Strange dream, goodness?

 

I had this dream last night, or rather this morning when I should have been waking up to get to work. In the dream me and a girlfriend were touring somewhere. I know there were multiple rooms or complexes, maybe it was a castle or a church and other buildings. There were crowds, there were tour guides, it was hectic. 

At some point we became separated, and although that didn’t bother me in itself, I was worried that she would feel lost. So I looked for her, room to room, place to place, scanning the crowd, trying to get better angles, weaving through. After an hour or so I would say I wasn’t worried, but more motivated... Eventually I checked my phone, and the messages had been coming through inconsistently, but the 2-3 that were there were clearly angry. -

Eventually I found her, and she was furious, had felt abandoned, accused me of running off and enjoying myself etc.. there were tons of texts that hadn’t gone through, she assumed I was intentionally ignoring her -while she was scared or out of place. I tried to calm her down, explain my side, but she wasn’t able to hear it. She was stuck in her own story, and from that place, she was the victim and I was the villain, and she was angry and said abusive things about my character. I stopped her, and said I don’t need to be abused like that and began to walk away. She stopped me, but was still in her story. I felt like I could not accept her story, my experience of myself and my actions was too different, I understood where she was coming from, but it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for her feelings… but I knew that that meant we were not ok.

In another part of the dream I was moving in with a roommate and there was another group (mostly women) living downstairs. The dynamics felt odd, like I was tiptoeing around and wasn’t sure where my space was. 

In a third part of the dream, (I don’t recall the beginning part of this) a friend/roommate became very upset with me. They suggested I was  a bad person and that I wasn’t someone they could deal with anymore. I asked why they believed this, and they pulled out a book of events, like a profile of me, and their experience of my actions. I remember in another part of this dream I had made some admittedly judgmental statements about groups of people, old stereotypes or something… and the person has recorded that, and hundreds of other interactions, basically color coding them into good and bad. They had come to the conclusion that I was bad. I asked them if they were looking for evidence to the contrary, moments of growth or positive. They shared that 6 months ago in a game of hearts or spades I’d shown improvement in my technique and they were impressed, but it felt entirely imbalanced and very subjective. It was like, no matter what I said or did, I’d never be able to convinced this person who I cared about to believe in me. At first I was angry and argumentative, I asked why they hadn’t shared anything, given me the opportunity to redeem myself, or repair. They chalked it up to being objective and allowing me to make my own mistakes to show my character… eventually I just became sad. I remember the recognition that someone I had cared for for years, was basically closing off to me, rejecting me… and I turned to Jessica s, who also knew this person well and said as much… that’s when the dream ended. 

When I woke up, I was a bit panicked because I was going to be late for work. But I also raced to put the dream into context. This book of actions (from another perspective) is basically how I believed G-d judged us when I was young. Not all seeing/ all knowing/ all understanding of intention and heart, but a series of judgments based on actions that we may not even have thought of… and some of which we did know and felt ashamed or embarrassed about or that we tried to make amends for… but without ever knowing if the scales were balanced. 

My mind and my heart are so far away from that now… 99% of the time even if I have those kinds of thoughts, it’s easy to see the gray, believe in grace and the complexity of the human heart and condition. I wouldn’t judge someone for their actions like that, and it’s hard to imagine a god of any kind caring… about such small things. But when I am hurt or disappointed or worried, I know that it comes out as judgment to others… and I am working on that. 

That being said, a tallied list of positive and negatives… too simple.

But in the dream, I also stood up for myself. Wouldn’t allow others to speak to me in anger in ways I would never speak to them. I argued my point, and accepted and grieved the losses when I realized I’d not be able to help someone see me more clearly.

I think this has to do with my step sisters wedding and the guilt and shame I feel for mistreating her when I was younger. I know that I was still in the mindset of good and evil at the time, and that I felt like mistreating her made me evil. She is getting married, and moving forward with her life in all sorts of amazing ways… and I’m still stuck sometimes back in the past.  Though it felt familiar to have gfs be mad at me for abandoning them, and blaming me for their emotions, I think the dream people are likely more just old parts of myself.  Maybe caretaker parts, judging  parts, etc… they want to be heard and I have to let them go to move forward. 

On the other hand, I worried it might be a premonition dream of someone being upset with me and me not being able to help it. Either way…

I think I’m moving forward in life, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. I know that I still have old habits to break, and things I wish were different. Parts of me that wish I’d made better choices in the past, and in the present.  But more… I think I’m coming to accept and love myself, and able to stand up for myself or recognize - not rationalize, but just nod yes, and this too, as I discover myself and my way in the world.

Last day off… till next week ha

 Today I went to an applied kinesiologist and chiro, we talked about fungal overgrowth, pseudo hiatal hernia, gerd, and an inward rotated shoulder. Despite the woo woo of it, I felt seen, heard, understood and supported. I walked out feeling very little anxiety and like the world was mine. Less pain, more mobility in my shoulder, but better than that, I felt hopeful about my body which I was honestly struggling with last week. So that was good. 

I went to Costco and broke my boycott of target, but most was just checking prices for things for the business. 

I decided I can’t really make a decision on the apartment until July and I am thinking I’m gonna end up in the more expensive and less space one, but I keep thinking about how I liked the neighborhood around the other one more. Felt vibrant, more alive, closer to the grocery store, coffee shop attached to the building. So I’m gonna wait and maybe it will cost me both places but it seems like the right move since I’m not willing to pay two extra months… 

I started thinking of things I can get rid of, and things to pack. Started packing a little. 

I took a long nap,  not sure if it’s just the heat but I have been siesta-ing. 

I’m worried the next 6 weeks is gonna be a rollercoaster. I mean, moving everything in and starting the business, packing up and moving to a new place in August, finishing all the paperwork and prepping clients to transition. It feels like a lot. 

There is also grief at every step and it keeps hitting me how I am moving forward but that this isn’t necessarily what I wanted. I guess I’m moving forward for the possibility of finding what I want. But it’s hard. I moved a chair from one room to another preparing to take it out to the garbage… and decided I wasn’t ready. So many plans, so many little things, plus I have weeks. 

And technically with the moving I have more time than with the current work/business stuff. But in some ways it feels the most tangible - and less decisions. Just what stays what goes. And is there a home for that? And if not, out. 

But I’m aware of both my alone-ness and loneliness all the time. 

This week is 4 days of work. Not totally packed but fairly busy (18-19 clients). Plus Ali’s rehearsal dinner, and wedding on Saturday. I’m nervous to be around all the people… not sure what I am wearing yet. I should probably ask. 

But also it feels like it’s gonna be hot all week, so maybe a button up is already overdoing it. 

Next week is another week off (only working 1.5 days).  Have my spinal appointment, plus an appointment with a tax guy. I think that will help a bit with the business. 

Ok. Time for reading and bed. 

Friday in June

This will be 3 or 4 topics I think. 

So lets start with preparation and change:

Today is my second day off in a row. I've been taking more time off because I have to use up my PTO before I quit, apparently they don't pay out... which feels illegal, but oh well. Yesterday I woke up early and ran to my office for a delivery of furniture. I don't quite know the wifi password, and didn't have much to do there after the stuff was delivered, so I ran to menards and grabbed a few things. I also set up some visits for apartments in the area. Then I took a long nap in the afternoon, and then walked the lake with my Dad. Today I visited office depot looking at desks... and considered what other things I need (didn't buy anything). I also visited three different apartment buildings, and I think narrowed it down to two of the 4 I have been to. I compared things like the overall vibe, the size and costs, and the surrounding area. All of the apartments are significantly smaller than the one I am living in. Some might even be smaller than my previous apartment, but with much better perks. Do I want that? need that? I dunno. 

The whole process of considering moving has been weird. I want to live closer to my new office for 3 basic reasons. 1) I want a change of environment. 2) I want to be able to walk to work. 3) I don't want to be stuck in traffic everyday... My office is in the heart of the city, and regardless of what direction you come from, that could mean traffic. I have sort of lucked out the last few days and its only hit on the way home (an extras 10 minutes), but I was avoiding actual rush hour traffic. The office is back in a semi industrial looking area, some of the spaces have been turned into businesses, and cool murals and stuff... but there is still heavy trucks driving in and out, and big lots, and warehouses... and if I am honest... I am wishing I hadn't signed a lease there.... but its only for a while, and then I can move to another place. 

I am trying to have the same attitude about the apartments. I don't want to live in a dump, and I don't really know the area well enough to know which neighborhoods are better than others...  They have all these old buildings that have been retrofitted into new apartments (similar to how my office was remade from an industrial building)... and then they also have a lot of bigbox "luxury" apartments.  And of course tons of the old smaller, crummier looking ones that I lived in when I was growing up -and which I don't really want anymore. 

No matter what, it feels like a stepdown from where I am. Certainly not a step up to a new house... but when I was looking at houses last fall I was worried there would be too much space and that I didn't have enough stuff -now, its not enough space and I have to get ride of half my stuff. I was eyeballing my current apartment and realized all the spaces I've been looking at, are basically half the size for more money. So then it starts to matter what the amenities and the area are like... the first place I looked at was alright... but there isn't a lot of green space over there, and there isn't a pool. The second, tucked back into a neighborhood, more green, but a little too grandma-y... Meaning I think my grandma would have admired the decor of the shared spaces. The third was maybe the one I like the most?  or maybe its too noisy  and too young? but it has a coffee shop, and is closer to the green areas of the neighborhood, and has a working pool, and is closer to the grocery store (like I walked to it easily).  The 4th had people who looked like me, was even closer to my new office (and across the street from a place I'd like to be my office). It overlooks a park, or the pool area... its more expensive but had cool features like a pool table and darts, and a creative space where you can paint.  It felt like a mix of the classy and great perks, but the actual apartments were smaller and felt a little BRO-y.  (MAYBE because we visited one apartment that was still being lived in, and the guy hadn't cleaned or anything so it felt gross). 

