1) I have this feeling that things are shifting, someone is getting engaged, someone pregnant, someone dying, something is going to happen... it feels like the world is turning.
2) I wrote this poem a long time ago about how sometimes my empathic joy and sorrow is stronger than my actual feelings. I think it's funny how I can sit and delight in someone else more than just experiencing my own stuff. And it is mine, its my body experiencing the ups and downs that I am associating with the other. Sometimes I even delight in other's struggle, because I am aware that it could be a changing point, a revelation. But maybe I am addicted to that, getting all my feels from others. Maybe that's what makes me so dependent.
3) I know I have written about this before, but I had this very strong distinctive feeling of loss of status today. My brother asked me to check on the cats when they are out of town. Everyone is doing something, and I am the cat sitter. I know I could make things happen, but I don't know that I want to. Its kind of back to the third wheel thing. My Dad made a very gloomy joke about how I was preparing for when my parents die (being home alone for Christmas). It occurred to me, that my status in the family is not secure. I know that part of the loss in the relationship with M, was status of having a family. Quarantine has really made it clear, I am alone because everyone else is moving forward. With M, I was looking forward to feeling like my family was essential, that they were something to gather around and that by association (I guess), that I was part of something bigger than just being the guy who hangs around. The unnecessary. My ego needs a purpose. I think part of the reason I've been so angry with her is because I was relying on her to move me forward in life. I definitely feel like I've gotten as far as I can go alone. Sure I'll be successful at my job... might travel alone some more. Might even have some creative projects. But nothing new. Family was new. It was a launch into a different me, and I was willing to sacrifice just about everything for it. But I guess... thats not the way it works. I am still me after all.
J offered the status to me. She wasn't proposing a relationship, she was proposing status. Thats why I said no. I think it's funny to watch her videos on insta, to see her and her boyfriend create a life together, almost as if it is entirely a show. I am sure there is real life behind those clips, but memories are made and displayed. Status matters I guess. M and I didn't have a single photo anywhere on social media. I was trying to be cautious of her status...
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