I've spent almost 2 years now with one foot in and one foot out. I am eager and ready to go.
I dislike all the little things in my way. Immunizations and passports and bank accounts and certificates, tickets and storage, insurance and backup plans.
I have whittled away my relationships and responsibilities to people.
I have strived to change aspects of myself, round edges and smooth the jagged bits.
I have pushed myself to grow courage, patience and act the part even when I am not confident.
I have given up a lot of stuff, disentangled myself from attachments.
And it has left me with a sort of feeling, that I am less, until I do more.
It feels perilous, I am off kilter, and if I suddenly needed to stay, I'd need a new anchor to hold me, give me purpose.
Some of it is intentional, some has been done for me, and some has been subconscious, but my assessment of myself is that I do not feel called here anymore.
Half my heart is gone already.
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