Ok now I have to figure out a poem. no pressure.

 

Cool cool coll

 Just saw a video of someone saying “ the past has no meaning unless your ego is using it as evidence for why something is not working in your life.”  So I give up on blogging. 

Just kidding. Here’s some evidence I guess ha. Go for it ego. 

This week was both hard and somewhat motivating. I started actually working at my own business. I saw about 17 clients I think, but not all of them were billable - checked in with a few and filled out paperwork. The majority are DA sessions and I have written 5.5 out of the 12-13 I need to write. So tomorrow will be busy, and I am not sure yet whether next week will be the same - as lots of clients have contacted me but haven’t scheduled yet.

All in all, I basically have something like 20-25 clients following me. Which is pretty crazy. What business starts with so much guaranteed?

Along the way, I’ve been trying by to figure out insurance stuff and get my new apartment settled. Finally put books on shelves yesterday. Used the hot tub with my mom and the kiddos on Thursday as it was raining. 

Already gone through a weeks worth of groceries and even though it all felt alien at first, I can feel myself adjusting and it feels like my home rather than ours. Which is good. It’s a good change. Today I realized, despite the convenience of having underground parking, I need a large bag or basket or something to carry stuff up. Lots of target runs these days. 

Illy helped me some with the office and even though it isn’t in its final form, it feels more put together. Need to get some lamps and some plants. I had a client mid week who had paperwork to fill out and as they were doing so, I took a moment to settle into the space and get grounded. The first few days I’d been so anxious and on edge - I wasn’t settled in, it wasn’t me yet… after that appointment I started paying more attention to the space, started being part of it. I like it. I have more to add. 

I also need to do some community building, both at work and at home. Not sure what that means at home, but at work I started a lunch sign up sheet kind of thing. In the 5-6 months people have been there, no one has organized community. My introverted self is not happy that I have to step up, but it gives me a role and a way in… I guess? Maybe some humor? Maybe just fake it till you make it. 

On Friday I had physical therapy then raced to at Paul for two session, then to Minnetonka and Minneapolis to do paperwork. It was an accomplished day. Ooh also the books that night. 

But it’s also been exhausting. I’ve literally crashed and taken a nap every night at like 6:30. 

Physical therapy reminded me that despite progress, and utilizing my arm a lot these past few weeks, I can’t even do a push up right now. It made me self conscious. But also the exercises and planseem helpful. 

Today I went and did myofascial release (did I spell that right). And it was interesting. It was interesting to have someone curious about my body - very professional, but also like felt invested in. Lots of cash… I had a lot of emotions come up… a lot of feelings of anger, sadness, resentment. I had this weird recognition that one of the dominant feelings I tend to have in romantic relationships is of the other person needing something from me, and me wanting to please them… rather than feeling invested in. 

I also have been thinking a lot lately of how poorly I’ve treated my partners because it does become this weird care taker thing, all their accomplishments and input and awesomeness gets thrown out the window in that dynamic. Even E keeping our place clean - i cleaned for like 5 hours today, I never noticed that stuff, or when I did, I judged because I felt like it was something she was doing to avoid the harder thing. Or something she did when she got adderrall but wouldn’t do anything when she didn’t have it. And I was on edge and resentful rather than invested and loving. 

Which is hard because I know that I also feel those things. In fact I probably dwell on the love and investment and caring too much, and overlook all the resentment. 

I really suck at relationships. I need to work on that, but I think I also need a parter who is sort of at my level… I don’t know what that means exactly… but 

Anyway, I guess I’m saying a lot of resentment has been coming up. Leaving the apartment, feeling responsible to clean it and get rid of stuff, feeling like I was the one investing in her, but being told I wasn’t doing enough. It was really challenging.  She has apologized for all of this… but even cleaning today I was reminded again as I had conversations in my head with my landlord, trying to excuse why it got so dirty, or why I don’t even know what is mine (hers). I don’t know why there is a pile of boxes in the basement, and in the garage. I don’t know what these bins contain. I don’t know if that storage thing is mine or not. But I’m financially responsible for it all, as I was when we were together. And part of me is just like… hey keep the deposit, it was three years of being functional in the space. It really does need a paint job and a good mop. 

It was too much space for me to keep up in the last year or two. Thank god I don’t have a house.. I’d need someone to come and deep clean once every 6 months. 

I showered three times today. I’m not even full done with the apartment… but closer.

