Listening to pop music at Spyhouse,
it is Friday and my car was hit and run again last night. Another $500 down the drain.
It is the beginning of summer, I have a few months off. I am going to practice Spanish and get in better shape. I will do some writing and editing, and probably not make a real dent, but progress none the less. I will probably see people, and also probably isolate a bit. I will do a lot more reading, and a lot more netflixing.
Jesse said something about meeting again next summer. It made me wonder about second chances, and if I've been wasting my time all this time. One never knows what direction life will go... should go...

I thought I saw that women today, the one who occasionally struck the breath from chest. I dreamed of her. But soon enough she was gone. She was definitely pregnant. While walking around the lake, I kept hoping she'd be around the corner. I couldn't think of anything else. It is amazing what a smile can do. I don't even know her a little bit. We were never even able to talk, and I always found her voice didn't match her face, a subtle disappointment every time. But those eyes, I dreamed of her. In an alternate universe we fell in love. In a past life we shared a home. In the future she saved my life. It is amazing how a crush can make your day worth it, or not worth it at all. Sometimes when I am super attracted to a person I make the conscious choice not to ruin it by getting to know them. Sometimes I need to dream people.

1:40 I should be asleep

I haven't had anything to do all week, but I've had a lot of homework to keep me busy. In fact, I don't think I will get it all done but I've been prioritizing the things that seemed the most important to get done first... so it might be some readings that fall by the wayside, but the papers and assignments and presentation will be ok. Ok?

I've been trying to exercise more and eat less. I spent a few minutes feeling really good about myself while walking around Lake of the Isles, and in the moment I told myself "Hey, this is you, don't let all that other bullshit take you away from this." about 15 minutes later my stomach hurt, and I spent the rest of the day very aware that I am not happy with my body, nor is it happy with me.

I've been listening to the Punch Brothers a lot. I've been thinking about how I'd rather be painting but I haven't even gotten out a watercolor set. I feel like after this weekend (my last week of classes for the first year of grad school), I will have plenty of time for pleasurable pursuits. I can write more, read more, draw and paint, learn some Spanish, exercise, plan a trip, meet people. But I am also worried that I will spent all my time watching Netflix or playing computer games. Avoiding people because I am not sure who I like, and how much... It's difficult to figure out.

Some of my new friends from grad school seem great, I enjoy their company, but I don't want to feel like they depend on me. I am afraid of commitment I guess. Same with everything else.
I don't even know how to say hi to people I have loved in the past, don't know how to say happy birthday, or thinking about you... without overly thinking and then doing nothing.

Take a breath, say hi, leave it at that. Don't overanalyze.

I have this paper due. I decided to write about food support (mostly SNAP) but a little on the conglomeration of programs that are mostly good, but not enough. They don't do anything to change the situation, but they keep people from sinking further (when they are used properly). Its weird to pick a random topic and then suddenly feel like you are really learning something new. -that is not how I have felt about most of the stuff this year.  A couple of the projects this summer session though-have got me researching. But thats weird too right? the Hmong thing, and a couple things this semester -all were things I researched on my own because of an assignment, but not necessarily topics that were assigned...  I dunno its weird. Also I need an editor.

But the point of this writing was to say, life is ok. It's not amazing, but it has the potential for moments of positivity. It also contains the seeds for moments of negativity. I have to a better job of choosing to eat healthily.

mah

What is the difference between fantasy desires and real ones when neither is acted upon?
How do you tell? And when something is part of you, does it necessarily need to be reinforced and supported, or just recognized and understood to be part of you. When connecting, at what point do you explore the discomfort, and if that exploration is self-negated for want of  stable support, is that living a lie or merely a half truth? and to who do you owe the explanation. And if the exploration is denied by the other person, is that grounds for moving on? Is it grounds for not starting in the first place.

the beginning of a june

Because it is summer and the sun is so welcoming, and the people are unraveled, and my eyes are pried wide, delightfully reveling, unbridled by morality, for a second I thought gladly, the world had become heavenly, spied I, so readily, humanity unsaddled, and bear of transgressions or sins of the form, but the thought became maddening, the presence unsatisfying, denied embrace or connection, and even the promise of an ongoing norm, o transitory flesh, a blemish  not imperfection, but the simple projection, of lasting satisfaction, a fleeting sensation, longed for once tasted, and scalded now, still waiting, for the intimate enveloping, implicitly understood to be summer's boast.