Life

Dear former and future self,

Its a lovely Monday in Minneapolis. The wind is out but so is the sun leaving the temperature somewhere around heavy long sleeve weather. Its about 1 PM and I've been settling bills and looking up bank accounts. Tomorrow is my first actual shift at Dunn Bros MCTC location. They say it will take a few weeks to get up to speed, to have the rhythm of the place and to flow with my coworkers. I like the people I work with so far, they are all very chill and very nice.

I have been spending way too much money at Target. I've been spending like I need everything and last night I got a little worried that I wouldn't know how to stop. My bank accounts assure me that I am still within reason, but when I do my budget I am looking at major deficits.  There is just no way to make $1000 or whatever I will be making, work out for all my bills.
The apartment is basically half of that, insurance and various bills another quarter, 50-100 for gas each month, books and entertainment another 100 at least. I am left with almost nothing for food, nothing for extra expenses (a bike? a new computer? art supplies? a class?). These are all things I imagined I would be getting, and perhaps that is part of why I am spending so much now, its like I don't want to admit I have to budget yet and I am trying to get every little thing in before the big wham.

 I've also been having a hard time disciplining myself to work on the things I am "giving myself time for." I haven't picked up my guitar in a couple weeks, haven't been drawing, barely been writing. I have been watching a show I don't really like on Netflix and going over my OkCupid account with little to show for it. 

The last few days the stock market has been crashing and to me it reveals the ridiculousness of relying on the gamblers for future earnings.  I've considered getting another job, but as of now I haven't really done any of the things I wanted to do with my time off...
So I am facing this crisis in my head, the question being -do I use all my time to work? (meaning I might be able to pay my bills and not worry about the money stuff so much, but might also be stressed and wish I had more free time) Or  do I relax and assume the free time is good for me, push through and try to make something of it? (meaning I will be stressed about money, and anxious about the reality that I really don't know what I will make of it).

The other day I saw the billboard with the lottery numbers, the sign said something regarding having the money to pay for your dreams. In the car I divided the money this way.
Assuming 20 Million
1 million for future family issues * like parents retirement.
1-3 million for property and investments (stuff that will help future family if I ever have one).

5 million for investing in the environment
2-3 million for an arts center/performance space/coffee shop
3 million for progressive leadership training
3 million for a school.
2 million for philanthropic start ups. 

Its interesting how this kind of thought experiment can show you your priorities.
There is a piece of me that wants to worry less about financial stuff, to know my family is taken care of. My Mom says my Grandpa had a philosophy of savings, stocks and property, that between the three you'd always be taken care of and be able to pass the wealth on. If you are going to be rich, might as well make it last a few generations.

The biggest issue I can think of right now is not police brutality, or even human rights, but rather the environment. I just don't think anyone is paying attention to how fucked we are. I don't really know how 5 million could help, maybe investing in solar/wind projects. Maybe just trying to get the word out. Jesse has been part of this group called "less meat less heat" and though I am personally living it up off the animal farming industry, that is obviously in great need of reform. Maybe it would just be money for urban gardens and farms... who knows. In general though it feels like if humans don't realign ourselves with the environment and the ecology of the places we live, we will die.

I think the Arts Space and the School are similar. I want spaces that I can invest my energy and creativity, and I want other people to be able to do the same. I think these things could have huge impacts on peoples lives, so why not spend money on them.

Leadership and philanthropy, These are both ideas to get the money to have the biggest impact outside of my personal investments. Empowering others to create and transform their communities, teaching them to lead and empower others. I think that in the long run these things would probably have the biggest impact.

Why am I writing this?
I am wondering whats next. Ok so I take 6 months or a year off. I can afford to work a part time job or a minimum wage job for awhile and get by, but that isn't what I want in the long run. So what is?
Do I want to be a teacher? A professor? A community organizer? An activist? Do I want to run an arts program? Do I want to do none of this?

I just don't know.

A couple people just asked me where I wanted to go next... my answer is that I want to go somewhere, or do something that I am excited for, and I don't know what that is yet.