This week and next week I think will still be transition in work and home, then I think basically by September it’s about adding and making meaning and connections

I have a training in September. Maybe start the spiritual direction thing?maybe get trained in somatic therapy?

Maybe start planning a trip? 

The world is mine I guess…

In between managing every thing, I’ve had all these little moments of loneliness? Craving? I see people everywhere, and wonder why I am alone. It’s not the best feeling.  

Oh well… tomorrow, coffee, DA writing. Maybe some errands. 

Capricorn all this stuff for a little while longer… and take naps because they feel good, not because you are avoiding. 

Did I find enough evidence ego?  Feels like it was absolutely fitting of that quote. Sometimes I feel soooo healthy  and other times omg 

Nothing is taking me down, down, down

 St. Paul night 3? Last night it stormed, the tarot and astrologers made a bid deal out of lions gate portal and manifesting… my brothers and my mom helped me move on Thursday,  I hung out with Rachel this afternoon, for the most part everything is great. Spent the week alternating between packing and trying to set up the business, making trips back and forth to make the move easier, cleaning the apartment…

I’ve been avoiding journaling though, settling down, taking a moment to feel, cuz I’m sad. I’m excited to move forward. But I’m also grieving. I don’t really know what I want to say I guess. It feels good. But also sad. I always wanted to try living in one of these big modern apartments. If I can keep my energy up, I’ll have a successful business and can spend time trying to grow community in the building and outside of it. I can maybe start learning or trying something new. Maybe meet people. Rachel says I should have a meet cute in the building, and if it goes wrong we decided it will give me a reason to take the stairs (I live on the 4th floor). 

It’s good, I know it’s good. I know E and I were too different, and our differences registered as not heading in the same direction - with the exception of living in the moment. We were good at that… and/or distracting ourselves entirely. 

It’s good. But I am reluctant to reach out to her. I am reluctant to say goodbye to the old apartment. I am reluctant to have things end, some fear that I am missing out.  

Been thinking of a lot of old memories lately, years ago… little times of joy, of redefining who I am or what the world is… lots of change brings that about I guess. Maybe it’s truly time for a new beginning and I need to not feel guilty, just embrace it. But I do feel guilty. And anxious. And scared. And bored. And not sure what to do… but I am moving forward rather than getting stuck in those feelings.  Today it was gray out (after the storm) and even though the weather was nice, I could imagine loving in this apartment surrounded by other people and feeling very lonely (like all winter). I could imagine organizing a board game night too. I could imagine hanging out and feeling awkward and not knowing where I fit, and I can imagine both being ok with that and also feeling so uncomfortable I leave… I guess I have done all things. 

I don’t really know what to say… tomorrow I plan to go to church, stop by the old apartment. Going to my office and spending hours getting organized. Hoping the new desk gets delivered, putting it together. Maybe last minute buying a desk chair. 

Monday I start meeting with clients in the new space. I should probably test out how the software works and not be brand new to every little thing. But everyone tells me I’m over preparing and over anxious…. That being said, everyone also says they are happy proud amazed when I am prepared and have everything worked out… so I guess I’m not sure what to say. I fake it all really well. 

Lately I’ve had this weird nagging feeling that people just wonder why I’m 41 and not in a relationship or married. Like what is wrong with this dude? I had that feeling before E and before M and throughout my 20s when I was single. It’s hard to explain that I may look fairly put together (people keep remarking that I looked younger than I am) but that I have some pretty big blemishes or have invested in a lot of different things (not bad, just different).

I once said to E that I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 years. We made it like 2y 8m I think. 

My last job was almost 3 years… and we/I lived in that apartment for about 3 years.

I used to do 3 year cycles with my hair (grow it out for three years then chop it). 

I dunno this thing called life is so strange. Business… then what? I hope things feel less like I have to do them, and more like I want to. That’s the goal moving forward. 

Keeping it all straight

 I did another run to the new apartment. I’m feeling better about the size, I didn’t realize how much storage there was and closet space. Like a ton in the bathroom. Not enough big spaces in the kitchen, but I can either leave the air fryer out, or put it on the top shelf. 

Even the living room, I think I might be able to make it work. Some stuff might block the large window/door to eh balcony… but if that is what it takes.   Now I’m just thinking do I want a desk? Or do I want the counter island to be my desk. I’ve used the kitchen table for the last few years… seems like it would be enough if I don’t end up setting up my slow ass desk top… but if I do, it will be crowded but fine. That’s kind of the end result. It will feel a little cramped, but fine. I think I can get rid of a few items and save the ones I really want. The tv can probably go on the bookshelf. The couch can either be split or float in the middle of the room. Still, its smaller than my first solo apartment which I had through all of headway/covid. 

