Ecstasy, maya, and the swamp

At the recommendation of my supervisor, who keeps pointing out that something is missing from my energetic field,  I started reading the book Autobiography of a Yogi. I started the first chapter and began to cry within a few pages. Something clicked, albeit momentarily, and I felt like I was back on the right path. Elements of the book remind me of Secrets of the Talking Jaguar, which had a similar impact on me despite my cynicism. A commonality between the books is that there is somewhat of a predestined path that one can move in and out of alignment with, and that when on the path things whether joyful or sorrow-filled make sense, and that when off it, things feel incomplete. This is something that has resonated with me for a long time. Like my little kid self felt that way, and I have always found myself trying to get into alignment and then finding that discomfort when off the path. Oddly though, the discomfort away from the path has changed, or rather the shame and guilt of it have shifted. It used to be that when I was off the path I felt ashamed, literally I held myself in a state of fear, strongly believing I was deserving of punishment. Now I find that I have come to understand that the veering is the punishment in itself. Disconnection from G-d, is hellish, there doesn't need to be a punishment beyond that, and these feelings of disconnect and discontent are enough to push me towards seeking the path again. And I do, in fits. A jump and then a fall back. 

The book describes the man's early life in a series of similar realizations, each time he is uncomfortable he finds some meaning in it, and each time he is on the path, some miracle happens that reminds him he is headed in the right direction. 

It's odd to me how many times I have experienced this, and still hang in doubt, still return to my worldly ways. I am a human after all, and my human nature is soooo captivating. 

When I was in India a man told me that I would return in one year. He also said that if I told anyone I would have 7 years bad luck... I am not sure if the luck was bad, but I also did not return. Still, I have this desire, like the writers to be plucked from the crowd by the mentor, the guru that will steer me in the right direction. Maybe I need to go on a genuine pilgrimage. No more of this sightseeing. A walkabout, but to seek vision. 

In the autobiography, he talks about what it feels like to learn from wise teachers that are not quite right for him. I feel I run into this a lot. I learn eagerly, and am grateful for the experiences, but never quite trusting. The Sufi center, the shamanic journeying class, the reiki class, the UU church. I take steps, but I am still waiting on the thing that feels right. Similarly, there was a woman in my dreams for like 5 years that I kept assuming I would meet, and just stop in my tracks and be like "Oh, hey, you're it." and presumably she would do the same. What is funny is that they weren't always pleasant dreams, in many cases we were undeniably attached but also in conflict, the kind of partners that love and lose and love and lose, over and over. Still I waited. Still I compared each next person to that face in my dreams. It is pretty much  the reason I stopped being attracted to blonds, there was this moment of like "that will never be her" and though I may still be attracted to beauty, the idea of finding love there seemed ridiculous to me. 

What a weird thing to acknowledge. It feels utterly ridiculous to me... to assume I can have love off the path. And that being said, my relationship with M was always complicated with this thought. With Jesse, even though I love her, I never really assumed she was someone I would stay with forever. With M, everything told me NO except the overwhelming desire to be in her presence. There is this meme that gets sent around about how when you find 'the one' it won't be someone who sets your heart racing, it will be someone who is comforting and feels like home. M set my heart racing. She set me adrift. I steadied myself daily to not be entirely swept away, and even so, I was lost...   My foresight said NO... I didn't listen. My heart is still yearning only now it is complicated by toxicity. 

I have been feeling less and less of this divine intervention, asking for it more and more. I do believe my supervisor was supposed to guide me this way, to be a blessing in my life. When she is right, she is right, and when she is wrong it is easy for me to let it go. She asks me to do things she knows I am capable of, and does so without guilting, knowing I am afraid. She names things that are true of me, even if I can't always hold that truth myself. Sometimes people see these things in me, and I am afraid they will use it against me, they will try to manipulate me into serving their needs. Thats what I started feeling with my last therapist, so I quit. Though she doesn't know the whole story, my supervisor wonders if that is what my parents ended up doing, and whether I consented to this contract before I was fully aware of the costs, made it my personality, etc... "It wasn't your choice." she reminds me, and I remind her that I am now conscious and continue to make it. 