Its funny to go through these places... its like the intro to a new hostel, here are the amenities, check out is at 10... we keep your id at the front desk.  I worry about the costs... but really I will be fine as long as I can see around 20 clients a week. (which I haven't been consistently, but maybe I will again when its my space).

The third and the 4th apartments are basically the ones I am choosing between, but either way it means I have to cut down on my stuff. And suddenly I am realizing how much I have accumulated and how it holds some weird sentimental value (or is tied to E) and I feel weird getting rid of it... but also, I don't need it.  I guess thats the thing that is weirding me out, I realized this afternoon that I had this weird attachment to stuff I don't even care about. Like the tv I haven't turned on in months... why do I have that?  the couch that I rarely sit on (maybe because I don't watch the tv)... I can get rid of half the couch, I don't need to keep it all.  THe books and extra book cases? The random furniture I inherited from her, when she found it on facebook marketplace? But then there is also my collections... Why am I holding onto books I'll never read again? CDs I rarely listen to? Musical instruments I never touch? Why am I holding on and having a hard time letting go of stuff that means nothing to me in my current phase of life. Some of it was free, some of it was gifts, some of it was refitted by E, and because it became our home... I am realizing I grew attached to the shape of it in my space. But I need to make a new home, for a new me.  I am 41 and by the time next lease is up, I'll be 42 or more... what do I want my 40s to contain?

SO thats the thing with this new apartment. I am not moving there because its the next triumph, but just the logical progression... I am moving because I am ready for a change, and it won't be perfect. I may not even like it, but its a step forward and I can decide what I do and don't like as I go, rather than feeling stuck in the past.  I can use the apartment gym rather than paying for a gym membership. I can get to know a new grocery store and a new area of town. I can try different restaurants and figure out who I am in this next chapter of my life... and that will be good. 

So basically in August of 2025 I am expecting to have a new job (my own business) and a new apartment... and to some extent a new* same life.

So what are my goals by next year?

• I want to feel successful in my business, a caseload of between 20-25 weekly. 
• I want to feel like I can start taking on the next challenge in work, whether thats groups, or classes, or workshops or whatever. 
• Maybe do a spiritual direction course?
• I want to either have a community in my office space, or be moving to one that feels good.
• I want to be financially ok... maybe even be saving money.  Like an extra 10k would be great.
• I would like to be more confident and have a system for admin issues... so that I am handling the business, and when I outsource, I know what to expect and why. 

•  I want to feel healthier (not pre-diabetic), more capable and trusting of my body. I think this may require a new gym routine, maintaining a new diet, and potentially getting a personal trainer or something. Right now I would say my trust and confidence in my health is probably a 2 or 3/10. Despite walking around a bunch today, I felt very weak in my arm and it just kills my whole trust in my ability to be ok.
• It will also mean following up with whatever happens medically re: my arm, diet, etc. this summer.
• I think a good indicator would be how comfy I am taking off my shirt to go swimming in one of these apartment pools. 

• I want to have a sense of community, not just friends that I see all individually. I think I need to start having dinner parties again, game nights, art nights.
• I will be involved in at least 1 thing per week outside of work/church.
• I want to keep going to church. 

• I would like to spend more time being creative, and less time passively taking in media. 
• Ideally I would like to be in a relationship, but I don't want that to be a reason to practice self care, I want to take care of myself, and then add someone in when it feels like a good fit. 
• I would like to feel more spiritual/trusting of the universe.

I think I need to break some of these goals down so that they become a specific effort I am working toward.

Potential other things... travel? EU5? Protesting the fascists? Volunteering?  My old goals... be able to have a conversation in spanish (working on it), a cd or book of poems, or a book, 6/7 continents. a painting in a public space or gallery

So many things that don't really matter, but matter or mattered to me. But I am caught by the realization that achieving them won't mean much to me. Like a painting in a gallery would feel good for a moment, but likely I'd be self-conscious and downplay it. and then when it was over, it would be something that I did one time, but like who cares?  I think the cd/book thing is a little bit longer... but then it sits on shelves, and then what? Achievements are kind of an odd thing.  I would like to do these things because I feel driven and enjoy doing them, and when I am doing them sometimes it helps to have a goal... but accomplishing the thing in itself isn't the end goal, its to move someone or create a legacy... and I guess I am less concerned with that than I used to be. 

It was funny the last time I traveled because I didn't have a class to consider reporting these things I was learning to... and I didn't have E by my side to share with. And I knew my work wouldn't be impacted by time in Eastern Europe... so I felt like it was fairly meaningless despite enjoying learning and seeing new things. Another country added to the list, but no story to tell, no connection formed, no weight of it...

I think the realizations of how much has changed... makes me want to do more thinking about my future... but I also have a lot of little logistical things to figure out just to make the first few steps of moving and starting the business a reality. I have to get rid of shit from my apartment!

But what I mean is that in some ways I feel like I lost what I was trying to move toward. With E, I had a vision even if it was full of crazy variables... and crazy making ones too. We were gonna have a house, and have kids, and I was gonna have a small business to support us, and maybe she would end up homeschooling them... and it was weird because I always thought I'd be the one who homeschooled the kids, but it was something... and now, I am not sure what I am going toward, or rather I need to figure out what I am about  -in this world. Prior to her, I had a small place and I was part of a team, and I was learning to be a therapist after training in social work, after learning social work because teaching required more skills.  Now I feel like I am a therapist, and I can relearn to do social work when I need to, and I can teach if I want... and why did I get into this? 

Then it goes back further...  I had three options, a teacher, a socialworker/therapist, a preacher... what was the goal? to help, to make the world a better place.... and why?  because I didn't feel good about myself, and I didn't want others to feel that way... and the world was awful and I wanted it to be better - and what has changed  -well, a lot.  I don't feel the same NEED to help anymore, I enjoy it, and I am 'good' at it, so I offer my skills and my strengths. But I don't NEED to. I know it doesn't change the world, and I no longer believe I will change the world in some huge way... I will just play my part, and after all it pays the bills. I care about people. I want to help, but I don't NEED to.   I have to trust that they will figure it out, and that I am just along for the journey and it feels good and meaningful... but it doesn't drive me the way it used to.  I used to feel like I had to learn everything in order to be good... now I know stuff, and I know I'll fuck up too and its ok.  And as for me, I feel good. I like myself. I don't really feel like I need to CHANGE who I am... I like who I am, and I want to be the best me, but I am not beholden to some old idea that I HAVE to be some type of way in order to redeem myself. And as for the mission of saving the world... well, best laid plans and it will still go awry, and I have learned to acknowledge that -even if I can't always accept it fully. I am learning to smile at the chaos a little, even while it breaks my heart. I don't have some profound message for the universe, a billion have tried and it hasn't shifted anything except maybe that it's made all of us a little more self-centered thinking we were the special one... I'm not Jesus. I am not that special. The world will continue with or without me, and that is the most beautiful.  I feel more wise in my stupidity now... I feel like I look back at those times of certainty and shake my head at my youthful ignorance. It was cute, a child pushing back at the universe.

I love writing my book, but that also doesn't pay the bills, and I can't maintain the level of drive I need to in order to finish it... so it will come along when it does. I'm not stricken by the voices of the angels or the demons like Mohammed. 

Other creative projects, sure, when I have the time. Organizing and building... yeah, if it suits me... but what I am driven by? What is my overarching goal now?  I dunno. I don't want to be free of it all - like the Buddha... I may avoid suffering but I also embrace it.  But I also don't feel the vitality I used too... I miss the passion, even if it was childish. Maybe I need more laughter yoga in my life, more improv... creative silliness for its own sake, flirting for the sake of flirting... baby Krishna  you know?

Anyway, I don't know what it is anymore... I think I am pursuing the thing in front of me, but without some overarching goal... or at least not beholden to it, the way I was...

and I think the last thing about all this future talk... is that I am still grieving this idea that I won't have kids. Or maybe won't. I never really expected that as an outcome... I guess I fantasized about being the wise monk or prophet, hermit in the hills, but not really. I assumed that would happen after I had a half dozen wandering the world.   SO I think despite my goal of wanting to take care of my self first... I think it is part of the reason I feel so lost in terms of the overall direction. If its not to have kid and a family? then what is it for?   I work with older folks, some with kids and some with out. Having children is of course no guarantee of assurance in old age... plenty of children apparently abandon their parents... but to be old and alone is not something I aspire to... I mean, it happens... and I am alone now and happy some of the time... but I don't know that I want to stay this way. 

There is still profound grief weaving its way through me.  

And who knows, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow and have a baby or a step child in a year.  But I dunno...

My wrists are hurting... 

So I guess last thing. 

The other day, an insight gave me some relief.  

The insight was that maybe I do actually see people's true self/their potential/their soul or spirit  -and then I mistake this life journey for the whole thing... like, their soul has chosen this life and all its limitations and burdens, and maybe those of us who see potential are seeing the larger soul and getting it confused. Maybe it isn't wrong, its just not helpful in a life, it only adds torment for everyone involved because they cannot be their whole soul self on this plane... if they could, they wouldnt be here to have this journey. Seeing G-d in all, doesn't mean they can be G-d in a human life time... 

and thats good.. its ok. Its beautiful even...  but don't get lost. 

Curious

I’m sitting at the caribou by Whole Foods. Reading the LET THEM theory, sipping an americano though it will probably keep me up all night.

My horoscope and tarot videos said today is a good day for love,  but I’m not talking with anyone… yet

I wasn’t in the mood to go to church, not really in the mood to be social honestly. I went to a graduation party yesterday and met with Rachel on Friday for a few hours. 