People have been really nice when I have bumped into them in the hallways or the parking garage. So that’s nice. Seems like a range of ages… briefly met a couple who keep the apartment for when they are here and then go to Florida half the year. 

On the home front, I just filled 4 smaller totes with books and there is probably 1-2 more. I have an office full of random that could be one well planned trip. 

I have some bedroom stuff/ blankets sheets pillows etc. all the closets are empty. There are a few things down stairs still. 

I have probably 2 totes worth of kitchen stuff and food still. In the living room I have probably 2-3 worth of stuff. 

I don’t need to do laundry but I might do one last load before I go. 

The truck comes Thursday and I am already pretty packed up. Wouldn’t take much… on my calendar it says pack Tuesday and Wednesday, but now I feel like if I do one load each day I will be fine. I know part of me is avoiding the business stuff. 

There is also a bunch of stuff that might be E’s in the garage, and I don’t know what to do about that. 

I figure I’ll come back in a week or two and clean. The bathroom, the floors, the counters. 

Other tasks:

I printed out an application for health insurance. 

I need to find a desk for the office and maybe a printer scanner. Plus hang and organize stuff over there. I’m still waiting to hear from healthpartners. I need to print off my contracts and follow up with each of the companies.wed/fri?

Tomorrow if I remember, I’m going to the post office to change my home address. Maybe later this week if I don’t make it. Dentist appointment… gotta call. 

I feel like I’m behind. But I might actually be ahead of the schedule I created for myself a few weeks ago. 

Once it all settles… decide what to take on with the business. Maybe spiritual direction?  Ceus for Jan. Consult group? Meet people in the building? Invite people over?

It’s a small space. Any more than 1-2 people it will feel cramped. 

I’m very sad leaving this one. It feels like the last time for some things, even though I know that isn’t true… like spyhouse, pho79, walking to work over here, Wendy’s, i don’t know why, but everything feels like a goodbye to E. I was thinking about that, even though she never accompanied me when I went to get us food… I went solo and brought it home, but I had her in mind when I visited all these places. 

I had the realization after my first post, that now that I’ve started the move, the grief is real again, and each time I come back to the apartment I’m reminded. Part of me wants to hurry it up and get there, not because it’s better in any way, but because then I can start my next life. 

I have always had a place to retreat to in my last relationships. In college it was a dorm or my mom’s house. With M my apartment.

With E, this was the first time it was a shared home. I’m sad for her because I know she went through all this when she left… she wasn’t sure it was for good. She thought we might find a place or something.   Each time she came back she got sad. That’s what I’m doing now.   

But I also get angry with her… every time I have to deconstruct something we put together, or put in a certain place or whatever… it’s like, where are you?   

Most of the stuff is now the bare minimum -so I guess it’s mostly mine now.. I guess it’s easier. I dunno what I’m doing I guess is what I mean. 

I mean I do. I just also lose steam to the grief. 

Shit to get rid of still: blue couch, at least one maybe two cabinet things, one chair, kitchen table and 4 chairs, the elliptical, probably more I am forgetting. 

Oh well. 

Endings and beginnings

 Tomorrow is my last day at my old job, just stopping by to do paperwork really.  Make some phone calls, say good bye to some folks.

This week it’s setting up the office for the business (which starts next week). And also moving. 

It’s Sunday at 2:30, about a half an hour ago I suddenly got very sad. It’s the move, the grief, the starting over and saying goodbye. The letting go. 

I was thinking about packing up the spice rack. A gift, almost entirely for me, but I think E had suggested it maybe? I dunno. There are a lot of things around here like that. Stuff I wouldn’t have bought on my own, that I attribute entirely to her presence, odd to move them to a new space.  It’s been about 10 months since she moved out. You’d think I’d have gotten used to it.

This weekend has been a lot of packing, and small trips across town to the new apartment. I’ve made 2 I guess, so not many… but I also got rid of a bunch of stuff at goodwill, and tried to unload art supplies at my dad only to see a horrified look on his face when I told them they weren’t exactly kid paints. So I took them back. 

I also got rid of all my old curriculum, or most of it anyway. 

