Dream

 I woke up late because apparently I had only set one alarm.

I have the time though... and I was planning on driving anyway. 

Its snowing and looks windy as hell.

In the dream at first, I was picking up a neighbor who had two kids. I had apparently put out some sort of social media post about meeting neighbors... and going to the local community center. We went. I hadn't been before but because I was hosting, they were assuming I knew the place, knew the plan. 

We got to the adult pool which was in a different section of the community center. It was full of people. People I didn't know. The guy I was with did, but almost immediately he told me this isn't the area for the kids... he went off and met up with a few people he knew. I looked around and saw no one, all the adults seemed occupied. I went and hung out with his kids to make sure they were ok. 

They were confident kids. The kind that know everything (EG my niece and nephews). That point out that they know stuff. I let them lead me to the kid pool... or at least that's what I thought we were doing. Instead they led me through the whole community center. At some point they turned into M's kids, even though it wasn't them, I knew she was these kid's mother. 

We ate a lunch they had packed, and my Dad and Colleen were there, and maybe someone else. I got in an argument with Colleen she started about politics. The kids were getting bored and started acting up. I felt responsible for their safety, their wellbeing, their lunch bags that needed to be cleaned out. 

I wondered where their mom was, why she wasn't worried about where they were -when clearly a lot of this had been impromptu and we were running late. I wasn't even sure she knew I had them. 

At one point I pulled the girl in and taught her how to say- "I'm bored and want to leave the table." Like reenacted it, rather than allowing her to be disruptive. She nodded, but I am not sure she cared. 

The kids started wandering around outside the community center, not far from a highway. I was trying to do the dishes very fast so as to leave the community center room in somewhat clean shape. My Dad was asking me about the area... and I was a little frustrated that no one was watching the kids. They knew everything of course, but didn't they still need supervision?

Sometimes the sink would start to get too full and threaten to overflow... I worried I was clogging the drain. 

It felt like a dream in which I was doing everything wrong, and knew it, mistake after mistake, many pointed out to me, some old traps I fell into and felt self-righteous about, but not helpful, me trying to be the adult and wondering why no one was taking responsibility, but at the same time, nothing was on fire. There was no actual danger. Everyone else felt safe -though maybe also restless. 

Like one of those teaching dreams where I lose "control" over the classroom, but really its just a bunch of bored/restless kids. 

I woke up doubting a lot of the decisions I made yesterday at work. Wondering why I wasn't more curious, wondering why I felt like I knew better than others. Its a place to repair. Its a place to trust the process. Its a place to forgive myself for not being perfect. Nothing is on fire. 

Masks Off

This is some brilliant song writing. As someone said in the comments, the words come tumbling out and you realize how much you've been holding back

We don't have to take our clothes off

The title is in reference to the song, I was just listening to a guitar cover of it. I know nothing about the song or the original artist. I just looked him up, he died at 39 years old. 

I am turning 42 soon.  (This is a note from like 25 minutes later- I was working out, and wearing lots of layers today -and walked to work in the freezing cold, but I can smell my own BO, and that almost never happens to me... so its weird, and keeps surprising me throughout this whole journaling experience). 

Which also means, it's nearly the end of 2025. I am working this week, though I don't really have anything planned so I don't have another excuse to not write... but just in case, figured I'd do some journaling tonight. 

What have I done in 2025?  What has this year contained... Further separating from E -especially at the beginning of the year when she stopped talking to me for like 3-4 months. Getting my own place. Leaving my job to start a business. Moving both to St. Paul. Seeing friends. Connecting with family. Cousin's kids graduation. Ali's wedding. Not a lot of travel -maybe a trip up north? One brief visit to Wisconsin? One twins game. A few old people concerts (orchestras/choirs). A few plays at the Guthrie and the Orpheum. Lots and lots of protests and marches, and a few community org meetings. A tarot reading just about every day.  Physical therapy. Mental health therapy. Tai Chi. That sing along thing.  Read some books, reread some books. Did some art. Did some writing. Went to a variety of coffee shops. Tried to do a touch of organizing at work. Joined a consultation group. Started supervising again. Basically  shaved my head about two months ago... its growing out well. Started playing guitar again (I was never even a beginner really, but I have played about 10 hours this month and at this rate, in 100 years I will be a decent guitar player). Went in the pool, the hot tub, drank coffee, used the gym, heated underground garage (the amenities I pay a fortune for). Went to church a lot, reconnected with old friends on multiple occasions (Morris and LNAS folks). Explored some new parks in the twin cities and surrounding areas. 

In general it has been a good year, and yet, I am never quite satisfied am I?  I mean, there is part of me that is not satisfied, and even though I can practice my gratitude and count my blessings and say my prayers every day... well, I still have a hard time imagining things carrying on this way without it becoming a little stale. 

That being said, in many ways, I feel the most mentally confident and calm - than I probably ever have in my life. There are still many moments (sometimes even a day or two), where I am overwhelmed or anxious, or feel like a loser, but it isn't my consistent state.  When I go there I don't tend to dwell or convince myself of anything. it is easy to laugh at myself, even if I am still wanting to be good, or be seen as good. I can notice and laugh, or talk myself down from the ledge very easily. I am anxious, but I notice my anxiety, I take care of myself, I tend to my own needs. But I also avoid and distract quite a bit. 

I've been taking a somatic class online. It's been interesting, makes me question how much I feel my feelings, rather than just intellectualize them.  I've been wrestling with my faith, my values and my role in the world. I've been wondering about my attachments, and if I am throwing away a good thing, or just moving onto something that suits me more (when and where I do not know). 

Those are basically the three questions I've been wrestling with behind the curtains of my cool demeanor. I mean, I am also worried about the business and money, and all my normal shit...but so far its working ok. I am not making bank, I am not going broke. I think I am making on average about 6500 -7k a month (total expenses (rent, insurance, bills, taxes, etc.) being at least 6k-meaning I am not really saving much), but its really hard to tell because I am still sometimes getting checks from sept or oct... and with the insurance and medicare changes, its very possible that my business takes a hit in the next few months. But maybe that is a good change, maybe I will get new fresh clients who want to pay more or something. Also, I am pretty certain everyone will be taking a hit in the next 6 months. I don't know how we would avoid a recession right now... we are likely already in one. 

Anyway I suppose to add to my three things, we also have the uncertainty. 

But lets go a little further...

In some ways, I know that I am very in touch with my feelings. I know that I can cry on a dime. I know I can practice gratitude and bring up a million things I am grateful for. I know that I can be present with others. I know that some things make me furious, and other things annoy me. I know that I am still very afraid of a lot of things, and that it plays into my trust issues and difficulties in relationships. I am aware of my feelings for the most part. But I don't always accept them, certainly don't always express them, and when I do, it's often intellectualized (like what i am doing right now). What does it feel like to sit with my uncertainty, my fear, my anger?  Sometimes I do... most often I recognize it, name it, move on from it. Often that is because I distrust that I will get the thing that will "solve it."  But sometimes, that also keeps me from accepting the feeling as it is... maybe there is no solution, but can I be present and feel my feelings anyway?  

Somatic therapy is also funny. Most of my clients hate when I bring it to their bodies. I probably would get anxious with that language too... but generally I am very aware of my feelings and what not in my body even if I am avoiding them. I can check in, I can recall, I can make myself feel things in my body. I notice how I feel in sessions, and sometimes name it for others to see if they are feeling the same. Its something I realized is a helpful tool as long as I don't personalize it. As long as I let it out...

But in my relationships in my own life?  I dunno... E was really good at calling me out on not sharing my feelings. I am anxiously attached (and then become avoidant). I spend so much time thinking about and worrying about the other person that I am not always sure what I am feeling, and even more, whether I would be willing and able to express it even if it were true. It gets me in trouble. I start to become resentful, start to feel entitled, become controlling and judgmental. All ways of being to protect myself from feelings... eeeeewwwwww.  But when I am by myself again, allowed to think and feel my own thoughts and feelings. I usually do. Just not with people. Not sure how they will respond. Can't watch their faces or body language or I lose my own. 

Anyway... I suppose I can stay with this connection topic- skip to the last thing then and come back to the meaning/purpose thing. 

So E has made a few gestures to come toward me. Started going to my church again. Reaches out. Doesn't ask too much, but still connects. Makes it clear she cares about me. And I have this strong guard around her. I don't look at her much. I don't reach out to touch her. I am nervous, but its not a giddy nervousness, but also not disgust or true aversion. It's guarded. 

Sometimes after I hang out with her, I wonder why I wouldn't get back together with her.  I am impressed by the changes she has made, the ways she is choosing to live her life, her fearless spirit. I enjoy her company, feel good when I am around her, feel loved. So why am I guarded? 

All last week (holidays), I felt like I was being bad by being distant. We texted a few times, but I didn't invite her to my family's and I didn't invite her over. I kept a boundary in place because I was afraid I'd be leading her on if I did any of those things... and yet, the whole time I missed her. Thought about her. Thought about our past holidays together, how we got into arguments, how we dealt with family drama... How we managed the stressful time, even though it was stressful. And I missed having a partner to do holidays with. 

