Breathe

 It's nearly 1 am on a Sunday morning. I am listening to Billy Breathes, been listening to the album on repeat while playing computer games. I get this weird feeling like I want to listen to something else, except I don't. I want to hit play again. I don't know if its because it is easier or because there are little moments throughout the album that just sound so sweet, so soothing, so comforting in the knowledge that I can have them again and again. 

It's nearly 1 am and I am lonely. It was about 3 pm when it first hit. I put it off. I played computer games and listened to music. Made dinner. Scrolled through instagram and facebook for an hour or two. Watched some comedy.  It's nearly 1 am and I should be sleeping, but it was a chill day and I am lonely. 

Thinking about old relationships. Wondering why it's so hard to find someone I am interested in, questioning why I don't even have a crush... and of course, its a pandemic, and I only see my coworkers and students... but it feels very dissatisfying. Feels kind of hopeless. I looked over old messages, and found that I am definitely an anxiously attached person. Tiptoeing around all the time, totally unsure of myself. 

I've had some more socializing with coworkers this past week. It's kind of funny to realize that adults are really just big middle schoolers. We are all insecure and awkward. I watched my coworkers have conversations that felt very much like high school or college, and then realized that in my head I was trying to figure out where my stories fit in that mix, to fit in. And then I realized, I am not sure I want to.  I miss out on a million opportunities to be part of groups, but do I actually want to connect over these thing?  Clubbing? Drugs and alcohol? Reality TV?  None of these things matter to me, why would I get involved in the drama? And yet, I am attracted to their honesty and openness. I am drawn to people who say "fuck you this is me, love me."  because I don't present myself that way, I say "Sorry, this is who I am, I hope you can put up with it."  Literally I see these phrases come up in my messages to exes... its kind of pathetic and also exactly who I have been. 

One of my students says I am a child or an old man. I am.

We have a break coming up. I am annoyed that I have to use PTO, even when the kids won't be in programming. Might hang with some of these coworkers, create a new clique? Probably see some old friends. Go for a walk more often? Might go into work and do some stuff just to have something to do. 

The loneliness is rough. But I am not yet up for changing my entire life just for a tiny possibility... I think there is a lot of disappointment built into my life, from trying things and it leading me places, but never the place I actually want.  Maybe all this secretive yearning is the thing that is pushing people away?   No, it's probably my aloofness, followed by massive anxious insecurity. 

"Come waste your time with me."