Heart stuff and holidays

 I’ve been working over time at my job for several months, I am supposed to have about 25 clients a week, but I’ve been averaging 29 plus 2 supervision sessions, plus 2-3 consults.  It’s taken a toll in that I haven’t seen much of my friends or family.  

We (E and I) skipped thanksgiving to get some time to rest and rediscover who we are, so I guess we have to put more effort into Christmas. Christmas is always kind of hard for me… too many expectations, too much disappointment, too much nervous system chatter. The desire to connect to be seen, but the recognition of having to play a role because everyone is pretending it’s ok… but things aren’t ok, you know?

I am taking next week off. A rare thing for me in this job, but a thing I should probably be doing more often.  At least a day here or there… 

I have so many clients I’m worried about, that it’s hard to think of them alone this week. Not necessarily that I am worried they will suicide, though I am worried, but more that I know they will feel alone… and that sucks. 

This week, reminding them I won’t see them till the new year… a few hesitations. 

I went to therapy tonight and did brainspotting for the second time. Both times I guess I am super susceptible, because I just launched into it.  This time I tried to focus on the memory of my dad finding out his mom was dying… E reminds me he was feeling anguish/despair… I remember him on the phone, I was 4 or 5 and he was across the room and he was holding himself upright… and I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid of his sadness and scared, and felt helpless. I was stuck in the doorway. I don’t know if that’s what actually happened, but that is how I remember it, and how it felt in my body all these years. Watching my dad fall apart on Christmas and knowing that the world wasn’t always ok.   

In the brainspotting I chased the feeling of being helpless, reluctantly, to be honest, I wanted to look away, but I was encouraged to follow to be curious to sit with… and so I noticed it, and noticed myself closing in, my hands pressing together, my shoulders crouching, my tight frame, my armoring… and I sat with it, then pulled away… then went back… and eventually the armoring lifted… I opened up to the feeling and the helplessness vanished… my little body could move again… and I could sit with the sadness and be compassionate. I wanted to hug him, and I could. I wanted to hug myself and let little me know it was ok… and I could.   There wasn’t the freezeframe anymore… I had movement and freedom. 

I found myself a few moments later armoring again. Sitting with the present and my need to be armored around my family. We discussed it for a half hour. Concluded I needed to sit with it, do some mindfulness prior to seeing them, notice that it’s ok when I arrive and gradually let go throughout the course of the experience.  

I’d like to some day not be a grouch at Christmas… but I’m not quite there yet. 

I found out M’s bio dad died.  A hurt in the heart for a man I never knew. For a woman I haven’t spoken to in years, and who I don’t plan to ever again. And still, there was love and wonder and curiosity and compassion once, and so it remains. I said a little prayer as I often do, for the folks in my heart and in their hearts.   It made me wonder about all the news I do not have, the other heart aches and joys… how out of touch I am. 

What will I do with this time off?  To remind myself I am bigger than my job? To connect myself to something more intimate, to be vulnerable and open?

I don’t know yet.   Maybe I’ll keep isolating, or maybe reach out. Maybe create. Or maybe just exist.  I dunno

Pumpkin Spice Season

It is a Sunday. I have plenty of work to do, but don't really want to do it. 4 DA updates, plus consultation notes, and termination summaries. It's tedious, and not really part of the moving forward process... part of the side quests maybe, part of the letting go. 

This morning I was reading this book  How Can I help? it is kind of a collection of perspectives and experiences around getting clear on what one is doing when trying to help, versus what is really helpful (according to the Authors). For instance, early in the book they mentioned that by being a "helper" you automatically require the other person to be the one who needs help... and that this power dynamic actually interrupts the help that is possible. Versus, as Ram Dass would say "I am in this one, how did you get in that one?" meaning meeting as souls experiencing the journey from a higher place. 

As I read (and of course the book says this will happen), I find myself questioning my profession and interactions. The unnaturalness of it all. Which is something I routinely comment on in sessions. That this is an artificial relationship, and that if the person were able to get what they need in a natural way, it would be preferable. Where are the natural helpers?

This morning's read was more along the lines of discussing the suffering that happens, and how to sit with it, rather than problem solve or push it away with intellectualizing, or distracting. I find myself routinely in this position through work.  

Lately I sit with clients or talk to them on the phone, who are experiencing an immense amount of suffering. Some experience pain. Some experience meaninglessness. Some experience loneliness and feeling unconnected. Despite their state, they are also all stuck in their stuff... 