So when we hung out on Saturday... I really enjoyed catching up, reconnecting. Petting Simba for a minute. Why leave? but then I also made a comment, and we talked about it, and discussed how at this point I am still not wanting to get back with her, and her getting closer will probably lead to a great deal of awkwardness later... and though it was uncomfortable and true... I felt bad, but also felt relieved that she would give me the space and acknowledge my boundaries. So then yesterday *sunday I spent the day alone because it was a snow storm. And I got lots accomplished, and tucked myself into bed too early and then woke up and couldn't get back to sleep and I felt lonely all night, and wondered why I was giving up something that was so meaningful to me.  Why would you give up your best friend?  Won't it break your heart if you have to give her up? Won't it make you heartbroken to see her in another relationship (whether she is happy or even worse, unhappy?) Don't you want to cling and keep the door open and not move forward with your life, just in case?   Aren't you still loyal to her, even when you're distancing, wondering how to be good to her from a far? Doesn't she challenge you in a different way? Don't you love her spirit? Don't you want to keep that around you forever? 

And I have done this before. Stayed hung up. Got caught in drama. Got caught in dependence. Got stuck in what is comforting, but not always right for me. 

It was easier today, to remind myself that there were reasons we broke up. That I was growing resentful. That I had my trust broken multiple times. That I couldn't rely on her for a lot of things, even if I could rely on her for others. But it's hard to remind myself of that. Hard to look for evidence against a thing... but should I trust my guardedness? Or ask for my heart to stretch again?

Should I put some distance between us, and go out seeking a new heart, a more aligned embrace? 

I want to imagine that there is some perfect person for me... but I worry that is more of my anxious/avoidance. Not that the person is perfect, but that they will have some of the traits I have loved in others, and some of the challenges that I can deal with, that don't feel like triggers/red flags. 

I want to find someone who I feel safe with in multiple ways.  But it is hard. I still love the girl, still want the world for her, I just don't know if I can be the one to offer it... you know?

So along with my quest for a new love while I don't know what to do with this old heart... 

There is also the third thing. I am naming that faith is part of this because for me, 'playing the role of caretaker, teacher, therapist, peacemaker, sage, whatever... has often been an expression of my faith and values. But I am noticing that it doesn't feel like enough lately. Like, it's not enough to just do this job -maybe because the whole world is on fire and I am a humming bird dropping tiny beaks full of water on the fire (all I can do). Maybe because I know there are limits to therapy now, just like at one time I learned there are limits to teaching.  

Part of this is why I was considering the whole "spiritual direction" thing. Wanting to have a new set of skills or a new role that would renew my sense of purpose. The work is still very meaningful, but I am not sure I feel purposeful anymore. Like, I could easily be replaced (is that it?) or maybe my spirit is just grieving still. Maybe I feel like I lost some of the purpose when E and I broke up, or the steady trajectory toward the idea that I may never have children. It's like... ok then the day to day can feel meaningful, but what's the point?  Where is life headed? Is there any direction, because the world heaps misery on us... and what are we doing here?  

I suppose in my faith, I find some meanings in suffering, in appreciating, in growing through difficulties. I didn't enjoy my body, didn't take care of it, didn't pay attention to it. I let my body decay and injured myself. Then I went to multiple doctors, a chiropractor and several physical therapists just to get me back to where I was before... but now I am trying to appreciate my body because I know if I don't I will suffer more -not just pain, but the inability to do the things I want to do. I am still struggling with my weight... overeating, but I feel like I am physically growing stronger even if my belly is also. It is slow, and it requires consistency and I am not always great at that....but I have been doing spanish for like 2 years now, and playing guitar this month. So maybe I can keep adding slowly and consistently. 

But back to my purpose. I am questioning.  I used to think it was my job to take care of people. What if that's not the case?  I used to think it was ok to self sacrifice and life has taught me that is not actually serving you or the other person -though I still suck at it.  I used to think I could change the world, educate or nourish or heal the world... I just don't have that kind of hubris anymore. I still dream about writing a novel, publishing poetry, maybe writing a song or two... but I don't seem to put much effort into these dreams... I have found myself working, and focusing on work. 

But if I were gonna die in the next year for certain, I'd probably want to put more time into connecting with others AND writing. The problem is that my writing often feels like it takes up too much of my mental and emotional energy. Work requires the same. So... I have sacrificed the one for the other. I don't really like this arrangement. Last night at about 1 or 2 am, I thought -well I am turning 42, and in a few years I will be 45. I started this novel back when I was 29-30-31 ((Feb 2014 the idea from RYW- but according to the note, you'd been thinking about it for months- thoughts for the first year or two, scattered notes, ideas, stories in your mind while you traveled, 31-32 it was all out writing.) So maybe I shoot for 45 to publish the novel? 

Can I maintain work, relationships, hobbies, self care, AND write and edit a novel? 

Only if I start putting some effort into it -and probably get rid of some of my distractions. 

I dunno... seems like a more reasonable goal than saying "when I get around to it..." and then never picking it up again. Maybe like guitar, it will just be an hour or two total per week... finish in 100 years, but feel more confident because you can easily make 5 or 6 chords without thinking too hard. 

Ok. No kids or gf, just a book and then you die?

I got the tower in my tarot today. Both sets of parents are out of town. Multiple clients are suicidal. There was a snow storm. E's health still worries me. Some of my friends have depression.  My health isn't exactly top notch. and lately even though I am not dwelling on it, I just keep feeling like something big is gonna shake me up in a way that I don't appreciate, but that I will have to deal with at some point... you know?  I have a million little worries that turn into day dreams, that turn into "problem solving" that won't actually help. Maybe its like the outside world feels uncertain and cruel right now, and I am waiting for it to hit me?  Or maybe my tower moment is realizing that if I want things to happen in my life, I have to actually take responsibility and make them happen? 

Could be that simple right? right?

I miss traveling and reminding myself that anything is possible. 

I have to work this week. Gotta pay the bills. Maybe this summer I will go on a trip or something

Humming

 At a concert the other day my mom told me she used to find me conducting music in my room. I still do. 

I also used to hum all the time.  

When I was really little, someone must have played this song somewhere and it stayed in my head for years. I’d hum it when no one was around. I didn’t know what song it was. Didn’t know anything about it except it sounded Russian to me. Maybe in a past life I was Russian or something. Anyway… decades without knowing what the song was. Then I randomly hummed it into google and found it.  

https://youtu.be/4kfQNPldvAg

a child is born

 No THC rootbeer for me tonight. 

Its nearly 11.  

I went to a super liberal Lutheran church tonight that my parents go to. 

I've been there before many times, but its been awhile. It was really weird to me, how they have changed so much of the service to fit their values etc., but still keep certain parts, and still share the same stories, and the same songs. It reminded me that I am not a Christian by faith anymore, even if I am by culture. 

And that struck me in a really weird way, because I found myself nostalgic for this past version of myself that believed. I talked to my Mom and Grant about it, and texted E about it a little. 

When I was a kid, I was a really Christian kid, internally at least. I didn't take the Lord's name in vain even when I began swearing, I went to church frequently. I believed the stories, and sang the songs and prayed often. I read a children's bible at night. I had dreams and nightmares about the bible. I drew pictures of bible scenes, wrote prayers and songs in my head. My first cds were Jesus Christ Superstar and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, not long after - Godspell. I had cds of Christian camp songs, I had tapes of sermons. I requested to watch the Ten Commandments and Jesus movies when I was sick. I went to youth programs here and away. Mission Trips.  Church camp. I went to my Mom's church, I went to my Dad's church sometimes, I went to my Grandpa's church. There were several times when I 'ran away' or got upset and I went to church because it was a space to commune with G-d. I was a really Christian kid. Those were all pretty outward things. 

Internally I believed these stories and songs, I believed them concretely, and then when that changed, I wrestled with them absolutely all the time, to believe to be a person of faith, to fit into these beliefs even when I no longer believed everything the church taught. There was a war in my heart, my soul, and absolutely my mind... and it said that I needed to be good, to be a believer, to have my soul redeemed because I was sinful. I was a monster. I was so easily tempted by evil... and so, stories about Jesus... were really powerful, not because metaphorically or symbolically he pointed the way to a better life, or to freedom, or relief,  but because he was salvation.  Because I believed, wrestled myself into belief, struggled and overcame in my belief and through his grace.  And it was painful, and scary, and sad, and I was frequently a mess of a person struggling with guilt and shame... but it was an equation easily satisfied by my faith, which -I still struggle to question. I mean, I believe in something... its just not that story of G-d coming to earth to free us of the condemnation he had previously pronounced. 

I love elements of the story, I love the idea that if G-d were to come down from his high and mighty, he would upend the story and do it through the lowliest of us... the poor unwed mother, refugee, oppressed by empire... Emmanuel sure, I am with that. The reminder that our faith calls us to serve all, that we can see G-d in the face of another, all of that.  But this idea of sin and redemption... why...

But tonight in church, I missed that part of me. I missed the part of me that could believe these ridiculous stories, and sing these absurd songs, and not criticize or question, or know better...  I missed that part of me that believed it, knew it absolutely to be true, 

missed it, because and it gave me concrete meaning and purpose not just abstract values and complexities, and uncertainty.  

I missed my certainty, and even when I wasn't certain, my belief that someone higher than me knew better, and all I had to do was wrestle myself into submission to his will. 

It's weird to feel free of that shame and fear, and still miss it.  

My faith seems so much bigger now, so much more all encompassing, so much more grand and mysterious, creative, expansive, awe filled... and yet I dunno, there is something powerful about the story of sin and redemption, it's so neat. 