But again, I often question if I was given a choice, not by my parents but by G-d. You can be a teacher, a counselor or a pastor.  I am a healer, these professions display the scope. Even when I think about writing or creating artwork, it is only to do this same work. I am not creating because I love creating, I am creating to express and heal my inner truths and ignite others to do the same. It is all healing. Thus when I do the things that do not feel healing (hurting people, being mean, speaking untruths, etc.,) I hold on to these sins, because they are abhorrent to my dharma. And what is the purpose of this healing? To show proof of the divine, to remind people of the truth. There is no one like G-d despite the momentary forgetfulness, there is no other path. 

My name is so funny. So fitting. Which came first do you think?

So it was yesterday, I was crying at a coffee shop, moving in and out of meditative states, enamored of G-d. I went for a walk, and felt that ecstatic bliss I have experienced before, the drunkenness of seeing G-d's creation, illuminating, pointing back, overwhelming in every single way. It was sprinkling, the warm air was thick with humidity, and in small moments I could see all the energy of the universe of every thing, tree, and leaf, and lake, and concrete, like the matrix revealing itself, and it would make me smile, or laugh, or become giddy, or cry in joy and awe, and then moments later I'd be doubled over in suffering, grief, pain, in the recognition of that greater reality, that these things are not separate -that joy and suffering are one, that they are inspired and planned, and miraculous. G-d would remind me that it is all.  I would look at the people passing me, or talking and be aware of just how silly are humanness is, sacred, but hilarious, and I would see people's souls and everything was in it's right place, and then I'd look down at a dog and suddenly be overwhelmed, recognizing the history and vibrancy of each individual soul. I'd be knocked on my ass, like someone had pushed me. One moment dancing light as a feather, the next a train wreck. And I'd ask G-d to be with me, and work through me, and steady me... and it would happen... minutes, or hours, I don't know how long the drunkenness had me, but suddenly a bird called out, flew from branch to branch to get closer, and I was afraid it would peck me. Go after me. Then another. And the illusion returned with my fears. I was back to this life. Hungry. Having to pee. Tired. I was shocked by the difference. The infinite endlessness abundance of awe, had returned to the scarce concrete. And I walked home wondering if it were sustainable... and whether I would even want that? 

Some part of me is so attracted to the human mundane, the profane, the intolerable. It is funny how so many therapists and healers are attracted to the worst in humanity. It's like we know on a deeper subconscious level that there really isn't any difference between the consecrating and the desecrating, that on some level they are both the human's way of seeking. 

I am too often reminded of my paraphilia. Since I was a child, as early as I remember these visions of the sacred, I also am reminded that I had desires for the debased. I wonder aloud these days if my OCD traits are immersed with this dualism. 

So I went home yesterday having had this mystical experience, and then did nothing all night to further these flights. Did nothing to honor or hone, nothing to practice... I avoided meditation, flung myself into the opposite, sought carnal pleasure, hedonism. 

The experiences remind me over and over that I am drawn and afraid. I want to dedicate myself to the heavenly, but I want to experience the earthly soil too. Cling and fantasy. 

What next? 

what is left

 

It's a Monday. It felt like a Monday today. A bit colder than its been. We had the first day of summer school. Half the kids don't want to be there. Half the staff maybe too. I was frustrated because the things I have been complaining about for weeks suddenly became apparent to the people I have been trying to forewarn. That people aren't prepared or planning ahead is one of my biggest gripes with day treatment, and it makes me not plan ahead, not rise to the occasion. Whats the point of investing if things don't get addressed? If everything is always gonna be half assed, then why try to strive. 

And on the flip side, how to hold the kids accountable. Ok, you don't want to be here, but your attitude is bringing others down and you are responsible for that choice. 

I've been listening to In the Heights a lot since I saw the movie the other night. I am one of those late to the game fanboys. But I like the musical version even better, slightly more complex and human. I listened to it 3 times yesterday at the airport in Boston. My flight was delayed. I watched the crowd gather and listened. 

Boston was good. I spent three days walking around Boston and Cambridge. People have asked what the best part was: people watching/street performers, the aquarium (though I am realizing I never go to the zoo or aquariums here), just the novelty of seeing new things. Spending the day trying to appreciate. I didn't have deep thoughts, I didn't have any revelations, I just took in a new space and reflected on it, noticed patterns, and made connections, and then kept walking until I found another new thing to think about. 

