Sunday, 5 PM. What have you done today?
Well mostly I've been sleeping. I also read a couple chapters in the Parable of the Sower by Octavia E Butler which is good. It is the combination of dark and spiritual that I am going for in certain chapters of my book. Yesterday I spent some time writing part 3.2 and I went home thinking about it. I like to write dialogue scenes and fill them in with details later. Anyway... I slept in too late and stayed up too ate watching the new Iron Fist show on Netflix. I did laundry last night and the motor on the dryer went out halfway through the first load so I had to air dry all my stuff. I am hoping it won't smell all week, but I also hope we can get the dryer fixed so I don't have to do this again. I finally shaved and cleaned the bathroom.
Shaving revealed that my jaw actually is swollen from the blow I took in the tub the other day. It doesn't necessarily hurt on its own, it doesn't hurt when I chew or talk, I have the full range of motion BUT it is bigger on one side. Gives my face a sort of off kilter look if you look too close. It still hurts in a very dull tightened way. I will probably end up getting TMJ and having jaw pain my whole life. This is how it starts, slip in the shower when you haven't slept all night.
I am pretty sick of work. We had to hire a bunch of new people, but some of our January cats are becoming shift leads now, so I don't have to worry too much. Maybe quit this summer? What will I do for money?
I am pretty sick of my classes this semester.
In field class I am learning nothing. In research methods I am learning nothing new, but because it is online there is this feeling like I have to pay attention to the details... in group class I feel like I haven't learned anything from day one... this week I facilitate a group discussion (wow). In my favorite class -which is Friday night, this week we covering substance and trauma. Our small group is doing PTSD as an in-depth thing and we read this book that probably won't bear much fruit.
I like that class, but I would like it more if it were every day or a few times a week.
I basically haven't seen anyone but Illy (last week) and my family (also last week). It isn't that I am intentionally avoiding people, just not reaching out and I must have trained all of them not to do the same... I am pretty happy with my isolated little world most of the time, but in terms of life I don't feel satisfied at all. There is nothing big. There are no new changes. Nothing I am working towards except slow progress on the book, and boring school.
I need to pay taxes, fill out FAFSA, have my car looked at, pay some bills, register for classes, find a new internship, finish the semester with whatever the typical grade is... and move on with my life.
Summer is two classes I think -no work, no internship (or at least less).
I am thinking I will do a lot of writing and editing. Also thinking I may have to move if my internship is somewhere else... I am pretty sure I want something more clinical -counseling related. I would probably learn more in a hospital setting, or as a case worker... but I don't think I want those kinds of jobs in the long run so...
Maybe if I interned at a hospital I could meet a doctor or a nurse who would pay my bills after they paid off medical school. THAT'S the PLAN right THERE. Gold digger.
This week I am having dinner with my Mom and Brothers to celebrate our birthdays. The monotony of life is not comforting to me, having to celebrate everything twice... The yearly rituals that mean nothing to me. New Years, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday birthday, Easter, Easter, birthday, Mothers day, birthday, Fathers day, birthday, random american celebrations, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas. Christmas. Repeat. What else is there? If my beliefs or passion were tied to any of these things maybe they'd be more meaningful... but I don't care. When I was a kid I thought it was sad that Witnesses and others didn't celebrate birthdays and christmas... now I think they are on to something.
I've been thinking about how that was the same with work when I worked... it was the same cycle of events and traditions and to some extent they felt more meaningful because we were doing it for the kids, but at the same time I was always happy when they were over. Celebrations shouldn't offer relief when they are over.
In my book all the believers do daily rituals, they are involved in regular celebrations, they have cities for pilgrimage etc. But their daily existence is tied to these things. They offer community support, they obligate people to feel involved and when people aren't involved there is an assumption of something being wrong. I often think "How would an introvert feel in this world?" and get a little squeamish on their behalf.
I did some of my homework and I am not sure how much more there is to do. Its like fill in the blank work at this point. I need to do some reading with books I didn't bring, but I am not worried about it at all. I also need to prep for my next series of big assignments, but when I read their description they didn't scare me. Do a family assessment based on a chapter of a book... ok easy enough.
I am more worried that as things build up to the end I will just lose more and more interest. I already asked for a few days off from work -assuming I will need the time for intern interviews and writing papers. Seems like it has been way too easy this semester. I always did better when I had more classes to keep me on edge.
thats your boring update for the week.
No comments:
Post a Comment