It's funny because even though I have wrestled with this awareness on and off, I am reminded of Esfegione, The Lord's Beloved... and how he wrestles with this same exact story... going from childhood awe and awful adoration, to knowing better, and still wanting his God to love him. (This is from my book).  It's almost like my characters are parts of me... go figure. 

It's hard for me to comprehend how other people believe still.... unless they believe it like they believe in Santa Claus... like everyone shares it with a wink. 

Anyway. 

Christmas Eve

 

It is a Wednesday. Feels kind of odd to have the holidays midweek. I decided to take three days off total for a 5-day weekend. Not doing much, with the exception of a couple of family events. I slept in a bit, so I have that lingering migraine that I have pushed away with Excedrin, but probably I'll be slightly irritable. So far today I've done some laundry, some Spanish, some exercise. Still need to wrap some gifts. Still need to spend a few minutes at least with the guitar. 

I am not sure why it's so hard to be present, to be thoughtful, to feel homey. My apartment feels cluttered with too much stuff and no right place to put it. Some of it is temporary and will be given away, only to be replaced by more stuff in the next few days. We are keeping it relatively small this year. Between our lives -already full of consumer goods and the prices these days... Just doesn't make a lot of sense. 

I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with Don, and asking him how it felt to be part of their family. Asked him if things were ok, wanted some inside dirt, but also just to remind them I really did care. It was an awkward dream. I didn't feel I had the right, but also didn't feel like I needed to run away. 

For some reason I've been thinking about Becky a lot lately, about the time we went to her dad's for Christmas, about meeting up with her in York when she was married, about attending her wedding. Maybe because it was her birthday a few weeks back. Maybe because I watched a video where someone was in Leeds (which I visited on that same trip). I am not sure why I was thinking of her dad, he was barely a part of her life with the exception of a scary shadow in the background. It was a very awkward visit. She was uncomfortable the whole time, I was anxious as always. Her dad seemed to be trying his best but there was no relationship there. 

In some of these memories and dreams, I had so much of my heart invested, even if outwardly I seemed nonchalant or cold. I remember one time with Becky -she thought she had seen her abusive ex in a crowd, and I spent hours on edge and fuming and fantasizing about confronting him. I have a fantastical anger in me... it's odd. Sometimes it catches me by surprise. I was at McDonalds last night and a group of teens were there and for some reason I felt on edge and wondered how I'd respond if they were trying to show off. Imagining confrontation.  I must be angry about something I guess. 

What of this heart that imagines things, swells with love, with anger, with hurt, with fear... and then years later, I haven't talked to this person. Is she a stranger now?

I sent a few messages back and forth with Eduardo (J) a few nights ago. She is back in Perth for a few weeks... she seemed to have nothing to say to me, but asked questions, but didn't seem to want answers. Maybe she was busy. 6 months or so ago, we fell out of contact, and I felt a deep loss and worry. Then when we started chatting again, it felt kind of like strangers giving updates while running in different directions. Maybe it is time to let go? 

I keep thinking that I need to journal and figure out what I want to do next with my life... because even though I have the business up and running, it isn't meaningful -doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. What direction am I heading?  If life continues this way, is it ok?  I feel like I am fine, but is that all I want?   This morning in the gym an older guy, whose name is also mike, did a 15–20-minute workout. He's in retirement, audits classes at the University a mile or two down the street, volunteers in local organizations, is very bright, thoughtful, political. But I wondered if he had anywhere to go today or tomorrow. Maybe he doesn't celebrate... I know he moved to the cities a few years ago. (I learned all of this the first time I met him at a meet and greet in sept), but anyway... it made me wonder -is this my future?  Mike on the treadmill for 15 minutes, Mike doing a few lifts for a couple minutes... Mike with nowhere to go on the holidays because he doesn't have a family nearby?

And on some level, I was answering, that's not even the future -that's the present.  I mean, I have parents houses to go to. In the future will I stop by James' place? Friends?

A part of me wants to reach out to E. Ask her to hang out tomorrow morning. Go to church with her tonight. But at the same time there is another part of me saying don't rebuild a relationship you don't intend to have... you're leading her on.  She has started to go to First Universalist. I don't mind spending the time with her, but I don't see a future with her anymore, so it feels weird to seek her out for comfort or closeness in various ways.  She said she isn't doing Christmas with her family, maybe that is why I am having dreams about them. She said it feels empowering, but in my head I hear her saying "will you invite me to yours?" even though she isn't asking that aloud. 

See my messy, cluttered heart? 

Or is it just my mind that plays out these games.  Tonight and tomorrow will be fine. I'll spend time with family, and watch their kids play, and open presents, and eat food. I don't think I'll feel much of the 'christmas feeling.' It won't be magic. I'll probably come home a mix of glad to be away, and lonely. I'll consider having a THC drink. I'll prepare for the next day. 

My life is made up of lists and distractions. 5-6 mall tasks, never ask too much of myself. Not really contributing much to anybody else, because I made the mistake of trying to dedicate my life to taking care of others when that wasn't the key to a healthy relationship...  kna mean?

I feel like I am in a waiting space. Something I was watching reminded me that if you buy into that idea you're kind of creating the resistance to change... but I am having a hard time not experiencing it as waiting, slowly building skills, rebuilding foundations, trying in some ways to maintain my body, -while in other ways poisoning it. biding my time *for what?  waiting to be plucked from the crowd, to be chosen, to be sparked, like a car engine being jumped, revved up by something new. 

It would be nice to feel more creative... to write a poem, or make a piece of art I actually admired. I have not felt up to it. But its funny how the little things like playing guitar each day or doing spanish each day have built up my confidence that I can do things at all. I mean I will never be amazing at either, but I no longer believe I am doomed to suck so bad I can't try. I guess there is a difference that way. I can memorize chords at least. I can play around and think *wait that sounds like something... and even if I don't really know how to play any songs, I can play parts of songs and that is a start. 

I've been reading Andrea Gibson and its beautiful. She (they? cant remember), has a few stirring poems that make me cry. She has this one poem called "Good Grief" that is so simple: "Let your heart break, so your spirit doesn't"    feels like good advice. It comes to mind sometimes randomly. I probably need to let my heart break a few more times. I probably need to invite in a life that moves me, compels me, shifts me into new versions of myself, so that I can experience the full weight and capacity of whatever this life is... but how and why, and where do you let it in? 

I seem to be letting it in through my role and profession. I seem to be collecting the downtrodden, maybe even the ones who won't be able to pay their bills. Maybe I am doing it all wrong, doing it my old way... but really it just feels like I am being true to myself, and admiring others who are true to themselves in whatever capacity they are able to. I don't feel taken advantage of. I don't feel like I am limited in my ability or capacity -other than by what I have chosen. I am not bitter most of the time. 

But what next? J made a joke that I am always like that... trying to figure out what I am doing with my life. Like that is my mode. Maybe it is. Maybe I should just accept that what I am doing is writing on a 20 yr old blog to myself. 

Maybe I should try to recall memories on here, catalog a life, a past. Maybe I should be writing essays, here is the thesis, here is my evidence, here is my call to you. Maybe I should be using this space to be more creative, only write with germanic sounding words, latin sounding the next. Alliteration and rhyme? Stories only. 

Do I even have a story to tell? What have I done that is a story lately? I ran to the mall, I went to Menards, I visited a pet store with 2 giant tortoises. I left all of these places without anyone knowing me, and without knowing anyone. I now know there are two giant tortoises and a handful of really large snakes within a few blocks of my home, that is good to know, I guess. 

I saw or at least talked to 10 clients and a supervisee this week. Had some inspiring convos. Had some boring ones. Had some sad ones. Had some in which I felt unsure what to do, had some in which I felt like life would work out anyway... 

Was reminded me of the Duluth trip with M.  Was reminded of going to the McDonalds in Sao Paulo (the most racially diverse place I've ever been). Was reminded of listening to rock and punk music and being so angry at the world, and the ones who said I accept you anyway. Was reminded many many times of being in My Grandpa's church, journaling in the pews, the smell of incense, the sadness in the air, the quiet of those nights... the feeling like Christmas is as much an experience of deep grief and sorrow and questioning as it is a celebration... maybe even more so than celebration. 

On this night a child was born under threat, destined to be torn apart on your behalf, you ungrateful... I dare you to cherish him, to see him in your neighbor, your enemy, your own heart.

It reminds me how deeply I felt and took in these stories when I was little. How I knew things to be true... felt them so deeply. Felt them beyond words or logic... and now?  What do I know?  My universe has expanded soooooo greatly, and I am less sure than ever of anything except that it is our job to say yes to it.... despite all of our habits of saying no. 

Maybe I am just confused. Maybe my heart is messy. Maybe I am sad today like I am every christmas. 

Middle of the night.

I have this desire to create something beautiful, meaningful, lasting… instead I watch YouTube or worse even, reels on Instagram. 

Vic and Katrina did this little art print workshop and it was really beautiful and inspiring… and it would be nice to just have the capacity to welcome… to be open. To give. I’m wound up playing my role too much. 

I haven’t read the book I was reading in a week. 

Last week I played guitar twice, I’m determined this week to play at least 15 minutes every day. Tonight I played for thirty, but only after laying in bed for like 4 hours in and out of sleep. 

I did not do the dishes, sweep or vacuum, wash the countertops… these are things I should do. 

I’m keeping up with my Spanish, so I know that small increments consistently matter. 

