Everyone has a battle

Its 11 PM and I am starting to lose steam, but this is a post about an element of that so why not get it started yall.

I was anxious for the parent dinner tonight so I walked around the lake to get calm... and it did calm me, and kind of exhausted me... but while I was walking I kept thinking about my class last night.

I am taking two spanish classes. One started last night, another next week. They are each about 8 weeks long, but the deal is that they are at different levels. Last nights' class was the harder of the two, but I don't know that Monday's class will be my level either.
I guess I didn't want to take the spanish basics class because I was worried it would be all "me llamo Mike, uno dos tres"  stuff I already know... So I assume level 2 is where I should be, but level 2 doesn't promise conversational practice... which is what I really want to learn. So I take the level 2 on Monday and the level 3 on Wednesday.  But the problem is that as far as speaking, I probably am a level 1 beginner. I never got higher than level 1 or 2 in high school or college. I have traveled in Spanish speaking countries, but spoke English there.  I have used a lot of Rosetta Stone in the past, but I just started over a few weeks ago... so I don't remember a lot of my words yet. I know I have known them... but I don't know them right now... and that is the trick with conversation. You can't look stuff up, or get context clues if you are already lost... and last night I was lost.  I'm in over my head, some of the other speakers were at one point clearly fluent. They don't have the same hang ups as I do with language it seems... and that is the rub. It doesn't come easy to me. It never has. I can get by just fine traveling, I feel like a fucking champ... but speaking the language makes me feel like a 2 year old... and that is embarrassing.   I was so embarrassed. I felt ashamed of my inability, even though the reality is that I knew I was entering a level higher than I should be. But I guess its been a long time since I was in a class that I sucked at.  I guess its been even longer since I was the worst person in class.  and I am not used to feeling stupid.  I rarely feel truly stupid, but learning languages (and music) make me feel that way... and the problem is I respect them SOOOOO MUCH that it pains me to be bad... I am ashamed, I want to hide, I want to run away.
So I'm  feeling that in class last night for 1.5 hours, and then all day today I am wound up and anxious and I realize my ego has been horribly shaken. I just don't feel as confident about who I am and what I am capable of -because I can't express it.  I am so used to being able to express myself at will, that I am deeply humbled, brought down, by this 1.5 hours of not being able to.   And I spend my hour on the lake reciting Hindu Mantras to calm myself, and trying to find the ways to recognize that being the worst in class is OK. It's ok because it provides others the opportunity to teach me (which helps them). It's ok because it provides others the confidence because at least they aren't as bad as me. It's ok because inevitably someone has to be the worst. It's ok because no one actually cares. It's ok because my real issue is the ego, not the words... I can do fine getting by in other countries, I find ways to express myself and help others to express themselves... I will have to slow down in conversations and THINK and that is a good challenge for my brain. I will have to work harder and concentrate on learning and that is good for me as a person. I will have to get over my fear of being a fuck up, stupid head and that is good for my soul.  I will have to immerse myself in another language for 1.5 hours a week (plus the other class) and that will be good for my comprehension.   I paid less than 100 for all of this, and that is a brilliant fucking deal... but still I am rocked.

My boss/coworker is struggling... we all are... with school. It needs to end, and yet the value and function is still so needed. How can we close down the school when the school is so important?   and yet it will kill us.  Its a death trap... and I am a little worried it will kill us.  Because its so hard to recognize what is and isn't our battle to fight, when the battle needs to be fought and there isn't anyone else stepping up.

My coworker has her own issues, and she was really open about how vulnerable some of these situations make her feel and I realized that that is what happened in spanish class to me.
Caring and knowing you can't keep up, and feeling like at any moment you will be exposed and blamed and humiliated... but even if that happens    its like    were still us...

Past the shame and the humiliation and the fear and the pride being shattered... I'm still me.
and they are just feelings... not reality.

The things we do

I'm going through pictures, trying to prepare a suitable number to print all at once. Like 500-1000 pictures from the last few years.  So far I have about 200 from 2012 and random things. Its hard to know what to print from my trips. Do I grab a few well angled beauties? Do I print the pictures that bring back memories, or the tourist things?
I sort of knew this would be an issue so I did the puppybear photo series... but after that?

A few selfies and a waterfall?

My little brother is confusing. He says he is building his confidence by working out. But he doesn't have a job or hobbies or a future planned.

I suppose minus the job I am in the same boat. My future is pretty unsure, but I think I have lots of plans and just don't know which one I will put into action. Maybe I will go into organizing schools, or being a motivational speaker for teachers... as someone suggested I should do yesterday.
Maybe I will be a street performer, or after I take this henna class in a couple weeks... maybe I can just go around and do that for a living... ha. 

I got really sick last week and I am not fully recovered. Perhaps I will have to quit my job and become a recluse not by choice. Maybe I will become a youtube sensation out of desperation on bedrest. 

I noticed in my 2012 photos, that towards the beginning of the year I took lots and lots of pictures and then as Illy sank deeper into her illness, I took less and less. My own interests and isolation... it was not until this summer that I truly got out of it. Though I think I spent a lot of time earlier this year working on my own mental well being. 

I think right now, this reflecting is making me sad.  I should go back to being productive.