I enjoyed the days a lot. It was exciting, and there was always more stuff to see, to experience. I didn't listen to music or drown out the sensory, I tried to take it in. It got hot, I got burned. I ate a lot of treats, drank too much coffee and spent too much money, but it was good. At least during the days. 

At night I was lonely. At night I was reminded that there was a world outside my hostel of people socializing, finding their community of friends and family. I could hear them at night. I could hear the crowds and the conversations. I could see the couples holding hands. The families taking vacations together. And I was reminded that running away, traveling alone, etc. won't make me happier. It fulfills that desire for novelty, exposes me to "new" things that are really the same as the others (or will be over time). No, what I want won't be found in running to new cities and praying for a chance encounter. 

I talked to a few folks, but mostly my time was spent alone. It's still Covid after all and the hostel had restrictions. A guy on the plane asked me about my travels and I found I couldn't shut up. It was funny to be the one answering questions. That was the flight there, on the way back no one talked to me. 

I had supervision again today, and found I had very little to say at first.  We strayed along the line of therapy. She said I probably attract people who don't want to put in effort, because I don't require a lot (or rather I think I do, but the reality is that I don't), I am willing to put up with, will find ways to do the work, to appreciate. She also said I carry an energy of death, of detachment (the wrong kind of buddhism), and wondered how I came to believe I was so alone, living scarcely, when I am undoubtedly surrounded by abundance, of people who love and even like me- and she said it must be true or I wouldn't be as healthy as I appear to be. She said all of this in a non shaming way, it felt accurate. It made me wonder if she is a reader of this blog. That energy of death is something I think I've been feeling and writing about for a long time. Its the thing I am constantly pushing against, trying to appreciate, trying to find peace in, questioning, and reconciling with. 

I know I have written this before, but it keeps making me wonder if I am dying, and also if I need to have some sort of near death experience to go back to appreciating life. Like to ask for a deeper sort of help. To draw people back into community with me, rather than the "I'm fine. Thanks for the ride to the airport"  routine I seem to be a part of. But it is odd, because I do actually really appreciate the people in my life, I just don't know how to connect sometimes. Don't know how to feel part of it. 

I think touch is probably one of the biggest things. I don't touch people and people don't touch me. When I was younger I was afraid people would hurt me. Later I became afraid I would hurt other people. I think about this a lot with my niece and nephew. That I don't really trust myself around them and for no reason. Touch is essential, but I have it with very few people. 90% of the deepest connections I have had with people came from offers of touch. Lex offering people foot rubs (or hand rubs for those of us who were shy), I was astounded by how meaningful that could be. In my relationship with M, touch felt very one way. That was part of what cued me to her not being all in. That she didn't go out of her way to touch me. Maybe that's just not her love language. She appreciated being touched, so I did so. But she didn't offer. She made food for me, bought gifts I didn't really need. But the things I actually wanted, she struggled with and I denied myself that it was a big deal.  Touch equals vulnerability, and so many people in my life are vulnerable with me in other ways (emotionally-communication) that it feels like too much to be vulnerable in a physical way too. 

I really do have a lot of hang ups around bodily experiences. 

When I was in Boston and a little bit before, I kept thinking about the times I have been in a group of people and the feeling that I didn't fit, that I was faking it, or trying to fit. That I was nervous the entire time and couldn't quite enjoy the moment for what it was. And I don't know if this is true, or just the meaning I make of the situation. Certainly I have had millions of experiences where I felt close and felt like I fit. But I was thinking about the situations that I was seeing, and whether I was actually envious. Dinner on the town. Shopping with friends. I would appreciate these things, but almost from the outside, appreciate that they appreciated it. EG Do I actually like going out to a fancy dinner? No, but would I want to see others appreciate it? Yes. Would I feel like I don't fit? Yes, because I don't like the food and would feel rude. But if I was with people who didn't care? I'd enjoy it. Same with shopping. Do I actually want to buy any of the bullshit? No, do I shop and appreciate window shopping and browsing, yes (for a time). Do I appreciate that other people appreciate it? Yeah, especially if I love them. 