I’m keeping up with my work, though there are a few places I’ve fallen behind -namely Medicare and a call to Cigna. I have between 15-20 clients every week. It’s hard to know whether that is paying the bills. I’m behind on a credit card, but I also know it was the equivalent of the charitable donations I gave for give to the max day, so basically I was trying to live abundantly. I think I have enough saved for taxes, but who knows. I am working two days next week, and all five the following week, any appointment is making cash even if it’s 1-2 a day, that’s a few hundred coming in. 

I feel like I am managing socially, but not that active. I don’t feel like I’m a great friend to every body. But I’m still trying to say yes when people reach out. 

I bought a happy lamp I haven’t used yet. I feel like I’m out of counter space. 

I am not happy with my weight and the amount I crave sugar and desserts. I feel like my body is starting to work again, -

I’m going to the gym at least twice a week. Walking, tiny amounts of lifting… but I’m sure I’m not offsetting the amount I’m eating. The cravings are sooooo strong. Makes me want to take one of those shots, but I know they mess with your metabolism - so probably not a good idea. 

I’m running into a gray zone… I feel like I want to be dating someone, but I’m still spending a lot of time with E. And that’s probably not helpful to future prospects. It isn’t the same as it used to be. Sometimes I don’t even respond to her texts, as in, I let the conversation die, don’t follow up to every open door- etc. but it’s still nice to hear from her, and I still care a lot. Still worry. 

But how do I open the door to someone new? Not that there is anyone I’m meeting or anything, but even if there was…

I need to get a massage, but it’s so damn cold out I feel like my body would tighten up immediately after and defeat the purpose. 

This is apparently just a list of complaints and updates on the day to day.  Life feels ok. There is probably a lot I’m avoiding. I’m trying to be healthy and make slow progress towards my goals, but I feel out of balance some times. The SAD is not helping. Some days I feel terrrible and other days just fine. I feel anxious a lot for no reason,feel like I’m behind, when everything is just fine. Like all weekend I felt like I was procrastinating my work. Like it was looming over my head, and then today I just caught up in between sessions. I didn’t even have to do any over the weekend. Got it all done. This week is a light week for work, next week will be too obvi. So what do I want to spend my time doing? And how do I get out of this mindset that there isn’t enough to go around? 

I keep feeling like something drastic is gonna happen, and part of me wants that, something to launch me into the next chapter. This chapter is slow, it’s rebuilding, it’s creating a structure and a platform, but for what?

The news everyday I so upsetting. It’s weird to have a high standard of living in a country that clearly is falling apart. 

I guess I should be grateful for what I have. I did not win the lottery the other day… and that’s probably for the best. 

Well I should probably go to bed. 

The world feels heavy

I’m not sure what to say exactly other than the title. I feel very blessed and grateful to have opportunities and to have such wonderful people in my life, to be close to friends and family, to have people who have been with me for decades or just days, but who are sooo beautiful and amazing. I have resources and meaningful work, I have the opportunity to be creative, or take care of myself, or veg out and indulge in nothingness, whatever I can choose… but damn the world feels so heavy right now.  So much grief, sorrow, suffering and though some of it is natural, it’s made all the worse by the fact that so much of it is humans choosing this. 

There are people weighing on my heart, and I don’t really even feel like I can say the things I mean… I live my life so afraid to be fully present, so afraid that something might happen or I won’t be able to respond, or I’ll be taken advantage of  or whatever… I’m not sure what will change that, but despite my actions and stoic responses, I’m a little guy with a very big very full heart, that breaks routinely. And lately it is heavy.

This week is gonna feel busy till Friday. I hope to make some meaningful connections or progress on things, and also just keep my head above the water.  

I dunno. 

Just need to say this

 

I’m so mad at myself for not being normal enough to have kids. I’m so sad that I probably won’t have them. I feel like my heart has become too hard, and I’ll never really love without holding back… 

And I’m kind of devastated that I wasn’t dumb enough to fuck up in a way that gave me kids. Maybe I’m infertile anyway or something… I just. I feel like half of life has been cut off early. 

I don’t know if that’s how other childless people feel, but I feel that way right now. And I’m so sad and mad at myself. 

I watched this video and this girl just starts the video with “hey baby… “ as she is talking to the viewer and I had this thought about what if I did a video every time I had a moment I wanted to shared with my child… (and I thought of the miscarriage)  and I just fell apart. I want to go to bed now, even though that’s not healthy. I know I should have compassion for myself or do some self care or turn it into creativity… but I’m just kind of like what’s the point? 

I have a really long day at work tomorrow.

The world is fucked up, and I fucked up. And I don’t even have anyone to share the fuck ups with. 

So that’s tonight. 

I’m not suicidal or anything, but if I ever am. This is my note. I tried really hard to do the right things, but I didn’t. I know it.  And I don’t have anything to show for it. 

Holiday weekend

 

It was a good 4-day weekend. Time spent with family and E. Got to see Simba though it sometimes feels like he doesn't remember me anymore. Saw her new place. Not sure what the deal is there, but I am glad she has some distance from family and is in a safe and comfy spot. We walked 9 mile creek in the snow and then went to an Osaka that is now called Samurai, and both decided that Benihana is much better. 

I spent much of the 4 days practicing self-care. Took a few days off from screens -hoping to limit them more in the future. I started playing guitar again (around 2 hours so far). Started writing a song, and busted out the old audio recorder thing I used 15 years ago. I also spent about 2 hours in the apartment gym, so I am using the amenities! YES. Still not sure the apartment is worth the cost, but I figure if I go to the gym twice a week that's pretty good, that's like a $100 membership to a gym, right? I'd still rather go for walks, but it also snow stormed this weekend... so tough to get around. 

I am feeling a little brain dead. I'd hoped to do some creative writing or brainstorming tonight. But it seems like the blog today is mostly just a recap...

Did some supervision CEUs... need to do more in December, but feeling mostly on track for licensure in Jan. Did not do a few other work things (paperwork, Medicare) but I can do that Monday, Tuesday. Had a bunch of people reach out this weekend for appointments... so it feels like I might have to start a waitlist soon. I kind of like having a day or at least a half day empty and it seems like peeps want appointments.

Thursday this week is consult. Thursday next week is a Christmas concert with my mom. Gonna do therapy just one time this month... one chiro appointment, maybe a massage? It seems like the physical therapy has done wonders, and now my shoulder is roughly back to normal. Still a bit tight, but I can lift weights and move it pretty much. Maybe I will cancel the appointment in January. 

Listened to some Louden Wainwright III and 311 today. The LW cd is has a lot of songs about aging and loss, and rediscovering or accepting where you are at. the 311 cd... um not really a theme (Soundsystem) come original?

Spent some time yesterday thinking about an art project and kind of designing it. If I keep up with the no screens, I could imagine it getting finished this year.  

Time with family was good, mostly centered around the chaos of the littles. It is hard for me to imagine having little kids, the mess alone. And yet, the idea of existing for another 10-40 years without a family seems kind of pointless in some way. I don't think it is, but I also understand why childless people might decide to let go once life gets hard, like who is gonna take care of me anyway?

Considering changing churches, I think I need to explore the ones over here. It's mostly because there is staffing changes happening at first U. I enjoy their services, but maybe I could find the same elsewhere.

Not sure what else. Apparently going to the gym right as the sunset wiped me out. I ate lunch at like 3:30 so now I am not sure if I call it a night and go to bed at 8... or try to wait to have another meal. 

Seems like a weird day. I woke up at 11, so everything has been off. 

Maybe I'll get a new wave of energy in an hour or something.

I was thinking I should start writing essays for the blog rather than just venting/journaling. What could I write an essay about?  RIght now, nada.

Haircut? Or sad

 

Mental health is so weird. Being a therapist is too. Yesterday I woke up feeling anxious, then felt depressed, then pulled myself together aa the sun broke through on my walk to work. I got to my office and drank coffee and used a happy light and got some work done. I felt prepared for my first client, I had a good time with my new supervisee, I joked with another client, and with the last I felt overwhelmed and urgent and like i fucked up by giving unwanted advice. I sat in my office for 30 minutes doing nothing as the sun began to set, then walked home trying to remind myself I’m not a fuck up. Awed by the swings my mind can do in just moments, trying to be grateful, trying to let go. 

I got home, made dinner, did some Spanish, some physical therapy. I went to bed at like 8:30. Woke up three hours later with my mind doing 5 things at once, all of them kind of stupid (replaying a song I saw 30 seconds of at some point in the day, playing risk, trying to reassure itself). 

I spent like 20 minutes in bed half wanting to go back to sleep and half trying to convince myself that there must be something more to this recent bout of shame, fear, vulnerability and insecurity. Why am I suddenly swinging all the time between these things? Why does it feel like work just to have a cogent thought. 

I have some big fears that keep surfacing. I’m afraid I’m really unhealthy and don’t even know it. Like maybe my heart is gonna give out. I’m afraid I can’t stop eating sugar as evidence by the half a lie I’ve eaten even before thanksgiving, the constant candy etc. I’m afraid I’m not gonna find someone to love, or maybe that I’m not even interested sometimes, I’m afraid if I do find someone that I will have to give up other people to love, im afraid I’m fucking up at work, I’m afraid I’m not doing anything with my life, I’m afraid I’m wasting my life, I’m afraid of how others perceive me and that they are judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I’m afraid I’m doing harm.

I dunno… I just feel so ungrounded in these moments and in the next totally logical and even optimistic sometimes. 