EG a client complains of being ridiculously lonely and wanting to be around others, but rejects an opportunity because it's silly, or it isn't a preferred activity. The opportunity to meet her needs, but she rejects it because it doesn't come in the package she would like. What need is that then meeting?

Another Client behaves similarly, gets frustrated with the system that doesn't make it easy, but rejects it when it comes easily, prolongs the windows between connection, "I am too caught off guard, too anxious." 

Another Client longs deeply to be seen, and therefor rejects anyone's perception that she is similar to another. "That's just like your Dad." "No, see there you go comparing me (therefor, not seeing me). 

Another projects herself as being above everyone "I am a genius (smarter than everyone around me). Dont force me to conform, or jump into you boxes or roles..." and also wonders why she can't connect to others, or why there are so few people in her life who have really been able to make her feel a sense of belonging. 

Another sees himself as deficient, and therefor lives his life masking, and then wonders why it is so hard not to stray into distractions that allow him to get away from his circumstances. 

Some folks narrow it down to helplessness, worthlessness, and unloveablity. Or shame, guilt,

And how do I respond to these inner beliefs, or the situations of stuckness... Sometimes I want to jump in and problem solve (sometimes it is helpful), sometimes I want to run or avoid, sometimes I want to ask for help, sometimes it makes me feel not enough, sometimes it makes me question if I have anything to offer at all... so many responses. Sometimes I sit with it... validate, other times I challenge or question. It's a weird thing -therapy... like is there a right answer?  surely the pattern will repeat again. 

I find it the best when I can just sit with and believe in someone. 

But sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I want to challenge their drama. Sometimes I am caught up in it with them. Sometimes I want to provide perspective, othertimes share my own drama. 

I would like to respond with curiousity and creativity and warmth and offer a new way of being, rather than simply a new way of thinking... but its hard to do. At times I will feel super grounded and present, other times on edge and impatient. 

I don't have to look to work to recognize these patterns, I feel them deeply in my personal life. As work has taken up more of my time, I feel I have less to give to others. A lot of time with E and family, but not a lot left over for friends. Sometimes I miss them, but often I think of them with worry  rather than love. A scarcity mindset. What will they want from me? What if I can't perform or play into their stuff? What if I am not enough, or can't give enough, or don't want to?  It's all drama. 

E has been sick the last few days. She lost her voice, and is coughing and sore. She sounds absolutely miserable, and my honest reaction is to pull away. A combo of I don't want to get sick, and of feeling like I can't make the discomfort stop... so I need to distance. 

Shes been actively cleaning the house and doing projects and seems somewhat on edge. When I look at her, she appears mad at me. It triggers this belief that I am not enough, and not doing enough. She tells me I trigger the same in her, and we come together to acknowledge that this distance is awful and not intentional... but we spend a whole day believing our shitty interpretations before asking. 

I am worried about my elderly or disabled Clients... but do I take care of those at home? I expect my parents to be able to handle their own shit. To not be needy. I wonder if they complain to their therapists about us... our distance, our putting our wants before their needs.

Of course it makes me question all the future things. Louise, my current therapist reminds me frequently I don't have control over anything, and that when I think I do, its simply a delusion. All that effort, better to put it into accepting the current situation and responding mindfully. She doesn't say it that way... but its funny how flippant she is when she says I don't actually have control... and part of me is like... but foresight!!! 

Sometimes in the little quiet moments, I miss students and clients of long ago. The ones that unexpectedly touched my heart. Wonder who they are and what they are up to these days. Time marches as they say. 

Last night I had this weird little longing for the Care Barista coffee shop in Fontabello in Guatemala City. Something about the combo or an americano and a pecan pie, and Courtney? and the safety of the bougie mall in a sea of chaos. I miss guatemala city. I liked who I got to be, even if I wasn't sure what that was or what I wanted it to be. I think I wrestled there... and I am not so much wrestling now. 

Maybe I am ready to put my own wrestling on hold to watch the development of others? of littles? I don't know. I have things I need to do, and when am I supposed to do that in a 9 hour work day that also asks me for another hour or two at night, and 4 on the weekend. This isn't sustainable when I recognize that. Maybe I need to do concurrent documentation, or open my own practice.

I miss Courtney. She doesn't need anything from me. I should write her. I miss Victoria too. She's reached out a few times. We haven't connected in a long while. I miss people from long ago. At the same time... I can't even remember everyone's names. Who was that? Who were they really?