In Charlestown I was walking around, exhausted at this point I was doing the last thing on my list, and saw a church. I hadn't really gone inside any of the churches on the trip. I walked into this one, and from the moment I stepped in I felt awe. Felt like the aesthetic was so rich, so inspiring, and I basically wanted to cry from the beauty of it. I looked up the church St Mary's but the pictures don't do the experience justice. When I left the church, I was surprised how I'd had this moment of elation, and that things could shift so easily. I was in and out of the church in a minute. I knew I couldn't maintain the level of emotionality, so I left. I didn't want it to fade, I didn't want my intrusive thoughts to take over, I just wanted to be sad/joyful and then move on. It was like the beauty of the place grabbed my heart, and then just let go. And that was what I needed. 

The supervisor suggested EMDR. She suggested some sort of spiritual shamanic path -Soul retrieval kind of thing. No more talk therapy. She isn't sure any of it will actually be helpful because I know already, I just don't believe. She asked me what white people do, which is part of the problem right?  We go on vacation and consume other people's stuff. Maybe I need to head back to South America for an ayahuasca ceremony. 

(Though I may not be a fan of dogs) A soul is a soul. 

The Boston trip made me worried that my plan of quitting in a year and going on 5-6 week trip is really silly. I've already seen and done these things. I don't need to keep doing them, even if its good to have a few days now and then. What I need is connection, and that isn't gonna come from leaving. 

Things left undone

I need to take the garbage out and turn off the air conditioner. 

Tomorrow morning I am going to Boston. Felt like trying something new. 

To be honest, part of me needed to do something because I took a few days off work, and I kept finding myself looking at M's social media in which she and her dude are happily traveling together and every time I see an update I have a brief souring moment of grief because inevitably I had been dreaming of doing that thing with her. New apartment. New trip. New shopping spree. Meeting the family. On and on. So I needed to remind myself there was a world, and that I can have my own adventures. 

It was hard to work this week. No students, and a skeleton crew of staff, most untrained, so it meant telling them what their jobs would be... and me, trying to avoid my own work. People rearranged offices and decorated. It was fun, but I also feel like we had a week off and none of us are prepared for summer programming next week. Almost fully staffed, but still behind. 

I need to fill out my licensure paperwork. I need to move forward with some things. Work feels better than it did a few months back, but I am still not staying more than a year. I like my new coworkers. I even like training them in a little, but they are young. No one knows what they are doing. The new coordinator is a sweetheart and I look forward to working with her, but she decorated her office instead of doing her job the last couple days (eye roll) this is the kind of shit that leaves us behind all the time. No one has foresight. Thus the book is called foresight, people need to fucking learn to plan. 

Thats my commitment to myself. If I am working at Day Treatment at the end of next school year, I will quit and go traveling for the summer. Spain and Portugal likely.  Then take a new job in the fall. Thats a good plan. Maybe I will even move to a new state. I mean... not likely, but maybe? 

What does Boston have?  Well, I figure I can walk around Harvard and Cambridge area tomorrow, just see a little of the northern parts of the city, along with the china town area the hostel is in. Another day I can go to the art museum and the ports. Another day I can do all the historic stuff and a walking tour. Get back on Sunday likely in time to celebrate Father's Day. If not, we will go to Top Golf this summer... Parents are retired now, they have time to do shit. 

jealousy, travel, choices, novelty

Weird to quote a teenager, but feeling it. 

We have no students next week, so I took a few days off. I am trying to find something to do that isn't just sitting around my apartment like I have been for over a year. It's only 2 extra days along with the weekend... so it doesn't seem like much. DC? Winnipeg? Boston? Not sure what I would do in Winnipeg. Some of the museums I want to see in DC won't be open. Haven't actually looked into Boston yet. It feels like things are available, but also not (still Covid).  I also took the 1, 2, 6 of July off to go up north with family. I will probably also take some time off in August since we have another week before school starts again. 

I have this very strong feeling like I am not doing enough. Yesterday I got off work a bit later than everyone else, but returning home, I didn't have anything to do. I didn't have a friend to reach out to. Didn't have a special project I wanted to do. It was basically like any other night. I woke up this morning and experienced the same feeling. How will I fill my day? I updated my computers. I cleaned my coffee maker. Played computer games. Watched YouTube. Grocery shopped. Walked around the lake. Took a nap. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing to brag about. Life standing still. 