I feel like I’m picking up way too much of other peoples stuff… some of this doesn’t even feel like me. I also worry that I’m totally off, and not really hearing anyone, lost in my own world. 

I feel very insecure physically. I think some of it is the haircut and people noticing. 

I’ve been wondering if I should be on meds again. Maybe that would make things easier. But I’m also like… why am I afraid of feelings? Nothing is actually wrong, nothing is on fire. I’m literally just reacting to my own thoughts and feelings… like oh? You’re uncomfortable with your hair cut or your body? You can work with that. Oh you are worried you’re addicted to sugar or screens? You can work with that. Be bored, be creative, read a book, draw, write… do something besides distract yourself, meet someone, travel, pick up an instrument dance.    So many options and you’re trapping yourself in the smallness of your mind rather than embracing the wholeness of reality.  

I’ll probably distract myself after writing this. 

I remember during covid some of these feelings would come up. I’d go to work and be “helpful”, and then wonder whether it mattered that I lived or died, and then wonder if it mattered  that I couldn’t answer that question with anything that felt important.. like yes and no, no and yes, and so ultimately meh, not really. 

So replaceable, so intangible and weightless in the larger sphere of things…. I think about plague victims, human beings with every bit of beauty and awe, and awful, as us… dying, suffering by the thousands, millions. Families and villages and nations wiped out in the span of days or months. And each of them wondering why? Why their life did or didn’t matter. Why their life became consumed by a different life, the gnashing of teeth. 

Change is the constant.

I think about how dismissive I’ve been of my life lately. Someone gives me a compliment because of my hair cut and because I don’t like it, I tell them I’m not sure yet. 

Someone gives me a congrats on starting a business and I tell them I don’t really care about it. 

Someone tries to tell me or show me they love me, and I don’t have the time for them.

I dunno… this ivory tower living sure isn’t it. But I also don’t know what else to do. The thought of moving again -even next August, seems like a lot of work. The thought of finding a new job or office space… meh. 

I think ideally I find a project or an organization to dedicate myself to, maintain what I have and throw myself into something else, so that I’m not feeling lost and disparaging myself. 

Men alone, become sicker statistically. 

I figured I’d write this stuff down not because it means anything in particular, but just because though I’m not sure it’s good to dwell on, it’s also not good to avoid. I fear I’m avoiding something, and I don’t want to do that. 

Maybe more vitamin d tomorrow. 

What is real what is you?

 

Its a Sunday. I slept in because the only time sensitive plans I had were cancelled yesterday.  I was social the last couple days, and figured I'd be using the day to prep for the week and do nothing. 

At some point in the very early morning I considered avoiding my computer and phone all day. I need to do that more often. But I figured I was gonna do some work today, and probably watch church online. 

It's been kind of wild day in an odd way. When I woke up I had this slight awareness that nothing was real. That the stories I tell myself to propel me through the day, to motivate, to get shit done, to have goals, to have accomplishments, to have relationships or a personality... none of it is really real.  The feeling has come and gone throughout the day. It's not quite depersonalization or ego death, its more just a glimpse of that. It's not quite depression, but I could see it turning to that if I listened. I did some stuff, some laundry, made a smoothie, did the dishes, got groceries. I ate breakfast and lunch, I texted a few people...

But the feeling comes and goes. Sometimes I can concentrate and focus, other times not. I can watch shit and not lose interest, laugh along with stuff, be impressed. But I also sometimes have a thought and it slips away without anything happening... and that is kind of off putting while at the same time I am not sure it matters once I am in the mindless state. 

I watched a video that said all the red flags are you, and I agreed with every point about that personality I have and its weird stories.  I watched a hypnosis video that called attention to your mass/matter, and thought how funny it is that we gain and lose mass/matter without ever noticing or feeling different that part of me is new of changed.

I watched church online and I was curious about the drama behind the scenes. One of my favorite church leaders is leaving the church and he hinted that it had been a hard time for him. Another left about 6 months ago... what is going on?  Part of me wondered if I also want to leave that church? It was a new member ceremony and it felt odd to welcome people into a community that I was feeling less, communal with. 

I dunno, its been an odd thing today. At one point I got sleepy and sat on the couch and basically fell asleep, I went and took a nap. The sun set. Time passes. Suddenly it was 5:30... where has the day gone?  What does it matter? 

I have some work I want to get done tonight still. And I know I need to eat dinner. And I was planning on journaling or something... I gues this is that. 

On friday I hung out with E, made salmon, read tarot. The time went quick, but I was nervous and odd the whole time. I felt like I was trying to make her happy, but also averse to making her happy. It was weird. I am not sure who I am or what I want to be. She asks me so many questions... last night I had dinner with Illy and she was doing the same. I talked and talked and somehow in talking and feeling more and more myself, I also felt like I was losing myself. Its and odd feeling.

I saw some of my teacher coworkers yesterday and we went for a walk at 9 mile creek down in bloomington and it was beautiful. At some point we talked about politics and I got so angry, and then I realized my vision had completely narrowed and I was only looking down at the path in front of me instead of marveling at the beauty around me. It was so simple to change focus, but it felt like in being wide eyed, I'd lost all ability to name, direct, control.

I was telling illy I feel like I've lost my ability to trust people... or maybe its more like I expect everyone and everything to fail... and I don't trust my ability to get back up?

I am living so unnaturally, a whole day off to do nothing, alone... I wonder how many humans who weren't exiled from their community ever did that.

I am not sure what I wanted to say. I have been eating too much, and preparing to hibernate. 

My tarot cards today were the hanged man, the hermit, the 7 of swords and the 7 of wands. I thought I was taking time off to figure out who i was and what i wanted to do with my time and energy... turns out I was just being a lump, disconnected from reality... and maybe thats how I actually spend most of my time, disconnected and pretending that I am connected?

Who knows. 

I better make some dinner or something. 

Feelings

 On Sunday I went to an event for a clinic I used to intern at. I was preparing myself to run into M, and built myself up to feel confident, self assured, then got all sorts of wound up in the drama in my head, then laughed it off. 

She didn’t show up. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I hadn’t seen most of the folks for a few years. Turns out they were trying to have like a brainstorm/ restart on the clinic. I was able to share what had been meaningful to me in the past, and a few ideas about the present and maybe even the future. I found it to be a really cool event, and it made me miss being involved in organizations, missed having a shared mission and a team to work with. 

One of the board members asked me to email the director with some ideas. I sat in my car and wrote out an email, and began to imagine myself giving presentations at the universities trying to create enthusiasm about their mission. It felt great to brainstorm and be creative about something other than my own stuff. I road the wave of it into the next day, when I was confronted with my own therapy practice again. It was a good day with clients, today too… but I miss the sense of belonging, and I miss having a team. 

It also made me realize there seems to be a difference between me creating my own projects - like workshops, and the idea of helping others, or representing someone else’s mission. I could run classes or groups now, but I dont feel enlivened by the idea of doing it alone. 

So I’ve been thinking and wondering about that… it also made me realize how much I miss my old jobs because of that, and exes who I’d come home and brainstorm with. It felt like I had a teammate. Now… not so much. 

Today I struggled to get my head fully present. I felt like crying all day. Clients were good, connected with a prospective client as well as a coordination of care call that went well… but I was partially absent… something in me felt sad and angry and raw… a lot of my clients feel that way now, and I’m sure I picked up a bunch of that these last few days but also something stupid happened 2 blocks from my office (an ice raid) and I let other people in my building know… but it felt violating. Even though I wasn’t involved - found out later one of my old coworkers was… but it felt violating to think about how a client might be trying to get to their therapy office and get caught up in that. Or, people living or working in the fucking neighborhood! This is my neighborhood now, and some fuckers just ran in with weapons and pepper sprayed protesters and it’s just evil. 

It’s awful. I had this weird moment where this construction worker (white guy) who I was informing looked me in the eyes with the same “it’s fucking bullshit” attitude and I didn’t know him, and I was just moved by the fact that he was so quick to anger and protection like he was thinking about people he knows and works with, and his first response was so quick to that feeling of recognizing it was sooooo hurtful and scary, and angering.  

I didn’t know what to say, I think I nodded. I was caught off guard. I just wanted what he wanted and I didn’t know what else to do.   I mean, basically I was super sure everything was gonna be ok in my building, but wasn’t sure if people were coming into the building today… and I didn’t want anyone to feel scared or hurt. 

Ad I was walking home I was being a little less kind to myself, and I kept having this Ram Dass quote pop into my head - it’s from a video I used to watch every day before work, “you do what you do because your human  heart hurts…”   And then my mind would skip later in the video, “there is another part of me that is looking at the universe as it is, and saying “yes and this too.”

But I don’t think I could really stay with either of them. I watched the news and played games. 

It feels like there is an ache… I am sad. I don’t think I’ll cry tonight… I probably need to be less empathetic this week. 

11/15/25

 Its 9 pm on a Saturday. I'm in my bathroom at my normal spot at the island counter

Had dinner with my mom and grant last night. It was nice.  

Spent about 4.5 hours with Gabi this morning.  Was it really that long?  I was supposed to hang with some old teacher crew... but they cancelled and having just spent a bunch of time being social I was kind of ok with that.  So instead I came home and at lunch, then walked to Dogwood and felt uncomfortable in their chairs... (I need a new coffee shop). Some of this will undoubtedly parallel what I journaled there. 

What am I even journaling about? 