The level of social anxiety I have is pretty high sometimes… maybe I do need pills. 

Had an MRI yesterday and it went better than I worried. Not expecting anything major in the results, but spending the weekend noticing my pain and discomfort doesn’t feel the best. My hips, my back, my arm, wrists, my feet and legs. Nothing feels quite right. I guess that’s what I get for eating Chinese food and tons of sugar all night. 

As I was walking painfully around the lake, I started thinking I should address this stuff. Maybe minimally more lemon water? Maybe I need a glass pitcher for cucumber water? Less salt in my food, less sugar after. I know what I need to do to get in better shape, but do I have the motivation and the discipline? Not sure. 

The MRI thing was a wake up call, but also I don’t think it will show the thing they were worried about, what isn’t shown, is that I’m slowly killing my body and if I want to have a healthy life, that will need to change at some point.

One of the reasons I want to live closer to my new office. 

Additionally, 

Was thinking a lot about my mindset, and how I have to get back to the try something for a bit and see, rather than the “is this what I want in my life forever?” Mindset. 

I was thinking where is the kid who traveled to Europe by himself at 18? Why do I feel more fearful when actually I have so much more security than that guy. 

The business will happen when it happens. The apartment can be another experiment for a year and then move to the next thing. 

It’s all

Ok.

I spent part of the weekend worrying about martial law being declared in LA, but the more I hear details the less scary it sounds. 300 national guard of a totally of a few thousand have been called in. The rhetoric is way bigger than the bite. But I guess we will see.

Not sure what is next tonight. Spanish, apartment hunting? Gaming? Check my schedule for the week? It feels like it’s gonna be a lot of people, but I haven’t had that many the last few weeks. I don’t know what I’m looking for…  

Rachel

Introduced me to an exercise called MVP minimum viable product, reminding me that the launch doesn’t have to be perfect, it has to be viable then you add. 

I think that’s a better strategy than I have been considering. I need to shift my mindset for a lot of stuff. 

Not feeling very present, is that the pain, waking up late, gaming all night? Who knows.

I keep feeling like I should be reaching out to E, but the book reminds me that adult friendships require energy, proximity and timing, and I think that doesn’t necessarily fit our lives right now. So maybe I also just need to give the space, and reach out when I have energy, not a feeling that I should be. 

Not sure what else to say… hard to plot a life forward when you’re not sure what you want. But oh well, take it a day at a time, be appreciative, it’s a good life. 

Joon

Its been a very chill weekend. 

I took some THC stuff on Friday and it was a basic body high, watched the movie Twisters... went to bed. 

Saturday I got all my chores done, groceries, laundry, went for a walk, did some reading. 

Today was church, walked to a different coffee shop than normal, did some reading, looked at apartments online. 

I looked at a few documents and things for the business but didn't really follow through on anything there. The lack of excitement and motivation has had me worried, but I am wondering if I am making it too big of a deal. Maybe I just need to make it smaller in scale, one step at a time. Like, look at the website. Consider a bio. Put the address on the website... kind of thing. 

Maybe I need to set a date for the end of work. July? August at the latest. 

I've been wondering if I should try to get an apartment before then -so that I have proof of income. I  might need to pull some from the stocks, I've been trying to spend my money on the business, but I don't really have any savings in my regular accounts. 

Perception is the biggest part of motivation, and I have not been perceiving myself as knowing what to do... but maybe I do know, and I am just afraid to do it?

It's been an odd year so far... finishing 5 months I guess, mostly feeling stuck but also making small steps that will eventually lead to something.  Attending church. Seeing friends more frequently than last year. Starting to exercise again I guess...  (the shoulder pain thing has been really hard lately). Not talking to E, and now talking with her once every week or two again. 

Life feels very up in the air, mid transition, and I wonder if having some dates would make it more real.

Furniture in my office June 19th, maybe the whole office sorted by the end of the month. Maybe I can go there to practice the EHR, and the website and the making new friends...

The tarot video I am watching right now is basically saying in June you will notice and recognize the distance between you and the past, but it will shake you up even though you saw it coming... is that with E or is that with work?  or is that with this life path I have been on, that maybe I don't want to be on? I dunno...

Spiritual Direction might be the next thing I take on.

Travel?  Of course I want to, but I want to when things feel settled and good, and I am not trying to escape. I want to with a partner, when I have a direction and a goal again.

I dunno...  I was walking home today and wondering why my energy had dropped and I think I realized I was grieving again, grieving the feeling of having something stable, a direction to move in... even if it was false, and I was half in, half out... it felt like something. Now I am directionless again... to some extent. When I get to that place I have to enter drama in order to remind myself. Be a little angry... be a little pissy, a little selfish. 

I have been wondering if I am depressed. I think the pain and body stuff is impacting me more than I am wanting to admit. Its not necessarily changing my habits.  I have an MRI next Saturday, hopefully they say some physical therapy or something, and not a tumor. I had another one of those, what if... moments today... escape fantasy?  Wanting things to be clarified by death? It makes me feel empathetic towards folks with chronic pain including E.  

I keep having all these strange worries... something bad is gonna happen.

I dunno... not a lot of clarity, but I think my perception is making it hard to move forward so let me change that. In the day to day I feel a lot of clarity and purpose. I am able to accomplish my goals and take small steps towards the future goals. Nothing extreme... I am a tortoise. I am embracing my tortoise self.

There was a bird trapped on our porch today. I put out some nuts and water, I was worried it would die of dehydration. I don't think it accepted my gifts. I am hoping it made its way home... but I am also worried it just died in an inaccessible place. 

At church today they did a glitter blessing. It was so simple and so silly... but it was nice. 

Ok... a little more reading... maybe a tv show, then sleep. 

Maybe its not depression, maybe just too much sunlight. 

Part 2

 After some reading a lot of crying…. I guess I have come to the conclusion that it’s hard not to live in the past and the future when the present doesn’t feel so great. It’s fine, but it’s not life giving. 

I think today was a lot harder than I realized because E and I were both talking about our futures and we weren’t included in one another’s. When we talk of the past there is a shared connection point, but she tells me about her week or what is coming up and I can appreciate it, sometimes I even have insider information, but I’m not scheming to make myself part of it. 

I talked about moving on from this apartment, and in my dreaming of the future, fail to mention how hard it is to let go of dreams, memories, stories. She says she misses this place that she was so desperate to get away from, that she said she’d never come back to basically. That she misses our room, that she likes my bookshelves, that she likes the high ceilings and natural light, and all I can do is intellectualize because it feels like such a mixed message, and in it is a level of betrayal for our shared goals and dreams… and I’m kind of like, I’m so glad you’re doing better, but why couldn’t you do this then?  And I have to acknowledge it’s because we weren’t meant to be together, and it makes me wonder why she feels like home then? And also why I’m not trying to make it happen. Why I’m avoiding looking at her. Why I pull away from touch. 

Why do I dread leaving this place -because I’ll not have those memories or dreams anymore. Why can’t I move forward and not be so pained by the loss? 

I tell her I need to get rid of stuff, but I feel bad because some of it is still hers, and I don’t say out loud, I’m holding this for you because I love you and want you to have stuff that was meaningful, and she says throw it out. And I’m reluctant. I hesitate because I think she is being impulsive, and she thinks I’m being anxious and controlling, and worrying over nothing. In her words she says she doesn’t have the attachment to it, maybe never did… but I remember a dream or a goal she had once and I want to honor it… I want to honor all the dreams that I have to let go. I have to let it go. 

I still have the fucking pregnancy test. She wanted to throw it out, and I didn’t. I want to hold onto it like some sort of momento? Why? 

Because I dreamed we’d have a kiddo, and it terrified me, but made me realize how much I wanted it. And how much I was willing to grow for it… and then it wasn’t. So now what? 

I’m so in love with my pain and suffering, and also so desperate to get away from it. I keep thinking about this idea of getting on anxiety meds, and like… ok but then will I have a reason to pray 5-10 times a day? A reason breathe, to ground, to practice gratitude, to reassure myself? Will I wrestle with the heaviness of stuff or will it all be so easy that I don’t have to… and then on the flip side, what if I didn’t have to? And what if it meant I stopped avoiding all the hard things? And what if it meant I could move forward more easily without worrying so damn much about every little thing and making it all so heavy when it’s just stuff. It’s just baggage. 

I’m so fucking sentimental and I don’t even realize it. I want to honor every little thing, and then of course a day later I don’t care about anything and it’s all so easy to throw.   

I know I know I know based on all the past stuff that this will get easier, that some day I won’t be bowled over in tears, that I won’t even think about any of it that often, and that time will help. And distance and a new environment and all of that… but it’s so heavy sometimes. I am such a creature of habit, I always want to take my old with me into the new… and I ask why I can’t? 

Can’t I hold it all?

I should just get rid of half my stuff and get a 1 bedroom apartment again. Start over. No trophies. No reminders. Blank slate. 

I didn’t realize how much I was grieving this weekend. Seeing friends and preparing for a future, when none of us know what we are doing. And none of us are able to reassure. I didn’t realizing how much is changing, and how I wasn’t able to be present to myself or the things… and now I keep crying every five minutes and I’m not sure how I’ll get to sleep without distracting myself again and the cycle repeats. Maybe I’ll just exhaust myself with heartache… maybe I have already. Maybe it’s ok. 

Emotions don’t last very long. I can welcome them. I can wish them well when they go. I can trust in a greater truth, and know there is connection even when I feel disconnected. I can believe in that… probably just too much sun, and that old familiar feeling of coming home and not feeling held. 

Thanks heart, you’re trying so hard. I got you. 

Mellow

 

It is memorial day 2025. Around 8pm, a Monday obvi. 