I have been sleeping and dreaming a lot  and it is beautiful and I never want to wake up... but i dont think its depression... i think its loving my own imagination.

in-between

Tomorrow is the first day of the 6th full school year. Technically I already started my 6th year because I originally started during summer, but tomorrow is the first day of classes.
This year I am trying to teach a more traditional curriculum but with the insights and adaptations I have been learning through teaching other classes.
For instance I am hoping to have more story telling, scenarios and student lead exercises in traditional classes like world history or civics. I don't know how successful I will be at this, but I imagine it won't be easy to get a job teaching non traditional classes at another school... so I'd like to hown my skills as it were.
School has been a rocky start... I think it is settling out now... but basically in mid July we found out we didn't have a science teacher/5th staff member for this year. In mid August we found out that we didn't have any candidates for the position. Today and tomorrow we are still interviewing people... and we came up with a back up plan that will work... but its just a rough start.
We have about 35 students and need about 55. We have very little hope for the future at this point... and today when my coworker was reading the "reasons I have moved on letter" from my coworker who left... I realized we might be putting a lot of these students in a tough position at the end of the year. Its sad... but we can't be their home forever I guess. 

Today I felt sick most of the day. Achy and dizzy and having a hard time concentrating. It started last night, right around the time the temperature dropped to 45 degrees (MN is crazy).  It was 80 today by the end of the day, but last night it was extremely cold. I was shivering and shaking in my bed under the covers and I started wondering if it was perhaps more than the cold... then I tried to get up and realized I basically felt that weird feeling you have when you are drunk and don't have complete control over your limbs and muscles and what not.
That lasted through the day, but I am feeling better now and hoping it doesn't come back.

School is in some ways the only real pillar I have going right now.
I moved into this new house and am encouraged to recognize there are opportunities for community building here. We are having a game night on Friday, in a couple week an art night. We already had a progressive dinner. But most of the time I am in my room, and I feel like I live in someone elses house... regardless of how open and welcoming they are.
My room is mostly packed with a large bed in the center. Half of the bed is covered by the things I do. Books, art supplies, computer and ipad, candy, a large dry erase calendar. But I have not quite figured out a way to make the rest of the room accessible. It is so packed that you can't use things...

I have been taking lots of photos lately, and trying to remain in my tourist (everything is new and beautiful) mode. It is going well for the most part. Even taking a few walks around the lakes, though I haven't walked to work yet, which was a goal.

My other goals are turning out to be more complicated than I had assumed as well.
Spanish classes have been sort of let down in that I couldn't find a cheap regular one that worked for me... so I think I will take two community education Spanish classes and work on Rosetta Stone (which I need to start asap).  I am thinking about taking the Spanish 2 course, and a Spanish 3 conversation course.  In both cases I don't think I am ready.
This learning Spanish idea, is in the hopes that I follow through with my plan to either travel to South America and be a tourist or go teach there. Its weird to be thinking 9 or so months ahead, especially when my thoughts and plans should be for this place... but I guess I just don't have much going for me here.
That is a gross over generalization of course. I have many friends who I am really glad to have in my life, but they aren't the intimate friendships I have had in the past.  They aren't as easy, they will take time to grow... and we are all so busy.  These are the friends I schedule 2 weeks out with instead of the ones I keep room in my weekly calendar for... if that makes sense. 
 Other goals:  Art classes don't seem to be as easy either... especially considering that I want to take Spanish two days a week.. so I am trying to do more on my own, and started a club on facebook hopefully to get people together every few weeks.  the art stuff I have done  recently isn't great, but Ive enjoyed it. 
Voice or instrument lessons, seem to be taking a back seat to getting everything else settled. I played around on our house piano and I was awful. Its like I have lost all ability I have ever had.  Its weird how much it seems creative expression is a thing of the muse. There were times when I could know where the next note should be without trying... there are times now where every note comes out wrong.
We might get a cat. That would be nice.
I might need to make more space and throw things away, maybe these art club days can exhaust my materials.  If I could just lose my attachment to all of my cds... oh wow would that create some space. emotional investment in stuff... ick.

Speaking of emotional investment, what do I do about the German girl?
its not that I think it will ever work, but I want to be in love. So I read into her words and try to find the paths to make beauty of them. I wait on her responses, and enjoy that she asks questions.... but for what?  Its nice to have a crush. It gets you through the day easier.   Knowing someone in the world is interesting, and perhaps interested.  But if it goes no where... why invest so much?
And she is working again, so her responses will be less frequent... and perhaps she is stressed now, so her effort to translate will be less indulgent. and I am not learning German, because that would be one of those leaps of ridiculousness. But if nothing else looks like a pleasing path, why can't I like a girl who has light up eyes?

Pilot

I've been listening to this band for years. I heard then randomly playing at the depot coffee shop while I was in high school.  They a very heavy sort of metal or something.  Anyway I have always enjoyed the lyrics which are very philosophical but whole listening today (and reading). I realized the thing I like about this style of music is that the monotone repeated notes of bass and guitar create not only a rhythm but a second level of percussion. Yes they vary it up a bit and some of the riffs are great. But the majority of the songs are:

One guitarist playing rhythm guitar and occasionally nice accents screeching noises.  He also sings, but it's not singing it's yelling. Not screaming, he is yelling, almost like an angry speech.  This another rhythm. Percussive accents on words.

Then a bass player playing repeated patterns. Sometimes plays the same note or two for a long period of time.

Then drums.

It's a band playing patterns. Overlapping. So that the spaces start to matter at times more than the notes.   Math in movement. Speech in music. The human heartbeat layered with breath, and surges of hormones.