Sometimes I am not even sure what my life is anymore. 

"I will be light, time will continue without you, so in the end it's not about you."

I was talking with gabs about life, about disability, about healing, about our journeys and professions. 

I told her that even though she has faced a setback and might even launch into a new career, she is still herself and just finding ways to do it in a healthy way.  

I feel like I am applying that to myself for the most part. For the most part I am living out a healthy life... but it's so limited. Its work, and friend and family, but not a family of my own. Its small acts of creativity, but nothing to show. It's showing up for church but not having a community. It's showing up at protests, but not being involved in an org. Its maintaining my apartment, but not really feeling all that at home. 

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like I live deeply into a very small puddle, and it's not truly a fulfilling puddle... or like it's not enough to sustain a life. I'll need to find a bigger puddle. 

I think the difficulty is that the only place I really feel like I could push and make bigger right now is work... and that's the imbalance I am trying to get away from. 

This morning though, I woke up and decided I should really make progress on some of those long term goals -the 'bucket list' that isn't much of a bucket list. It's basically individual goals that I don't need someone else to accomplish... 

I am sure I have put these on here somewhere...

1) A cd or book of poems

2) learn to play a few songs on guitar (this would presumably mean that I learn them long enough that I could always pick up a guitar and play around). 

3) learn Spanish well enough to have conversations (this would presumably mean that I keep up my spanish enough that I can engage to some extent throughout my life). 

4) 6/7 continents aint bad.

5) finish the novel/series?

6) Grandpa videos  -this was an old project and it never turned into what I wanted. When I interviewed my Grandpa, he didn't have much to say. I realized I'd have to enrich the video with pictures and other stuff... and it started to feel like too much work. I always make things bigger than they need to be.

That's basically it... I make progress on Spanish -at least 5-20 minutes a day. I haven't touched the guitar in years. But I woke up this morning and thought "You know, you could publish a poetry book."   And for about 15 minutes today I thought about curating and editing a small book, self publishing and then not really sharing it. I don't really want a big audience; it's a personal goal... but maybe it will give me more experience for publishing the novel if I ever finish it. And then I would have something to hold in my hands, and not worry about people stumbling upon my blogs and 20 years worth of scribbles. 

I'd be like yeah... I wrote some stuff... it's not great but I like it. And the process itself would force me to wrestle with creativity more frequently, which would be good, because right now it feels like I am just avoiding it at all costs.  Today I wrote a little thought thing, not really a poem, but maybe if I edit it. 

I wrote some early in the summer?  But yeah... generally not doing much. 

I'm still somewhat interested in the idea of spiritual direction, but I am not sure it will really add much to my life. I feel like to some extent I'm tapped out on learning the next new thing... and now I should really read a good novel or something. Something to take my mind to different locations. 

I should probably set more time limits on screens. Listen to music... draw... write... play a few guitar chords. I mean arguably, I could probably complete most if not all of these goals within a year or two. 

I can speak Spanish like a 2-year-old. I don't practice with anyone... maybe I should be talking to Gabi in Spanish. 

I don't really want to go to Australia or New Zealand these days.   I think my next trips may be Mexico City, maybe DC or NYC, Portugal and Spain, South East Asia... those are the spots closer to the top of my list. Australia might be an indicator that I have a terminal disease... 

The novel could be published... if I got away from my giant idea of publishing it as a series. The project just got bigger and bigger (eye roll).  Maybe if I do a poetry book I should limit myself to like 30 and then I don't have to worry about it too much. If I did it as a zine with art, it would be even easier... but I kind of want the published bound look -not the things I did in high school. I suppose in that way I am already an accomplished author. Funny. 

Yeah so basically, I am saying my life is really easy. Work seems to be getting easier and easier. Less to worry about. More recognition that I can make it work and put in more effort if I am worried.

I have a list of stuff I need to do for the business, and for my life and I am not really trying on any of them. Health and dental insurance, some financial things, some legal stuff, some professional trainings... a few items for the office. It's simple stuff, and it doesn't seem to be a priority. I think maybe I like to have a list sitting in the background to feel like I have things. 

I wonder if that's why this "bucket list" doesn't seem to motivate much. I mean I got started... and now its like... ok finish it when you want. 

So it's probably time to start looking for a date. 

I think about other stuff I've been considering lately, volunteering, organizing, teaching, clubs, classes.

The tai chi thing was alright, but I am not actually all that interested... I forgot to do physical therapy yesterday and I am avoiding it tonight... (just did a little, probably need to do more when I am done). I'd prefer to go to an open mic, and get back into that kind of thing than the tai chi. Maybe I should check on the qigong. I dunno experiences, its like going to that shamanic class, or the reiki class, or Hare Krishna meeting, its like you try stuff. It's good, even if you don't make it a habit. I've done martial arts. I've done some types of dance. 

My mental health is funny... I notice getting anxious all the time, but I have ways of coping and recognizing. I am not sure if my beliefs of self are accurate, but they aren't getting me in trouble. I am functioning just fine. I am probably not "living up to my potential" but I don't feel guilty or ashamed like I used to. I mean sometimes in a motivating way, but not really in a "you're a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything..." kind of way. I am pretty genuine, even if I don't always express my feelings in the moment. I do avoid a lot of social situations, but I also don't really enjoy a lot of social stuff. 

I don't necessarily enjoy the time alone (hence so much distraction), but I don't want to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else, and everyone else is telling me about shows they are watching on netflix, so I must not be too far off -watching my youtube. 

I think its just that I'm so much more aware and accepting than I used to be that people just are who they are, and their lives are not going to be nor should they be perfect. It's like "yeah, you might figure that out, or you might keep doing the same old... and who cares."  \

Maybe having a horrible person for a president helps take the perfectionism away.

I dunno... I don't want people to suffer and make mistakes, I don't want to either... but we will. We will. Again and again... so why dwell too much. 

Feels like time for a shift, time for a change?  as if I didn't just rearrange my whole life 

--whats next universe and in what ways am I blocking my own blessings?

What could I let go of?  what could I add more of? 

What is nourishing, and what diminishing, and am I willing to forgo the latter for the former?

My sweet tooth and iltosha are still present...

Should I be a monk?  Should I be a poet? Should I join a choir? 

Should I swan dive into the sharks or the lions den or throw myself into an hielo vehicle (a word I can never hear when spoken, only recognize it when its written.

Maybe its time for more side walk chalk... maybe I need a horse or a wolf dog, or a guinea pig.  

 

Ram Dass answer to my situation

 https://youtu.be/wUqyE_sTRf8

Free journaling for an hour, I replied to Eduardo asking me how im doing

 Been struggling to figure that out lately. I went through a few months where I was starting my private practice and worried about money and trying to get everything settled and stable. I moved across the river and have been working out of my new office and trying to meet new colleagues and establish new routines. Felt like I was working towards something, even if it wasn’t exactly fun all the time. Now (since about mid october) I feel a little more stable and a lot less clear about what I’m supposed to do with my time and energy.

I’ve been going to more protests and things, but not feeling like committing to organizing - cuz it’s so exhausting. 

Been trying to say yes to random things, like the singing thing in the bar. Been seeing friends and family. Trying to keep up with the news… being very functional -as in keeping my apartment relatively clean and cooking, and trying to exercise a little and pay bills and what not.

But not feeling very inspired or clear about what comes next. It’s a little boring. I am sure I could create a more dramatic narrative, but it’s kind of like I rush to get a stable platform underneath me, and then sit on my ass uncomfortably- unsure what to build on it. Not feeling inspired by the outside world, and not feeling very ambitious myself. 

And my country is a shit show… and it’s obnoxious how every day there is a new headline to grab the attention and direct the outrage, but nothing seems to change. Lots of protests, but similar to my personal life, unclear of the direction - definitely feels like shit will get way worse before it gets better, and it’s very easy to be cynical in recognizing that it is all our choices. 

Trying to focus on little stuff, local stuff, eg local workers, local environmental stuff. Seems more possible. 

Trying to give back in the ways I can, as in not stressing when my clients who are way more scared or stressed than I am, miss an appointment or can’t pay me. Or like buying my broke friends a meal or taking them places when they don’t have money. 

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’d say I’m content and that feels uncomfortable and kind of stupid given the world has always been on fire. 

I think doing my own therapy work has been weird because now it’s harder to guilt, shame, judge myself into doing things… I’m kind of like, “meh, that doesn’t sound appealing.” 

Somebody used to say I see lions everywhere, and that I need to start recognizing sheep are sheep, not lions in disguise. I feel like I’m getting closer to seeing the complexity of lions and sheep, but being less scared of both… but still not sure how to interact with them or even if I want to. I don’t know if that makes any sense. 

How are you?  What have you been up to? What’s inspiring? What’s bringing some joy, laughter? Sorrow? Connection?

End of the month

 

It's about 2:15 on a wednesday. I have a client in 45 minutes. This week has been pretty empty -as in 7 clients in the first 3 days. I need a few more, but I have two intakes scheduled next week and don't need 10 all at once, so that's a start. 

On Monday I had counseling, had taken some extra time to do brainspotting potentially. Didn't end up doing it. Talked about shifting identity, and how right now I am not responding/reacting in the way I used to, but I don't know how to respond/react differently yet, and its leaving me feeling a little less sure of myself, despite not tearing myself down (either). 