The birds are still chirping outside and the sun has not quite made its bed yet.

I spent a good portion of the day with E out at Taylors Falls, hiking both sides of the river. Both of us rejecting the fish fry at my Mom's favorite fish and chips place because it tastes like pickles... and that is GROSS.

This weekend has felt odd. I've been surrounded by friends and alternatively head first in a computer game. Staying up too late and accidentally sleeping in too late as well. 

I did a lot of walking, probably got my 10k steps each day, but also a lot of heavy eating (Benihana with Jessica, Applebees with Illy, Taco bell after seeing Rachel). 

For such a social weekend, I don't feel very fulfilled. 

I spent a portion of today and yesterday wondering why it was so hard to feel grounded, or in the moment, or appreciative. I mean I can, with effort, and I enjoyed seeing all my friends, but I didn't feel happy this weekend. Didn't feel overcome by joy, or awe... I had a few moments of delight, but it was hard to connect to my body, and hard to connect to the present... and I guess thats what I have been feeling. 

The moments of excitement were primarily spent thinking about a new apartment, or enjoying the sunshine... but maybe too much?  Maybe I got burned and my body is recovering from the radiation? 

I dunno.  

After being around E for 4 hours, and her not needing me, and not feeling like I had to do anything, I drove home wondering why I wasn't feeling much... then I got home to my quiet empty apartment (so much stuff, so little I want to engage with), and I felt very sad. Very alone and empty. 

Part of it is recognizing how much has changed between us, wondering still if there is something that will reignite the spark. She asked me if I have feelings still, and I can't deny that I was looking forward to seeing her again for several days of last week, but at the same time, I am not trying to direct my life in a way that would bring us back together. 

It's not even that I spent the weekend talking about others stuff, I actually spent a lot of time talking about my own, and the direction I was going, and the things I was looking forward to, and at the same time, all of it feels kind of empty. It's like looking for a house, or furniture, or starting a business or whatever... all for yourself... and why?

I spent a lot of time last week getting sad and angry about politics and the hurt politicians will cause... and nothing changed... this weekend I have spent a lot of time indulging in distraction and avoidance and nothing changed... I made plans to move ahead, I saw my friends, everything is fine. 

But I am sad. I think I am really sad. 

I think I feel really alone even though I saw 4 friends this long weekend. Things feel kind of meaningless. I think I was looking forward to having time off, and after spending several days -I realized how desperate I am to not be alone with the silence. 

Its one thing in the woods, when it gets quiet and you listen to the birds and its nice. Its another thing when its your refrigerator humming, and you don't know what to do with yourself. 

I feel like my heart was locked up all weekend, and I didn't know how or want to access it... numb. And it sucked. 

I have so much to be thankful for... so much that is beautiful... so many opportunities... but I just want to go to bed. 

I think thats my conclusion... that I had a wonderful weekend, but it was dulled down by feeling like I couldn't be with it. 

There is a lot more to say, different little avenues, but I am not sure I care for the thoughts that are coming out. It'd probably be better to cry than to sit and dwell.

4 days this week, and it seems like it will be pretty easy. Doctor appointment on Thursday, maybe an art thing on Wednesday... Nothing wrong. 

Mid-ish May

 It’s a Tuesday morning, it is raining (will be all week I guess). I am at spyhouse, there is something beautiful playing, but I don’t know the artist. Sounds a little like Haley Bonar (on some songs).

I’ve been mostly good, maybe a little down with the weather. I am not sure how I am actually, as I haven’t been doing a lot of journaling, and haven’t spent a lot of time analyzing myself the way I might normally. Instead distracting, or staying busy with productive stuff.

Over the weekend I bought furniture for the new office and got the key last week. It’s still weeks or months away, but starting to feel real. Slowly. 

I had a dream last night that I was laying in the lap of a friend, who was shirtless. People were talking about us, wondering if we had coupled up. I was wondering that too. I asked, if we were to date, would it ruin our friendship, and she replied, that’s why we have never dated or something to that extent. But I was in love and wanting more. 

In the light of day, or rather the gray and rainy gloom of a Tuesday, I am not even sure who this friend is - a mix of people and maybe some enhancements? But I wish I had that feeling again. New love mixed with comfort, mixed with lust, mixed with an “us against the world” feeling. 

It’s gonna be a long day at work, 7 clients, late night. I’m already thinking I might as well get fast food after. 

The day will be gone by the time I am done here, is all I mean.  Lately sometimes that’s how work feels, not a part of life, but the thing I do between life. Which is a reversal of how I spend my energy most of the time.

I think it’s because I want to move forward into something new, and feel held back. Like the perpetual waiting game. And a 9 hour work day is certainly a barrier to life. That itself is one of the things I’m looking forward to being different, my time will be mine. The effort will have direct pay off, and if I want to go to work or stay home, either way I get to decide. And if I want to run errands, or have a few hours off, I don’t have to feel beholden to someone else’s policies to stay within compliance. 

I suppose that is also a fear, the structure and routine and isolation will all be mine to figure out. I’ve been to the office twice and both days it seemed quiet. No one walking around, no doors open. I am looking for collective vibes, not cloister vibes. And what if I can’t find that? Then I’ll need to create my own new environment. 

Join more classes maybe. Do some networking which I’m afraid of doing too early, because right now I can’t run out for lunch easily, but maybe in July?

It feels like July is when I will be opening. Maybe August even… but who knows. 

My mom has told me she’ll pay for a vacation with her. I should take her up, but who wants to travel in the gross heat of summer? 

My health is ok. I can tell I am struggling in certain areas. My shoulder and left arm, fucked up some sort of nerve.not sure how to help that heal, but it might be time I go to the doctor. My stomach… for awhile it was doing better, but I ate a hell of a lot of sugar last night. Not sure why either, just kept eating. 

I’ve been trying to walk more, trying to get sunlight when I can. But I am not exercising or walking or anything. Gonna get air/stand desk, but will that help? Or will I leave it in the sit position all the time…

Self fulfilling prophecy. 

Last week in therapy I considered briefly whether I should be on anxiety meds to take the day to day edge off. I decided no, after the session, but in session she challenged me on why I think I need the overthinking… good question?

E and I talked and walked over the weekend. Similarly, noticing parts of self.  It’s been a bit difficult to reconcile just how easy it is to hang with her, and the recognition that I had come to in the past - that that isn’t enough.  It’s a little like dating. But also, we spend at least half the time talking about the past. I am inspired by the work she is doing for herself. It brings me hope, but also I dunno. Weird to feel some comfortable,  and still want more. Maybe I’m greedy. Maybe I’ve been downplaying my needs?

I’m trying to practice honesty without attaching to the impacts. Speak my truth, you know?

Speaking of truth, I’ll probably get to reading in a moment. Started a new book, and rereading some Khalil Gibran, I forgot how much that book resonates with me. In some ways, it feels like I’ve been growing into it, like it’s been guiding me. I am amazed by how brilliant it is. How it feels beyond wise - transcendent to me.  If I could hold it… 

But for now in this life, a little bite at a time. A hunger. A satiation, a turning toward and away. 

I need to stop believing to need to be something other than what i am. Sometimes I’m there. Sometimes, I am there on one level and not another. 

 

Tuesday night.

 

I dont know whats up with me... last night I went to bed earlyish... tonight I am ready for bed after this. Probably sit on my phone trying to drown it out.  

Today was an odd day. I woke up and went to get coffee and did some reading. I felt positive about the day ahead. Then after my second client, I just felt off. Felt like I couldn't get grounded... something was wrong, and it was easy to blame me and wonder what I should be doing differently. Ate lunch, did some work, decided I needed to journal. It was helpful, but then I had some more clients... I felt like I was as grounded as I could be, but I knew something was wrong. 

One of my clients was really struggling, the other not so much... I had another hour break inbetween clients and tried to get paperwork done, and again I felt off...

Felt like life wasn't very real. Thats what it felt like throughout the day, like no matter what you do, or how you participate, this isn't all that real. Tragic things happen... and the consequences feel real... but is there anything you can do about it? Predictable things happen, and despite knowing better, we don't or can't stop them. All the advice in the world. All the knowledge. All the best intentions. None of it matters all that much in the grand scheme of things... something is wrong. 

I found out shortly before my last appointment of the night, that India and Pakistan were bombing each other. Not sure yet if this is a full scale war, or a tit for tat thing... but the idea of the hundreds of millions going to war with one another seems incredibly scary. 

I am still feeling the unreal thing. I drove to get food, ate the food, watched a bunch of youtube and distracted myself... but it feels like I am swimming in unreality a little bit. 

A little detached from reality, and yet the feeling brings up anxiety, dread almost... something feels very wrong. I am not sure what to say about it.

I am hoping it goes away. I don't like the feeling at all.  I know there are things I can concentrate on to some extent and that makes it seem less big... but I feel a little unmoored, despite the gravity in the room. 

Makes me want to cry... like someone I love is dying or has died, and the wave of it just hasn't hit me yet. But I am too afraid to find out or do anything different. 

I've had this feeling in the past when I couldn't stop overthinking, or in the middle of the night when I haven't slept enough... or I dunno... but I kind of just want to hide from the pain of it all. Its like dread and the matrix together. 

I dunno... just needed to say it out loud. 

Cant even think much

 

It is Saturday. I am feeling kind of emotionally or physically drained, but not necessarily in a bad way. I hung out with E for like 4.5 hours today. We talked about the past, and the present, and tried to skip planning any kind of future, while saying what we were up for... given our current situation. 

It was the weirdest mix of feelings... I cried a lot, I was relieved. I was comforted. I was reminded I love this person... but also reminded I am not in love with this person. 