This week I tried a few new things or things I haven't done in a while. Top Golf with coworkers, actually enjoyed it. Shamanic journeying, not sure I enjoyed it. Finished the class I have been taking for 10 weeks. Got hit by some water balloons. Played with clay. It felt good to try a few new things, and yet, not much really seems all that appealing these days. 

I suppose I could vary up my walks, try a new lake, go to the art museum. See a movie. 

Saw some friends last week. That was nice. 

I was thinking a lot this week about how I have mostly become the "nice" person that I wanted to be... but it doesn't really matter. People continue to perceive me how they will. Anxiety continues to get in my way. I don't seek out drama, nor adventure very often. New experiences are... well, I might enjoy them or not, but they don't seem all that important and yet I am also super bored. I am sitting around the apartment wishing I could just sleep for 10 hours. Thats not really living. 

I went to the shamanic journeying thing hoping to meet people I might connect with, but instead it felt kind of creepy. Or rather, it felt like an alternative version of the stuff I do, caretaking people who have a strong NEED to be known, they get it through the classes there, people in therapy get it through paying a therapist. I don't need it in that way, though I am still considering a therapist. 

I am lonely, but I am also not interested in putting up with... which is a really difficult spot to be in. 

Not sure what the future holds. Not sure if it matters. 

Illy says sometimes when she feels what I am feeling, it means something is about to change. It definitely feels like this chapter has completed, but I am not sure what or who is calling. 

Thats what it is. 

Tonight feels like it would have been a good night to have some edibles, or mushrooms or something. Do a little journeying. I might just finish up some meditation videos on balancing the masculine and feminine.  

Thats another thing I have been considering lately... 

From a hand written journal entry I did not finish... and so I will

 6/5/21 

I see my life heading down 2 or 3 very different paths. I suppose it's always been like this. The path I am on, the path I desire, the path of death (decay). 

That last one is the easiest, so let's start there  -its simple, something happens that leads to decay, maybe it is quick -a car accident, a heart attack, maybe it is drawn out, a coma, cancer, -a life of dependency -a traumatic brain injury, -something that radically shifts  -either I die or my life becomes focused on the struggle of day to day survival. There is a lesson there. Either way, it is an option. The path of decline. 

The path I desire, goes from the path I am on, to a relationship, it might come out of the blue, someone says "hi" at a coffee shop, a romance that forms from something else, a random chat on a dating app, a work person, a church person... the relationship develops into a family, a new purpose, a passing forward -traditional in many senses but my life is no longer my own. I am tied to others indefinitely a continuation -that will ask more of me, require more of me, than just my own self... new adventures, new changes, new awareness. 

-it could happen anytime, but I won't just fall into it, won't take the easy route... I don't want to adopt (alone), I don't want a fall back or a settling.

-another way this could happen is a radical shift -eg moving to a commune, a dedication to a larger family. Starting a business, something beyond myself... not quite the desire right now, but maybe...

Lastly the path I am on. 

This path is often a tight rope (internally at least), its moving slowly forward, building confidence, serving, then taking time for myself, but not quite balanced by anything (outside of myself). Its growth but also stagnation. Anxiety binds it. its very self oriented at times - a pushing away of everything - and very outward focused in the work. Nothing wrong, slow, drama free (except internally). Ultimately "good" but at the cost of something, or at least, I fear it is. At the cost of -I dunno -but it feels like at some point I will resent it, rebel, run away, fish or worse, the same old patter. 

Maybe it is a not quite honest life, a put on hold for a time. 

Maybe it is heading in the right direction and I am impatient. 

(continued later)

It's not so much that this current path is bad, its just, what is it leading to?  Where do I want it to go and if it doesn't lead to the path of desire, and is only a continuation of what is and has been... then every few years I will fall in love and be heart broken,  every few years I will leave town for a long trip and not share it with anyone, every few years the friends I gather will head off on new paths, and meanwhile I will gather skills and work and then burn myself out with bitterness. 

Likely I will head away from working with adolescents, become an outpatient therapist, then go in to private practice, teach or do workshops on the side. A continuation of the path I've been on and one that would seem natural and good, and feel appropriate to me. 