I remarked on the different identities and lives I've lived. My counselor was kind of surprised, she's like you have had two full careers that both required additional education, and you were a leader in a church thing? and in all of these areas you used to have community, and a shared sense of purpose and now you're doing your own business and effectively alone... and I was like yeah... and I'm trying things, but its hard.

On Monday I went to a "sing along" thing at a local bar. Went alone (mistake), but didn't know what to expect so I didn't want to invite anyone, wanted to have my own experience and decide what to make of it, not feel like I had to attend to others'. Turns out they are trying to rebuild the experience, so its a guy sitting there with song books, and me and a few others turn out. And we sing together, and in between its like the shallow political talk of strangers who don't know what one another knows already. Also there was a drunk Mexican guy who kept losing english words, so you had to concentrate extra hard to understand him. And in some ways he made it more fun.  In the moment I wasn't very anxious, glad I hadn't brought anyone, but glad to know what it was incase I wanted to bring more people the next time. In hindsight the shallow convo etc reminded me of being at hostels. People who are trying to get to know one another, but why? and to what extent is it even possible? But we are lonely, and desire to be part of something... so why not. 

It was something. 

Last night I thought I was gonna read, or write... but ended up on my phone.  Ultimately not life changing, and somewhat disappointing, and at the same time.. just another day.

Before bed I asked for dreams.

I got one at least. I remember it because I woke up and wanted to go back. 

In the dream, it was some kind of family event/reunion, maybe a wedding or the kind of funeral that is expected. But even though it seemed like my family, an ex, who didn't know my family well was present with her kids. I knew she was married with kiddos, but she gravitated towards me, and me to her. We hugged, he cuddled for a while, we talked, traded secrets, it wasn't sexual, but it was intimate, it was affectionate... and I wanted to be closer. I wanted that in my life, wanted her children to know me, but also wanted to provide the escape she needed from her responsibilities. It was an odd thing, it was loving, but somewhat of a secret, we made our own world in and amongst the larger gathering, the families with all their expectations and needs. We carved out space to just be for a moment, and it was an embrace with so much promise... and yet, it wasn't fully real. She wasn't unhappy in her marriage, just needed a short break, she wasn't unhappy in being a mom, just needed a space in which someone else could hold them for a moment, she wasn't promising to move to be near me, there was no life to be had together. It was just a moment to say, but I see you, remember you, cherish you, love this... and it was really enticing. I woke up, or something changed, and when I went back, she had already left. She didn't say goodbye, and that hurt, even though I knew better. I headed in that direction for a while, maybe even caught up, but there was nothing to say. No promises to make even though I craved them. It was a moment, and it felt lovely, and then goodbye. 

I know who it was in the dream, but it also feels a little symbolic of multiple relationships I've had... even sometimes of the experience of therapy... it's a very intimate experience, very vulnerable... I see you, I adore you, I am comforted by you... goodbye.

For example... I've been wondering a lot about M lately.... ever since I realized she works down the street. Wondering what that relationship was... a break from her struggles... a place to rest... a goodbye that happened way too abruptly. I blamed her... but maybe it was exactly what it was... and I just suck at not holding tight. 

Or with E, I adore her, I really enjoy being around her...but I don't know that we are as compatible as I hoped... so in some sense every time I see her now its "I love you, goodbye." 

So I keep thinking what next?   Trying new things, dabbling here and there. Going to Public events... but also spending a lot of time alone in my apartment. What does the next identity look like?

I don't know the direction of my life, and it leaves me a little u clear. I find it funny how many of my clients are in the same space. I talk to them as if I know things... reflect back what I am hearing... but its not because I am different. 

I always go in the same directions and maybe I am worried if I do the same old, I will get the same old results. Maybe I am afraid of new things though too... 

Anyway... not sure what to say. I feel unsettled, and a desire to distract and avoid... but I am also being productive, keeping up, functional... probably a little too independent.

A taste of what is on my list for today:

-1 more session. 

-walk home.

-spanish

-physical therapy

-make dinner

-buy quickbooks and explore

-print a form and sign.

*tomorrow I have three more sessions... sort of similar list. 

What to say

 It's a Sunday mid-October. Yesterday was a big protest. It was fun. Went with E and her friend's dad, who was very interesting, but a quite elderly man who was super slow. In a sense, we probably so more of the massive protest march than anyone else, as they all passed us by. It was pretty crazy to recognize that people just kept coming... it was a mile and a half route (they said), and it was full, for several hours. I think they are estimating 100,000 which seems high... but who knows. 

I am not sure I really have a lot to say these days. I went to church this morning and sat with Sara. I got groceries and then relaxed all day. Tomorrow I have therapy (brainspotting), followed by work for just a few hours, followed by consult. Nothing else on the calendar till next Sunday when there is a little bit of environmental advocacy for Grant's campaign (geothermal for St. Paul!). There is a lot of good work happening, I wonder why I am so reluctant to be involved in things.

I am less nervous about the business on the one hand -more and more claims keep going through... though not sure where the checks are going. My old landlord reached out and sent the safety deposit to me... so I have enough for November is what I am saying. I need to start getting serious about tracking how much money is coming in for tax purposes. 

The other day I was realizing, wait, its only been two and a half months. technically 11 weeks since I moved here. 10 weeks since I opened the business. That's not much... but I feel like my whole world has shifted to St. Paul. My daily life feels very different... and it really is true that once I get all this business stuff worked out... my life is very boring...

I am spending hours and hours on my phone or computer. Not reading enough. Not seeing enough people. Not really being creative or all that productive. 

For a while it felt like rest after shifting my whole world... now its starting to feel boring. Which is good. 

This last week I got some news -re Medicare and Medicaid and insurance stuff being bullshit and maybe that will make my life more dramatic and scarcity based again... but for now in general everything personally is really ok.

I've been fairly positive. Fairly grateful. walking to work a lot when I can. Got my routines down. Now its time to add again... I think. 

I still have no idea what that should be. 

I know I need to be a little more disciplined in some work/admin stuff. 

I know what things make me feel centered... but generally, the thing I want to add is more sustained community and maybe a romantic interest. 

It's been weird with E. It is sooooo easy to be around her. Like a few hours felt like nothing at the protest. But I don't look at her like I want her... even if I love her. I don't seek affection anymore. It's like she's a really close friend or family... but not my gf anymore.  I dunno what that means. 

I am proud of her, want her to have a good life, but also I don't want to take care of her anymore... 

I was imagining winning the lottery, and wondering if that would change things. I dunno.

I am back in an AOE2 and t90 phase. I am listening to a lot of great music ( Brandi Carlile , Jesse Welles, Frusciante covers, Katie Gavin, lots of other stuff. Following a lot of politics. Watching youtube and insta. But I am not involved in much. Reading "Becoming Wise" Krista Tippet, and a Sufi book. The first is ok, the second has been life changing every time I read it. I actually think its part of what has been allowing me to be in a good mood, but I am not very consistent. I read like 2 x a week, and sit around telling myself I should be doing more. I think I would need a routine away from my phone/computer.  

I usually see at least one family member every week, at most two. I suppose we have the holidays coming up. My mom and Grant are going on a big trip to Argentina and Chile in Feb. -So I guess I won't be going to Mexico then. -Maybe I will anyway, but my Mom said she'd go with for a week. 

I dunno... I feel a little disconnected from myself and everything today. Which is fine. Maybe I am living at some level of dissociation all the time?

I don't really feel lonely the way I have in the past. I feel content. I would like to add more. I don't feel pessimistic about that being possible, I just don't know what the direction I want to go is. 

I think I thought I would have more to say, maybe that's why I haven't been journaling much. The scarcity and fear have worn off, and now I am floating rather than grasping. Maybe I should do some reading... but I will probably just watch more youtube. 

I should probably give myself some goals for the week, I mean other than paying bills, doing the dishes and some spanish. 

Octubre

 Did some journaling earlier today about an awesome play I went to see last night with E... 

But that was in the journals.... I had meant to sit there at the coffee shop and do some imagining, some brainstorming... some thinking about the rest of life. But I didn't. Finished a book. The storm outside stopped, and I decided it was lunch time at 3 in the afternoon. 

It's the first Sunday of October of 2025. Its been in the 80s so far this month, and this week its supposed to take a dive. I think it was last year or the year before they had to cancel the twin cities marathon because it was too hot. Today was the marathon, they didn't cancel. The heat broke with the storm and the sky was full of clouds all afternoon. 

It's October.  On Friday I went for a walk with my Dad... Saturday morning hung with him and James and the kiddos... went to Home depot for projects and then a park for an hour. It was nice, but hot and somewhat exhausting. Crazy that an hour on a playground will wipe you out when you spent your youth running around on them... 

Dinner, a short walk around the river and the play last night. 

Today I slept in, and then watched church but it wasn't inspiring. Coffee shop. Finished Everything is Tuberculosis which was a great book. Sad, but hopeful.  Then got groceries and took a nap...

So many naps these days. While out walking to the coffee shop and back, I wondered if I need to just spend 20 minutes a day imagining. I don't do enough of that anymore. So much phone time, youtube, computer games... much of the slow part of life has been replaced with a screen and it makes the time go by, I even find I crave it... but its such a bad habit. AND so unfulfilling ultimately. I don't write poetry or think up new things... because I am too busy watching something that I will forget, fulfilling all my temporary needs.  

I think the orange guy is gonna die soon. I don't know why, but it just feels that way, like there is another turning point coming. Maybe its wishful thinking. I am not sure what will happen to the elephants without him, will any of them wake up?  