It was so odd to feel on the same page again to whatever extent we can be. To have both come to relatively the same conclusions despite spending months apart and not talking. To both be claiming a better place in our lives. I am still worried about her, and I am worried that I will somehow lead her on... but it felt so weird to be near her, it was just so fucking comfortingly familiar. It was having a best friend hanging in my car, out for a walk, eating lunch. It was so easy even though we talked about difficult things. It made me wonder why I wanted to leave. Made me wonder why she wasn't coming home. And then there was also that...

The reality of how our lives are separate now, how much has changed on her end, her family, even Simba not immediately recognizing me, and me not immediately recognizing him. 

There were things that made it feel like an alternate universe, despite the ease of the connection. We walked around her neighborhood. I saw her room. Everything was different. 

My heart let go of a lot of its hurt and its confusion... but it didn't necessarily want to grasp or cling. I am not sure if she did. 

So even though I was crying and confused, and comforted- I also left feeling like... ok, that was closure in a sense. Now whatever new chapter is a new one. 

And now I am back at our home... and its mine. And I am going about my life again, and its fine, not great, not terrible.  I want to be productive, but I don't have it in me. I am doing laundry. I am maybe gonna go to a movie if I can stay awake. 

I have church in the morning, and maybe a coffee chat with folks, and maybe the mayday parade, or maybe just going to Dads for his birthday in the afternoon. And its all ok. It doesn't feel captivating right now, because I am spent... but its ok. 

I don't feel like I am heading towards anything... that part wasn't returned. And its tempting to throw my weight back into it. I could drive up there twice a week. I could get to know her family again. I could  blah blah blah... but I am not sure I want to... I mean I do want to but not the same way.  I don't want to have the life we had when I know it isn't leading to the thing that I had dreamed it would. 

And even though we are both in better places, I don't think a lot of those underlying differences have changed in a way that would make it work. I want to be her friend, I want to have her in my life again. But I don't know what that looks like. And maybe I am still really heartbroken that it didn't work out the first time. Sad for me, I guess. 

Yesterday I had therapy, and went to Costco and tried to do some business stuff. 

Thursday I went to a protest, and the coffee shop and a walk. 

None of it has been as productive as I'd hoped for in terms of the goals I had for these 4 days... but all of it has been really good. Like... I am very appreciative of this life  and the people I've been able to share it with. Whatever the next chapters are... it'd be nice to know what that is... but like... I am grateful. 

Day by day

Having a hard time focusing or wanting to be at work today. It’s a mix of things. But it’s making me feel kind of yucky in general and I’m anxious about not attending to stuff. Always feel like I’m falling behind. 

So some of the things: 

E having surgery

Feeling like I fucked up on paperwork

The business continually getting delayed and feeling like I’m behind and it will cost me 

Having a different project I’m kind of invested in

Not really wanting to be social right now… maybe some compassion fatigue and boredom 

A new (old) game that’s fun 

Allergies, headache, arm pain, not getting enough sleep 

I’ve had two clients today so far, and it was fine with both. I have three more this afternoon, it will be fine. But I don’t like the feeling when I’m not invested in my job or what I am doing. Every job has parts that suck, but when the thing that is usually fun and fulfilling feels dumb… that’s the problem. 

I’m not sure what that means. I kind of decided I was gonna do the spiritual direction training at some point but I’m not feeling very spiritual right now either… or I am, but I also feel disconnected. 

Maybe I want to teach again in some way. The other project is basically a video series about how I am thinking about the current crisis,  I did hours of work on Monday. I screwed up and need to redo it, but unlike the screw ups here, the idea of fixing and making that project better isn’t draining to me. At least the idea of it. So that means something right? Maybe that I need to teach workshops or do something other than sit one on one and talk with people all day. 

I have a bunch of family stuff happening this weekend. Seeing gabi at class tonight and illy for dinner tomorrow. 

I feel like I need another day off, and won’t get one till May. 

Thoughts

 Not sure where this goes, if I had a journal I liked, it would go there but I am using a bunch of random ones and none of them feel right. So it goes here. 

I was walking the lake this morning, it is earth day and only later did I realize how many people were out doing clean up, plastic buckets, plastic grabbers, plastic gloves, to clean up plastic from the lake. 

I’d only had one cup of coffee and a migraine pill, my mind wasn’t quite awake. It settled into song and a taste of drama. I noticed the blue of the water contrasting with the yellow of branches, the slight new greens of the buds, or red berries. It was beautiful.  I started to laugh at my little nibble of drama, imagined every passer by was doing the same. All of us with chewing gum of relationship conflict and power dynamics…uncertainty and questions. 

It made me laugh. 

The breeze was out, and I wondered how many times I’d been nourished or frozen still by it. How little I remember, at 41, my middle aged self- how much have I forgotten… of course there are some memories to recall,  the easy ones, trudging through the Morris winters, but how many times while walking from car to house, to job, to a friends house, to the coffee shop, on this very lake?

How we forget. What else have I forgotten I wondered, what else am I not noticing? I started trying to take other perspectives… 

As I noticed things, I considered what I would tell a person who has lost their sight. There are robins on the ground, geese and ducks in the water, there are song birds overhead, that tree’s branches rise up to the sky, they are orange and without leaves - so that collectively it looks like the flame of a candle against the blue sky behind it, gradually my observations began to change, to become story like,  there is a mother tree, she’s on her 51st sprouting, she’s tired, but can’t imagine stopping anytime soon. There is a weeping willow, it’s been growing  slowly and for so long, it loves the fresh breeze which allows it to feel close to others, to remember it’s not so alone, it’s long strands brushing casually against a myriad of others. There is a grandfather tree, with three granchildren planted near it, they wrestle and toy about, but it stands wise with age. There are two geese who spent the winter in Alabama, normally they’d go further south, but this year was too hot, and they rested with the old  retired folks, in the pools of the snowbirds. There is a bench made of old planks that still remember Canada, they were torn, and shiver now stripped of their clothes, lacquered… and held in place by cement pulverized mountains, stones from Georgia, and the lake beds of Michigan. They remember… not consciously, but they have a feeling of their old lives…

Like those plastic garbage and recycling bins remember the millions of years they spent resting in a pool of themselves, slick oil sludge, locked in the ground, complacent… and then one day unsettled, shook free, and on a wild ride, pulled to the surface, scoured, molded, made anew… they remember being the dirt, being grass, being dinosaurs and now they eat the waste we throw at them.  

I walked around imagining the drops of water in the lake, but first each little wave, unable to fathom such a multitude, their journey from rain, to stream, to lake, to drinking water, to sweat and blood, to release, to thunderous storms… 

Each drop a human with their own drama, their own story, their own painstaking journey, Arjuna fretting over his horror that he must slay his own kin, and how old is this story? a drop drowning out another drop, a thousand of us merged with a thousand of them… and in the swirl, oh…

The lake scum, releasing its gas, like the new planet light years from here, where there could be life doing the same… how many trillions?

I don’t remember… but some part of me knows that my veins mimic the lines the tree branches and roots grow in, and that the same breath I release fuels them the way they give back to me… and that we were both forged of the sun, where hydrogen merged with hydrogen, growing more complex until it created the stones, and the soil and the lake scum, and the bacteria in my sweat, and the bark of the tree, the law multiplying and growing more complex but always- and that Buddha says the mountain has not been worn away… so how many millions of lives will take place before we remember that we were, will be, are, constant. 

I am that. 

And I smile as I walk by people at the lake, and they smile back, and there is a secret between us that neither of us can fathom at that moment. That we are.  

I walk further down the path and remember that I am the bird swooping, and the willow swinging, and the dog panting, and the cloud floating by… that I’ve been and will be and it’s very comforting to know that all is, and was, and that my drama is part of it, but also so inconsequential… and I can just love. Love the cold, and love the pain in my foot, and love the sadness in my heart, and love the runner racing by…

And then because I’m not on my last swipe… I grow hungry, and start to plan my day, and I am lost in my guise again. And that too, is part of it. 

Dreams and reconciliation

 I should probably say – my mind isn’t entirely present… and I am listening to an old recording of Ram Dass.

 

Should I start with Saturday night? Or last night?

Saturday… well, Saturday I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine, but tried to reduce the pain with some caffeine and headache meds… I went to Spyhouse and spent about 45 minutes but couldn’t concentrate after awhile and my irritation at the sounds, and people near me… I had to get out.

I took more headache meds when I got home.

I met up with Rachel for a walk, and it was nice.

I met up will Illy, we walked and it was nice.

Pete sent a text that he had his third child.

I can’t remember if I wrote that night or what… but I don’t remember being very productive Saturday night. But I was in my dreams

I only remember two concrete ones.

In the first one, I was walking around the middle school. I was a student, even though I was 41 years old. I was an adult trying to make up a credit or whatever the little situation was. I had to reenroll, and take the full amount of classes, and pretend like I cared, and go through all the motions of stupid assignments and being a student again. And that was the thing that was frustrating to me. I was the student, and each adult I interacted with didn’t recognize my experience, my age, my wisdom, my strengths… I was a pesky student to them and they were dismissive. I caught these glances of irritation with me. And I was irritated right back, but couldn’t do anything about it… they had the power.  And then for some reason I was in this gym class, but staring out into the jungle. And it was dark in the jungle, and light in the gym… and in the darkness I saw movement, and before anyone else knew that there was something attacking us, and I ran for the light of the gym, but knowing I would not make it, turned around to grab the jaguar and hold his teeth and claws away from me. Hold him down… and realized, hes not so big. And another was coming slowly behind… and the gym teacher yelled out something about me finding them, and in his casualness I knew they were his pets. Dangerous pets, but used to humans.  And the fear passed… but what else could I do.

