waves

 

I've been sort of overwhelmed by the universal principle of balance, of give and take, the tao if you will. Overwhelmed, or awed, either way, it impresses and drags on me. 

I meet with parents who have spent their entire time of parenting trying to save their child from A, only to find that their child has found their way to it, some back door they hadn't considered, and worse, of course the child blames them. I thought we were providing stability and security so that they could feel free, but now they make impulsive rebellious decisions and can't take responsibility for their actions (because the parents jumped in to save them). Or, we provided freedom and choice, and reassurance so that they didn't feel weighted down by the baggage our parents put on us, and now they can't make decisions because they are so overwhelmed with disappointing us, or making the wrong decision...   and its hilarious, and tragic, and perfectly predictable. And I work with the kids who make these horrible decisions and feel totally justified, or totally ashamed of themselves, and either way, I just want to step in and say 'yeah, that's normal... what do you want to do next?' but they of course aren't nearly 40 years old, so they feel totally overwhelmed and can't figure out how to get themselves out of the muck. 

And me, I am no different. I have been wrestling with telling my therapist about my paraphilia, an issue of course because it causes me so much anxiety and shame, and causes me to sneak and manipulate, and if it didn't, it'd just be a kink and not cause for concern... but its also just a symptom of the other thing, the wave that pushes forward also rescinds of course... so would it be a thing at all if I hadn't been a little concrete obsessive kid, afraid of sinning and dirtiness, and being rejected (bad), and afraid of being neglected (so be good)?  I created my great sin, by calling it taboo, by putting it off limits, and so the thing I wished to never be, became the shadow monster that I shackled to my ankle, it's weight always miring the progress I believe I've made. The shadow has to be integrated. So I go to therapy, but worry about being rejected, misunderstood, judged.

A few weeks ago, tiptoeing around the issue, my therapist asked me to visualize it in toys -we used the example of my childhood obsession with castles, so of course I chose a lego castle, a knight, a "criminal," a dragon. There didn't need to be anyone else, they were all playing roles. The knight was armored and good. He played the role, he didn't judge, just saw them in their roles and knew that they needed to be. He is wise, and he is exhausted with being good. The criminal, sneaking around trying to get his needs met, but oh, he is also charming and funny, and creative and a critical thinker. He has to be. She asked what they would each want. The charmer wants to be an entertainer, to charm, to make people happy. He wants to turn those gifts into a way of teaching, through laughter and smiles, he is a jester, but he is in on the joke. The knight I said, just wants to retire. What would he do? she asked, I said travel, enjoy everything, smile and be present. He is just sick of keeping up the armor, the act. He wants to be in relationship and just appreciate everything, enjoy the sense of awe as he sees everything is in its right place... the dragon?  The knight knows that the dragon is a Dragon, if you let it go it might burn down the local town, or it might just fly through the sky. Either would be its nature, and so we lock it up. What does it want?  Someone to enjoy that it is a dragon. It just wants to be a dragon...

Which is you? all of them, all are me, all the time, and the setting too. The castle is beautiful, but cold, its admirable, a thing to behold but rigid, uninviting, uncomfortable. No one wants to live there. It's lonely. 

I am reading Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity" and considering these waves... oh my attempts to be good, trustworthy, compassionate, kind, attentive, how they backfire. How people become comfortable with me as a friend as someone grounding, and lose interest in me as anything more. How when I spring my dragon on them, they are turned away in fear because its not a dragon they wanted, and certainly not what I told them I was...  

Another side effect is that it makes me replay and want to investigate my past relationships, which just causes more dwelling. Not sure that rereading old emails is a good choice, not sure I will find new answers in old places. 

Anyway... the point is that understanding any of this -doesn't alleviate. It is what it is. I can free the dragon, watch the castle crumble, take off the armor, tell the jokes and do some prancing... but without these roles?  Who knows... not me. 

I can argue all the beautiful things this pattern of waves creates... but as inspiring and amazing as samsara can be, it is also a pain in the ass. By design. By design. 

Considering traveling again. Maybe do a few months in Europe this summer. Quit my job, figure something out with the apartment and bills... roam the paths I haven't roamed before and a few I have with different eyes. I will be 38 (my Dad forgot today). 20 years since my first solo backpacking trip. Have I changed? Have I grown? Have I become more wise or more stupid?

There is part of me that is excited by the idea of this trip and another part that is kind of cringing at it.... how many times will I flee alone? Do I still need these things? Will they provide me anything I am actually looking for, or just more pretty distractions? another bragging right... 

Not sure. Other options... take a class, move somewhere (a different kind of adventure), get a new job, start a business, get back to writing, etc. 

Anything could change in a second. 

One of the wave things I sometimes fantasize about is the idea that my self sufficiency might have to get dramatically challenged, like a hospital visit, and in recovery that would give me a new perspective. 

But it doesn't have to be so hard... we could just all choose better and recognize the consequences are coming...