Things just seem crazy... and I am not sure what my role or part in it is... I was wearing my little braid with beads today and wondered if I need to be displaying a freak flag more often... something to just say    ummmmm no. Without having to address it all too much. Maybe a bumper sticker. 

THis is the kid who wore a peace sign every day, do you remember him? Where did he go?  On the one hand, I wonder if I have less ego on the line, less need to be seen. And on the other hand, maybe I am just afraid. Afraid to be seen, afraid to be tore down, afraid to let others down, afraid to not have foundation or structure...

Its October. I said I would take on new clients by october. I have started one couple. I need about 5-10 more clients to fill my schedule and make the whole thing work. But its a weird time in the world. I don't seem to be doing a lot of advertising... what is my brand?  I want to put up memes or jokes on my website... not very professional.   

I dont know...

Was thinking maybe I should go to Mexico City in February. But will have any money by then? At this point I haven't even made enough to pay my monthly bills... how could I afford to go to Mexico City? Seems outlandish. And with the state of the world, shouldn't my money go to something more substantial?

Apparently my mood has shifted from earlier in the day when everything was possible... now I am being too cynical. 

I just don't know what I am doing next I guess.  October, November, December, -have to get all my CEUS. January, February?  By August I need to find my next place to live... This place is too expensive for real...  My office is up -around next fall or winter... not sure yet. If I haven't build some community, maybe look to find some folks to create a new space. Between the apartment and business expenses I think I am paying around $3300 and I am not taking in that much so far. So gotta cut costs. 

I thought I was prepped for it all. But again my theme of the night... I dunno. 

Its a weird time of life. I feel like I am the least held down by shame and guilt, general anxiety than I have been in years... but I am also not exactly free/adventurous. I want to make good impressions, but I also don't really care too much, don't want to go out of my way to please people... in some ways that is freedom, but at the same time I am not sure what this freedom should be for. 

I have extra time, and I am not sure where to place my time and energy -because I don't want to get warn out, and I don't really want to feel overwhelmed... I want down time...

Maybe I should be writing again. Maybe in the next 6 months I figure out my business and finish part of the book and then give myself Mexico as a reward or something. 

I need something to look forward to. Thats been a theme lately.   I know there are family events, but other than that... not much.  

Its nice to hang with the kiddos, but also reminds me of what I don't have. Maybe its ok to not have your own kids. Maybe thats just how it will be... maybe I can focus on other people's kiddos. 

One of the themes of the play was what makes a life worthy, worthwhile? meaningful?

Whats the smallest measure that would be proof of that? 

The characters ultimately consider multiple metaphors via the arching metaphor of music... maybe we all just have to learn to play our one note truly. Maybe my note is being a teacher/therapist... for a while I thought it was being a friend, but not so much anymore... I had figured at some point it would be to be a father. I am envious of the young fathers I see in my practice... how they light up. Not an organizer, activist, freedom fighter,  artist? Writer?  probably not... guy on a park bench?  maybe...

I answered the question with the sense of honor I feel when an animal or a baby or a small child or a stranger thinks I am worthy of a smile, thinks I am safe enough to come near. Like my niece and nephews who launch themselves in my lap sometimes. Like... in what world?  I remember that dream I had a long time ago, when a small child saw me, lit up, yelled Mikey! and ran to me.  It feels like that a little. They are their own beings, and I am honored to feel seen and loved. 

How many little notes have I been honored to play?   And all of them true to some extent... but is there a legacy or something I am supposed to leave, or am I just part of the cacophony of sound? when the dissonance gives way to the melody... the quarter tone, the in between notes...

I should read more sufism... that would probably set me straight and crooked. 

The truth is, I want love and a family. But I don't know that I am ready... looking back, I certainly wasn't. All the people I thought I would be, could be, should be... coming to terms with who I am... knowing I won't be able to please all those I love, that yucky feeling. 

Still learning and growing and changing everyday... maybe its the carving away? or the adding... I dunno.

thats for sure

heart and head

 Listening to the tiny desk concert a client recommended before I see them again tomorrow. Big Thief, they're good so far.

Tonight I hung out with E, we walked westwood and went out to eat. It was nice.

At dinner I told her I don't want to date her, but that I wasn't shutting myself off from dating others. She assured me that was ok. I told her I felt guilt and had a hard time trusting her response because of my own shit... I cried half the way home and messy cried when I got here. 

I don't know why... I know that I still love this person, hold them in my heart, worry about them, pray about them, want the best for them... and I know my head has convinced the rest of me that love in this case is not enough -wont lead to the life I want to live... and yet... it sure hurts to say it. 

I was relieved for a little while with how she responded. She seems to get it. I am happy we can be honest with one another, and it actually makes me want to see her more. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I actually do enjoy being around her. So it sucks.

Head and heart knowledge not the same sometimes. 

I am trying to get past this whole caretaker thing, and E pulls me right back into it every time. I don't think its intentional. But it just sucks...  When you love someone, you take them as part of you. And I want to keep that part of me. And I want her to feel free to be herself, but I like that she wants to be around. I just don't know what to do...

I think its the right decision, but I think it would have been a lot easier to know that sooner if I hadn't let myself fall in love with her, dream and try to make a future together. heh... I guess its just natural consequences. 

The tarot people always say you have to make room before new things come into your life. I want to be open to those new things and not feel guilty or defensive or loyal to E... and I know right now I am still having a hard time putting those misplaced feelings aside. It might even be better if I started dating, and then she would have an easier time getting over me?   Is that how it works?

I dunno... I am not over her, I guess is my point. But I think I need to keep moving in that direction. AND honestly it was good to say out loud to her, and its been really shitty for like the last hour... and maybe I just need a night to cry it out. Not the first time, probably not that last. 

Sunday

 

It’s about 10:50 pm when I start this. I feel like I got most of goals accomplished this weekend, maybe with the exception of seeing the lizard crew or any family (they didn’t reach out, so I didn’t). 

Yesterday I saw E again at the hospital and had some reminders of her family drama and I will probably get into that in a minute. 

I also walked to The Golden Nuts with Rachel over in Columbia heights because I was craving Dubai chocolate. It was a good long walk, though a bit sticky out. I got some treats and a bubble gum soda which she made fun of the entire way back - she said, “if you have any icebreakers like a fun fact about you, you can tell them that as an adult you have had a bubble gum flavored soda in the last year.”  It was a bit stronger than Inca  kola but totes delicious. 

Today I went to church, to dogwood, and then spent half the day in bed? Probably not that much but it felt like 3-4 hours at least. I woke up and got shit done. Which feels good, but now I’m worried about my 8:30 am appointment tomorrow. Maybe wake up and shoot espresso to the dome. The day will be pretty chills, just three morning appointments and presumably a lot of insurance calls all afternoon. Maybe I’ll go swimming if it’s sunny. 

So back to the drama.

I had this realization… I was spending time with E at a mental hospital and enjoying it. Honestly it was a really fun time. It felt good. I really like being around her. I enjoy talking to her, and she actually let me talk a lot for someone accused of being manic (she clearly isn’t right now). It felt really nice and I was having a hard time reminding myself that feelings aren’t enough. It was weird too, because the day had started with drama and worries. I thought I was getting myself into chaos. It felt yucky, suddenly being in the middle of her family drama again… and then later when I ran into her family it was nice. It was familiar. I missed them even though I’d spent the morning wary, angry, judgmental, wanting something desperately from them… and I’d spent so much time noticing I was in the drama, and laughing about it… it was also so familiar. It was my life for like 2.5 years. It felt like home. And to be honest… I wanted more of it. And then I realized that I was in the role again. Jumping to rescue and play peacemaker, and guide, and gift giver and supplier, and nice guy. I was doing all the things, and feeling like I was being effective… and it was like.. oh am I really happy or am I just playing my role effectively? 

And that’s what is so hard… because I am genuinely happy when I get to talk to E and we are on the same page, and we are dreaming, and exploring and raising insights and I get to be a teacher and a wise person and a good guy… I loved spending the time with her even in the middle of a mental hospital. (What’s the difference than that and meeting at headway?)  

But that’s not what caused me to have distance.  It was not that I didn’t love her, or enjoy her company, it wasnt even that I did all those things for her, I did them willingly - wanting to. It was that I ended up feeling responsible for everything.  I want to do these things in a relationship, and I want a partner who does them, and she couldn’t. And I am always looking for signs that she might be able to… she speaks a good game sometimes. But I can’t depend on that. 

And it sucks. Because I like who I am around her. I like how she sees me. And I like who she is in the world, (when she is in the world) but I can’t depend on it. I can’t 

So today I talked to her when she called, but I didn’t go with my friend to the hospital to visit. And though I did a little research for her, I’m not trying to jump in and fix everything… even though I want to. 

And I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. But it was really weird (kind of heartbreaking) to get to play the role again and like it so much… and then realize it isn’t enough. 

I also think I want to clarify that it isn’t her, though I’m sure all my arguments sound that way… I mean it is her and the circumstances but it’s also me.. I’m not enough when I’m just playing the role, I tiptoe, I’m not honest, I’m gaslighting myself and manipulating the situation, I’m not actually being authentic and it ends up being destructive because later I’m resentful and avoidant and shutdown and angry… and it’s not enough if I don’t show up and feel I can show up in a relationship. And I have to figure that shit out… even though I like the role, I’m not the role.