 

In the second dream, we lived in this house that was like a hoarder’s house. It was awful and gross, and the landlord was highly controlling and wouldn’t allow us to make changes. I was dealing with this. I was dealing with all these mucky stacks of stuff, and wanting to leave, but not quite prepared to. I knew Rachel wanted to, and I knew she was relying on me leaving too. But when she came to me with her bags packed, ready to go, I had to tell her no. I am not ready, I will carry on with the commitment I made. And she was hurt, felt rejected, and even more, angry at me for not pulling myself away from the chaos. As she left, I was staring at the messy stacks and questioning myself. Wondering why I do it. Feeling super guilty about betraying and letting my friend down, but justifying it to myself. Justifying that my path was different.

 

I had to drag myself out of bed, but I made it to church. It was a good service, and I cried, and felt my mind racing with creative thoughts… and then on the way out the door I saw S and J the two women I once tried to help conceive. And rather than say hi, I froze in place. I realized I had all this fear/drama/grief/trauma/guilt/shame… and I didn’t know what to say.

And when I got home from church I took a nap… and when I woke up I wrote to them, to tell them what happened, and that I’d been struggling with the way I ended things over a decade ago… and that I was happy to see them at church, but wasn’t sure if they could forgive me. And S wrote me later in the night and said, you have it all wrong. Im sorry you’ve been holding on to this for so long alone, and it wasn’t your fault, and it was all ok…

And I cried my eyes out.

She wrote me again today. And I haven’t yet responded… but I will.

After crying my eyes out about holding onto all this guilt and shame for so long… I took stock in the other major regrets I’ve been holding onto. I googled Chris multiple times, trying to find out if he is ok. I didn’t get answers.

I felt drained last night, but struggled to sleep. My mind was determined to keep slogging through things, but it didn’t feel helpful. The heat had made my apartment too warm… I tossed and turned all night.

At some point last night, I had a dream that I met up with Chris. We were on some sort of reservation land or museum or something… it was not an environment either of us were comfortable with, but we began talking, and he was angry with me, but more so with feeling helpless and lost… and I was just another person in a list that had turned their backs when what he needed was a hug. I understood, and tried to apologize, but I also stood my ground. I didn’t want to subvert my experience to his… it was more like how I had done stuff with S and J, I wanted to say this was my experience, and I am sick of it… so I am telling you about it, accept it or not… and they were welcoming.

The dream was harsher with Chris… but I didn’t feel bad. It felt like my mind was doing the processing it needed to do. Maybe it was connecting in the ether… maybe its all connected.

I woke up today thinking that I would feel better. I thought I would feel relieved as I had last night, but instead I spent most of the day feeling anxious, and worrying I had done something wrong, wronged someone, hurt them, and would be in trouble soon. I had to take some breaks to center myself. I had to take some times to remind myself that I am not responsible for other people’s behaviors or choices…

The day turned out just fine. It was full of super heavy topics, and I still feel drained. But it was good.
Tomorrow will also be super busy.

I took Wednesday morning off… not sure why, but I did. Thursday and Friday will be average days.   This weekend is Easter.

 

I dunno… I am trying to do some stuff right now to be grounded, connected to spirit, grateful etc… and I dunno. Maybe this is the time when I feel a little disconnected.

Weird feelings

 I kind of went over this with my mom an hour ago, but since I’m waiting for my game to load…

Today was odd. Work wise, I had a client transfer to another provider, and felt embarrassed like I’d been too much, made it about me, or wasn’t listening to the client enough. Then another client asked me for a legal letter or something that I wasn’t quite feeling was ethical, and it felt a little manipulative when he flattered me later in the session. The rest of the day was fine, except feeling helpless and wanting to rescue people… and that thought might have come up because E put things on a phone calendar and I noticed she had a bunch of upcoming medical appointments, which flung me back into worrying-care taking mode in my heart… and I know I don’t need to do anything, but I’m sad. Whereas other times in the week I was really angry at her… but now I’m empathetic again and wish I could do more because I feel helpless to support folks in their suffering/taking care of themselves - which was the theme of yesterdays therapy appointment, where I described dreams and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, but also felt more confident in not jumping in - so I suppose this is a test or something - a

“ha, you think you’re over it? I’ll show you.”

And then at the end of the day I found out the company doing my credential stuff hadn’t been doing it all week (like I worries) because the email I sent them last week didn’t go through… or maybe I forgot to hit send or something… so I felt stupid. 

And today we a hard day… almost all of my clients are facing things outside of their control that are hurting them, and I can’t do shit about any of it, other than ask them if they can muster the courage to do something about it themselves and either confirm their worst fear or potentially be rewarded but there is no guarantee and the consequences would be dire if it doesn’t go well. 

And I think the thing that’s bothering me is that I know… I know that the feeling I tapped into earlier this week is true. That I actually did know best, that I actually understood, that I actually felt the reality of the universe and it was all ok… but today all the downsides showed up.. or some of them did, and I flinched… or got scared… because I’m not above it. I am of it. Even if I tap into the beauty of the universe, it doesn’t save me from the awful. 

And it’s sad. It’s heartbreaking to witness the suffering and experience it yourself.   My human heart cries. 

part 2

It's about 8:15 on Monday night. The day ended up going pretty easy, 1 cancellation, 1 reschedule, ended up having 4 male clients. I am more solution oriented with them, their feelings vocabulary is significantly smaller. 

I got home and made teriyaki salmon. It smelled like the teriyaki chicken M used to make me. It was good, but I ate too much again. 

I am listening to The Doors, feeling very adolescent. Trying to do this no social media thing. Its harder than I realized to stay away from my phone. I am not even saying no youtube, but I am trying to limit that. Insta and facebook are for the most part off limits. Might check messages, but nada mas. 

I brainstormed a list of things I could do... none of them sounded particularly interesting, so I am journaling. 

One of the first things I noticed is the silence... the place is so quiet, and when I don't have 5 distractions going... its lonely. Hence the music while I write.  Maybe leave the music on all night... who knows...

In the silence, I think of E. I think about how I am angry with her. I think about how I miss her. I think about how incompatible we were, and yet how nice it was to make a life with her.  I wonder what she is doing now, and wonder how we could ever be a couple without me worrying about her. I need to get over that... need to stop being worried. I take people into my heart and worry about them. I need to start letting them be who they are, and not hold them to what I hope they'll become. 

I need new love in my life. I need to figure out how to invite people in, and not feel overwhelmed.  I was thinking I would go to the coffee shops more without my phone... and then realized they all close at 6 pm now.  Maybe I need to be more outgoing... go to a bar or something.  No interest.  Maybe join a club, go meditate or something at one of those white people retreats. 

I guess I don't have much to say. I thought there would be more... 

Another thing I notice is my body and how it hurts. How I overeat. How i am achy and tight. I notice these things when I am not avoiding them. I could do yoga, or stretch, or lift weights, or walk on the elliptical... but I am not that bored yet... I think I will go to sleep early. I woke up at 5 or whatever... seems like I've earned a rest. 

April

 

It’s Monday, I’m at work, even though it’s very early. I showed up to finish a DA that I just couldn’t get myself to work on over the weekend. I have a busy week ahead. At least three days with 6 clients, including today. 

It took me like 20 minutes to finish the DA and now my first client is at 9 am. Have more paperwork -always… but it feels like I did the thing that was stressing me. 

It’s been a pretty good morning. 

As I went to bed last night, I contemplated trying to give up social media and mainly my smart phone for a few weeks. Reset into life you know… no insta, no Facebook, no games… what else? I was thinking I could still watch YouTube on computers, but that’s also a cop out. I think, podcasts and music would be very acceptable. Block these things, stop checking my phone so much. Maybe once mid day and once at night? 

More time for art, writing, reading, journaling, exercise, time outside, time with people, meditation… classes?

The scrapbooking class starts up this week. I don’t know what my project will be yet. Maybe the junk journal thing. 

I’ve been discontent with my body lately, eating too much, not exercising. I feel out of breath easily. My heart races. My muscles and what not feel exhausted and tight. 

I need to not spend more money during this period of no phone. (I’m on it right now by the way). I think maybe I’ll start on Friday. 

Sunday dad and Steve and I walked around the lake. Other than that I basically did chores and sat around doing nothing. Didn’t go to church. 

Saturday went to the big protest (biggest thus far) and caught up with mom. It was a beautiful event, tons of people. Ran into a guy from high school and a friend from college and the parents of a client.  Three different eras of my life and those people all saw me and wanted to say something. It’s funny, I walked around praying for the people and smiling at their signs. Random People asked me questions. I must have been perceived as open and welcoming. I’d like to have that energy. 

I didn’t do much else on Saturday that I remember- computer games. 

Friday I bought a new work computer. The clock is wrong on the computer but everything else is fine so far. 

I was thinking I need to buy stuff before all the prices go up dramatically. 

I can’t remember all the things I was gonna journal about. 

Over the weekend I had a lot of gentle nostalgia for time spent with E… just missing the comfort of her presence. It felt funny, it wasn’t about any specific experience, but just being in her presence. I enjoyed her energy and spirit. 

I didn’t drown myself in the drama… just allowed the positive to be. 

Things I am considering for the future:

Business—- I am actually really nervous, I have no idea what I’m doing. I need to make a bunch of direct decisions, and just accept what comes. There might be clients I lose, and a lot of work, and delays, and nothing perfect… and I just need to accept that. 

Spiritual direction? This seems like a good way to go in terms of training and direction I guess. 

Community during a recession/society break down… not really sure what this looks like. It’s all fear based but also I want to make something new of this tower. 

Vacation seems unlikely at this time of chaos. But I need to use up my PTO. I got like over a week. 

In one of the Ram Dass things over the weekend, he said while we are dreaming we burn up our karma… dreams allow us to live out these alternate realities, and let go of things, desires, expectations etc. I really like that idea… the Capricorn desire to be productive - hey even in your sleep you’re working. 