I’m just sad I guess. Sad to move to this new place where I am trying to hype myself up to be friendly to the neighbors. Sad that I’m gonna have a new office and it’s so quiet. Sad that a lot of my dreams for how I would spend my 40s have been inaccurate so far. 

I cut my hair and shaved last night, and despite the balding spot at the back of my head, I decided I wasn’t looking terrible. 

I have to believe that these steps I’m taking forward are for the better. New business, new opportunities, new location, new apartment, letting go of the past, making room for all the new. 

But it’s still sad. Every little part of it is kind of sad. It hits randomly. Silence. A random object. A word from a video. I dunno. I guess I also have to make room for these feelings.

I’m gonna make at least one more trip to the apartment today. And try to do some work for the business, but I feel less motivated all of a sudden. I worked up to all of this, but it’s exhausting, and the people who have said they wanted to help, are all busy. I need to order a moving truck, but I’m worried on the day of… no one will be able to help. 

I know I didn’t prepare them well enough.

I know there is a lot of time this week, but I’m feeling behind with the business stuff. I need to not have this mentality going forward. Everything is fine. Everything is in divine timing, in its right place… and as I organize and clean, pack and then unpack, I’m moving things into their right place. 

My tarot video reading was so optimistic today… and then I did three cards for myself and a 4th sneak peak and it said today might be a hard day. Turns out to be thus far. Maybe there is more to say later, maybe I need to cry. 

How many times

 I worked a lot this weekend. Got a lot done. Finished some things today at work. Things are getting set up, things are getting packed up, things are getting tossed, things are getting moved. 

It’s exciting, and sad. New connections to make and some that will be gone. 

I was thinking about how I won’t have coworkers anymore, not really. Maybe a consult group, or partners for projects, but not coworkers. Neighbors yeah. But not sure who I will eat lunch with, or sit and do paperwork with. 

I’ve been crunching numbers, I think 21 per week is like the safe minimum to still make enough to live on. 24 a week would be ideal. More is possible. Lately I think I average between 18-22, so that’s kind of the right fit, except I need to make sure I’m not slacking… I don’t have to work 9 hour days… I can work 7ish, or four days of 8-10? Or 4 days and a half day?

I went to see the fantastic four by myself tonight. A few days ago it was Superman. Both at river view. 

As I was walking out, it was like that magic hour, the green of all the summer life glowed, but it wasn’t bright, and it wasn’t brutal hot. It was just right. And I imagined myself living in that neighborhood, and being happy. 

I was on a strange mood. While peeing after the movie, I wondered how many times I’d peed at that urinal, and then how many times in my life? All the places I’ve so quickly forgotten… I couldn’t describe half the bathrooms I’ve lived with. I couldn’t tell you all the places I’ve slept, or the places I’ve visited… memory is soooo gone.

It’s like, I recall little things. Little moments of feeling mindful, or excited or present, and then gone. 

Why do I recall walking the streets of Santiago chile looking for food at night, but can’t recall the room we stayed in?

Why do I remember thehighway when I used to drive out to mound for work, but not the  names of the people  I met with. 

Why do I remember the things I do, but not the faces of people I’ve claimed to love?

Why is it so easy to spend countless nights, not remembering, glued to a tv, computer or phone screen, tick the night away, and remember nothing. 

It’s funny to have done and seen so many things that it sometimes feels like different life times, and then also realize you’ve not done anything new or novel, not changed your path, or smelled or tasted or felt anything new in sooo long. 

Illy and I were at the bulldog remembering old times, and feeling old, as loud Saturday night people came and went. I don’t go out… so why do I want to live in the city? Why do I want to be around things, but not of them…

I know I’m ready for a change. I’m not sure what the next lifetime will bring, but this one is spent… 

Will there be love? Will there be something worth fighting for? Will there be creativity and novelty? Or will I fall into a new rhythm of the same old?

Grandview or riverview or rosedale? Back and forth? Highland or midway or the quarry? Where will I spend my time? 

Where will I shop? Who will I be in this next life?

I remember wandering Cuenca, wondering why Ottmar Liebert had a little monument, how he’d jumped off my cd player and into real life in this other worldly place where I considered moving too. But I asked Cuenca why it hadn’t brought me any love and told her I had to keep moving on… and that’s me now too.   

Unsure what the future holds,

Not sure how many times I will rebuild my life, make it anew… but I’ve got a few weeks left here, and then onto the next one.