Fall too

This week has been hard. I feel like I need to cry, maybe I do. Some fog permeating my aura, a half inch above and below my skin. Almost invisible, not stagnant but moving, permeable. And sometimes a joke or a good picture will cut through it. But mostly it feels like a hazy curtain. Part of it is the weather of course. The dark creeping in, the cold that lasts from night into mid afternoon. Part of it is work. I am not feeling successful. I am not seeing an easy means of success that would show I was worthwhile. Some of my cases feel hopeless, and the ones that don't are also logistically nightmarish. The work space is fine, and then cold and lifeless. People are nice and then absent. Part of it is societal. The supreme court nominee was accused of sexual assault, an incident that happened when he was a teenager, but still too real. He reacted petulantly, but will probably still get a life time appointment. If he had said "yes, I did that, I'm sorry. I've been trying to make up for it since." Would the story feel so disheartening? There is no new information but I am drawn to the news. Part of it is that I feel like I am settling into comfort, hibernation. The crazy excitement and mystery is wearing off, but I still feel drawn in a different way. I want more time to just be, but worry we will always be running away.

The idea of having my own children is slowly fading. Sure, I could adjust to the task, but do I want small ones? Do I want that constant responsibility? Worry? Insecurity?

Socially, I feel like I should be reaching out to people, but I don't know what that would do. Would I just feel more quartered? I want to integrate my life.

I want the malaise to lift.