I like to pretend I know, but as a certain Client loves to remind me... and she being both more sneaky and more honest in a way, than most, people allow us to see what we want to see, to believe what we want to believe. Shes better at it than most, and so we all project on her. 

Maybe thats all they all are... my projections... projections of the one regardless, like myself... we are all in the maya, eh? 

 Finding myself hungry. So I should probably walk home. 

End of summer

 It’s 2023 and I’m 39 years old. 

I am living with E, we are beginning our second year together in this home in south Minneapolis. 

I work at C—- and it’s mostly good. I enjoy my clients and I’m beginning to take on supervision of students in a few weeks. I recently went to a supervision training held by UMN social work department practicum staff and at the end they asked on the feedback paper if anyone was interested in being an adjunct. I checked yeah. A small likely unnoticed step. 

I’m looking forward to the new challenge of taking on supervisees. I’ve been tempted to look them up, and there is nothing saying I shouldn’t… but also I don’t want to pry. 

Boundaries are sometimes hard with clients, sometimes I feel like I need to be more of a coach or mentor, others times I feel like I need to self disclose more. Other times purely the old psychotherapist. Each client is their own relationship. Each brings out different parts of us. And likely it will be that way with supervision as well. 

I’m not entirely sure of all my roles and responsibilities. 

I am considering that my next professional step will be private practice. Or teaching. Or both. I am imagining this taking place next year, after my supervisees are done, and there is a summer lull, and have had time to set up the basics of a practice. Will it be with insurance? Or private pay? Will I do virtual sessions? How will I advertise and how long will it take to set the whole thing up?

Feels like a next step to ensure a somewhat stable future. Should provide a little more money and at least a bit of freedom. I like my employer, nothing bad to say about them, but I am receiving about 30% of the full amount of a session, and that’s kind of ridiculous. 

Lately I’ve had packed weeks. 30+ clients on my schedule. My ideal is more like 20-25. 5 a day sounds like a good life, though I know a lot of people who see 8. Holding that many stories means I’m not doing as good of a job of being present. 

My clients like me and I get good feedback. If I switched careers right now it would be a fascinating transition. 

What is the future? I feel like part of me is thinking hobby farm and survival protocols and part of me is thinking middle class family plan, and part of me is thinking south east Asia (or some other adventure).  

I haven’t thought much about teaching again, but I do miss it. I haven’t thought much about seriously writing again, but I miss that too. I miss going to coffee shops and getting lost in my own thoughts rather than other peoples worlds. 

We have things we would like to spend money on: trip to Alaska, health and beauty, a new computer and games, or longer term babies, a house. These are all the pros, but there is also student loans and bills, and the inflation in daily life. There is our future health concerns.

I’ve gotten out of shape, never lost that winter weight. My back aches and I am headed to physical therapy in a few weeks. I’m hoping that it is short and instructive, but I am worried about a life time of pain and how that will impact everything else. 

People are breaking bones (L) and having heart issues (G) and getting new places (B) and having babies (M). We’re all getting old and we’re all working through things. 

Sometimes E and I struggle over things that I feel are pretty ridiculous. But underneath is shame and guilt and skills never learned. People encourage me to do for her, to reassure her with commitment, but it brings up my own trust issues. 

I am not sure if my therapist is the right fit for me. I feel like she provides advice and smooths things over when I want to dwell and profess. I wonder if I do that to people too. Invalidate by believing they will get it. 

Often times I “know” but haven’t been able to accept it. M used to ply me with that kind of plastic response, and in my head I’d be saying “yeah, I already know, but what I want is for you to see me.” But she didn’t. 

Lately when I see a picture of her, I don’t have an emotional response, no big reactions, a lack of response… and it feels better and weird. It’s like emdr or something. I’m just like “oh” and then nothing. That was not true at PRIDE. I had a bigger reaction, but it was partially just HIDE!

I think I would like to travel next summer. At least a little bit. Don’t know what that means exactly, just that I have an itch. 

We are going to see Barbie for the second time today. I guess we will see if it’s good the second time. Might be kind of cheesy after the  initial social commentary. We might see Illy after. 

I think part of me feels very free today. I walked to spyhouse in the 85 and rising temp, and it was sunny and exciting. It felt like there were still opportunities left in life. Less beholden and more choosing these things. 

I was reading a book on selective mutism and it made me sad. How I wish I could share the possibilities and perspectives, how I wish it were easier to convince someone that their current circumstances are not the only path. 