Times will call in changes. Family and friends will move away or move on. The world will become more chaotic, or simpler. Children will become adolescents will become adults before my eyes, and my own visage will start to show its age. 

It was 99 degrees out today, so after I left the coffee shop in which I was journaling, I thought I should try to brainstorm 10 or 15 things I could do to change my life that would be semi reasonable. 

Become a yogi. Become a monk. Move to a new city, or a small town. Start a totally different career that doesn't require taking care of people (I cannot even imagine this). Buy a house -make it an art house, plant a garden. Leave the country. Start a bad relationship. Join a fitness club and take classes. Take hallucinogens and have a spiritual experience. Get a big camper or a van that I can customize and go on the road.  Start a business. Get a pet -like a snake, a giant boa (be that guy). Get a tattoo of a snake and think about it like I am shedding my old skin. Start posting art and poetry in public spaces again. Join or start a commune?

I watched the Bo Burnham special again and loved it again. I cleaned parts of my apartment and took out a bunch of trash and other stuff that was just collecting for no reason. I have all these acrylic pour art canvases that I hate and I am not sure if I should try to cover them again or just throw them out. Seems wasteful. The hobby is incredibly expensive and wasteful. My apartment is still messy and disorganized. I could spend tomorrow or later tonight cleaning it up... Maybe. It just feels like some things will never have their right place, because they need to be out and accessible.  My desk for instance is covered with random things I want within reach. Pills and vitamins. Writing utensils. Candles. A checkbook. A few post its. Hand lotion. Incense. There is candy and cashews within reach. There are tarot cards and a back massager in reach. 

But there are also things I don't know where to stow away, the keyboard my dad brought over that I have barely touched. The collection of masks I pull from each day (need like a bin for them). The art supplies that don't fit in the plastic contraption that holds art supplies...

I watched some horoscope videos tonight and the guy basically said "you're on the right path" "you feel like you should have been rewarded by now" "the universe is aware that it owes you" "stay on the path, but see it in a different way" and other affirming words. I thought it was funny that I was journaling about paths, and then this reading basically said the same thing -which is why I chose to rewrite it into this post.  I reached out to some potential therapists. I finally bought groceries and made some food. I displayed some art in my apartment. I watched a lot of YouTube.

for a day that was nearly 100 degrees, and in which I woke up late and didn't coffee till noon, it was surprisingly productive. Maybe this is a good path and I can stop questioning every little thing I do. 

or not. 

reminder to mike, call yourself out on these behaviors

 

Do you ever just...

My horoscope this morning said "Even if your situation looks grim, luck is with you and you will know how to remain calm whatever happens. This will allow you to realize a wish that you made a few days ago." My first reaction to this was - oh shit something terrible is going to happen, and it may lead to wonderful results, but prepare your ass.

The day started off a little rocky, I woke up at my normal time but totally exhausted, and immediately remembered that I had a 7AM appointment, meaning I had about 40 minutes to shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and drive 15 minutes to work. I got there on time, skipping the morning coffee... then the kid didn't show.

Why was I tired? I couldn't sleep last night. The rising temperature. The thoughts swirling in my head. A weird dream in which part of Bo Burnham's new Netflix special shocked me away, reminding me in the middle of the night that everything is connected and nothing matters, or something to that extent. The special is amazing BTW. I was overthinking about work of course. I was praying. I was watching asmr. I was reading erotica. I was overthinking everything again. repeat.

So I woke up a little groggy, the kid didn't show. I went to get coffee and then realized I had hours to kill before all of my afternoon appointments. Conveniently that gave me time to check in on the kid that I was worried about all night, and 2 weeks of drama was worked out in a morning, plus we prepped for a family appointment in the afternoon that went well.

My work is now a bustle of new people who don't know what they are doing, and me feeling like I need to show them everything and wondering why they all seem so relaxed when I am still stressing. Like, you're the new folks, you should be stressed, I should be confident... but that is not the way the world works.

I am very aware that the folks who have worked with me the longest are all burned out... its really difficult.We are bitter, and frustrated with new folks when they don't jump in and take care of things. If another person leaves? If I leave? Our receptionist basically told me I wasn't allowed to. She said I was one of the good ones, even though her dog didn't like me at first -which she saw as a sign, until he started wanting to be petted by me, and she realized its just because I am a cat person. Who would she talk to about Lucifer?

