Will this be the last post of the year?

I started writing this a few days ago, Christmas Day. But the weekend was this super lonely numbing experience, and I was all existential in my head, and all desperate for distraction in my body. 

This morning I went into work and had a hard time shaking it. Looking around at the walls, and the office, and the people, I had this feeling like none of it mattered all that much. like I was ready to walk away at any time. I sat with my coworkers for a few trainings, felt a little more like I was part of something. But not really. I am kind of hoping that the clinical trainee I am training in becomes my replacement. Not because she is exceptionally good or anything, but because at least she'd be familiar with the kids, the routine, the space. 

I wrote the green and the blue on Christmas, the rest tonight. Back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Aggression and sexuality / masculine energy / lust for life

One of the things I've been thinking I need to bring up in therapy is being supported by a number of conversations and books I have read lately, namely, that due to the shame I have felt in my life, I downplay my aggression and sexuality. Simply put, I am afraid of them as they have led to consequences I don't like... also, the jobs that I have taken, require a high degree of trust in me as a person, and that I won't take advantage of or make people uncomfortable... these roles have traditionally been performed by women (teachers/counselors/caretaker roles), and so suppressing some of those masculine traits is kind of par for the course. So for most of my life I have been downplaying these traits... sometimes this behavior has led me to act out in other ways. And so, when I think of the shadow work I need to do, it's basically to reclaim my masculine traits. I am not sure how to do that. Not sure how it would play out in relationships or at work. Some folks look to my leadership or my knowledge and suggest if I were more action oriented I'd be more successful and others would benefit as well. 

How this suppression has actually played out in my life is that I have very little passion -have in fact pursued a path in which I don't seek out excitement or drama, don't try to conquer or grab for power, don't jump to the things that seem to bring joy. Don't claim anything. Don't seek out. Maybe that is the wisdom of recognizing that those things are temporary highs. Grabbing and reaching will inevitably lead to disappointment/decline. Or maybe it's because I have lost the lust for life, have not invested in that masculine energy. Have just accepted that mellowness that melancholy. 

I've noticed that I continue to have some passion for work, and enjoy things still... the little beauties, the awe, the gratitude and joy. But not the lust for life, for thriving, for succeeding.  

I've always comforted myself with saying that it is a wiser path, a soulful path. But what is my human body and ego supposed to do with that except to decline? I need to invest in something that is both for myself and bigger than myself. 

Of course, maybe this is also because my attempts to reach have left me devastated. Maybe the Covid world and the decline of the American empire echoes what I am experiencing...but other people don't seem to have this issue. Or at least have people around to commiserate with? I am not different, just haven't found my group to complain to. 

Lonely Christmas

I am sitting at home alone. I have seen some family and will see some more in an hour or so... but ultimately its been a very low key Christmas. No magic. Some folks have Covid in the family. But I have also turned down offers to spend more time with folks, friends, family etc. I am limiting my time with people because when I am around them I am so aware of what is lacking... What am I contributing?  Where is the carrying on?  In most ways, its just the lack of relationship and no kids, but also just the thing of like -what is this leading to? is there a goal here?  

I have been silly and spending too much time on social media, and the fomo is real. I see lots of beautiful photos of folks who look happy. And it makes me question why I am alone. Why I don't look forward to seeing my friends, or family during the holiday. It just sucks. 

But it's harder to stay present with the feelings. I want to escape. I might even take an edible tonight and  eat some pie. Social media, something to fill the space please???

What would you like this time next year?

brainstorm:

It is a broken record, in a lot of ways it is more like, what are you willing to change?

Travel. New job. New place. new friends. new hang out or a social hobby. new partner. spiritual practice  -maybe I need some kundalini. A creative project to complete (poems, stories, art, video), a place to perform. a space to be. I dunno... 

I'd like to attend a holiday without feeling like I've fallen behind, to feel proud to celebrate, to want to be amongst the gathered. 

Changes for the new year?

bbccbvbcvbcv

I have been getting frustrated with my body, the lack of exercise, the aches and pains, the sag of 10 or 20 extra pounds. I could probably do something with that. 

I continue to avoid returning to the UU church. Even though I liked it, I didn't find a home there. I didn't really make new friends or find a partner. I found a congregation to cry amongst and a few good conversations, I found dreams but not steps. 

I dunno... I dunno. I dunno. 

I watch so many movies and tv shows and the drama of connection and disconnection, the heart break and the repair, the promised joining. I want to be in love again. 

waves

 

I've been sort of overwhelmed by the universal principle of balance, of give and take, the tao if you will. Overwhelmed, or awed, either way, it impresses and drags on me. 

