1:40 I should be asleep

I haven't had anything to do all week, but I've had a lot of homework to keep me busy. In fact, I don't think I will get it all done but I've been prioritizing the things that seemed the most important to get done first... so it might be some readings that fall by the wayside, but the papers and assignments and presentation will be ok. Ok?

I've been trying to exercise more and eat less. I spent a few minutes feeling really good about myself while walking around Lake of the Isles, and in the moment I told myself "Hey, this is you, don't let all that other bullshit take you away from this." about 15 minutes later my stomach hurt, and I spent the rest of the day very aware that I am not happy with my body, nor is it happy with me.

I've been listening to the Punch Brothers a lot. I've been thinking about how I'd rather be painting but I haven't even gotten out a watercolor set. I feel like after this weekend (my last week of classes for the first year of grad school), I will have plenty of time for pleasurable pursuits. I can write more, read more, draw and paint, learn some Spanish, exercise, plan a trip, meet people. But I am also worried that I will spent all my time watching Netflix or playing computer games. Avoiding people because I am not sure who I like, and how much... It's difficult to figure out.

Some of my new friends from grad school seem great, I enjoy their company, but I don't want to feel like they depend on me. I am afraid of commitment I guess. Same with everything else.
I don't even know how to say hi to people I have loved in the past, don't know how to say happy birthday, or thinking about you... without overly thinking and then doing nothing.

Take a breath, say hi, leave it at that. Don't overanalyze.

I have this paper due. I decided to write about food support (mostly SNAP) but a little on the conglomeration of programs that are mostly good, but not enough. They don't do anything to change the situation, but they keep people from sinking further (when they are used properly). Its weird to pick a random topic and then suddenly feel like you are really learning something new. -that is not how I have felt about most of the stuff this year.  A couple of the projects this summer session though-have got me researching. But thats weird too right? the Hmong thing, and a couple things this semester -all were things I researched on my own because of an assignment, but not necessarily topics that were assigned...  I dunno its weird. Also I need an editor.

But the point of this writing was to say, life is ok. It's not amazing, but it has the potential for moments of positivity. It also contains the seeds for moments of negativity. I have to a better job of choosing to eat healthily.