Things change. Or at least there is the possibility. Pray for the positive ones. 

Unity of Being

 I’ve been listening to Ram Dass for months, read a few of his books years ago. I’ve read and heard about the Sufi concept of the unity of being etc.  

but last night as I struggled to sleep, I had a dream about embracing G-d in the form of an archetypal beggar, the downtrodden. There was a moment of recognition that this was not a fellow human in the material sense, but rather an illumined being, a golden glowing warmth, and when I embraced him, I knew this was G-d, and that all things were of G-d, and that nothing could be impure or wrong, because it was all perfect. And in that recognition, I could accept myself as the same… that I was not separate from this golden glow, that I was part of, and mobilized by this force. And in the moment of recognition that all including myself were G-d (“in drag” as Ram Dass likes to say) I suddenly felt no fear and could embrace suffering, there was no distance or other. And the thing only lasted a second or two, but it was so easily applied to all things that I felt charged to love with abandon. Nothing could be wrong. Nothing could be more right. Perfection called me to recognize it in all… and the momentary assuredness left my body first, and then my mind struggled to grasp to apply, and then that too fell away… but I wasn’t left wanting (or at least not that much) because I knew if it was all perfect, than this forgetting, this momentary distance, was also perfect. It can’t be any other way….   

I woke up somewhat tired and crabby, but it felt like such a turning point. At least for this little while. 

Turning

 

29/22 and 1/3/23

It is nearing the end of the year. I have a lot to reflect on.

This year has been tumultuous, inspiring, frustrating, traumatizing, hopeful, draining, difficult and unbalanced. I feel like the year is ending on a mixed note. This morning I was looking up enneagram type 9 w1, which is what I am pretty sure I am. I was looking specifically at the judgmental part -as I spent the better part of the night (when I should have been sleeping) feeling self-righteous and angry, trying to maintain the balance between hospitable (outward peace) and sane – (inward peace).

I found myself drained and crabby, but we were hosting E’s parents -who of course invited themselves to stay with us, and who also trigger the shit out of her. Not to mention she didn’t have any Adderrall this week, and we had a fight right before they showed up which we didn’t have a chance to repair.  We have a tiny place not suitable for multiple house guests, but her family doesn’t have boundaries like that… so overall -I felt imposed upon. E needed reassurance and I wasn’t really able to provide it.

I found myself in control mode: make sure everything goes well, deal with your feelings later. E kept asking me why I didn’t want to go to the guest bedroom to sleep on the twin bed, and I knew on some level it was because it scared me to let go. Because I didn’t feel I could be in control of myself, and that I would have to face my feelings if I went in there -with or without her.

So instead I spent 3-4 hours thinking/processing on the couch with her a few feet away struggling to sleep as well. It was hot, there are a lot of noises, there is the cat. But in general I was lost in my frustration.

I went from the judgmental/self righteous to the more open and giving, but I couldn’t always maintain that stance. My open heart is longing for armor. An hour spent on the imposition, the boundary violations, the psychology of it. An hour spent on the way I am forced into roles I did not choose, taking on emotions that are not necessarily mine, awkwardness and overwhelm, that I am some how attached to but did not bargain for.  An hour spent flipping the script on myself -why do I choose this? What is this doing for me? Why am I being judgmental etc., what is going on that I am so triggered? Where is my attachment and how do I reframe what is happening so that it feels less a burden and more a choice? An hour spent deep breathing, settling my heart, acknowledging the judgments are mine, my fears, my delusions, my ego and grandiosity at believing I have control and should have control over the universe, over her, over her family. Instead, asking for support from G-d, from the earth from the universe. Asking for opening and understanding -rather than pushing away.

 At some point in the 4+ hours I reached for her hand, and it felt good. Then she placed a second hand on mine and I wanted to pull away. Too much enmeshment. I want not to be lost in this.

At another point I breathed into my heart and found it was not as angry and hurt and frustrated as I believed it to be. Just afraid.

At another point I found myself realizing that my intellectualism is such a passion (?), that I place it above the other parts of me. I rationalize and justify. I get lost in the pursuit of thought/knowing and forget to look within, and certainly forget to cherish the gifts of others (setting myself above them).

Now I find myself at odds within myself. I think these things can be true and also that there can be boundaries and goals. Maybe my expectations are too rigid, or too high, but I don’t want to lose them completely. So how to find balance in an unbalanced world, and unbalanced system, an imbalanced self?