I meet with parents who have spent their entire time of parenting trying to save their child from A, only to find that their child has found their way to it, some back door they hadn't considered, and worse, of course the child blames them. I thought we were providing stability and security so that they could feel free, but now they make impulsive rebellious decisions and can't take responsibility for their actions (because the parents jumped in to save them). Or, we provided freedom and choice, and reassurance so that they didn't feel weighted down by the baggage our parents put on us, and now they can't make decisions because they are so overwhelmed with disappointing us, or making the wrong decision...   and its hilarious, and tragic, and perfectly predictable. And I work with the kids who make these horrible decisions and feel totally justified, or totally ashamed of themselves, and either way, I just want to step in and say 'yeah, that's normal... what do you want to do next?' but they of course aren't nearly 40 years old, so they feel totally overwhelmed and can't figure out how to get themselves out of the muck. 

And me, I am no different. I have been wrestling with telling my therapist about my paraphilia, an issue of course because it causes me so much anxiety and shame, and causes me to sneak and manipulate, and if it didn't, it'd just be a kink and not cause for concern... but its also just a symptom of the other thing, the wave that pushes forward also rescinds of course... so would it be a thing at all if I hadn't been a little concrete obsessive kid, afraid of sinning and dirtiness, and being rejected (bad), and afraid of being neglected (so be good)?  I created my great sin, by calling it taboo, by putting it off limits, and so the thing I wished to never be, became the shadow monster that I shackled to my ankle, it's weight always miring the progress I believe I've made. The shadow has to be integrated. So I go to therapy, but worry about being rejected, misunderstood, judged.

A few weeks ago, tiptoeing around the issue, my therapist asked me to visualize it in toys -we used the example of my childhood obsession with castles, so of course I chose a lego castle, a knight, a "criminal," a dragon. There didn't need to be anyone else, they were all playing roles. The knight was armored and good. He played the role, he didn't judge, just saw them in their roles and knew that they needed to be. He is wise, and he is exhausted with being good. The criminal, sneaking around trying to get his needs met, but oh, he is also charming and funny, and creative and a critical thinker. He has to be. She asked what they would each want. The charmer wants to be an entertainer, to charm, to make people happy. He wants to turn those gifts into a way of teaching, through laughter and smiles, he is a jester, but he is in on the joke. The knight I said, just wants to retire. What would he do? she asked, I said travel, enjoy everything, smile and be present. He is just sick of keeping up the armor, the act. He wants to be in relationship and just appreciate everything, enjoy the sense of awe as he sees everything is in its right place... the dragon?  The knight knows that the dragon is a Dragon, if you let it go it might burn down the local town, or it might just fly through the sky. Either would be its nature, and so we lock it up. What does it want?  Someone to enjoy that it is a dragon. It just wants to be a dragon...

Which is you? all of them, all are me, all the time, and the setting too. The castle is beautiful, but cold, its admirable, a thing to behold but rigid, uninviting, uncomfortable. No one wants to live there. It's lonely. 

I am reading Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity" and considering these waves... oh my attempts to be good, trustworthy, compassionate, kind, attentive, how they backfire. How people become comfortable with me as a friend as someone grounding, and lose interest in me as anything more. How when I spring my dragon on them, they are turned away in fear because its not a dragon they wanted, and certainly not what I told them I was...  

Another side effect is that it makes me replay and want to investigate my past relationships, which just causes more dwelling. Not sure that rereading old emails is a good choice, not sure I will find new answers in old places. 

Anyway... the point is that understanding any of this -doesn't alleviate. It is what it is. I can free the dragon, watch the castle crumble, take off the armor, tell the jokes and do some prancing... but without these roles?  Who knows... not me. 

I can argue all the beautiful things this pattern of waves creates... but as inspiring and amazing as samsara can be, it is also a pain in the ass. By design. By design. 

Considering traveling again. Maybe do a few months in Europe this summer. Quit my job, figure something out with the apartment and bills... roam the paths I haven't roamed before and a few I have with different eyes. I will be 38 (my Dad forgot today). 20 years since my first solo backpacking trip. Have I changed? Have I grown? Have I become more wise or more stupid?

There is part of me that is excited by the idea of this trip and another part that is kind of cringing at it.... how many times will I flee alone? Do I still need these things? Will they provide me anything I am actually looking for, or just more pretty distractions? another bragging right... 

Not sure. Other options... take a class, move somewhere (a different kind of adventure), get a new job, start a business, get back to writing, etc. 

Anything could change in a second. 

One of the wave things I sometimes fantasize about is the idea that my self sufficiency might have to get dramatically challenged, like a hospital visit, and in recovery that would give me a new perspective. 

But it doesn't have to be so hard... we could just all choose better and recognize the consequences are coming...