Other stuff I suppose. I’m still waking up. I wanna just trust, trust that everything is what it is supposed to be. Enjoy all the trials, enjoy all the downtimes, enjoy the present and think fondly of the past and future.  That’s the goal I guess. 

Harsh

 I’m not really trying to complain, but sometimes I’m really annoyed with when and how the grief hits.  

I had Stella for a week. One time I accidentally called her simba, but other than that it was fine. I mean, super annoying because she is really needy and she threw up all over my bed and floor yesterday and kept me up most of the nights (some of which Simba also did). But Tonight after I was in a rush to get her out, and stripped the bed of sheets and blankets to do laundry, and put on another set, suddenly all the grief.  Changing the fucking sheets. The silence of the apartment. The lack of living things. The chores that need to be done, but only for me. I dunno… it was heavy and sad.  It’s ok. I just wished it was over something deep or meaningful, not changing the sheets. 

I have been doing a lot better this week, but also sleeping way more… (can’t get anything done with the cat wanting attention). It’s been busier at work, which is probably a good thing. 

Yesterday I had an eye exam, nerve wracking. A nice woman cleaned and readjusted my current glasses. They were also super lovely, and I felt attended to… which I realized isn’t something I experience a lot. Maybe for a few minutes when I go to the same old restaurants. Maybe for 30 minutes by a Chinese person I can’t even see when I get a massage… but not really many other places. It was nice, but I had to rush out of there to make it to work. 

Credentialing paperwork is getting done. 

Lots of paperwork to do at home this weekend. 

Protest on Saturday maybe with Rachel. 

Next week the community Ed class starts again. 

The government is stupid. 

Saturday

I find my time and location becoming very routine. I sit in the same spots. I run the same errands. Traverse the same landscapes. 

Today it was wake up, sit in the same spot at the table, go to spy house, sit in the same spot, doing laundry like I do every weekend, sit in the same spot, go to the grocery store to buy the same things I buy every week, (I am trying a slightly different spot but with I was in bed).  I will probably continue this for the next few hours... same spots, same energy. Nothing new or different. 

Its not that I feel stuck, its just the same. I actually feel very optimistic and confident today -at least for now. Getting chores and errands done. Going to dinner and a play with my Mom later.  

Church tomorrow, maybe a protest, got a bunch of work to do... same old. 

Earlier this week I had a hard time "recovering" from that weird ecstatic state. I was drained and exhausted for much of Monday-Wednesday. I had busy days at work this week, and will again next week. I've taken on three new clients in the last month or so, and will have three intakes this week... so it feels very busy. No more sitting around watching the news and playing tetris while at work. 

It will be ok. When I leave, I'll have enough people to bring with me... that's the hope anyway. 

But as I said... sameness. home life is not that different. I am cat sitting and I find it a little annoying some of the time. The way the cat wakes me up... the way it won't leave me alone and always wants attention... but what else am I doing?  

I walked to Spyhouse today, and by the time it filled up, I was already annoyed with being there. I don't enjoy the coffeeshop scene as much as I used to, I guess?   Maybe that means I am happy at home. Maybe all along I was going to coffee shops because otherwise I was stuck in my one bedroom and lonely... Avoiding my roommates? Maybe I like my own company and have more than enough space to spread out now. I really do. And most of the time after eating, I go right into my room and sit or lay in bed. The couch is fine, but its less comfy... I guess. I am a creature of habit. 

Grief this week has been weird. On wednesday I watched severance season 2 (spoilers) and balled my eyes out when it came to the scene about the miscarriage. I missed E, and I missed what could have been, and I was so sad about what we experienced together (for much of the relationship). I found myself on the floor crying, telling myself "you're ok, its ok." and I knew that it was true. I knew it was true that it was ok to cry and be sad, and also that I would get through it and be ok. 

Today i was watching a tarot video and the lady was basically saying you needed to learn that lesson, now you'll recognize you can have what you want without having to sacrifice to please someone... will I learn that lesson?  Isn't there always compromise?   I thought I was compromising, but as I did dishes and listened to the tarot lady, it was really clear to me that by the end -thats not at all what it felt like. I felt like I was doing all the work... and being asked to sacrifice more. I know that wasn't intentional. I don't hold it against her, but I lost trust that we could have that all in relationship I was hoping for. 

It makes me sad though. On the radio, someone said "bride of 35 years..." and I thought, I'll probably never have that. I dunno, maybe that's poor thinking. I guess, I'd be in my 70s... 

I have a client who is experiencing decline -he is in his 60s. He has a son who just turned 18. He said to me yesterday, I know he is angry at me for being older, he wishes, and I wished that I would have been a younger parent.  -well... I will be in that position if I ever have a kid. 

I don't mean to make this a woe is me.  I think having more clients and being pressured a bit will get me out of my feelings of 'the end is near.'  The news is just awful.  It genuinely feels like our country is being gutted and twisted into something even more evil... and I guess I worry that we don't have the dreams to turn it back. Don't have the guts to hold people accountable to integrity. The system is so heavily weighed in their favor, that its bound to slide off into the deep end of yuck...

On a happier note.  I am moving forward with my business. I have good friends. I have things I am looking forward to. There is a lot of enjoyable stuff out there.  I might look into spiritual direction as the next training... I feel like its something I'd like to add to my website and say... hey, this can be something we talk about -and feel like I have the certification (even though it isn't a certifying area)...Another thing to add... I'll be a real existential therapist if only...

But I feel more confident in almost every area of life that I am currently managing. Life in all these areas feels content/positive?    Sure, I wish i was more creative and motivated to follow through, wish sometimes, that I was more involved in community. But at the same time, maybe I don't... Maybe I am an introvert and need to spend my time alone -or recovering from all the energy I expend. 

I dunno. The next thing? 

I wish I had an extra weekend day.  Next week is gonna be a lot of paperwork. 3 DAs!!!! But no perfectionism... that's the goal. Just do what ya can. 

Moments of truth

 Spyhouse on a Monday, the 24^th of March.  

Reading John Green write about sunsets. Wondering, why do I like this place so much? Where else would I be on a Monday afternoon that I had been meant to be working? Home alone scrolling on my phone?  At the lake? (but it’s a bit too cold)  I suppose I could go out to the Como Conservatory like I tell everyone else to do… or run errands… but I don’t really have any. 

I wasn’t expecting the day off. I was expecting a morning appointment, and an afternoon to book end, and a lot of time watching tarot videos and msnbc, and dillydallying around paperwork.  Tomorrow is a very busy day at work…

Today, I journal at a coffee shop. Sometimes I like the light, it doesn’t feel cramped here, it feels spacious, and open. Sometimes I like the people watching. Sometimes I dislike the chairs and the feel of the tables on my skin. I usually always enjoy the coffee. The noise level depends on my mood. Sometimes someone is speaking too loudly, or coughing, or fidgeting, or the music is too loud. Many of those things just started happening. It had been quiet, and I could hear my thoughts. I put in headphones, maybe that will help. I keep thinking I should buy noise canceling ones. 

 

Deep breath, get centered. 

I had all these things I wanted to journal about. Maybe a list would help.

 

·      Last night and the Krishna consciousness (as I am calling it). Perception at different levels.,

·      My fear and anxiety vs abundance, creativity, manifesting

·      Clarity

·      Dad at the lake, and selfishness

·      And of course the day to day…

 

What first?  I am not sure… maybe from the concrete to the multilevel…reverse order then. 

 

This week will be stressful with work. I have 7 appointments tomorrow, two intakes and my normal schedule. Wednesday is a little lighter, but then Thursday and Friday are basically booked up. I have therapy on Thursday I think. Its all fine, and even if it goes poorly or I am stressed I have nothing to worry about… it won’t impact anything except my level of creativity at night. I can watch severance and eat fast food instead of groceries and art… no biggie. 

 

Business wise… turned in the paperwork… starting to brainstorm around what to put on the website, looking into an EHR. I think it will work. 

 

Over the weekend I did all my household chores, saw Illy and did some art, saw both of my parents. Went to see a play at the Guthrie with my Mom, and it was amazing. A midsummer nights dream. Beautiful and vibrant. Charming and funny. Great music, great spectacle, great story telling. They made it really physical, so you could tell the storyline even if you didn’t understand every word. And Aimee one of the musicians from church was in it. Speaking of music, yesterday Chastity Brown played at church. She said she’d been attending for about 4 months with her wife. It was great. Actually kind of hard to focus on the sermon and everything else because I was taking in the music.   I guess, that is the day to day. 

Walking with my Dad. 

I really enjoy walking around the lake with my Dad, or going for walks with him. Generally, it is when we have our best conversations (since we don’t drive together much I guess). Sometimes we complain about stuff… yesterday he was complaining about Ali’s wedding and not having enough time or knowing how to prepare for the amount of people. Small things in the long run, it will go fine. But he was definitely feeling like he was responsible for all these things that he just didn’t really want to be responsible for. He made it sound like he had spoken up, but had later walked back his boundaries and was now resenting it. 

I was complaining about politics for much of it…

At some point in the middle of the walk, a woman walked by wearing stretch fitness pants, and he made a comment about how she was practically naked… and it was really uncomfortable. I think I felt like I wanted to argue, but also like he wanted to share the shadow self… the inner judgements and wanted me to be on his side. It felt yucky. I couldn’t care less what the lady wore, or rather, I support her in wearing what she wants and feel she shouldn’t be judged for it. Feel like she should be admired in whatever guise she shows up in… as all people should be. 

It was the same when he brought up George Floyd… sure he's not the most honorable man to have been martyred, but he became a martyr because he was representative of the need to respect human dignity regardless of circumstance… not blatantly ignore, judge, mistreat, oppress. It’s like there is some fundamental misalignment sometimes between this father of mine, and I. Its one thing to have a judgment and feel some guilt for it, its another to believe you are right, and better than someone else. Again… it just feels yucky sometimes. 