Overall the day mostly went well, we worked stuff out, most of the kids had fun, the teachers had them paint pots and gave them flowers to plant. It was good. I was wrapped up in my thoughts of what trauma can do to people, and thinking of that movie Manchester by the Sea. (Which I just watched several scenes from that always move me to tears).

I was at work from 7 until like 5:30 or something... but whatever, I don't have a life. I pride myself on being good at what I do. I do it, I do more of it, I learn more and keep getting better. I felt good about work today, who cares if I am wasting my personal life away, right?

Jesse texted me a bunch last night and today, nothing major just catching up. It's a nice reminder that the world exists. Australia is like us, but also really not like us. She talks about how they messed up the vaccine roll out, but also about how she has stayed on unemployment for years by taking low pay jobs and 13 hours a week, and after working a 10 hour day... I am like... oh shit, life? what do you even do with all those hours?

What do I do? I didn't go for a walk in the 95 degree heat. I didn't buy groceries like I've been telling myself to all week. I didn't clean or organize my messy apartment, or do dishes.

I buy Chinese food, watch some YouTube, watch A Promising Young Woman (on the Bo kick and have always adored Carey Mulligan). And then because I am lonely, I snoop around Facebook. And new sights bring that familiar but always difficult heaviness to my chest, the stinging warmth, and I try to sit with it.

With the hurt, the anger, the jealousy, the confusion, the feeling of betrayal. I just sit with it, breath into it, see what it has to say to me. I assume it wants to be held, my heart, wants to be seen and loved and soothed, so I try to offer what I can. But it is still a difficult thing to accept.

I am curious about this feeling. I used to have it with other exes, and even some of those friends I had crushes on. I know it goes away with time. I know that new people make it hurt less. But I am curious about this feeling. Wondering when it started. Was it when I was a kid? When I was a teenager?

I remember being shocked and angry as Nikki smiled while she broke up with me, because I let her off the hook. I remember being devastated that M was so cold in the driveway as she dropped off my stuff. Like a fucking robot sociopath. Not a single part of her wanted to sooth the pain she was part of. Why do I still wonder about her when at the end she treated me so poorly? And yet my heart burns with the breaking, the wound is still warm. I suppose that's a good thing, something to cherish. Mike you are alive, and your heart is capable of breaking again and again.

There was that one time I asked it, but with this last one, I just kept insisting... heart you yearn for this, love it, love every part of it, why not break a little more and let the chaos in? Tonight I watched a video I had seen before about how some people are hopeless romantics, meaning (according to the video) that they just yearn for the story. And I am that, even if I don't speak it aloud. I am constantly craving the story, shifting and changing it in my mind. My mind is a terrifying place sometimes. I am in awe of it.

My heart, also to be treasured, but I am aware that it is vulnerable. I hurt my heart. I did it. So why do I keep blaming her? They look cute together and I know they had more in common than we did. Why should I be jealous and possessive? They have been together longer than we were. They probably have all the same issues we had. This is my craving heart that needs to mend, not hers. 

I review the pictures of our time together, it seems like so long ago and only seconds. I remember these moments, I remember being happy and being grateful that she was with me. I remember seeing her smile and thinking it was genuine as well. These little adventures, make me feel good, but they are also distant. Almost YEARS ago now or in some cases actually years ago. Its odd to hold this, maybe its because I have been running from these pictures, or not sure what to do with them. My own collection of trophies that I haven't ever gotten to display. Wanna see one? 

how about this one... no, why chisel these remembrances. She looked happy. But she didn't know me or didn't care enough to make it work. I was happy, but I was deluding myself. I can have that again with a partner who wants to be with me... just need to let it go. 

And then I return to her Facebook page, something I haven't actually done in months. And she has a hundred new memories without me, and this time it doesn't hurt, or at least not much. I am curious, I am kind of grateful, I ask G-d to take care of them. I miss the kids. I want happiness for all of them. I don't want my grumbling and pain to be a part of their story, like my angry heart might have insisted only minutes ago. 

But, I definitely need someone new.

Which wish did the horoscope mean?