Reading the Naked Now, and listening to Oprah and Eckhart Tolle talk about A New Earth, and all the other jazz discussing the importance of presence. Not allowing the mind or the ego to run the show, but being in the moment, feeling the feels, embodying the body, experiencing what is and not what could be or what should be or what you think might be and so on and on.
I have been home for a few weeks. Nearly three though it already feels longer. The first weekend we went to Wisconsin for E’s father’s retirement. The first week I applied to jobs and the second had interviews. I have chosen a new company, filling out all the preliminary paperwork a little a day. I have insurance BS to deal with. I have a few hankering tasks that pop up, but mostly I am at rest for the next month (start date Sept 19th). We will go up north at the beginning of Sept. We will probably have a few random things, maybe go to the renaissance festival. In Oct go to Lake Tahoe for Cari and Hector’s wedding. In the mean time I will catch up on my list of shows to watch: Umbrella Academy, Sandman, foundation, the new game of thrones spin off, etc. I will read a few books. I will do some writing. I will wrestle with the little tasks of modern life –changing email passwords and being annoyed with the state of the world.
Can I be present in this time? Can I learn to see without my mind taking over?
This past weekend E and I had an event. She and her sister went to a concert. She got drunk, maybe even had her drink spiked, she hit her head and had to get stitches. She became someone else for a while. We’ve talked over it, and her sister has shared her concerns of just how different she seemed. But underlying was trauma. And it made me very aware that trauma can disrupt a relationship easily. And her trauma of course triggered my experiences of traumatic situations, and my desire to label and judge to protect myself kicked on fully. I can rationalize and categorize all day long and be convincing. I am probably right, but right means there is a wrong, and that doesn’t make a relationship. Can I be present with myself, can I trust her to be present with herself? Can I support her in that without expecting or judging too much?
I’ve often had this question in my heart, mind, soul of what makes change?
E tries so hard to be with people, to match them in their emotional state, to show them its ok –without judgment. She is all heart. It is validating and comforting, and compelling. I am a better person when she is able to do this, it makes it easier to be a better person. But she loses herself easily in these things, is consumed by the drama of other people when they won’t take the moment of presence she offers and take responsibility for it. She has half the equation right. I am sure that is the right approach for children. She finds herself surrounded by people who then take advantage of her, who don’t accept accountability, and then resents them. It is the caretaker role. I know that role. I experienced it a bit this weekend – felt my desire to support and comfort be twisted and mangled into resentment.
On the flipside, the intellectual pursuit, the perfect strategy, the actions that create structural change? Distance in the heart, but action of the mind and body. Action. Revolution. Because of course, many inner truths cannot be recognized or realized in a state of external disregard. A person who is seen as lesser cannot change the heart of a person who is unwilling to recognize their humanity. Systems determined to maintain power do not respect the soul or the common good. The sage wrapped in gold, is another ego trap.
Of course it isn’t one or the other, but I found myself so often in Spirit of Truth considering Grant’s externalizing of the issue and thus a remedy an action. When so clearly, many of the issues we were facing were an internal battle. Create the external conditions for change without changing the internal and you have a new system that will replicate the old. Create the conditions for internal change without actualizing the external and you will have a deeper façade to crack, a new layer of self-righteous paint.
I find Grant and E’s Dad and my Mom’s beliefs somewhat limiting. It often feels like an important step but not the whole. My mom believes in a compassionate G-d, but a compassionate G-d allows humans to make the world hell. Where is the larger wisdom? G-d allows us to come to him, crawling, pleading, broken through our suffering. G-d beams a light of love, shares the comfort, but then allows us to withdraw… choice. And in the choice there is not choice, each new thing created brings about the opportunity for growth or more suffering. Is that choice?
Choose life or choose hell. This is my inner truth revealed, I can hate G-d or I can love G-d but either way I am known and know too well.
But back to the question, is it better to act upon the world in an external fashion, or to spend your energy pressing upon the inside, or rather learning to sit and accept what comes, be grateful for the opportunity EG try not to ask “why is the world doing this to me? But rather why is the world offering me this?” or some variation. What gift is the world offering me through this suffering, this hell, how can I use it to learn and grow?
I find myself more and more falling firmly in the camp of intrapersonal change, or micro level interpersonal change, rather than the macro. Maybe the introvert in me wins, but I am very cynical about the lack of growth brought about by the larger changes in society. When it is so apparent, and people do not change or grow, then what can we do with that? How many people must die must suffer, before we accept that we can do better?
And what does it mean for me personally, in my own life, where I avoid connection with others. Where I feel a strong sense of purpose, and get meaning out of so much, but the connection with others feels fraught, maybe they will challenge my peace? Was it really peace then? What does it mean that I conserve, withdraw, do not invite challenge or agitation into my life. Or is it simply a matter of time and place? I have had meaningful connections and relationships, but there are times when they are not for me. I may love Gabi or Victoria but do I need them in my life right now? Am I to learn and grow from them right now? Or is it better that they experience and enjoy their own sense of self, act in the world of their own accord, their soul’s contract?
I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I am shut down and shut out. Sometimes I feel like I am in wait. A temporary retreat, but not a bad thing. Just biding my time.
The other day I told E, yes, it was a dramatic incident, a memorable one, but is that bad? I am not sure I believe it –obviously, but don’t I spend weekend after weekend without memorable content? 90% of my days fall into this category, a giant melt, so heres a challenge, a puzzle, a moment of stormy content amongst a calm sea. Do I have to attach such judgments to it? Couldn’t I attach some positive story instead of a negative one? Couldn’t I say, there was that one moment of opportunity that summer, where we recognized things that held us back, and we chose to grow? Can I do that without attaching an additional weight of judgment? If you choose not to grow, it will come around again, it’s a truth a certainty, and a judgment (be strong enough to choose “right”). I dunno. No way out of this trap… Accept what is. Maybe we aren’t ready when the moment shows us, maybe we need time to ruminate. Maybe the universe will offer us a different step soon enough.
How will I spend this life?
I am excited to start working, though there is some dread as well. The machinations of work, the toil imbedded. No golden paths. All a bit tarnished, all a bit sand paper. Things to slow us down and make us think. Things to slow us down and experience the moment? Little untidy layers that can hinder or support in growth, and to each their own. It’s kind of miraculous.
But I am looking forward to purpose and meaning, to supporting people in their own journeys.
I have these fears of making the “wrong” choice. It’s funny. It’s like I think there is one path instead of infinite paths. One little bit of karma will keep me here, but why should I be embarrassed or scared of that. Couldn’t I enjoy that one little bit of karma and its polarity? Couldn’t each step on the path, winding or not, be a good step? Forward and back, side to side, up, down, it’s all the dance. What if it’s not a race to get to the finish line, but a dance to enjoy along the way. Maybe those who stay confused the longest are “winning” the dance competition? A life free of drama does not necessarily create a meaningful or exciting or joyful or even peaceful life of presence. How to remain curious, to breathe in, to recognize, to enjoy the colors. I am not pressing myself against the glass trying to get to other side…
So what then? A new haircut? A glamour shot? Writing a book? A vacation? A new home? A dozen children? An orphanage? A houseless roommate housed? What dance steps along the path…
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