 

(I just noticed they were playing one of the versions of om namah Shivaya I listen to… so odd). 

 

So I was thinking about this the other day. How part of my healing path is to accept my shadow self, all the parts of me I have pushed away… tried to hide etc.  I was thinking about the differences between my selfishness and my Dad’s. I used to think selfishness was selfishness and always bad. Used to think it meant putting yourself above someone else, my needs matter more than yours, and you’ll have to deal with it.  This was the lesson I learned from my Father's actions so long ago... and it has haunted me. But I feel like at this point, my 41 yr old self, says no. I can have needs equal to yours. It doesn’t make me selfish or better to have my own needs or my petty wants. I don’t judge you for yours, so why should I judge myself for wanting my own peace of mind, or piece of the pie. I need to learn better how to put myself first, but not above. That’s my work to do. I think noticing the difference is helpful. Its like trusting the place form where it comes from is not bad, not shameful, not even guilty… On this level, I am learning and growing.

 

There is a certain amount of clarity coming to me lately… and I think its making it easier to act, and to pursue my goals. To experience life as it is, not the judgements I make of it. 

 

Some quotes/paraphrases from either tarot or online healers that have been resonating. 

“Clarity is not knowing what to do, its knowing yourself and being clear about it. From there you can act without fear, and know it will be ok.”

I think this is a helpful place to get to. To focus on the inner knowing of self, to be grounded, to be present, to feel fully myself… and then from there the world is full of possibility and I can just smile and step forward. No worries. No perfectionism. No judging self.

 

Need to remind myself of that.

 

Another, that has a lot to do with the last couple things I want to write about…

“You can always choose the level at which you experience a situation, what level, impacts how you experience it, even if the situation still happens.”

EG. You can laugh at a coup, or be horrified, or cry, or be indifferent.. But furthermore, you can see it from above, or below, you can see it as force to be worked with -ala jujitsu, or one to be met with equal force. Choose the level at which you wish to experience it, at which you feel capable… and then act in that.  But don’t forget its your choice, and that choice is always available.

 

Which brings me to the last two points. 

And right now I am feeling a little sleepy, and a little irritable with the amount of noise in here. The pushing away of distraction, or sensory input.  I came to the coffee shop hoping to meet someone, but this isn’t the type of energy I want to have if I met someone. Maybe I need to do some meditating on abundance… put the ideas I am dwelling on, into action. Maybe its time to head home and enjoy the silence of my home environment. 

I’ll probably do that and start again. 

 

 

(9pm)

The next part is like the opposite of how I have been feeling for much of today. I woke up in this space, but couldn’t maintain it. Maybe if I am lucky, I can get back there… but I just spent a few hours on my phone, took a nap, ate dinner, and then spent a few more hours on my phone because I am feeling so unmotivated and unproductive, and just like a waste of space right now... probably the food I have been eating. Donuts, don’t add energy.

 

Anyway… I am not sure how to bring this up since it is so far from where I am.   My whole thing about choosing the level you want to experience things at feels hard right now. Maybe a lack of energy, or feeling sick, or the temperature of the room makes that more difficult. Spoon theory after all. We can experience within the limits of what we can experience…

And last night, I felt limitless. 

 

I don’t really know why, but at a certain point in the night I was having a hard time getting to sleep, and I started brainstorming for the future, and started expanding my mind, further and further. Work, workshops, classes I’ve taught, lessons I’d like to impart, scientific ideas I’ve heard, spiritual ideas I’ve heard… trips I’ve taken in my mind, and in the real world… things coalesced, and I found myself considering these ideas of G-d and the universe, and everything seemed beautiful and expansive, and layered, but perfect. Like that Ram Dass video, everything was perfect, perfectly aligned within the way of things. Universes existing, times coexisting, life, the material… I felt like I was a smear of paint on G-d’s paint brush, brought to life amongst all the other smudges… sometimes the subject of a moment, sometimes a blotch in the background, but no matter what, totally part of the beauty of the universe. A testament to the creator, who creates in all moments, and creates to mirror back the parts of itself.  EG, what could a human mind fathom or perceive that isn’t A) verification to G-d’s omniscience, and B) pales in comparison… we create little objects, words and symbols, relationships and political systems, then throw them at one another, exchange them, negotiate, fight and squander… but in the vastness of this omniscience and this universe it means nothing… and yet everything. We puppets upon the strings dancing, playing our parts, holy regardless of their role. A member of a cast, a collection of atoms brought together to beautify the nothing, and make something…

And if we are breathed into by G-d, or we are reflections of her, in the whirl of creation and destruction, and creation again… then nothing is wrong, ever… nothing bad, no imperfections anywhere… suffering, pain, guilt, hurt, even hatred, just a note plucked in the symphony, dissonances performed to create a masterpiece… and our role… oh, are we vile for playing our brutal role?  The president, the warrior, the pirate, the flower, the peacemaker, the baker, the farmer, the starving, the prisoner… oh all good thingsAll living out their dollop of creation, none better or worse, just part of the perfection. And I am that.  At this level… oh the beauty and dance of the universe, and as without, so within, can you imagine the universe of microbes in our guts? In our blood? The electricity within our nervous system? The thought or image that flickers across my mind, is the same that flickers across the universe, all things connected, all vast, simple and complex. All the law of perfection…. What is a chair? A home, an assembly, a concept, a grave, a place to rest… so each of us. All things, grand and small, the micro is the macro. The blanket covering me, and the fan blowing particles across the room, like the sun blows helium across our solar system, and knocks out the wifi… like a galaxy swirling on the other side of the universe, like the swirling in the drain I just declogged of the filth I’ve shed. All perfection at all levels…. And in this vast creative space… this unending immaculate universe…

I wondered,  why do I choose to believe there are limits?

Why do I put limits on myself or anyone else? Why can’t I just marvel at the perfection of what ever occurs, laugh, smile, delight in the next breath, the next grunt, the next death?

I can be angry at Donald Trump for destroying the country I believed I lived in, or delight in the unmasking, and choose whether I want to heap new stone upon stone to build anew, or sit on the rubble and take in the stars and the starlink satelites when everything else fails. 

Nothing better or worse, starvation is just a certain set of pangs… but again, any choice, any timeline.  I often wonder, what makes a person make a choice I wouldn’t make. Why does this woman over here choose to start an only fans, or wear the stretch pants my Dad judges, while the next wears a burka? Why do I believe the limits of pickiness, of energy, of motivation… or sensory overwhelm?  Why not eat of the fruitsalad, aren’t all things from Krishna? As the man said. Any choice, any timeline, perfect. Sometimes some of the energy healers online will say, the angels, the ancestors, the guides want you to have whatever you desire as long as it doesn’t interfere with what you were put here to do, any timeline is as good as the next, you want to switch timelines, believe that you can. But they also say, you won’t be able to unless you firmly believe it, any doubt will send you back into the same cycle. If you are ready for the next thing, call out to the universe and the angels and the guides to bring it, where is my purple woman? (a reference to a video a guy made about DMT)… collectively we have chosen this, its what we believe we deserve, but there are infinite timelines where we have chosen differently, and each new choice, each real true free choice allows that shift. Why not grow like Hanuman and pace across the subcontinent? Why not shrink and dance inside the small intestine? Why not lay lazily like the lion in the grass, and later be feasted upon by the trillions.. I am the future soil, the future oil, the future rock flung across the galaxy, why not a moment of wealth, or lust, or chaos, or gluttony… and oh, of course for each choice there are consequences, natural, within the law. Why don’t I choose differently? The way I perceive and experience the law provides these consequences within this birth, within this role. Mine, might be different than yours, as Ram Dass says, I’m here, how did you get in that one? All different levels, all choices are available, but all within the law. So who do I call on?  

Some lady told me I need to invite in my Scandinavian deities (invest in the side of me that is unknown), and among them, Odin stands out, two ravens by his side, a blind eye, a hanged man, thrust upon the world tree wanting to see all. Choosing rather than being thrust into helplessness..

Not Jesus upon the cross, crying out Why have you forsaken me? (his role within the law), but a man who ties himself to it… give me this experience, I’ll sacrifice for it.  I am not Odin, but wonder if my desire to have crows near.. Huginn and Muninn, thought and memory… and what is it I do for a living? 

But this morning I found myself singing “take this cup away from me, for I don’t want to taste its poison…”  and considered Arjuna wishing the same. And inside the vast cosmic swirl within the charioteer’s mouth (another form of G-d) all the universe saying, you must perform your role regardless… we cannot have it any other way. Divine timing… all is choice, but only within the choices we have. 

 

I ask for guidance, hey universe, hey angels, ancestors, guides, aliens, whatever you all are… help me find my way home… my path, and let me be grateful, and let me not be afraid all the time…and let me find love… and let me know that you are holding all those I’ve loved, so that I don’t have to feel afraid for them, or responsible… and yet. What is my role?

 

Back to confusion. Forgetfulness. The vail. Back to worry.  Back to distrust…  

Its strange to have a glimpse of the way of things, to be one with all, and then fall out... again I am separate, discarded.  I thought maybe today would be the day that everything changes. It’s not over yet, but at some point, I went back into my habits… will again shortly. I won’t meditate tonight, I’ll probably feel sad and want to avoid it. Wide pain in the divide…

Grounded on this lesser plane, chalk full of insecurity, dullness, anxiety and conservation of energy… the material level. But this too is perfect, even if I am a worm in the very dry dirt.  I just have to remember, its but a flicker away, but I feel depleted… or lazy. Adam not extending his finger… and I guess,  I am that.