Relationships are difficult. Merging families and stories. Deciding on shared goals. Getting lost. Trying to support your relationship when you don’t feel capable. 

My ideals and expectations versus reality -

At the beginning of this year I saw some hope. I was planning on leaving my job and dreaming of future travels. I was seeing a therapist. And a friend a week. I was growing closer to E at work. I liked her charm, how she put her heart into everything, how she cared deeply, how she challenged inequity. I was wary of other things and still am. I had told her we shouldn’t be close because I had a desire to care for her. We began talking about Brene Brown and our values in work and life. And then decided to do a book club, that became a date, that became another date.

In such a short amount of time, she became center to my world.

It certainly wasn’t expected. I should acknowledge that all of my relationships seem to rush forward, but within a few months she was pregnant. We were tag teaming on some difficult situations at work, and the combination of expansion and overwhelm led to feeling close quickly. She had a dog at the beginning, and slowly recognized that he was too much to take care of and build a life. Things with work  kept getting worse. Suddenly we were spending each week at the hospital waiting to find out if the embryo was viable… uncertainty upon uncertainty. We grew closer through the push pull. Then it was becoming summer and I was close to leaving work. She lived with her sister and needed to prepare to leave the house because her mom wanted to sell it. I was ready to leave my apartment. We planned to move in together. We found a place, it felt like overnight we had secured a new home and time. And then we had to pack. Then we were moving. Then I was done with work. Then I was out of the country.

Late summer/fall: When I was back -we had to reconcile what living together really meant. How do we merge lives when we aren’t working together. I got a job quickly, but didn’t start for over a month, so my days were filled with sitting around while she stuck it out as long as she could retraumatizing herself at work. The last few weeks I could barely recognize her beyond the burnout. Then she was done, and suddenly it felt like she was back. We went to a wedding. I got invested in my job. We started having the kids stay over once a month. We hung out with each other’s families for little get togethers and then holidays. She started taking care of herself physically and emotionally. From what I could tell, she spent most of the day arranging and rearranging our apartment. At night I always cook dinner. We watch a lot of television together and shared podcasts and tiktoks. She got sort of stuck. We had to start having difficult conversations about stuff other than trauma and work; about money, about family, about future. Its all short sound bites in hindsight, but the ups and downs, the back and forth the certainty and uncertainty. Each episode could be a chapter in a book, but instead a sentence fragment. How did we get this far -given that we are so different -how has our life together come to be such a comforting routine.  

In a year she has gone from a coworker to my best friend and the person I look forward to seeing the most. And she wonders why I don’t rely on that as I predict the future, and instead worry about what could go wrong. Why not stay grounded in the feeling of hope, when prior I had so little?  And all I can say is experience and anxiety.

Its funny. I think about things like how the last few years I have felt so little engagement in the parts of my life outside of work. And how her mere presence makes life feel more exciting, easier. The future easier. But I am wary of discomfort and hardship… I like to plan things out, have back up plans, have a safety net, and she lives her life very nonchalant and impulsively at times and it scares me. Not all the time, but when it seems contrary to her stated goals or my stated desires…  I suppose.

Its not that I am not grateful for these traits as well, E is all heart and reminds me to check in with myself, my feelings, to listen deeper rather than rationalize every little thing. She invites me to shed my shame and self-judgment. She is very validating and her openness to vulnerability is inspiring. Its just hard to watch the backhalf, how these same traits get her into trouble.  I want to learn from her and lend her my forethought, but she isn’t always interested and often my reactions come off as judgmental.

The thing is I don’t actually want all the answers. I want to keep exploring with her. I know that we might fall off an edge somewhere some time, but I am not of the mind to run, its just that I have knowledge of what can go wrong.

Last night (new years eve) I scared her by acknowledging the truth which is she is ‘In’ more than I am. It isn’t because I am not in, I am certainly not planning on being out. I am just aware of things she hasn’t thought through. My wariness frightens her. She spent the day away. I miss her, but I am also glad she had some time away from me. That being said, by the end of the day I was reflecting about the time M and I had an argument and spent the day away from each other. How I returned ready to redouble my efforts, and how she responded that she had grieved our relationship and wasn’t sure. I assured her. I reassured her. But it turned out I was wrong. She was already falling for someone else, and my footnote in her story (if that) was written off. I spent the next couple years angry at her and myself, for jumping in too soon too much.

