I spend so much time fighting it, not consciously of course, but more in the daily recognition of the slight changes in the current. I ignore them, ridicule them, rationalize them, but rarely accept them as a new and present thing.
I spend some time at spyhouse painting and thinking about how much I just enjoy that time... but also slightly tormented by the desire for certain old patterns to spring to life around me... and they didn't. They won't.
I came home and played with the cat, and thought a little about leaving this new home, and how some day in the future it will not feel so familiar. It will feel like entering someone else's home.
I look around my room for the things to save and the things to let go.
Why put old and ratty clothes in storage?
Why keep post it notes and markers?
Why a bin full of empty journals?
Why paints that will dry up?
Why keep the book shelves that are already falling apart?
Why fans, and heaters, and lights, and alarm clocks?
Why instruments never played?
Why keep a thing if it could be functional to someone else?
Why keep a treasure if it loses its meaning in time?
There are things I want to keep with me: pictures in a harddrive that may not work, music and websites on a computer that is breaking down, books and files that would help to a great extent, but are too heavy to take with.
I feel the fire, the cleansing, the purge. I feel it coming, and part of me wants to fight it.
You just don't know what will happen, what will be useful, what will be important...
but I do know I can't take any of it with me, not forever, and not if it doesn't fit in a bag.
and who will I be when I return, what will I need, what will be important?
One can't predict the future.
I fight to hold on, but its such an internal struggle. It means nothing to the world. It means nothing to the people around me, who have to deal with their own struggles.
People who create pottery like my Mom or Jared, have to spend all this time and space figuring out where their creation can go. I like the 2d stuff sometimes because it stacks and is dismissed so easily.
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The New Year
My time will be spent
Life: Trip to see Lacey in 2 weeks.
Other trips? Read books for trip, study/homework, work, considering a book series, finish dexter? Spring break?
Work: US History(Early 1800s-early 1900s), World History (Classical-Middle Ages), Current Events (focus on Economics), Home Room (Focus on Creative Writing). Group Class, Mens Class, Graduation Requirements (Testing etc), Science Fiction Book Club? (1984, Enders Game, Hitchhikers guide?)
TEFL: I wish I knew more about the program, I really haven't heard much. I guess they will send me information soon, but I am not sure about books, or even the hours. I suppose I could look that up. Maybe do that in a minute.
Preparing for trip: Spanish (I fell off), History and travel guides, research and prep for jobs, packing. Health check, vaccines etc.
Preparing to depart for long term: Insurance and financial arrangements, storage (stuff and car), plane tickets, updating information.
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Its funny, I don't even make room for extras, for meeting new people, for unexpected events.
I was talking to my Dad one day about buying a house when I get back, and he laughed about my planning so far in advanced. I guess I want to stay open, but prepared. I want to be prepared to abandon South America and head to Asia if need be. I want to be prepared to have to come home.
I want to be prepared for diseases and health scares. I want to be prepared if something comes up again and I don't ever leave. But I don't necessarily plan a whole lot for positive events to happen.
If I haven't been clear, the plan at this point is to finish up work in June and leave before July for South America (at this point likely Bogota first, but that is just the latest plan so could be anywhere). I want to spend 3-6 months traveling to the 10 countries I planned to visit last year and then get a job ideally teaching. I would like to get a job teaching English or Social Studies in a fairly relaxed environment where I could potentially do some other things as well like volunteer or take classes or be an artist or something. I am also open to the idea that these jobs might be shorter term, like 3 months here, 3 months elsewhere. If that is the case, or if it seems likely -then I may break up that initial 3-6 months and travel to places as the time goes. If I dislike my time in South America or get bored, or can't find a place to settle down, or the right opportunity. Then I apply for international jobs elsewhere ideally South East Asia. Which is kind of like the next place on my list to see after South America. I am trying to be open to other possibilities too, though Europe and Australia are kind of like last resort... not even really sure why they would need me.
Potentially then I would be returning in 1-2 years but most likely around early to mid 2016. I would then sub here, or look for something to do that makes me feel like I am a decent human being.
My Dad is right, that is a large span of time to be making decisions about.
When I look at some of the postings for Teaching jobs abroad, they make it seem like there are a lot of people who go from place to place teaching abroad. I could see myself doing that... but I just don't find english to be that inspiring of a subject. I am already nervous about it. A lot of the websites stress the idea that you are not teaching just that something is correct or incorrect, but the why behind it. I don't actually get english grammar rules and rarely care,but this may be my job in the future. These settings will likely also be highly traditional in their approach. Which is not me. I recognize that style of teaching has its place, language acquisition could potentially be one of those places, but I am hopeful to see how often interactive lessons are stressed in the postings. I am hoping that is especially stressed in my TEFL classes, and I am excited to read the book I just bought online that is a collection of quick interactive lessons.
For higher levels, I would really like to be able to teach some social studies English (fingers crossed). I'd love to be able to talk about the US, Canada or England, history, politics, cultural norms etc. That would be fun.
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