E would ask why I was comparing.   But does my heart know the difference between all these efforts to love?

I now write M off too quickly, I dwell on her narcistic traits instead of reminding myself that she isn’t all that. I grieve dreams that I had still, even while I forget the children’s names. Life is very weird this way.

It does as it will, but I am still obsessed with my little desire to control the course of this river.

 

Employment

This morning I decided that I need to make an alteration to my work situation. It should result in slightly more pay and more stability in my paychecks. Its odd to be beginning this journey and already seeing the downsides, but I am glad that I am seeing them and adjusting.

I am enjoying work. I started this position in late September and have already “ramped up.” In general I have 1-2 intakes a week because several of my clients have dropped off the radar or are switching to every other week. The positive of that is that I have more variety in my schedule and don’t get bored. The negative is that I am more stressed, constantly adding another person’s story to my already crowded mind.

I have clients aged 14-64. I have Clients with mental and physical health conditions. I have clients of different races, ethnicities, sexualities, genders, socioeconomic status, religious backgrounds. I have teens and couples. It is a good mix, but it can be draining. Some clients are dealing with normal stage of life issues (What do I do with myself now that I am retiring? What do I do with myself now that I am expected to be a grown up?). Other clients are working through complex trauma, struggling with communication issues, having difficulty getting out of bed or getting to work. Shame and guilt are ever present. So is grief and longing. So many people with unmet expectations, I dreamed a dream in time gone by…

And time goes by.

I find myself comparing the stories I hear at work frequently with my own life and relationships… the same mistakes, the same quandaries. I feel guilty for not texting friends back. I feel guilty for not knowing what to say.  I make the same missteps again and again. When I watch couple fall into these same traps I wish they could just see what they are doing and take a different step… but I make that step without seeing it as well. Its humbling. It also makes me happy to know that there are conversations I have had with E that some couples who have been together 20 years haven’t even broached. A good sign?

 

The day to day as we begin 2023;

I initially started writing this a few days ago, now I am at Spyhouse -trying I suppose to live out my old habits. I can’t necessarily concentrate on the things I thought I would write about. I have chopped up and edited the two days of writing, so perhaps they are different tones.

I don’t leave the house as much as I used to. No need to seek out social life when you’re happy nesting with a partner… but I think that needs to change for the sustainability. Beyond the relationship and feeling pretty secure- or on the right track with work, not much has changed except that I don’t see my friends very often anymore. I still walk with my Dad once a week when he is available.

I spend a lot of time with E’s  cat.

I play computer games about once a week. I rarely write, but I do continue to read books (both for work and fun). I don’t watch 4 hours of youtube, instead we watch an hour or two of tv/movies each night.

I make food more often with E around, but I am grateful every time she wants takeout.

Lately I find myself distracting too often. E introduced me to pokemon go, but I also have been playing games on my phone and computer games on the weekend. I probably need to be reading more, meditating more, grounding more, journaling more (difference in tone, no?). Seeing my friends. Investing in the future. I find it difficult to have the energy at the end of a long day (9 hours at work). I should probably start going out for lunch just to give myself a break, or to see friends if they have the hour open. I have to get into the sustainability mindset, not the beginner rush rush rush to get it done mindset. I have found it difficult to balance. I know I am not getting enough exercise or eating well. I know I am not paying enough attention to the spirit, though I ask for help every day in my work. I need to practice more meditation… more appreciation.  But there are tasks to get done and shows to watch.

How do I imbody abundance?  How do I connect with the ground-the sky? How do I remind myself that we are a blip in time. That my momentary attachments to ‘how it should or could be’ are not necessarily the path of the universe. That there are no wrong choices, as everything is a fork pronged to demonstrate the limitless creative power of G-d. How do I embrace love and vulnerability, rather than being driven by fear. How do I remind myself a thousand times a moment… and also accept that I won’t, can’t, and that that is also ok.  Human after all, beautiful none the less.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge everything based off the difficulties of the holiday season. I am wondering when the light at the end of the tunnel will be. The holidays went well… but with an underlying tension -and it broke through after the holidays were over. I don’t necessarily think its bad. I just think we have been borrowing time, and now we have to start engaging in life beyond the apartment.

I’d like to start going to the UU church again, but E wants something else. I’d like to meditate and get rid of about half our junk… The office feels cramped all the time. Its hard to have two people’s lives merged into one space. The bedroom feels nice. More open. The living room and dining room alternate between functional and crowded.

 

I guess more later?